Re: Re: the human race - Helena

[Guest guest]

Thank you Jan and nne for your kind words, I really appreciated them a

lot, thanks!

But brave and wonderful?

Times over this last day or so I've not felt that at all. I'm going up and

down a lot now. I don't know - remind me which way is up?

At one point on Friday evening I felt so spent. Closed down really.

Doing-the-Work fatigue? Then this friend emailed me and complained about how

closed down I was. Suddenly it all became her fault. I wrote a letter

complaining back about how tired I felt to be seen as closed down by her.

It took me until the next day to see what I had done - got angry at myself

for feeling closed down and hung my anger and resentment around her neck.

Whoops!

Today, back came her reply - incandescent rage.

Now here's my conundrum.

I sat and read this great long letter full of such a deluge of criticisms

and felt quite calm and clear. Which astonished me. I wrote back calmly,

patiently, working though the whole letter, point by point, acknowledging

her view of me. And I can tell you, this letter was just amazing - a torrent

of fury, no punches pulled, no holds barred - but I noticed I found it

funny, interesting and rather sweet. Quite lovely in a mad sort of way.

She's obviously just very, very, very confused. Right in how she sees me -

but very confused - as obviously she feels I shouldn't be like this - but I

am.

And I realized I felt unhurt, unattacked.

Isn't that patronizing?Am I closed down? Not feeling enough? Or have I sunk

to such depths that to be called all these awful things no longer gets to

me? For a surprising amount of it, I could go, " Yes, I see that in me, I am

x or y, I can find that in me. You are right! "

I did argue the toss here and there though. So hard not to! What hooks me,

I notice , is points of order, as I kept calling them. " No, You called me

first then I called you back and left that message then you called me 9 more

times and I didn't call back " (You see, she's right, I am closed down) (to

her).

I'm going with the optimistic theory - that doing the Work is working - to

some extent. If she had sent that letter a month ago it would have ripped

me to shreds. I've have fragmented into a devastated heap of horror in sheer

pain, I know I would and then I'd have sent back a letter of such brutal

counterattack I'd have destroyed her on paper.

My guess is I'm starting to bake, but well short of cooked yet. And

experiencing non reaction is just so unfamiliar - normally I'm pretty

reactive when accused of something. Yet, is it okay? Feeling so unmoved

feels very weird. Maybe I am split off? At least I should be feeling some

emotion like guilt, remorse, pity, sympathy, surely? I don't know. What

should I be feeling?

I see that on some level I feel that even if I'm not feeling pain, I should

be feeling hers. Being more empathetic. Caring. It's cold of me not to feel

something more.

I know, I know, you are going to say " what I should be feeling is what I am

feeling or not feeling, and that 's okay because it is what is "

But I'd like to ask you all this - have you observed shifts in how you now,

since starting to do the Work, experience quarrels and fights with people,

in how you respond to being attacked, that surprised you?

It would be interesting to know, to compare notes.....

And finally Jan, what does this mean?

words are not the prayer -

feelings are the prayers that get answered.

love you all,

Helena

---Original Message-----

From: jan

Sent: Saturday, July 17, 2004 2:42 AM

To: Loving-what-is

Subject: Re: the human race - Helena

>

> What I notice is - when I put violence out there in thought, word or

deed,

> it comes straight back in some form or other because the world reflects

> exactly how I am, back to me. It can't help but do this. I'm just

glad it

> came back as a hole in my wallet, not a hole in someone else's head.

What a great story! How illustrative! This has been my experience

too - Scientist named Braden says that words are not the prayer -

feelings are the prayers that get answered.

>

>

> 8888888888888888888888888888888888888

>

> What she meant, shockingly, was that I would only be whole when I

could find

> inside me, and acknowledge, all human experience within me, and own

it as my

> own.

>

" Who would you

> be without your story? " ?

>

> " I would be all stories (without attachment to any) "

I love that you shared this - Thank you! Your energy and enthusiastic

shift in perception is contagious.

>

>

> 888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

>

> Can I turn this around? Can I own this?

>

> the more I

> inquire, the more I become fascinated by this experience of being alive,

> this mirror game reality. It's amazing. Addictive. I laugh a lot

more these

> days as I intermittently notice how funny life is, how funny some of

these

> stories are that I take so deadly seriously. How upside down I have it.

>

> She said, (and I'm paraphrasing because I didn't write it down at

the time):

> you may find it (a negative quality) in yourself and your expression

of it

> might be tiny in comparison to someone's else's expression of it,

but if you

> cannot find it in yourself you will demonize the other who you see

it in. To

> see it in yourself is to humanize it, and thus to see the humanity

of the

> other, that essentially they are not " they " they are we.

>

> And We are One, as my first teacher used to say.

>

> A final thought from : There are no new thoughts.

>

Thank you for this sharing. Your way of telling this adventure is so

captivating - so graspable. Thank you.

Jan

[Guest guest]

Dear Helena,

Your description resonates strongly for me. I attended 's nine day

school last month. Since I got back, (my wife) and I have been

re-calibrating our relationship. Much of the process has involved a

good deal of expressing strong feelings about me (fear, anger,

sadness, rage).

Through it all, I have felt present, calm, and clear. I've had

feelings, but not the reactive impatience, frustration, and anger I

would have three months ago. For me, the feelings have run more to

gratitude, curiosity, presence, and peace, sometimes some poignancy or

sadness. For a time, my apparent lack of feeling was leading to

feeling more reactive and upset. Last week we figured out that I still

had feelings and it would be helpful for me to let them show to the

extent that felt appropriate, so could see the evidence of them.

There have been occasional flashes of old mindsets and attitudes. This

morning, I forgot a piece of equipment at home that I needed to bring

to work with me. At first, I wanted to blame my forgetfulness on

's constantly wanting my attention. I caught myself fairly quickly

and acknowledged that being responsible for myself is my job, not

's.

I'm still learning how to be both honest and kind, to myself and to

. is coaching me on how to communicate clearly in ways that

have meaning for her so I can say what I want to in a way she can

understand. I'm learning a lot. I especially like your image of

" starting to bake, but well short of cooked. " That feels true for me.

peace...

Tom

> Thank you Jan and nne for your kind words, I really appreciated

> them a

> lot, thanks!

>

> But brave and wonderful?

>

> Times over this last day or so I've not felt that at all. I'm going up

> and

> down a lot now. I don't know - remind me which way is up?

>

> At one point on Friday evening I felt so spent. Closed down really.

