Re: relationship work! Debra

[Guest guest]

Dear Debra,

> One of the advantages for me of being a member of this list and

> reading about others' processes is that many (all?) things I have

> taken for objective reality, I have instead learned are perspectives

> or stories since they are not necessarily true for others. One of

> the most deeply held stories seems to be that we need to be in (a

> romantic) relationship to be happy (consider the early, on-going, and

> ever-present conditioning we get from fairy tales, myths, biology,

> advertising, psychologists). So, in addition to Jan's response to

> your comments, I also wanted to share my current situation, that for

> the first significant length of time in my adult life I am not in

> relationship and I have never been happier! I didn't plan this, it

> appears to have just happened (!), and I don't have plans for the

> future around this (that I am aware of), but I see it at present as a

> great blessing and feel grateful every day for the opportunity to be

> alone, to be in solitude and at peace. Eckhart Tolle writes that

> relationships are not about happiness, but about becoming conscious--

> which may explain why they are so often painful.

Do you believe this? That becoming conscious or being in relationship

is not about your happiness and explains why your have pain?

This may explain why you are not in relationship now and *have never

felt happier*..... can you see where you are believing a stressful

thought here?

I was under the impression that self realization was nothing serious,

and fun, in fact, because we become freer and lighter....not more in pain.

Otherwise, why would we do it?

Sorry to be in your business but I couldn't help noticing...

love,

nne

[Guest guest]

Hi nne,

Thanks for your comments. In answer to your questions, no, I don't

think I believe that relationships are painful, rather thoughts about

relationships can be painful. Again, in my original post I was

giving counterexamples to the belief Jan and Eva were discussing,

another story (Tolle's in this case) about relationship that differed

from the one that said to be happy a woman must be in a relationship

with a man, that life is lacking and imperfect if one is alone (i.e,

not romantically involved). It's interesting how some readers of my

post are assuming, inaccurately, that I claimed that not being in

relationship is the cause of my happiness. What feels good to me is

feeling neutral about being in or out of relationship, and not

compelled either way. Now in, now out ... loving what is rather than

yearning for what is not.

And I don't think you are in my business at all, but only in your own

(as Tom wrote about in a recent post)--which may be why you felt it

necessary to point out to me that I might be holding onto a stressful

thought about relationships, presumably preventing me from being in

one. While I appreciate your concern for me :-), might this not be

the old belief raising its head again that life is unfulfilling for a

woman if she is not constantly in an intimate relationship with a

man? How can we know that is everyone's path? Isn't this belief

starting to look very strange indeed?

As to the thought that being self-realized is painful, I don't

believe this. Rather, I would say that there seems to be a deep

underlying belief in me that becoming (rather than being) self-

realized requires suffering ( " Suffering is a great teacher " ). A good

thought to look into! On the other hand, it feels stressful to think

that I should not suffer, or should avoid suffering--the old double-

bind! I remember the first time I heard the revolutionary idea that

all suffering is in the story we tell about what happens, I got

really indignant. Maybe for you, but my suffering is real! But that

notion kept coming at me in different ways and from different

sources, eventually leading to this work. I'm still fighting that

thought, but maybe it's winning! :-)

Regards,

Debra

> Dear Debra,

>

> > One of the advantages for me of being a member of this list and

> > reading about others' processes is that many (all?) things I have

> > taken for objective reality, I have instead learned are

perspectives

> > or stories since they are not necessarily true for others. One

of

> > the most deeply held stories seems to be that we need to be in (a

> > romantic) relationship to be happy (consider the early, on-going,

and

> > ever-present conditioning we get from fairy tales, myths,

biology,

> > advertising, psychologists). So, in addition to Jan's response

to

> > your comments, I also wanted to share my current situation, that

for

> > the first significant length of time in my adult life I am not in

> > relationship and I have never been happier! I didn't plan this,

it

> > appears to have just happened (!), and I don't have plans for the

> > future around this (that I am aware of), but I see it at present

as a

> > great blessing and feel grateful every day for the opportunity to

be

> > alone, to be in solitude and at peace. Eckhart Tolle writes that

> > relationships are not about happiness, but about becoming

conscious--

> > which may explain why they are so often painful.

>

> Do you believe this? That becoming conscious or being in

relationship

> is not about your happiness and explains why your have pain?

>

> This may explain why you are not in relationship now and *have never

> felt happier*..... can you see where you are believing a stressful

> thought here?

>

> I was under the impression that self realization was nothing

serious,

> and fun, in fact, because we become freer and lighter....not more

in pain.

>

> Otherwise, why would we do it?

>

> Sorry to be in your business but I couldn't help noticing...

>

> love,

> nne

[Guest guest]

Hi Debra,

I love how my morning post showed up as arrows and dots...

I was just seeing an old thought in what you wrote and felt some

stress...the thought was *no one should suffer*...

Thank you for showing me my work...love, nne