There is something wrong with me

[Guest guest]

Is it true there is something wrong with me? Yes, I think so.

What is the reality of it? I've been told the reality is that I'm

perfect just the way I am right now, that I serve God's purpose just

the way I am, and that I shouldn't want to be anything different than

what I am right now. But, I don't really feel like that right now.

I'm having a hard time feeling/owning those concepts right now.

Did it happen? I thought so, yes, on many occasions I thought that

something was wrong with me. I can remember times when I was sick,

or having a misunderstanding and not saying or doing

the " appropriate " thing. Yes, I have thoughts that there have been

times when something was wrong with me. In fact, I vividly remember

my mother yelling at me, " What is wrong with you! " when she was

unhappy with what I did or said. Or when I'm not getting everything

on my list of `things to do' done, I ask myself what is wrong with

me? When I feel tired and I don't want to go to the gym, or I make

bad food choices, I ask myself what is wrong with me? When I forget

the documentation I need for the meeting (even though I made a note

to remind myself), I ask myself what is wrong with me? What is wrong

with me? Why can't I just do what I'm supposed to do?

Can you absolutely know that it's true there is something wrong with

me? No, I guess I can't absolutely know that there is something

wrong with me.

Can you know more than God/reality? No. Can you really know what is

best in the long run for your path or another person's path? Yeah, I

can kind or see this…maybe that's why I forgot the documentation, or

splurged on the cookies and didn't go to the gym. Maybe God just

wanted to have the experience of sitting at home on the couch eating

cookies. Can you absolutely know you would be happier if you got

what you wanted? If I got what I wanted I would be going to the gym,

eating right, coming to meetings prepared and getting everything done…

Sounds good to me. Yes, I'd be happier if I got what I wanted.

What do you think you would have if reality fully cooperated with

you? I wouldn't have discussions with myself about going to the gym

(I can go on another day to make up for it…), and I would always make

good food choices (stay away from animal products and caffeine,

etc). There would be no more mental arguments about working through

my list of things to do…no justifications, no rationalizations, no

bargaining…

When you think it's true there is something wrong with me: And this

means that…Other people don't have these problems. It means that I'm

not perfect, nor will I ever be perfect. It means that I deserve it

when bad things happen to me, or when things didn't turn out the way

I wanted them to. It's all my fault because something is wrong with

me. It means that I don't deserve the best. It means that I'm not

open and accepting of what is. It means that I'm not open to other

(maybe even better) options. It means that I'm defective in some

way. It means that I have flaws. It means that this is an all or

nothing win/lose proposition and that if I'm not perfect, I lose. It

means that you have to be perfect to " win " (lots of material to work

with here!).

What's the worst that could happen? I don't know…you mean it could

get worse!?

What is the " should? " I should be perfect. I should always win. I

should be on my best behavior and always know what other people

mean. It means that I should have planned ahead and anticipated how

all this would have turned out. I should be more thoughtful, I

should be kind, I should be omnipotent – and if I'm not, there is

something wrong with me. I should be able to " save " everyone, save

the day, turn things around, etc., and if I can't, there's something

wrong with me. I should be held responsible for any and all

outcomes. I should get an interview for every job I apply for.

Every interview I get should lead to a job offer or else something is

wrong with me. No one I talk to should ever be upset by anything I

say or else something is wrong with me for upsetting them.

Where's the proof there is something wrong with me? The proof is

that I'm not perfect, I don't always win, I don't know what other

people mean, I can't anticipate what will happen, I'm not omnipotent,

I can't " save " you, I haven't gotten a job, I upset people when I

talk to them, I haven't been asked out on a date, and I'm not in a

relationship.

How do you react when you think the thought there is something wrong

with me? I feel a low level of anxiety because I'm not sure what

to " fix. " I'm having trouble figuring out what exactly is " wrong

with me, " and so I'm having a hard time trying to figure out a plan

to straighten me out! I'm confused. I'm depressed and have low self

esteem. I'm definitely not very accepting of who I am.

Where does the feeling hit you, where do you feel it in your body

when you believe that thought? I feel tense in my stomach. I feel

anxious and my heart starts beating fast. I lose my focus and I

can't concentrate.

What pictures, if any, come to you when you think that thought? I

can see my mom yelling at me…I feel like God himself will yell down

from the heavens at me, " It's all your fault, Marsha! There is

something wrong with you! " The sky will fill with large clouds and

get really dark and there will be big flashes of lightning and

thunder and the earth will open up and swallow me whole!

How do you treat others when you believe and feel the thought there

is something wrong with me? What do you say to them? What do you

do? I don't " know " anything, I lack confidence and certainty so I'm

wishy-washy and non committal. I'm not in my integrity – if fact I

don't know where my integrity is! Having said that, I can see how

this thought really keeps me out of my integrity…either I think

something is wrong with me, or I'm not having this thought and I have

more time and space to fine and be in my integrity. I keep distance

between myself and others. I don't let them get close because I

don't want them to see how messed up I am, I don't want them to see

what's wrong with me. I don't want it to rub off on them (like it's

contagious?). I don't want them to reject me when they see all the

things that are wrong with me.

How do you treat yourself when you believe and feel the thought? I

have low self-esteem and I don't feel like I deserve good things.

I'm discouraged and discouraging to others. I label outcomes as

being good or bad and then I tell myself I was lucky (if something

good happened) or I didn't deserve it anyway because something is

wrong with me (if something bad happened).