> Doing-the-Work fatigue? Then this friend emailed me and complained

> about how

> closed down I was. Suddenly it all became her fault. I wrote a letter

> complaining back about how tired I felt to be seen as closed down by

> her.

> It took me until the next day to see what I had done - got angry at

> myself

> for feeling closed down and hung my anger and resentment around her

> neck.

> Whoops!

>

> Today, back came her reply - incandescent rage.

>

> Now here's my conundrum.

>

> I sat and read this great long letter full of such a deluge of

> criticisms

> and felt quite calm and clear. Which astonished me. I wrote back

> calmly,

> patiently, working though the whole letter, point by point,

> acknowledging

> her view of me. And I can tell you, this letter was just amazing - a

> torrent

> of fury, no punches pulled, no holds barred - but I noticed I found it

> funny, interesting and rather sweet. Quite lovely in a mad sort of way.

> She's obviously just very, very, very confused. Right in how she sees

> me -

> but very confused - as obviously she feels I shouldn't be like this -

> but I

> am.

>

> And I realized I felt unhurt, unattacked.

>

> Isn't that patronizing?Am I closed down? Not feeling enough? Or have I

> sunk

> to such depths that to be called all these awful things no longer gets

> to

> me? For a surprising amount of it, I could go, " Yes, I see that in me,

> I am

> x or y, I can find that in me. You are right! "

>

> I did argue the toss here and there though. So hard not to! What

> hooks me,

> I notice , is points of order, as I kept calling them. " No, You called

> me

> first then I called you back and left that message then you called me

> 9 more

> times and I didn't call back " (You see, she's right, I am closed down)

> (to

> her).

>

> I'm going with the optimistic theory - that doing the Work is working

> - to

> some extent. If she had sent that letter a month ago it would have

> ripped

> me to shreds. I've have fragmented into a devastated heap of horror in

> sheer

> pain, I know I would and then I'd have sent back a letter of such

> brutal

> counterattack I'd have destroyed her on paper.

>

> My guess is I'm starting to bake, but well short of cooked yet. And

> experiencing non reaction is just so unfamiliar - normally I'm pretty

> reactive when accused of something. Yet, is it okay? Feeling so unmoved

> feels very weird. Maybe I am split off? At least I should be feeling

> some

> emotion like guilt, remorse, pity, sympathy, surely? I don't know. What

> should I be feeling?

>

> I see that on some level I feel that even if I'm not feeling pain, I

> should

> be feeling hers. Being more empathetic. Caring. It's cold of me not to

> feel

> something more.

>

> I know, I know, you are going to say " what I should be feeling is what

> I am

> feeling or not feeling, and that 's okay because it is what is "

>

> But I'd like to ask you all this - have you observed shifts in how you

> now,

> since starting to do the Work, experience quarrels and fights with

> people,

> in how you respond to being attacked, that surprised you?

>

> It would be interesting to know, to compare notes.....

>

> And finally Jan, what does this mean?

> words are not the prayer -

> feelings are the prayers that get answered.

>

> love you all,

>

> Helena

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

what came up for me:

Am 20.07.2004 um 19:27 schrieb :

> I read this message and this sentence hit me in the stomach: She's

> obviously just very, very, very confused.

> Yack! I AM very confused right now, I need to do the work.

>

> I hate it when people don´t take my anger seriously. I hate it when

> they say I am confused.

> So people should take your anger seiously.

> Do they? Often, but not always.

Do you always take *them* seriously?

> Is it true they should when they don´t? No, not at all. Can you

> absolutely know they don´t take it

> seriously, even if you think so? No, I can´t. How do you react when

> you think that someone should take your anger seriously and they

> seem not to, say they laugh for instance? I get even angrier. I feel

> ashamed. I feel frustrated. I feel sad. I stop being honest to that

> person to avoid that kind of reaction agin. Picture yourself angry

> at someone that laughs or smile and say " you are just very confused

> right now " , and imagine that you can´t think that they shouldn´t act

> like that. What would you do, how would you feel? Just be angry, I

> guess.

You were angry, is that true? How does the person look like. When you

close your eyes, can you see her laughing and saying what she says,

without attaching to your story? Is that person happy and having fun?

There she sits, having a great time as you are until you tell yourself

the story about how her actions have something to do with you. That she

should approve of you, what she isn't doing - according to *you*.

And who would *you* be without your story?

> I wouldn´t take their reaction as personal. I wouldn´t try to

> change them. I would see both our reactions as innocent. Neither of

> us can help it.

Talk for yourself and experience humility in that.

> TA: I hate when I don´t take other peoples anger

> seriously. Yes, I do. It doesn´t feel good at all. It makes me feel

> like I have the upper hand, that I am somehow better than them. It

> feels patronizing. And very lonely.

Yes, it's separating. Instead of joining which is our nature. And I

know it's *my* nature because that's when I feel best. I see a couple

how they are in love and having fun, laughing and feel good until I

tell myself the story how *she* is *my* girl (woman, wife, etc.) or

*he* is *my* husband (boy, man, friend, etc.) or *they* are not

supposed to have fun together, without me.

> I hate when I don´t take my own

> anger seriously. Yes. Shuting down angry thoughts and feelings

> hurts, it makes my stomach ache and my shoulders get tensed. That´s

> what happened when I read this post. The way I noticed that it made

> me angry was because of the intensive pain in my stomach.

That arose because you attached to a story instead of meeting the anger

with understanding… When I meet my anger with understanding and

question one arises, it's like: Is that true? - Oh, no. It is not. And

then I got enough distance from the thought to question it, and I see

how I became loud, and " powerful " and show my muscles and my strength.

And when I see how it was all a reaction to the upcoming thought, an

understanding arises, and I become an answer to question four. And in

that lies enough peace to look at the turnaround - which can be quite

interesting.

> So good I discovered what it was and could take a look at it. The pain

> is gone

> by the way!

Yes, isn't that beautiful?

> OK, the next one. People shouldn´t say I am confused when I am

> angry. Is it true? No. Could they be right? Yes absolutely. I

> believe anger is a sort of confusion.

When I look at my anger what I learn is, that it is a reaction to fear

arising, and not being investigated. Fear arises from some thoughts,

and without investigation turns into anger. Investigated fear turns

into understanding of the thought beneath.

> What does it mean to you when

> someone says you are confused when your´re angry? That they

> patronize me. Can you absolutely know that they do that? No, I

> can´t. What I do know is that I am patronizing myself when I think

> they do. And I become very defensiv. This is what happen when I

> think this thought.

