Re: Not my day/

[Guest guest]

Oh is he trying to just dump you somewhere? Do you mean move out as

in a divorce?

My first husband was a spoiled brat and a Momma's boy and would have behaved

just like that.

My second one has needed a bit of fine tuning but is otherwise kind and

patient.

I am here if you need a friend.

Kaylene

He has been trying to get me to move out for weeks now, but my doctor says

no way due to my physical condition. To say I'm scared is an understatement

but I try to hang in there and I see a therapist once a week who helps me to

cope with it all.

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[Guest guest]

, do you at least have ssd if you had to go out on your own? Marge

[Guest guest]

Extraneous Text deleted by Moderator

Hi Jeff:

Thanks so much for your supportive message. I don't know if my spouse deserved

whatever he has received from me over the years - all I know is I did whatever

it took to be the kind of wife I thought was the best way to be.

My therapist is getting me in touch with an attorney as soon as possible so I'll

have a better idea of what my rights are. For years, my husband has been able

to " keep me in line " by threatening to divorce me and leaving me penniless in a

coldwater flat eating cat food. Most of this started when I had to curtail my

career due to the severity of my illness. Apparently, I was more valuable to

him when I was bringing in a hefty paycheck. Ever the idealist, I always wanted

to be loved and cared about just for myself - but I've been told that this is a

bit unrealistic in today's world.

Thanks for being so caring!

[Guest guest]

Extraneous Text deleted by Moderator

Hi Liz:

I loved your e-mail and I could just picture the shock that my husband would

feel if I ever made a call to the police! I will be seeing an attorney soon and

I'm glad you mentioned about being the plaintiff instead of the defendant. I

hadn't known about this and that's good info.

My therapist is the one who is finding an attorney for me because I'm so upset

that my ability to decide things is very bad right now. I'm very anxious to

find out just what my rights are.

Thanks for your support - I appreciate it so much!

[Guest guest]

,

Getting to the lawyer is a good first step. But now comes the hard part and that

is actually taking action to protect yourself and not to give in to the wanting

to make him change. He's not going to and the only one you should worry about is

yourself and making sure your needs are taken care of.

Remember we are all here for you, at anytime.

Good luck,

Jeff S. - NY/PA

[Guest guest]

>> Ever the idealist, I always wanted to be

loved and cared about just for myself - but I've been told that this

is a bit unrealistic in today's world. <<

Hello ,

No it's NOT unrealistic to want to be loved and cared about just for

yourself!!

Even though I have very low moments in which I feel like I am a

useless burden on my loved ones - I can't deny that they still love

me.

I no longer work and only bring in a small and sporadic disability

payment, and I can't do much in the way of housework, and I can't

drive so my husband has to do all the grocery shopping and my sister-

and brother-in-law have to drive me to all my doctors

appointments. I can't go out for coffee with friends or go out to

movies, and when I go out to friends' houses I lie on the floor all

nigh, and since nothing really happens to me anymore I often feel I

don't have anything interesting to say. And yet, despite all

this, people still care for me. The only reason I can think of is

that they actually really like me for who I am.

Perhaps you should look at all the relationships in your life, not

just your marriage. Look at your daughter - she really loves you for

who you are, doesn't she? And don't think " she only loves me because

I'm her mom " . Lots of moms and daughters are not close - but your

daughter has offered you shelter in her home. That sure sounds like

loving and caring for you.

Hang in there, and know that we are all thinking of you. Your dream

of us all living in the same town and coming over for spaghetti has

made my day. What a nice thought! I would bring the garlic bread!

Take care,

Diane

in Vancouver

[Guest guest]

Hi Marge:

Yes we do have a lot in common except that I was brought up in a home with two

extremely religious parents and several very religious siblings (one is now a

priest). However, those 2 religious parents (especially my mother) were

extremely abusive to me physically as well as emotionally yet felt they were

doing right in the eyes of God. They felt that I was the living embodiment of

the sin they had committed by having sex prior to marriage which resulted in my

being conceived. I've had many years of therapy to get rid of the intense guilt

I carried around which was actually the guilt of my parents that they had

projected on to me. I moved out of the family home at age 18 and worked days

and went to college nights until I married my first husband. Which ended up

duplicating what had happened in my life as a child - my husband, a really mean

drunk, but otherwise a pillar of the church, community leader and corporate

executive, punched me every time something went wrong - like if I met him at the

door without my lipstick on or if I got his steak broiled medium instead of

rare.

