Guest guest Posted January 24, 2006 Report Share Posted January 24, 2006 Thank you , This brought tears to my eyes. MAria strikes again. You are like an angel -- And I feel the same way about you. I love you always, roslyn - In Loving-what-is , " " <skogsnuvan@y...> wrote: > > > > > > > > > > > In a message dated 1/22/2006 7:59:25 AM Central Standard Time, > > > Loving-what-is writes: > > > > > > To jmknapp74 > > > > > > > > > /jmknapp74, > > > > > > I can really related to your anxious feeling about your > girlfriend > > seeming > > > more distant and talking about other guys since she has moved > away. > > It's > > > great to work on whatever thoughts come up around this, as you > are > > doing. I > > > think what it really comes down to, though, for most of us is > just > > this belief > > > that we NEED love, approval and appreciation. The more we believe > > that and the > > > MORE WE SEEK LAA, the harder it is to find it. We become needy > and > > that pushes > > > people away. We become manipulative in subtle ways and that > pushes > > people > > > away. The only real solution is to unlearn this NEED for LAA. > In my > > > experience it helps to just sit with loneliness and anxious > thoughts > > about being > > > rejected, etc., and wait and notice how or if the feelings begin > to > > shift. That > > > emptiness that we try so hard to avoid is actually Love, our > true > > nature. > > > That aloneness is a doorway into realizing that you already have > > all the love > > > and support you need within you. Once you realize that, you are > > free. I'm not > > > saying I'm there yet, not by a long shot. But I am getting > closer > > and just > > > being aware of where the anxiety and insecurity and that sense > of > > emptiness > > > comes from can be a big relief and give you hope. Below is some > pretty > > > extensive work I did on this issue. You might read it through > and > > see if you can find > > > yourself in it. My hope is you might find it helpful. > > > > > > With love, > > > Dwight > > > > > > I need people to accept me. > > > > > > 1. Yes. > > > > > > 2. No. The neediness makes me really anxious. > > > > > > 3. I feel anxious. I fear rejection. I feel lonely. I feel like > I > > > don't have enough people in my life who accept me. I feel > ashamed > > > when I do something that leads to my being rejected. . I feel > the > > > need to impress others to win their acceptance. I see some > people as > > > better than others, more worthy of acceptance. I feel > misunderstood. > > > > > > How does it feel physically? > > > A constant restlessness. Like there's something missing, an > > > emptiness that I need to fill. > > > My stomach aches. I feel hungry. My heart races. My hands shake. > > > My voice quavers. > > > > > > How do I treat others when I believe that thought? > > > I treat them as having this power over how I feel. I try to win > > > their acceptance by being funny, and when I try too hard it > doesn't > > > work. I try to win their acceptance by complimenting them a > lot, and > > > sometimes it's not totally sincere. I avoid people who I think > don't > > > accept me, or who wouldn't if I opened up to them. (I don't > open up > > > to my stepfather because when I do he doesn't accept it/me) I > don't > > > talk to them. I don't risk rejection. I tell them I love them. I > > > accuse them of being unsympathetic. I say, " that's great " > > > and " you're right " a lot. > > > > > > What do I do? > > > On the bulletin board I keep posting and hoping people will > respond > > > to me in an accepting way. I feel addicted to getting > acceptance, so > > > I keep checking back. I allow people to use me sometimes. I say > > > yes, when I don't really want to do certain things for them. I > give > > > my friend rides and money. I apologize a lot. I feel > nervous > > > and empty inside so I turn to cigarettes. I listen to > meditation CDs > > > everyday to try to calm myself down. I do whatever I think might > > > soothe me. I avoid other tasks because they're too removed from > my > > > immediate psychological needs. I avoid the tasks that might > make it > > > easier for me to accept myself---exercise, finishing my school > work, > > > applying for jobs. > > > > > > How do you treat yourself when you believe that thought? > > > I see myself as needy. I don't allow myself enough sleep > because I > > > feel there is so much work I need to do in order to gain > people's > > > acceptance. I beat myself up whenever I say or write something > that > > > people react negatively to. I tell myself, " how could you be so > > > stupid? " " I made a complete