> Who would you be...? Maybe I would say, yes I am

> confused and I am still angry.

Ah, that sounds like pure wisdom speaking!

> And not lay any guilt on myself. Most

> people, everyone I know actually, are angry=confused sometimes. I

> wouldn´t be separeted from others but see that we are sitting in the

> same boat.

And how would you see *them* without your story?

> TA: I shouldn´t say people are confused when they are

> angry. Well, that doesn´t seem to be something you want to hear

> right then. And what would be the point anyway?

And you *know* how that feels for *you*.

> I shouldn´t say to myself that I am confused when I am angry. No, not

> as long as it

> hurts me.

> People should say I am confused when I am angry. Well they

> have only spoken the truth so, in what way can that hurt me?

Yes, and they *do*. And they should do so *only* when they do. And even

if it is not the truth, you can just share your experience.

> Confusion is a very common state to be in for the human race. If I

> want confusion to stop on this planet, I should start with myself.

> And I am. Right now.

I think I can love *that*.

> This is another thing that made my stomach ache:

> >I know I would and then I'd have sent back a letter of such brutal

> > counterattack I'd have destroyed her on paper.

> >

> This sounds like a threat to me. I really don´t like threats. People

> shouldn´t threat me. Is it true? No, it has happened many times in

> my life. From my parents (o boy, they know how to threat a little

> girl!) to schoolmates, boyfriends, authorities and relatives.

So go to that place where you have absolutely been threatened, and

investigate if you *really* were. According to *you*. If you want to go

deeper.

> How do

> you react when you think you are threatened? I get terrified. And

> furious. I have developed a very well protecting defense system; I

> threat back even stronger.

And tell us how good that works. Does it make others stop threatening

you? Maybe they have the same defense system.

Don't you use your weapons or I'll use mine. Don't build too many

dangerous weapons or I will attack you/build even more/bigger ones.

Isn't that how the world turns?

> So you are no different from Helena then?

> No, I´m not! Oh, that felt so good to realize! I have distroyed one

> or two myself on paper. When some people get afraid or hurt they go

> into defense and they can´t help it more than I can, because our

> reactons comes from the stories that runs in our heads and since we

> didn´t put them there in the first place, we can´t be held

> responsible for the way we react.

That sounds very wise to me.

> Picture yourself being threat and

> not being able to see it as a threat. Who would you be? Perfectly

> calm and uninfluenced. If I believe that nothing can hurt me I

> wouldn´t be afraid.

And what I hear is, that you came to see what it takes *you* to

threaten someone. So what you can say when someone threatens you, can

be something like: " I don't know about you, but I react like that when

I think I was threatened. Do you have the impression that I am

threatening you? "

> TA:

> I shouldn´t threat others. No, I really shouldn´t.

Tell us about how you do threaten others.

> I shouldn´t threat myself. True. The only threats that exists are the

> ones I say to myself.

Can you find an example?

> Others should threat me. Yes, as long as I expierence it, it is what

> is.

And they will go on as long as you need it for getting realization.

Love,

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

Am 23.07.2004 um 18:50 schrieb :

> Dear .

> yes I would like to go deeper.

>

> >

> > > I read this message and this sentence hit me in the stomach:

> She's

> > > obviously just very, very, very confused.

> > > Yack! I AM very confused right now, I need to do the work.

> > >

> > > I hate it when people don´t take my anger seriously. I hate it

> when

> > > they say I am confused.

> > >  So people should take your anger seiously.

> > > Do they? Often, but not always.

> > Do you always take *them* seriously?

>

> No, I don´t.

So work on that.

> " What are they whining about " I sometimes think. People

> probably think so sometimes about me too. It is not easy to be

> compassionate all the time. If it was I guess we all would. Right

> now I look forward to the next time someone doesn´t take me

> seriously. It will be interesting to see how I react. I want to know

> the truth about myself. I am willing to take a look at my reactions.

Good.

> > > Is it true they should when they don´t? No, not at all. Can you

> > > absolutely know they don´t take it

> > > seriously, even if you think so? No, I can´t. How do you react

> when

> > > you think that someone should take your anger seriously and they

> > > seem not to, say they laugh for instance? I get even angrier. I

> feel

> > > ashamed. I feel frustrated. I feel sad. I stop being honest to

> that

> > > person to avoid that kind of reaction agin. Picture yourself

> angry

> > > at someone that laughs or smile and say " you are just very

> confused

> > > right now " , and imagine that you can´t think that they shouldn´t

> act

> > > like that. What would you do, how would you feel? Just be angry,

> I

> > > guess.

> > You were angry, is that true?

>

> I have heard you question if it is true that I feel this or that

> before. I would like to say: get in in your head that my feelings

> are true! LOL Well, it is just a question... This is how I see it:

> whatever I feel is true. If you don´t believe me please explain how

> a feeling can be a lie?

Yes, it's just a question! ;-) And I don't say: don't believe your

feelings. I heard that you would be angry, if someone laughed at you or

smiled and said " you are just very confused right now " and did not have

the thought. I am asking: is it true you would be angry even without

the thought? Your answer may be yes, I don't know. It's not my

experience. I can not be angry without having a thought.

> Thoughts - feelings - action. A thought

> appear. I either believe it or not, either way I can´t decide which

> it should be. It just happens. Then I feel something. Then I act in

> some way. The only lie that might be here is the thought. So when I

> am angry and someone laughs I could without my story that they

> shouldn´t laugh  maybe join them or I could still be angry but not

> add pain from the laughing. Without my story I wouldn´t be angry at

> them for laughing. I could still however be angry because the person

> hit my daughter for example. But that is another story. And I would

> like to concentrate on this one right now.

Ok, I hear that. So you are angry in the first place, and on top of

that more anger from the thought. Or not.

And what would make you most angry?

> How does the person look like. When you

> > close your eyes, can you see her laughing and saying what she

> says,

> > without attaching to your story? Is that person happy and having

> fun?

> > There she sits, having a great time as you are until you tell

> yourself

> > the story about how her actions have something to do with you.

> That she

> > should approve of you, what she isn't doing - according to *you*.

> > And who would *you* be without your story?

>

> Maybe I would start to laugh myself.

And how do you see *her* without your story? How does she look? She

sits there, laughing.

