Hating what is

[Guest guest]

For about a quarter of my life, I struggled with depression. I took

anti-depressants, modified my diet, took supplements and drugs

trying to improve my situation and spent a good deal of time (though

not all) miserable. And until a couple of years ago, I had no idea

why.

The truth is, though, that I did have an idea...I just didn't want

to talk about it or admit it to myself.

I first noticed the depression when I was about 12 -- when I had

thoughts about, but didn't want to talk about my childhood

introduction to sexuality. It continued into high school when I

didn't want to talk about how I felt lonely and was scared of men

both sexually and intimately. I didn't want to talk about the fact

that I was in a lesbian relationship with my best friend. I didn't

want to talk about how terrified I was of displeasing people in my

life. I didn't want to talk about how unhappy I was. Repeat cycle

for years...

In fact, I didn't really talk about anything that might make someone

dislike me. And all of those topics above were certainly off limits.

Eventually my body crashed and at the age of 25 I found myself

unable to continue my job as a teacher, unable to maintain my

relationships, and in amazing physical pain.

When people suggested that my condition could be related to

something psychological, I was personally offended and tried to

defend myself by thinking (even though I didn't usually say it), NO

IT'S NOT! And because I couldn't at that time admit that there was a

thinking component to my situation, I basically just sat around

waiting for the doctors to fix me.

It wasn't until a year of doing a whole lot of physical and mental

suffering -- that I noticed the willingness to look at the painful

thoughts that I'd been depressing all those years.

Of all the modalities of psychological care I'd attempted over the

years -- like the meds and the counseling and the journalling and

The Courage To Heal book type of stuff -- The Work worked for me.

Some of you who have been on this group for a couple of years may

remember the frequency with which I used to post my inquiry --

numerous times a day and about anything and everything stressful I

could think about -- even wilty veggies in the fridge. I recognized

that inquiry was my way out of the pain and I dove in. I finally

started to understand my thoughts, finding the willingness to

investigate stories I didn't want to touch...and I started seeing

less problems around me and with me.

Were there times that I wasn't inquiring and was just suffering on

the couch, my bed or wherever I happened to have enough energy to

land? Oh yeah. So I'd flop down and cry, whine or feel helpless and

desperate. And later if I noticed I was available for inquiry, I'd

go for it.

And now that depression isn't a major story for me, I still go about

my life in the same way -- I'm either believing what I think or I'm

inquiring -- and both are okay.

, Whitman, and others who think you're struggling with

depression, thank you for being here. I love that you have even an

iota of interest in these four questions that helped me so much. I

can relate to what you experience.

Love,

Mona

[Guest guest]

Helena,

I just wanted to thank you so much for sharing this again - first time I'v eread

it and I love this work sheet. I have ezperienced what would commonly be called

depression on and off for most of my life and at 40 urs old what I call it now

is my argument with reality....someitmes I even laugh at my arguement with

reality (laughter during 'depression'....) this is the power of the

work...thanks again.

loving you,

catherine

Helena wrote:

Dear fellow depresssives!

I have suffered from chronic deep depression since I was a teenager too.

When I started doing the Work I had a remarkable experience one day. from

using it directly on my depression.

I awoke depressed - as usual. I decided to do inquiry on it. What I found

was, that as I sat and examined my depression, it altered and changed. It

was as if, out of focus, it was a " depression " but when I focused in it

revealed itself to be a myriad of detailed feelings.... Here is the

worksheet...(I may have posted this before but anyway - maybe it will be of

interest.)

Worksheet

1. Who angers or saddens or disappoints you? What is it about them that you

didn’t or don’t still like?

Me. Because I am still depressed, scared , unhappy, sleeping badly and not

getting to grips with my life and the future and my problems. I shouldn’t be

like this – there is nothing to be depressed about.

2. How do you want them to change?

I want me to pull myself together and clean up the house and get really

committed to a program of creative action and stop wasting my life being

depressed which is just getting in the way of me actually doing anything and

is a self-fulfilling state – as I get depressed because my life is a mess

and feels badly chaotic and when I’m depressed I perpetuate this by doing

nothing to change that.

3. What is it that they should or shouldn’t do or be or think or feel?

I shouldn’t worry all the time that I’m not getting it right or being

perfect about how I live. I should just try to do what I can with each day

one day at a time. I should stop worrying about the future and my fantasies

about how it should be prepared for or what it will be like and stop feeling

that in every day I fail to prepare for it and am insufficient in comparison

to what I should be doing every day.

I shouldn’t constantly judge everything I do as not being enough to have

done. I should let go of a fantasy that there is a perfect way to live.

4. Do you need anything from them? What do they need to give you or do for

you to be happy?