fool of myself. " " They all think > I'm a > > > moron now. " > > > > > > How have you lived your life because you believed that thought? > > > I quit the religion program I was in at Chicago mainly because > I felt > > > like no one liked me there. I have avoided taking social risks. > I > > > have often felt incredibly nervous and inhibited around people. I > > > have often censored myself. I have tried to tell people what I > think > > > it is they want to hear. I stopped taking Nardil even though it > made > > > me feel better, because it made me gain weight and I felt like > I was > > > losing people's acceptance for being fat. I have felt intense > shame > > > about things I've said and done, wondering about people's > reactions. > > > When I was in the Writing program I was too scared of people's > > > reactions to be able to write what was true for me or to risk > making > > > mistakes. I have been extremely perfectionistic, especially > about > > > my writing. I take pills to lose weight even when they seem to > make > > > me nervous. I take pills to alleviate the social anxiety I > feel, so > > > that I can make a better impression on people. I have been > unable > > > to make friends because I'm too frightened to be myself or to be > > > spontaneous. > > > > > > > > > Where does your mind travel when you attach to that thought? > > > It travels to the past and I replay times when I feel like I've > said > > > or done things that led to humiliation or rejection, and I feel > > > incredibly ashamed of myself. I think about the letter I wrote > > > Kathleen, and cringe when I remember the words I wrote.. I think > > > about how I angrily judged this couple at the Cleanse, and feel > > > intense shame. I think about how I've forgotten people's names. > My > > > mind travels to the future and I either imagine myself acting > really > > > nervous around people or else acting confident. And if I have > the > > > expectation that I'm going to feel confident and then I'm not, > I feel > > > terrible. Like at the Cleanse no-talent show-I felt terrible > about > > > myself for being nervous; I was so ashamed that afterward it > seemed > > > like everyone was rejecting me because that was all I could > believe > > > in. I think about the introduction letter I wrote to the Yahoo > group > > > and feel disgusted with myself for writing such a stupid letter > and > > > for trying to get people's attention. > > > > > > > > > Whose business are you in when you think that thought? > > > Other people's business. Not my own. Some people are going to > > > accept me and some people aren't; that's their business and > their > > > right. If I try to manipulate them into liking me, it just makes > > > things worse, and I move further and further away from my self. > I > > > become more dishonest. I do what I think will impress others. I > > > constantly worry what they think of me. > > > > > > What are you assuming when you think this thought? > > > I'm assuming that I don't have enough acceptance from people in > my > > > life right now. That if I could just get more acceptance I'd be > > > happier. If I just had more friends, I'd be happier. That > > > loneliness is killing me. > > > > > > When you hold that belief what do you get out of it? > > > I get to think of myself as more sensitive than others. And that > > > means I'm more of an artist, feel things more strongly, etc... > > > > > > A reason to drop the thought? Yes, to free myself from this > awful > > > fear and anxiety. So I could be free to act however I wanted to > > > around people, to be spontaneous. So I wouldn't care so much > about > > > what my voice sounded like. > > > > > > A stress-free reason to keep this thought? I worry that if I > don't > > > keep it, I'll become rude and careless. Is that really a stress- > > > free reason? No because I'm worrying about it. Also, so far the > > > thought has not prevented me from being rude and careless on > > > occasion. It has made me more rude and careless, because I have > > > resorted to ridiculous measures of manipulation and I have > gotten > > > enraged when I thought people were not accepting me. > > > > > > Who would you be without the thought? > > > I'd be a lot less anxious around people and when I'm alone. I > might > > > not need to take anti-anxiety medication anymore. I wouldn't > feel > > > ashamed or angry when people didn't accept me. I'd be more > > > spontaneous. I might allow myself more sleep. I might quit > > > smoking. I wouldn't post to the yahoo board out of a need for > > > acceptance. I would stop trying to manipulate people's > reactions to > > > me. I would stop trying to control how others perceived me. I > > > would be more genuine with people. I wouldn't feel so lonely. It > > > would be easier for me to make friends because I'd be less > > > manipulative and less nervous. I would be in my own business. I > > > wouldn't feel the need to know what other people are thinking > about > > > me, so I would do less mind-reading. I would be in better place > to > > > concentrate on the other person and to listen to them because > I'd be > > > less concerned with how I was coming across, less self- > conscious. > > > I'd be more focused on liking other people and less focused on > them > > > liking me. > > > > > > TA: I don't need people to accept me. > > > 1. because that belief only makes me miserable. > > > 2. if I can learn to be okay with my own thoughts, then being > alone > > > won't bother me. > > > 3. when I accept myself. > > > 4. because I'm never really alone anyway; we're all connected. > > > > > > TA: I need to accept other people. > > > 1. because that works much better than trying to impress them. > > > 2. because I feel better about myself when I do. > > > 3. because I can help them better when I accept them first. > > > 4. because it hurts not to accept other people. > > > > > > TA: I need to accept myself. > > > 1. to free myself from all this neediness and loneliness. > > > 2. because only then will I no longer need other people's > acceptance > > > 3. because then I'll be able to see it when people do accept me > > > 4. because that will make it easier for me to accept other > people. > > > How? If I can accept my own faults, it will be easier for me to > > > accept faults in others. > > > > > > TA: I need people to reject me. > > > 1. to give me more opportunities to realize I don't need > people's > > > acceptance. > > > 2. because that's reality.. People have rejected me and always > > > will. > > > 3. because some people will always reject me no matter what I > do. > > > 4. because if they reject me for some reason, it might show me > things > > > about myself I might want to change. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2006 Report Share Posted January 25, 2006 > > > > > > > > > > > > In a message dated 1/22/2006 7:59:25 AM Central Standard Time, > > > > Loving-what-is writes: > > > > > > > > To jmknapp74 > > > > > > > > > > > > /jmknapp74, > > > > > > > > I can really related to your anxious feeling about your > > girlfriend > > > seeming > > > > more distant and talking about other guys since she has moved > > away. > > > It's > > > > great to work on whatever thoughts come up around this, as you > > are > > > doing. I > > > > think what it really comes down to, though, for most of us is > > just > > > this belief > > > > that we NEED love, approval and appreciation. The more we believe > > > that and the > > > > MORE WE SEEK LAA, the harder it is to find it. We become needy > > and > > > that pushes > > > > people away. We become manipulative in subtle ways and that > > pushes > > > people > > > > away. The only real solution is to unlearn this NEED for LAA. > > In my > > > > experience it helps to just sit with loneliness and anxious > > thoughts > > > about being > > > > rejected, etc., and wait and notice how or if the feelings begin > > to > > > shift. That > > > > emptiness that we try so hard to avoid is actually Love, our > > true > > > nature. > > > > That aloneness is a doorway into realizing that you already have > > > all the love > > > > and support you need within you. Once you realize that, you are > > > free. I'm not > > > > saying I'm there yet, not by a long shot. But I am getting > > closer > > > and just > > > > being aware of where the anxiety and insecurity and that sense > > of > > > emptiness > > > > comes from can be a big relief and give you hope. Below is some > > pretty > > > > extensive work I did on this issue. You might read it through > > and > > > see if you can find > > > > yourself in it. My hope is you might find it helpful. > > > > > > > > With love, > > > > Dwight > > > > > > > > I need people to accept me. > > > > > > > > 1. Yes. > > > > > > > > 2. No. The neediness makes me really anxious. > > > > > > > > 3. I feel anxious. I fear rejection. I feel lonely. I feel like > > I > > > > don't have enough people in my life who accept me. I feel > > ashamed > > > > when I do something that leads to my being rejected. . I feel > > the > > > > need to impress others to win their acceptance. I see some > > people as > > > > better than others, more worthy of acceptance. I feel > > misunderstood. > > > > > > > > How does it feel physically? > > > > A