> I see an underlying story here:

> when I am angry people shouldn´t have fun. Is it true? No, people

> have fun all around the world when I am angry. They don´t care if I

> am angry or not. How nice! I have not the power to stop people from

> having fun!

> How do you react when you believe that thought? I think

> that if they are having fun while I am angry it means they despice

> me and that I have no right to be angry.

> Can you absolutely know

> that they despice you? No, I can´t.

> Can you absolutely know you

> shouldn´t be angry when you are? No. If God is everything and good

> it means my anger is good too. When I don´t need it anymore it will

> go away. In the meantime I can take a look at the thoughts that

> causes my anger and ask myself if they are true or not.

> Who would

> you be without the story that people shouldn´t have fun when you are

> angry? Be happy for them. See that whatever they are thinking hasn´t

> got anything with me to do. And I would see that whatever I am

> feeling has nothing with them to do either. So instead of yelling or

> have an angry voice or give them the look I maybe would investigate

> my thoughts first. And I have noticed that I do that a lot more

> these days.

> > > I wouldn´t take their reaction as personal. I wouldn´t try to

> > > change them. I would see both our reactions as innocent. Neither of

> > > us can help it.

> > Talk for yourself and experience humility in that.

>

> I don´t really get this. I interpret it as that you mean I can only

> speak for myself. If that is the case I agree with you when it comes

> to what we feel and think. But I believe that we are all innocent

> and can´t be held responsible for our reactions. And when I say that

> I feel a warm feeling, maybe it is called humility?

Ok, if it feels good to you, stay with it.

And if you want to investigate, ask yourself what you get for holding

that belief?

See how I laugh at you and say " you are confused " , and you have the

thought, that *I* am innocent. Is it a joining or a separation? Does it

make you superior, even just a little bit? And as you know, there is no

wrong answer.

> > > TA: I hate when I don´t take other peoples anger

> > > seriously. Yes, I do. It doesn´t feel good at all. It makes me feel

> > > like I have the upper hand, that I am somehow better than them. It

> > > feels patronizing. And very lonely.

> > Yes, it's separating. Instead of joining which is our nature. And I

> > know it's *my* nature because that's when I feel best. I see a couple

> > how they are in love and having fun, laughing and feel good until I

> > tell myself the story how *she* is *my* girl (woman, wife, etc.) or

> > *he* is *my* husband (boy, man, friend, etc.) or *they* are not

> > supposed to have fun together, without me.

> Yes, there are many myths of how you should behave in a relationship.

And it doesn't even *take* a relationship, does it? When I see others

having fun without me, sometimes it hurts, sometimes it doesn't. I

realize that it *does* hurt, when I have the story that they should put

their attention on *me*.

> > > I hate when I don´t take my own

> > > anger seriously. Yes. Shuting down angry thoughts and feelings

> > > hurts, it makes my stomach ache and my shoulders get tensed. That´s

> > > what happened when I read this post. The way I noticed that it made

> > > me angry was because of the intensive pain in my stomach.

> > That arose because you attached to a story instead of meeting

> theanger

> > with understanding… When I meet my anger with understanding and

> > question one arises, it's like: Is that true? - Oh, no. It is not.

> And

> > then I got enough distance from the thought to question it, and I see

> > how I became loud, and " powerful " and show my muscles and my

> strength.

> > And when I see how it was all a reaction to the upcoming thought, an

> > understanding arises, and I become an answer to question four. And in

> > that lies enough peace to look at the turnaround - which can be quite

> > interesting.

> >

> > > So good I discovered what it was and could take a look at it. The

> pain

> > > is gone

> > > by the way!

> > Yes, isn't that beautiful?

> >

> > > OK, the next one. People shouldn´t say I am confused when I am

> > > angry. Is it true? No. Could they be right? Yes absolutely. I

> > > believe anger is a sort of confusion.

> > When I look at my anger what I learn is, that it is a reaction to

> fear

> > arising, and not being investigated. Fear arises from some thoughts,

> > and without investigation turns into anger. Investigated fear turns

> > into understanding of the thought beneath.

> Yes, I have noticed that too.

> > > What does it mean to you when

> > > someone says you are confused when your´re angry? That they

> > > patronize me. Can you absolutely know that they do that? No, I

> > > can´t. What I do know is that I am patronizing myself when I think

> > > they do. And I become very defensiv. This is what happen when I

> > > think this thought.

> >

> > > Who would you be...? Maybe I would say, yes I am

> > > confused and I am still angry.

> > Ah, that sounds like pure wisdom speaking!

> > > And not lay any guilt on myself. Most

> > > people, everyone I know actually, are angry=confused sometimes. I

> > > wouldn´t be separeted from others but see that we are sitting in

> the

> > > same boat.

> > And how would you see *them* without your story?

> I would see that their anger, or fear is as innocent as mine and not

> personal. And may they laugh out of fear or act patronizing, they

> are just as me, innocent and not personal.

> > > TA: I shouldn´t say people are confused when they are

> > > angry. Well, that doesn´t seem to be something you want to hear

> > > right then. And what would be the point anyway?

> > And you *know* how that feels for *you*.

> Yes, I can´t know they feel the same way. They could however be just

> like me, so it would be a nice thing to do from my point of view to

> not telling them how confused they are.

Yes, for your *own* good. It is a completely egoistic action, and that

is the same with every action. All my actions are for *me*.

> > > I shouldn´t say to myself that I am confused when I am angry. No,

> not

> > > as long as it

> > > hurts me.

> >

> > > People should say I am confused when I am angry. Well they

> > > have only spoken the truth so, in what way can that hurt me?

> > Yes, and they *do*. And they should do so *only* when they do. And

> even

> > if it is not the truth, you can just share your experience.

> >

> > > Confusion is a very common state to be in for the human race. If I

> > > want confusion to stop on this planet, I should start with myself.

> > > And I am. Right now.

> > I think I can love *that*.

> When you express yourself like that I become so curious of what you

> are thinking! Couldn´t you please tell me?

I can try: I love how you see that *you* have to start with *yourself*.

What I love about it is, that *you* become my teacher, showing me what

*I* have to do, and making me look for where I don't do it yet.

Now, if I see everyone as confused, it makes me somehow superior,

because I " know " something, they don't. Maybe they are *not* confused,

and just doing what needs to be done to stop mine. The only way to know

that is stopping *my* confusion. It's a life's work.

> > > This is another thing that made my stomach ache:

> > > >I know I would and then I'd have sent back a letter of such brutal

> > > > counterattack I'd have destroyed her on paper.

