Re: VENT...Whine....

[Guest guest]

Dear Lynn,

I empathize with the juncture you are at. It is very challenging to let go of

one's idea of what life " ought' to look like. I am happy that you have the

financial stability part figured out (I don't) and I think your little Yorkie is

a wonderful thing for you. Perhaps you have something creative inside that

needed this kind of quiet, stress-free life in order to emerge. If you are able

to venture out with your dog, that is a wonderful way to meet people, and

perhaps this little angel was sent to help you across this fallow place of not

feeling you have a purpose, into the fertile land of whatever your new purpose

is. I have found it hard to keep up a social life with CFS/FM myself, but my

dogs do help me meet people and they inspire all sorts of wonderful in me. They

have taught me patience, tenderness, compassion and acceptance, qualities that I

work daily to extend both outward to others and inward to myself within my

consciousness. They are a most precious gift without which I know I would not

be where I am today, and I feel very happy that you are now blessed with one of

your own.

I have found when the pressure is off me, my ADD brain is actually an asset

because when I can stop struggling with trying to operate in the denser levels

of the mundane (an exercise in futility that results in feeling overwhelmed, and

- forgive the un-PCness of the term - quite frankly retarded), and instead tap

into a higher frequency, I receive all sorts of creative ideas and actually find

I am quite literally filled with energy and my brain becomes a magical idea

factory bursting with insights and ideas and stories and beautiful

visualizations of art. For me it is a matter of releasing the heaviness of

" grim reality " and allowing my mind the freedom to fly to places where I can and

do receive energy. When my creativity is flowing, I feel very happy,

enthusiastic and full of life even if my physical body has no get-up-and-go.

Interestingly, when I can tap into this state of mind, I do have more physical

energy and less pain overall, so it seems the energy operates on many levels

once I can manage to plug into it.

Now I just have to find a place of financial stability so I can find the focus

to harness some of these ideas and insights and wrangle them down into concrete

form so I can share them and possibly even carve a new career and purpose

through them. I vacillate between utter overwhelm and frustration that I can't

seem to get it all under control and can't seem to keep the details of my

mundane physical reality on track, no less harness my creative luminosity, and

just feeling the happy wonderment of knowing that there is so much more out

there if I can just relax up into it.

I am beginning to think that the " fibro-fog " and ADD many of us experience as

part of CFS/FM are simply the Divine Mind inside of us banging around inside an

old, familiar cage that is too small to contain it, and so it is unable to

handle the (lowercase 'm') mental details of denser reality. In a sense, the

ADD & brain fog seem to be evidence of our human evolution on a more spiritual

level if we can just allow that to be okay and not try to keep jamming the Genie

back in the bottle. I keep hitting that wall myself and find it increasingly

difficult to force myself to capitulate with and therefore reinforce the old,

familiar and widely accepted versions of " reality " and outmoded definitions of

what a productive and satisfying life and acceptable value system and philosophy

should look like. It has not made me popular, but the harder I try and the more

I fail to construct a " normal " life that looks like what might be expected of an

average middle-class, educated woman of a certain age, and the more I try and

fail to gain a foothold among the ranks of those who are considered my peers,

the less such a pursuit seems valid or relevant to where I see that we as a

species are headed. I do think our enhanced sensitivity, " wayward " brains,

tendency to chemical and environmental sensitivities, and delicately balanced

physical constitutions on whole as a sub-group speak to a planetary speed up and

soul-level evolution and a call to action on part of humanity, and that we in

some ways serve as the canaries in the coal mine of the larger collective, much

as our animal companions and their increasingly dire responses to

over-vaccination, chemical flea control, pharmaceuticals and poor food bespeak

of how we as a species are harming ourselves and the planet on many levels, with

the purpose of pointing us back in the direction of reconnecting with nature and

the earth below and heavens above, and to re-link our hearts into the equation.

It isn't a punishment so much as a gift of service to the whole, if we can find

ways to work with instead of rail against the reality of our personal experience

of this particular chronic illness.

I see that even on a very personal level, how I hold my experience of CFS and

what I model for those around me has the potential to be healing and uplifting.

My learning curve as far as Self-care and Self-forgiveness and Self-compassion

and being realistic about my limits helps me model authentic ways of honoring my

limitations and demonstrate loving yet firm ways of upholding personal

boundaries that give those around me permission to tune into their own deeper

needs and accept and allow themselves to do the same. If others are triggered

by my personal reality and don't like it or agree with it, that is their upset

to work with, not mine, and I know that if I hold in a vibration of inner Truth

and honor my own boundaries and needs, it works as a tuning fork to guide others

to their own healing, whether or not they may consciously realize or appreciate

that. If I lose friends because I am true to the needs of my mind/body, and if

I alienate family or employers by not being willing any longer to whip myself to

go faster and do more than my body and brain can handle, then so be it, because

I know that by being true to my Soul I am helping map a path for them to do the

same in whatever ways are right for them, even if it entails lots of solitary

and sometimes lonely bush-whacking on my part. On the upside, my dogs are

fantastic side-kicks and always happy to push forward into uncharted wilderness,

so I am never really lonely at all, as you will doubtless find now that you have

your own Tonto to ride with.

I hope you will not lose faith and that your dog will help you find your way to

a new purpose that is in alignment with your heart's desire. I think that will

help with accepting the physical limitations we all know so well. As for me, I

seem to be on the opposite end of the spectrum, having already touched into a

vision of what my real purpose and joy is, while not yet having figured out how

to handle the nuts and bolts of generating enough money to cover my rent and

bills now that my state disability payments have run out and I am fighting to

receive LTD insurance and SSDI. Since I have not even enough $$ to cover food or

rent at this point, I fear that in spite of my health condition, my only

recourse (aside from the grim prospect of going home to live off Mom and Dad as

a grown woman and hope I can bring my dogs) is to try to go back to my job and

hope for the best so at least I will have some income and health insurance

coverage since there is no guarantee of winning LTD or SSDI, and even if I do,

my COBRA payment will be close to $1,000 a month - almost exactly the total

amount of what I would receive if I get SSDI, which still leaves a massive

financial dilemma. I just hope I can go back to my job (which now entails moving

back to another state) before they terminate me, since I have been out for just

over a year already. Quite a scary set of circumstances and I am just having to

trust that doG has my back.

If it is any help, I will share that I find it easier to accept my current

situation and the vast uncertainty involved in it by regularly inviting my

Higher Self to show me clues as to where I should be training my sights and

directing my efforts, and trusting that what looks like dog DOO is really goD

DO, and I can relax in the knowledge that all really IS well in spite of it

appearing to be a scary-hot mess at the moment.

Don't despair, Lynn. You will find the purpose and joy in your life as long as

you are actively looking for it and expect to see it. When you do, I hope you

will share it with us, as I'm sure it will be inspiring and uplifting to share

in as much as it is to share our trials and tribulations with one another.

ly, I think we are in a rather exclusive and special club, it is just hard

to realize because the hazing process feels so challenging!

Blessings to you and your dog,

Horzepa

Baby Eleanor (terrier mystery mix, rescued 01/28/95 - crossed the

bridge10/31/10)

CH. Hemlock Lane No Place Like Home " Isadora " - (ES 12/31/04)

CH. Lampliter N Honeygait American Idol " Simon " - (ES 12/20/04)

(co-owned with Dave & Judy Mates)

www.BedtimeKennels.com