I just realized that if I didn't attach to a particular outcome (I

only want " good " things to happen) or if I didn't have certain

expectations, then what happens would be neither good nor bad. I

also need to stop making the faulty connection between me and the

outcome. I have nothing to do with the outcome – I am not the

outcome – so whether I'm " good " or " bad/have something wrong with me "

is irrelevant.

When something " happens, " I notice that I tend to dig my heels even

further into resistance. I latch onto what ever is happening like a

life preserver on the Titanic. I won't let go until I " understand "

everything that was said, everything that happened, why it happened,

just so I can prove (or disprove) that there is something wrong with

me and therefore it was (or wasn't) my fault. It's like I'm

shouting, " Stop! Wait! I need to figure this out so I can see what

I need to fix, change or blame. "

How have you lived your life because you believed that thought there

is something wrong with me? I isolate myself because I don't want

other people to see that there is something wrong with me. I take

great pains in hiding from everyone. I don't ask for what I want

because I don't want people to laugh at me because they don't think I

deserve it. I don't take risks, I second guess myself and I over

analyze my thoughts and feelings and desires.

Where does your mind travel when you attach to that thought? Out of

the present moment, that's for sure!

Whose business are you in when you think that thought there is

something wrong with me? I'm in God's business. I can be perfect or

wrong…whatever serves God's purpose at that moment. My being wrong

(or perfect) could be a catalyst for someone/something else – that's

my job at that moment - whether it's being perfect or having

something wrong with me.

Why do you hold the belief that something is wrong with me? What

does it bring you? It keeps me in line – it makes me dependent on

other peoples LAA for my self-worth. They determine what I'm worth

and they have power over me. Parents like that…it makes things a lot

easier!

I get to justify bad things happening to me. I get to justify being

the victim. I get to be right (who's going to argue with me about

something like that?).

I take myself out of the game – I'm not threatening to anyone. I

won't compete directly with anyone – I can't because there is

something wrong with me.

It's a way to maintain my " picture " of myself as being a " nice "

person (tolerating flaws in others) and a " strong " person (overcoming

my own flaws).

Does this thought bring peace or stress into you life? A lot of

stress. Can you see a reason to drop that thought? Yes, several.

Can you see a stress-free reason to keep this thought? No.

Who would you be without the thought there is something wrong with

me? I would feel much better…healed and whole. I would be more

accepting of myself and others (there is nothing wrong with them

either). I would be more at peace with myself and not at war trying

to change, fix or blame myself or others. I would be open to seeing

clearly the economy and perfection of the universe.

How does it feel? What do you see? I feel much more relaxed. I

wouldn't be poised to seize upon moments that conflicted with my

expectations.

How would you live your life without that thought? I wouldn't

hesitate anymore because I wouldn't be worried that I don't have what

it takes to do something. I wouldn't be afraid of

being " discovered. "

How would you treat others differently without that thought? I

wouldn't be afraid to let people see what they see. It's their stuff

their seeing anyway, it has nothing to do with me or my flaws (real

or perceived). Next time someone says, " There is (something) wrong

with you! " I'll just say, " You could be right, and turn that

around… " Next time I think, " There's something wrong with that

person… " I'll remind myself to turn it around!

Turn the thought around: There is something wrong with me

There is nothing wrong with me – true – I'm perfect in this moment.

It doesn't mean I'll get " better " or won't get " worse " in the next.

It just means that there is nothing wrong with me in this moment. I

am what I need to be right now in spite of what you or I think

is " perfection "

There is something wrong with my thinking – true – it is the thought

that there is something wrong with me that is stressful

There is nothing wrong with my thinking – this is also true – I need

to have the thought that there is something wrong with me because I'm

having it - otherwise I wouldn't be having it.

I'm looking forward to thinking that there is something wrong with me…

same as above. The thought will come and go – until it doesn't.

There is something right with me – true – there can be something

right with me and something wrong with me at the same time (i.e., bad

hair day and great shoes).

There is something wrong with YOU – could be true – who am I to say.

You can only be upset about what your own thoughts say, not about

what I've actually said or done. This feels great because I don't

have to take responsibility for your reaction. Whew!

[Guest guest]

very good......

[Guest guest]

Hi Marsha,

Thank you for sharing your work.

It made me realize again that all judgements of good and bad and

right and wrong make me move out of my integrity and make me lose

sight of what is true for me.

It serves me to inquire into the more specific examples

of 'something wrong' and question those thoughts, e.g.

" I should go to the gym more often. "

" I should not have forgotten my notes for the meeting. "

" I should eat good foods only. "

I find those beliefs often more fun to inquire into and I think that

for me they are more helpful (give me a better handle on the issue),

than to inquire into the more general and vague thought 'there is

something wrong with me.'

As an aside: Somewhere in your piece you said that your mother

yelled at you: " What's wrong with you? "

We tend to interpret this question (as you seem to do) as a

statement, namely that there is something wrong with us.

Instead we could try to hear this question literally and see if we

can find anything that might be wrong with us and what would that be?

Love,

Eva

[Guest guest]

Hello Marsha ~

A moving examination into the sense of one's self.

The conclusion " there is (or there is not) something wrong with me "

arises out of the gap, the discontinuity, between two thoughts held

either consciously or not:

One thought, " this is how I am "

and another,

" this is how I should be. "

It may be seen that neither thought is valid, that both thoughts

arise out of the individual's innate conditioning-in-the-moment. The

more investment in the thoughts, whether good or bad, the more the

sense of a " self " takes hold. From where does the investment in

thoughts appear? It is part of the self's " wiring. " And at any

moment, what determines how the self is " wired " ?