> > > >

> > > This sounds like a threat to me. I really don´t like threats.

> People

> > > shouldn´t threat me. Is it true? No, it has happened many times in

> > > my life. From my parents (o boy, they know how to threat a little

> > > girl!) to schoolmates, boyfriends, authorities and relatives.

> > So go to that place where you have absolutely been threatened, and

> > investigate if you *really* were. According to *you*. If you want to

> go

> > deeper.

> Ok. When I was about five years old my mom locked me in a little

> cupboard with no windows. I thought that she was never gonna let me

> out and that I was going to die in there.

> Did she let you out? Yes, after a few minutes, I think.

> Did you die? No, I lived it. Being locked in wasn´t the terrible

> thing, my stories was what really

> scared me. And reality was nicer, of course. I was afraid of being

> locked in for several years.

So you come to see that reality was kinder. And what had your mother to

do with your stories?

…

I'd like to stay with this one for a while and investigate it.

Close your eyes. You are in the cupboard, and the door is locked. Can

you go there?

Are you ok? Is your heart still beating? Are you breathing?

Can you live that situation without your story? It's a *very* scary

one. No wonder you were afraid for several years.

I go with this to a dream I once had, about being outside in the dark,

and my mother going away and not waiting for me. I tried to move

towards the lighted house, where I thought my mother was, and the more

I move towards the house, the further the house moved away.

So, reality is, that I was sleeping.

I am alone in the dark. What is the worst thing that could happen?

I could never get to the house. - Am I alife, do I breath? - Yes. - So

I never get to the house. Can I absolutely know that that is true? -

No. - What is the worst thing that can happen, if I never get to the

house again? - I am alone, and I could always stay alone. - Can I

absolutely know that that is true? - No - Have I ever been alone? -

Yes. - So I will always stay alone. What is the worst thing that can

happen? - I can fail. - Can I absolutely know that? - No. - How can I

fail? - I can fail life, and die. - That's what people do, no one makes

it.

Go to that place, where are you, what do you see? - I am between rocks,

distels, it's hot.

Have you ever been between rocks and have you ever seen distels, and

have you ever had hot? - Yes.

Did you make it? - Yes.

Now, try to die…

Hmmmm… a peaceful and comforting feeling remains, with the blue sky

over me.

> It went away when something happened to me years later.

> I had a fight with my best friend and she locked me

> in her room. I paniced and screamed and she immidiatly opened the

> door and throughed herself around my neck and said she was so sorry.

> I think we both cried. I have no fear for being locked in anymore.

> Well, back to the story, I thought my life was threatened.

Go to that place, there in that cupboard, little girl. Your life is

threatened, is that really true?

How do you react, when you think that thought?

Who would you be, little girl, in that cupboard, if you could not think

that thought?

Turn it around.

> Little girls shouldn´t have to have expierences like that. Is that

> true?

> No, not on planet earth.

Turn it around, and meet reality.

> I suspect little girls have frightning expierences every day on this

> planet.

And can you absolutely know it?

put " me " in it. - is that as true?

> What can I do about it? I can only try not to scare any children I

> meet.

put " me " in there.

> I AM very kind to children. Most children seems to like me a lot.

I hear that, and it sounds very loving. I like you a lot, too.

> They seem to trust me and want to be with me. I am very grateful for

> that.

Fine.

> How does it

> make you react when you think that little girls, or boys for that

> matter, shouldn´t have to expierence frightning things? I believe it

> has made me sensitive to children suffering. There is love in it but

> also pain. Almost everytime my pupils said I had hurt them in any

> way, I felt very guilty and bad. Sometimes I could just calmly

> appologize but sometimes I became very defensiv. It has also led to

> that I don´t read any newspapers or watch any news. And I am not

> going to until I can hear of childrens suffering without expierence

> pain.

So, how do you react when you think that little children should not

have to experience frightening things, and all the *world* tells you

how they do? How do you react in that moment, what do you think about

others, about " them " ?

> Who would you be without this thought? Maybe I wouldn´t feel

> guilty if a child say I have hurt it but just feel compassion. Maybe

> I could see my own daughter suffer without feeling agone but just

> try to help her the best I can. I think I would be able to think and

> act clearer without guilt and agony.

That sounds very loving and sweet. Kind to yourself, too. And how would

you react without this thought, when reading the papers, or watching

the news?

> TA: Children should expierence frightning things. That is truer

> because many children do.

Yes, how many more children have to experience frightening things for

you to realize it?

It's in one *best* interest, that he does not experience fright as a

kid. Can you *absolutely* know that, on the long run?

> I should have expierenced frightning things as a child. Yes, that was

> what happened.

And this is where it got you.

> My thinking shouldn´t put me through frightning feelings

> about something that happened 30 years ago. No, there is nothing I

> can do about what happened and what I felt then. I don´t have to

> relive this pain over and over again. It is long gone. And I

> survived and I will never have to expierence that exact moment again.

I love how you see that it's over.

And whose buisness is your fright?

> > > How do

> > > you react when you think you are threatened? I get terrified. And

> > > furious. I have developed a very well protecting defense system; I

> > > threat back even stronger.

> > And tell us how good that works. Does it make others stop threatening

> > you? Maybe they have the same defense system.

> > Don't you use your weapons or I'll use mine. Don't build too many

> > dangerous weapons or I will attack you/build even more/bigger ones.

> > Isn't that how the world turns?

> Yes, I think it works like that. Violence and war will only create

> more of the same.

> > > So you are no different from Helena then?

> > > No, I´m not! Oh, that felt so good to realize! I have distroyed one

> > > or two myself on paper. When some people get afraid or hurt they go

> > > into defense and they can´t help it more than I can, because our

> > > reactons comes from the stories that runs in our heads and since we

> > > didn´t put them there in the first place, we can´t be held

> > > responsible for the way we react.

> > That sounds very wise to me.

> >

> > > Picture yourself being threat and

> > > not being able to see it as a threat. Who would you be? Perfectly

> > > calm and uninfluenced. If I believe that nothing can hurt me I

> > > wouldn´t be afraid.

> > And what I hear is, that you came to see what it takes *you* to

> > threaten someone. So what you can say when someone threatens you, can

> > be something like: " I don't know about you, but I react like that

> when

> > I think I was threatened. Do you have the impression that I am

> > threatening you? "

> Thanks for the advice!

> > > TA:

> > > I shouldn´t threat others. No, I really shouldn´t.