I need me to let go of all of this depression. I need me to realise that

there is nothing to be depressed about. I need me to just get up and get on

with things, life

5. What do you think of them? Make a list?

I think I am weak, sad, resistant and stupid, that I am wasting my life

holding back from it because it’s not happening in the way that I want it to

and I don’t feel in control of it. I think that I am just putting off facing

things and sulking like a child about not getting my own way. But I also

think I am scared and don’t realise there is nothing to be scared of –

everything is fine and I should just get on and do what I can and let go of

my belief that it’s not enough and that I am a screw up and that only

disaster lies ahead.

6. What is it that you don’t ever want to experience with that person,

situation or thing again?

I don’t ever want to lie awake at night being too anxious to sleep. I don’t

ever want to wake up in the morning and feel my body filling with hard,

anxious, angry thought forms. I don’t ever want to experience dragging

myself through a day in a depressed slump where I can’t be bothered to do

anything.

I AM DEPRESSED

Is it true?

I don’t know, now I feel angry, sullen..….now I am just aware of feeling

tired.

Can you absolutely know that it is true?

No, this is interesting – as I sit and try to feel how I feel, it changes –

especially as I stop telling myself the story about how I feel – that I am

depressed and so on! I’m just left feeling physical symptoms of tiredness –

a slight headache, slight heaviness in my limbs.

Now, realising this I feel a little burst of emotional release in my heart

and a slight sense of relief, I glimpse the truth that I constantly create

how I feel by telling myself the story of how I feel – kind of

unconsciously - I tell myself what is happening, (That I am depressed) and

how it feels –I tell myself how to feel and get used to it and settle into a

habitual mind frame/feeling frame and I guess that my body gets used to this

too – the automatic configuration of how to be me.

How do you react when you think the thought - I am depressed?

It opens the door to the whole deep story – I am a failure, I am stuck, I am

wasting my life, I am wasting time, resources, opportunities, other people’s

hopes and expectations of me. I get angry with myself. I beat myself up.

That makes me feel worse, more like a failure, I feel I am failing myself

and everyone else. I become more and more conscious of how I should be and

what I actually am and the difference is huge. I feel overwhelmed by my own

expectations of myself – of what I feel I should be….

Later…

When i feel scared I feel alone, isolated, powerless, frozen, disconnected.

The future looks overwhelmingly scary. i feel I can't cope with it. What is

also coming up is that I am angry I make so much work for myself, I am angry

I take on so much, I start to see also that I suspect I might be getting

depressed to give myself a break as only then do I stop working and doing

things only it doesn’t work because I stay I up late trying to sort out my

head and I feel very guilty about the things I’m not doing but maybe this is

better than being “not depressed” as if I stopped being depressed I’d have

to go back to working hard again and not taking a break and resting at all.

And I resent this – I resent having given my summer holiday away to teaching

summer courses as if I hadn’t I’d have had 7 weeks off and could have taken

some time out to play and paint and just be and to clear up the workshops

and then to start gently preparing for the next term and now there just isn’

t enough time to do this and it’s awful because I won’t get a proper break

(poor me) and I won’t be sorted for next term and so it won’t work – I’ll

get frantic trying to teach unprepared classes and I’ll get ill because I’ll

over strain myself and I’ll blow everything by being too ill to teach and I

will be too tense to enjoy it and people won’t want me back so I’ll fail to

make a living this way and there is no other way so I’ll be finished! (poor

starving unemployable me)

Who would you be without this thought? This story above?

I would just be a woman sitting at a computer surrounded by a house with

things in it lying jumbled everywhere.

Golly, I suddenly experience myself sitting here, being here without this

story!!! I am not my story! This story doesn't have to be who I am!

Turn it around

I am not depressed.

Wow!

It would be fun to sort out a few of these things and straighten things up a

bit!

My thinking is depressed!

I depress myself – so true – I make myself depressed by my thinking it!

NOTE - of course this workout didn't magically delete my depression for all

time but it helped me to see something fundamental - that depression is a

powerful mental/emotional/physical circuit and that i can cut it. It

weakened my tendency to believe in my depression and so weakened its power a

bit. The reality is I find I keep having to do it - like cleaning house, but

the more i do it the easier it gets - unlike cleaning house!

love

helena

[Guest guest]

Hi Helena

I just signed up to this group and found you here too!

Thank you so much for posting your work sheet on depression. I found

much of that within me too.

I look forward to being a member of this group and sharing my work

with others

love

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Welcome to the group!

And thank you. .... !

-- Re: Hating what is

Hi Helena

I just signed up to this group and found you here too!

Thank you so much for posting your work sheet on depression. I found

much of that within me too.

I look forward to being a member of this group and sharing my work

with others

love