constant restlessness. Like there's something missing, an > > > > emptiness that I need to fill. > > > > My stomach aches. I feel hungry. My heart races. My hands shake. > > > > My voice quavers. > > > > > > > > How do I treat others when I believe that thought? > > > > I treat them as having this power over how I feel. I try to win > > > > their acceptance by being funny, and when I try too hard it > > doesn't > > > > work. I try to win their acceptance by complimenting them a > > lot, and > > > > sometimes it's not totally sincere. I avoid people who I think > > don't > > > > accept me, or who wouldn't if I opened up to them. (I don't > > open up > > > > to my stepfather because when I do he doesn't accept it/me) I > > don't > > > > talk to them. I don't risk rejection. I tell them I love them. I > > > > accuse them of being unsympathetic. I say, " that's great " > > > > and " you're right " a lot. > > > > > > > > What do I do? > > > > On the bulletin board I keep posting and hoping people will > > respond > > > > to me in an accepting way. I feel addicted to getting > > acceptance, so > > > > I keep checking back. I allow people to use me sometimes. I say > > > > yes, when I don't really want to do certain things for them. I > > give > > > > my friend rides and money. I apologize a lot. I feel > > nervous > > > > and empty inside so I turn to cigarettes. I listen to > > meditation CDs > > > > everyday to try to calm myself down. I do whatever I think might > > > > soothe me. I avoid other tasks because they're too removed from > > my > > > > immediate psychological needs. I avoid the tasks that might > > make it > > > > easier for me to accept myself---exercise, finishing my school > > work, > > > > applying for jobs. > > > > > > > > How do you treat yourself when you believe that thought? > > > > I see myself as needy. I don't allow myself enough sleep > > because I > > > > feel there is so much work I need to do in order to gain > > people's > > > > acceptance. I beat myself up whenever I say or write something > > that > > > > people react negatively to. I tell myself, " how could you be so > > > > stupid? " " I made a complete fool of myself. " " They all think > > I'm a > > > > moron now. " > > > > > > > > How have you lived your life because you believed that thought? > > > > I quit the religion program I was in at Chicago mainly because > > I felt > > > > like no one liked me there. I have avoided taking social risks. > > I > > > > have often felt incredibly nervous and inhibited around people. I > > > > have often censored myself. I have tried to tell people what I > > think > > > > it is they want to hear. I stopped taking Nardil even though it > > made > > > > me feel better, because it made me gain weight and I felt like > > I was > > > > losing people's acceptance for being fat. I have felt intense > > shame > > > > about things I've said and done, wondering about people's > > reactions. > > > > When I was in the Writing program I was too scared of people's > > > > reactions to be able to write what was true for me or to risk > > making > > > > mistakes. I have been extremely perfectionistic, especially > > about > > > > my writing. I take pills to lose weight even when they seem to > > make > > > > me nervous. I take pills to alleviate the social anxiety I > > feel, so > > > > that I can make a better impression on people. I have been > > unable > > > > to make friends because I'm too frightened to be myself or to be > > > > spontaneous. > > > > > > > > > > > > Where does your mind travel when you attach to that thought? > > > > It travels to the past and I replay times when I feel like I've > > said > > > > or done things that led to humiliation or rejection, and I feel > > > > incredibly ashamed of myself. I think about the letter I wrote > > > > Kathleen, and cringe when I remember the words I wrote.. I think > > > > about how I angrily judged this couple at the Cleanse, and feel > > > > intense shame. I think about how I've forgotten people's names. > > My > > > > mind travels to the future and I either imagine myself acting > > really > > > > nervous around people or else acting confident. And if I have > > the > > > > expectation that I'm going to feel confident and then I'm not, > > I feel > > > > terrible. Like at the Cleanse no-talent show-I felt terrible > > about > > > > myself for being nervous; I was so ashamed that afterward it > > seemed > > > > like everyone was rejecting me because that was all I could > > believe > > > > in. I think about the introduction letter I wrote to the Yahoo > > group > > > > and feel disgusted with myself