> > Tell us about how you do threaten others.

> I have told my daughter that she won´t have this or that if she

> doesn´t do as I say. I have threatened to leave my boyfriend if he

> doesn´t change. I have threatened to hit people.

And how does that feel, in the moment you threaten someone. Does it

feel good and comfortable? Would you do it, if you knew another way?

> > > I shouldn´t threat myself. True. The only threats that exists are

> the

> > > ones I say to myself.

> > Can you find an example?

> When I believe I am being threat a story of what terrible things

> might happen to me runs in my head. So next time that happens it

> will be exellent food for work!

So good you are looking forward to it.

> > > Others should threat me. Yes, as long as I expierence it, it is

> what

> > > is.

> > And they will go on as long as you need it for getting realization.

> Yes, I don´t know why but I find that amuzing, it makes me smile!

Wonderful!

And before it was a nightmare!

Love you,

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

Am 24.07.2004 um 17:19 schrieb :

> Dear ,

>

>

> > > > Do you always take *them* seriously?

> > >

> > > No, I don´t.

> > So work on that.

> Yes, I think I am doing that in this work. I am aware of it but as

> you know you can´t force yourself to feel understanding and

> compassion when you don´t. But I am working on it by starting with

> my own upsetness.

Good. It's a lifetimes work. And when you made it, *then* teach us. We

just don't know how.

> > > > You were angry, is that true?

> > >

> > > I have heard you question if it is true that I feel this or that

> > > before. I would like to say: get in in your head that my feelings

> > > are true! LOL Well, it is just a question... This is how I see

> it:

> > > whatever I feel is true. If you don´t believe me please explain

> how

> > > a feeling can be a lie?

> > Yes, it's just a question! ;-) And I don't say: don't believe your

> > feelings. I heard that you would be angry, if someone laughed at

> you or

> > smiled and said " you are just very confused right now " and did not

> have

> > the thought. I am asking: is it true you would be angry even

> without

> > the thought? Your answer may be yes, I don't know. It's not my

> > experience. I can not be angry without having a thought.

> > > Thoughts - feelings - action. A thought

> > > appear. I either believe it or not, either way I can´t decide

> which

> > > it should be. It just happens. Then I feel something. Then I act

> in

> > > some way. The only lie that might be here is the thought. So

> when I

> > > am angry and someone laughs I could without my story that they

> > > shouldn´t laugh  maybe join them or I could still be angry but

> not

> > > add pain from the laughing. Without my story I wouldn´t be angry

> at

> > > them for laughing. I could still however be angry because the

> person

> > > hit my daughter for example. But that is another story. And I

> would

> > > like to concentrate on this one right now.

> > Ok, I hear that. So you are angry in the first place, and on top

> of

> > that more anger from the thought. Or not.

> >

> > And what would make you most angry?

> I don´t know. Probably I would be most angry about that someone had

> hit my daughter. This is pure speculations. I just know how it has

> been before when someone lauhged " at me " when I was angry about

> something. So I have no idea if the thought " they shouldn´t laugh "

> didn´t exist if I still would be angry at what I was angry about in

> the first place or if the anger would go away because they laughed.

> I don´t see that it necessarely would have to do that if there is

> another thought that causes my anger. If I wasn´t able to think THAT

> thought I believe I wouldn´t be angry at all.

My thought is: when I know what makes me angry, I can picture myself in

that situation, and then investigate. If I can't find it, *now*, then

*now* I am a man, that can not experience anger. It *may* change…

So if you know that you would be angry at someone who hits your

daughter, you may as well investigate on that. The anger could leave

you… It may be worth a try.

Right now I can't think of anything that would make me angry, but I am

positive that someone will help me out with that, soon! ;-)

> > > How does the person look like. When you

> > > > close your eyes, can you see her laughing and saying what she

> > > says,

> > > > without attaching to your story? Is that person happy and

> having

> > > fun?

> > > > There she sits, having a great time as you are until you tell

> > > yourself

> > > > the story about how her actions have something to do with you.

> > > That she

> > > > should approve of you, what she isn't doing - according to

> *you*.

> > > > And who would *you* be without your story?

> > >

> > > Maybe I would start to laugh myself.

> > And how do you see *her* without your story? How does she look?

> She

> > sits there, laughing.

>

> It depends on what kind of laughter I would interpret it as. Some

> laughs sounds angry or afraid.

Well, a thought is needed for interpretation. Could you just look at

her, without thoughts appearing?

> However if I wasn´t able to think

> that people shouldn´t laugh when I am angry I wouldn´t care what

> kind of laugh it was, I guess. They could look happy to me, or

> afraid or angry, but since I then would have realized it wasn´t my

> business, no thought of wanting them to change would come up. I

> don´t think you have to be afraid or angry ourself to see it in

> another person.

I believe you have to have it in yourself. If I came to another planet,

and I wouldn't know the alien's expressions, I could not think that

they are angry, could I? So without stories, no one is afraid *or*

angry.

> But you wouldn´t make it your business if you weren´t investing

> something in what you see ot hear.

>

> > > > Talk for yourself and experience humility in that.

> > >

> > > I don´t really get this. I interpret it as that you mean I can

> only

> > > speak for myself. If that is the case I agree with you when it

> comes

> > > to what we feel and think. But I believe that we are all innocent

> > > and can´t be held responsible for our reactions. And when I say

> that

> > > I feel a warm feeling, maybe it is called humility?

> > Ok, if it feels good to you, stay with it.

> > And if you want to investigate, ask yourself what you get for

> holding

> > that belief?

> > See how I laugh at you and say " you are confused " , and you have

> the

> > thought, that *I* am innocent. Is it a joining or a separation?

> Does it

> > make you superior, even just a little bit? And as you know, there

> is no

> > wrong answer.

>

> Does it make me supirior? I wasn´t feeling superior at all or

> looking down from a " higher consciousness " or anything.

Ok. Is that true?

> What you wrote must be something you expierences.

Oh, yes, of course I experienced that! And for all my life!

Superior/Inferior that's what I learned. And I am *good* at it!

> With innocent I mean that

> none of us can help what we think. If I think that I can help it but

> you can´t or you can help it but I can´t or we both are guilty and

> should be punished with my anger or despice, I expierence stress.

> And separation. The moment I realize that we are all the same, all

> innocent of our thoughts, I feel conected to you. If we are not

> innocent then we are guilty, right? I really want to know how you

> think about this. For me innocent feels good, guilty, does not. Do

> you have another expierence?