I started therapy in my twenties when I became severely agoraphobic and when I

looked up my problem in a psychology book I realized I had to get help. The

more mentally healthy I became, the worse the abuse got so I found a job, saved

up a little money, and then left. Overnight I went from being wealthy to being

relatively poor but I finally felt safe. Except for the times the husband

stalked me or called me in the middle of the night. I know now that I picked

him as a spouse because he had similar qualities to my mother and so I wanted to

be able to relive that old relationship with her so I could make it come out OK.

Unfortunately, if one is born to a mother who doesn't love or care for you, then

you just have to learn to live with that empty part inside of you for life.

Because no other person can fill that part - no matter who they are.

I'm now finding out in marital therapy that right from the start, my present

husband had married me because he wanted someone to take care of him. Along I

came, years younger than him, a great job that I'd gotten by going to night

school to get an MBA, lots of friends and I guess I looked like he could retire

from the military and I would see to it that we lived the high life. He had

some notion that anyone with my credentials would automatically become the next

Trump. On the contrary, I was happy being a mid-level type manager and

had no desire to kill myself working 80 hrs. a week just to get lots of money.

I had already seen that lots of money is meaningless in terms of happiness

during my first marriage so I was not going for that at all.

I wish I had know his true motives earlier on, but who knows, maybe I would have

made the same mistake and married him anyway. He will always be angry that I

had the gall to get very sick and that I am not able to work at all. I always

thought that maybe he felt that way but he would just say I was being silly if I

asked about it. But today he admitted that my feelings had been correct. I

feel like I'm living a really bad and not-at-all-funny Woody movie.

[Guest guest]

Content of previous message edited.

Dear ,

The parents part seems more like bad Burt Reynolds and Winters horror

movie . Sorry ha ha I' m so not funny. I should talk. My husband is the very

soul of compassion and responsibility as long as I throw a fit occasionaly and

act like his mom.Anyway my sister is having her third long term relationship

crisis and I think she just about ready to flip the no going back switch and

that will be the end if number three. This man is one of the most self involved

neediest people I have ever met. She started going out with him about 6 years

ago when I was still living in Alaska so I asked her what this man had ever done

when they first met to make her think he could meet any of her needs.Well I

guess the answer is nothing. He was having so many financial and health problems

and seemed so nice. All his friends talked about what a hard worker he was

before his divorce and injury. She just assumed because she is such a maternal

nurturing person that when he was on his feet he would be

more responsible because he was such a nice guy.The man had never done anything

or given her any reason to think that she was to get anything but the

privilege of having her life revolve around his needs. Wanting to help and care

for someone is a marvelous quality in a human being but to not notice that it

isn't a two way street, I don't understand. I mean Eventually your going to have

needs to. If you don't know for sure you can count on that person because they

have shown those quality's in the beginning of the relationship why bother.

Kathy Featherston wrote:

Hi Marge:

Yes we do have a lot in common except that I was brought up in a home with two

extremely religious parents and several very religious siblings (one is now a

priest).

[Guest guest]

Hi Wednesdaychild:

I'm sorry I haven't answered your message earlier, but I've been dealing with

lots of pain and a bit of an e-mail backlog. I understand so well how you feel

about anger. I am also not a young chick (age 62) plus I'm also very sick

(panhypopituitarism, fibromyalgia, osteoporosis, GERD, heart valve disease) so I

know the anxiety that you must feel as well.

It just makes me sad that so many women are put into the position that they are

forced to stay with the people that torment them because if they don't they

won't be cared for. I remember when I had to divorce my first husband (another

abuser), it seemed so much easier because I was lots younger, had a fantastic

job, great health insurance and so I didn't care if I ever was married again.

It felt so terrific to be self-sufficient and no longer afraid. I did get two

great kids from that marriage, but that was the only positive aspect of it.

I've faced the fact that I am really lousy at choosing a spouse so I definitely

won't be going down that road again. I am glad to have Medicare although it

doesn't begin to pay for my meds which amount to over $2,000 per month if I have

to pay out-of-pocket.