for writing such a stupid letter > > and > > > > for trying to get people's attention. > > > > > > > > > > > > Whose business are you in when you think that thought? > > > > Other people's business. Not my own. Some people are going to > > > > accept me and some people aren't; that's their business and > > their > > > > right. If I try to manipulate them into liking me, it just makes > > > > things worse, and I move further and further away from my self. > > I > > > > become more dishonest. I do what I think will impress others. I > > > > constantly worry what they think of me. > > > > > > > > What are you assuming when you think this thought? > > > > I'm assuming that I don't have enough acceptance from people in > > my > > > > life right now. That if I could just get more acceptance I'd be > > > > happier. If I just had more friends, I'd be happier. That > > > > loneliness is killing me. > > > > > > > > When you hold that belief what do you get out of it? > > > > I get to think of myself as more sensitive than others. And that > > > > means I'm more of an artist, feel things more strongly, etc... > > > > > > > > A reason to drop the thought? Yes, to free myself from this > > awful > > > > fear and anxiety. So I could be free to act however I wanted to > > > > around people, to be spontaneous. So I wouldn't care so much > > about > > > > what my voice sounded like. > > > > > > > > A stress-free reason to keep this thought? I worry that if I > > don't > > > > keep it, I'll become rude and careless. Is that really a stress- > > > > free reason? No because I'm worrying about it. Also, so far the > > > > thought has not prevented me from being rude and careless on > > > > occasion. It has made me more rude and careless, because I have > > > > resorted to ridiculous measures of manipulation and I have > > gotten > > > > enraged when I thought people were not accepting me. > > > > > > > > Who would you be without the thought? > > > > I'd be a lot less anxious around people and when I'm alone. I > > might > > > > not need to take anti-anxiety medication anymore. I wouldn't > > feel > > > > ashamed or angry when people didn't accept me. I'd be more > > > > spontaneous. I might allow myself more sleep. I might quit > > > > smoking. I wouldn't post to the yahoo board out of a need for > > > > acceptance. I would stop trying to manipulate people's > > reactions to > > > > me. I would stop trying to control how others perceived me. I > > > > would be more genuine with people. I wouldn't feel so lonely. It > > > > would be easier for me to make friends because I'd be less > > > > manipulative and less nervous. I would be in my own business. I > > > > wouldn't feel the need to know what other people are thinking > > about > > > > me, so I would do less mind-reading. I would be in better place > > to > > > > concentrate on the other person and to listen to them because > > I'd be > > > > less concerned with how I was coming across, less self- > > conscious. > > > > I'd be more focused on liking other people and less focused on > > them > > > > liking me. > > > > > > > > TA: I don't need people to accept me. > > > > 1. because that belief only makes me miserable. > > > > 2. if I can learn to be okay with my own thoughts, then being > > alone > > > > won't bother me. > > > > 3. when I accept myself. > > > > 4. because I'm never really alone anyway; we're all connected. > > > > > > > > TA: I need to accept other people. > > > > 1. because that works much better than trying to impress them. > > > > 2. because I feel better about myself when I do. > > > > 3. because I can help them better when I accept them first. > > > > 4. because it hurts not to accept other people. > > > > > > > > TA: I need to accept myself. > > > > 1. to free myself from all this neediness and loneliness. > > > > 2. because only then will I no longer need other people's > > acceptance > > > > 3. because then I'll be able to see it when people do accept me > > > > 4. because that will make it easier for me to accept other > > people. > > > > How? If I can accept my own faults, it will be easier for me to > > > > accept faults in others. > > > > > > > > TA: I need people to reject me. > > > > 1. to give me more opportunities to realize I don't need > > people's > > > > acceptance. > > > > 2. because that's reality.. People have rejected me and always > > > > will. > > > > 3. because some people will always reject me no matter what I > > do. > > > > 4. because if they reject me for some reason, it might show me > > things > > > > about myself I might want to change. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.