Innocence feels humble. I *love* innocence when I see it.

> I think that when I am laughing AT

> someone angry instead of joining what is, I become the superior one.

> Let´s say someone says to me " I am so angry at you for all the times

> you didn´t call me when you say you would " and I start laughing at

> that person. It wouldn´t feel good. What would have felt good would

> have been to say " I am sorry for that and I understand that you feel

> so. I want to be honest with you. I can´t promise that I always will

> do as I say, but now that you have told me this I know how important

> it is for you and I will do what I can to call when I have said I

> will. Thank you for letting me know this. "

I don't know what I would say. It may sound like: I understand you are

angry.

And maybe: Is there something I can do for you?

> > And it doesn't even *take* a relationship, does it? When I see others

> > having fun without me, sometimes it hurts, sometimes it doesn't. I

> > realize that it *does* hurt, when I have the story that they should

> put

> > their attention on *me*.

> Yes, that is my expierence to.

>

> > Yes, for your *own* good. It is a completely egoistic action, and

> that

> > is the same with every action. All my actions are for *me*.

> Yes, that was my point.

>

> > > When you express yourself like that I become so curious of what you

> > > are thinking! Couldn´t you please tell me?

> > I can try: I love how you see that *you* have to start with

> *yourself*.

> > What I love about it is, that *you* become my teacher, showing me

> what

> > *I* have to do, and making me look for where I don't do it yet.

> > Now, if I see everyone as confused, it makes me somehow superior,

> > because I " know " something, they don't. Maybe they are *not*

> confused,

> > and just doing what needs to be done to stop mine. The only way to

> know

> > that is stopping *my* confusion. It's a life's work.

> Yes, I agree with you. Others confusion is none of my business. So I

> don´t even have to go there. It is enough and more to work with my

> own confusion. Thank you.

Oh, what comes to me:

*They* are *really* confused. - Can you absolutely know that it's true?

- I picture them just doing what they do. And I find I can not know

they are confused.

- I go to a place where I thought someone to be confused: One is

yelling at his daughter because she is crying.

And how do you react and treat them, when they do?

- I think they need the work! ;-) I feel like I should help them - what

*does* make me superior - and I come to observe them, and see where I

am " still " like them. (I believe my work won't be done, until I can see

the sanity and sage in their actions) - so, basically, I separate.

And who would I be withouth that thought, while I see him yelling at

his daughter?

- More at peace. Maybe observing better, trying to find out why I need

to see that.

Turnaround: They are not confused. - could be as true. They do what

they do, and I *interpret* it as " wrong " when I see confusion.

I am confused. - Well, in the moment I see *them* as confused, I am.

> > > > So go to that place where you have absolutely been threatened,and

> > > > investigate if you *really* were. According to *you*. If you

> want to

> > > go

> > > > deeper.

> > > Ok. When I was about five years old my mom locked me in a little

> > > cupboard with no windows. I thought that she was never gonna let me

> > > out and that I was going to die in there.

> >

> > > Did she let you out? Yes, after a few minutes, I think.

> > > Did you die? No, I lived it. Being locked in wasn´t the terrible

> > > thing, my stories was what really

> > > scared me. And reality was nicer, of course. I was afraid of being

> > > locked in for several years.

> > So you come to see that reality was kinder. And what had your mother

> to

> > do with your stories?

> I realized the moment I wrote this that she hadn´t got anything to

> do with it. The only thing she did was to drag me to the cupboard

> and put me there for a few minutes. It could have been a very loving

> thing to do if my thoughts around it would have been different. If

> my thought had been that she was hiding me from a murderer I would

> have seen it as a loving thing.

> But now I thought she was going to kill me. Maybe she was hiding me

> from a dangerous person, herself.

> Maybe it was better for me to sit in the cupboard while she calmed

> down than to face her rage? That is one way of looking at it that

> sure feels better that to think she was going to kill me. As a

> mother I know you can do things that your children expierences as

> very frightning and painful. When I did those things I was angry,

> confused, frustrated and tired and it had nothing with my sweet

> daughter to do. I guess that´s the way it was with my mom too. I

> don´t believe she thought that I would feel what I did.

Oh, it feels so good to see that!

> > …

> > I'd like to stay with this one for a while and investigate it.

> >

> > Close your eyes. You are in the cupboard, and the door is locked. Can

> > you go there?

> Anytime.

>

> > Are you ok?

>

> Yes, except from my thinking I am very ok.

>

> > Is your heart still beating? Are you breathing?

>

> Yes, I am perfectly fine.

>

> > Can you live that situation without your story? It's a *very* scary

> > one. No wonder you were afraid for several years.

>

> Yes, I see that without my story it could have been an adventure to

> be in the cupboard. My father had all kinds of exiting things in

> there we weren´t allowed to touch. I even believe we had cookies

> there. I could have eaten cookies and played with my father´s stuff.

> That´s what I would have done if it happened to me today, I think.

Yes, I can see that: " lock me in the cupboard, please! I want to go in

the cupboard " ;-)

> > I go with this to a dream I once had, about being outside in the

> dark,

> > and my mother going away and not waiting for me. I tried to move

> > towards the lighted house, where I thought my mother was, and the

> more

> > I move towards the house, the further the house moved away.

> > So, reality is, that I was sleeping.

> > I am alone in the dark. What is the worst thing that could happen?

> > I could never get to the house. - Am I alife, do I breath? - Yes. -So

> > I never get to the house. Can I absolutely know that that is true? -

> > No. - What is the worst thing that can happen, if I never get to the

> > house again? - I am alone, and I could always stay alone. - Can I

> > absolutely know that that is true? - No - Have I ever been alone? -

> > Yes. - So I will always stay alone. What is the worst thing that can

> > happen? - I can fail. - Can I absolutely know that? - No. - Howcan I

> > fail? - I can fail life, and die. - That's what people do, no one

> makes

> > it.

> > Go to that place, where are you, what do you see? - I am between

> rocks,

> > distels, it's hot.

> > Have you ever been between rocks and have you ever seen distels, and

> > have you ever had hot? - Yes.

> > Did you make it? - Yes.

> > Now, try to die…

> > Hmmmm… a peaceful and comforting feeling remains, with the blue sky

> > over me.

> I get a peaceful feeling too when I read this!

Thank you! I feel like something fell off, now. More peaceful when I

think of that dream.

> > > It went away when something happened to me years later.

