I just blubbered on the phone to a total stranger

December 23, 2003

Hello everyone -

I just got a call from a rehab guy, who is going to assess me in

January. My insurance company is cutting off my short-term disability

benefits because I'll have been off work for 6 months come Jan.20/04.

They are sending out this guy to ask me a bunch of questions to

figure out if I can do any work at all given my back condition. If

not, I'll be eligible for long-term disability.

The conversation started out OK although I was feeling very groggy

since I had just taken 2mg of Dilaudid and was lying down when he

called. We started talking - he started discussing things that I

might be able to do with my degree and my work experience - and then

I burst into tears. I couldn't stop crying for the rest of the

conversation.

I am so embarassed....I am trying to tell myself that it was good to

blubber on the phone to him instead of having a good day and sounding

bright and cheerful. But - it's just another blow to my dignity. I

used to be a pharmacist. I used to be calm and knowledgable and

efficient. Now I'm an invalid lying on the floor, feeling stoned and

weeping on the phone to a total stranger!

From what he was saying, it sounds like no one is really expecting me

to be able to go back to the drugstore full-time. I know I can't do

it now but I so hoped to be able to go back some day. Somehow the

months have slipped by and now so much time has passed and I am no

better, and it is inevitable that my boss will need to hire someone

else. So if I can go back to work, I will have to look for another

job. And I loved my job at that store!

The rehab guy is coming Jan.6 to our house to talk to me. I must

resist the temptation to knock myself out cleaning and tidying so

this stranger won't be disgusted at our messy house. I have to turn

around all my ideas and just be myself even if I am not who I want to

be right now. But it's so hard sometimes.

Diane

Vancouver, B.C.

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