> >

> > > I had a fight with my best friend and she locked me

> > > in her room. I paniced and screamed and she immidiatly opened the

> > > door and throughed herself around my neck and said she was so

> sorry.

> > > I think we both cried. I have no fear for being locked in anymore.

> > > Well, back to the story, I thought my life was threatened.

> > Go to that place, there in that cupboard, little girl. Your life is

> > threatened, is that really true?

>

> Yes, mom will never let me out of here! Can you absolutely know that

> is true? No, I can´t.

> > How do you react, when you think that thought?

> I through myself on the floor and scream in panic. I cry and think I

> can´t stand this. I feel totally humiliated.

So can you see a reason to drop the thought?

And can you find *one* peaceful reason to keep it?

> > Who would you be, little girl, in that cupboard, if you could not

> think

> > that thought?

> I would play with something and eat cookies and wait for my mom to

> open the door.

And how would that feel, inside?

> > Turn it around.

> My life isn´t threatend. That is true. Maybe it will be later, but

> right now in the cupboard it is not.

> My thoughts threaten me. Yes, they do.

> >

> > > Little girls shouldn´t have to have expierences like that. Is

> that

> > > true?

> > > No, not on planet earth.

> > Turn it around, and meet reality.

>

> Little girls should have to have frightning expierences like that.

> True. I had, it is reality.

Yes, I was going to:

*I* shouldn't have experiences like that. - especially not over and

over, in my mind.

> > > I suspect little girls have frightning expierences every day on

> this

> > > planet.

> > And can you absolutely know it?

> No, I can´t.

> > put " me " in it. - is that as true?

> I have frightning expierences every day. No, I haven´t. Not even in

> my head. Only when I think about it, but that doesn´t happen every

> day.

" I have frightning expierences every time I think that thought " - and

that time is always " now "

> > > What can I do about it? I can only try not to scare any children I

> > > meet.

> > put " me " in there.

> I can only try to not scare myself. Yes, that´s even truer.

> > > I AM very kind to children. Most children seems to like me a lot.

> > I hear that, and it sounds very loving. I like you a lot, too.

> Thank you! That made me very glad to hear.

> > > They seem to trust me and want to be with me. I am very grateful

> for

> > > that.

> > Fine.

> >

> > > How does it

> > > make you react when you think that little girls, or boys for that

> > > matter, shouldn´t have to expierence frightning things? I believe

> it

> > > has made me sensitive to children suffering. There is love in it

> but

> > > also pain. Almost everytime my pupils said I had hurt them in any

> > > way, I felt very guilty and bad. Sometimes I could just calmly

> > > appologize but sometimes I became very defensiv. It has also led to

> > > that I don´t read any newspapers or watch any news. And I am not

> > > going to until I can hear of childrens suffering without expierence

> > > pain.

> > So, how do you react when you think that little children should not

> > have to experience frightening things, and all the *world* tells you

> > how they do?

> I feel a lot of pain.

> > How do you react in that moment, what do you think about

> > others, about " them " ?

> I feel so sorry for the children and I want to help them, but I

> don´t know how. Not all of them at least. When I worked as a teacher

> I tried to help as many children as possible. And I got very sad the

> times I wasn´t able to.

Yes, it's like " you helped that one, ok, but what about the other

one? " . And always new ones popping out. Hard to find peace, there.

> What do I think of those I believe has hurt

> a child? If it is another child I can feel understanding for both.

> And still like that other child as much as before. When it comes to

> adults it is harder to feel understanding and like them. I don´t

> want to do the work on that right now but another time I could do it

> on " Adults shouldn´t hurt children " .

How does that feel inside?

> > > Who would you be without this thought? Maybe I wouldn´t feel

> > > guilty if a child say I have hurt it but just feel compassion.

> Maybe

> > > I could see my own daughter suffer without feeling agone but just

> > > try to help her the best I can. I think I would be able to think

> and

> > > act clearer without guilt and agony.

> > That sounds very loving and sweet. Kind to yourself, too. And how

> would

> > you react without this thought, when reading the papers, or watching

> > the news?

> Feel compassion I guess, for both the child and the perpetrator. And

> no pain of my own.

So, with the thought: pain, without the thought: no pain inside.

What I hear is that without the thought, one child less gets hurt: you.

> > > TA: Children should expierence frightning things. That is truer

> > > because many children do.

> > Yes, how many more children have to experience frightening things for

> > you to realize it?

> As many as it takes, I guess. I have no idea. This feels like an

> accusation, but I don´t believe it was your attention.

Of course not. I was thinking of:

" I should not experience frightning things. " As you do, every time you

hear that a child has been frightened!

> > It's in one *best* interest, that he does not experience fright as a

> > kid. Can you *absolutely* know that, on the long run?

> No, I can´t.

> > > I should have expierenced frightning things as a child. Yes,that

> was

> > > what happened.

> > And this is where it got you.

> Yes, I am in a great place except for the times when my thinking

> tells me otherwice.

> > > My thinking shouldn´t put me through frightning feelings

> > > about something that happened 30 years ago. No, there is nothing I

> > > can do about what happened and what I felt then. I don´t have to

> > > relive this pain over and over again. It is long gone. And I

> > > survived and I will never have to expierence that exact moment

> again.

> > I love how you see that it's over.

> >

> > And whose buisness is your fright?

> Mine. But I don´t have much to say in it. Maybe God´s then. Yes, I

> think so.

> > And how does that feel, in the moment you threaten someone. Does it

> > feel good and comfortable? Would you do it, if you knew another way?

> No, it feels awful. Yes, I would certainly have chosen another way

> if I could.

So they could be like you. They would choose another way, if they only

knew one.

> > > > > I shouldn´t threat myself. True. The only threats that exists

> are

> > > the

> > > > > ones I say to myself.

> > > > Can you find an example?

> > > When I believe I am being threat a story of what terrible things

> > > might happen to me runs in my head. So next time that happens it

> > > will be exellent food for work!

> > So good you are looking forward to it.

> >

> > > > > Others should threat me. Yes, as long as I expierence it, it

> is

> > > what

> > > > > is.

> > > > And they will go on as long as you need it for getting

> realization.

> > > Yes, I don´t know why but I find that amuzing, it makes me smile!

> > Wonderful!

> > And before it was a nightmare!

>

> Yes, isn´t that amazing?

> >

> > Love you,

> >

>

> Many hugs and love,

>

Love & looking forward to the next time of experiencing fright,