Guest guest Posted May 23, 2004 Report Share Posted May 23, 2004 My daughters' boyfriend is not good enough for my daughter Is it true? YES! He is a lazy, good for nothing, pot smoking bum He is self-centered, dishonest, untrustworthy….he has drained her financially. He can't hold a job. He doesn't clean their apartment. He listens to terrible music and he idolizes degenerates. He is disgusting! Is it really true? It feels true. I don't like him much! I don't want her with him. She deserves so much better!!! How do you feel when you have this story that your daughters' boyfriend is not good enough for her? I feel angry. I want to pop him one. I want to kick him out of their apartment. I'd like to blast him out of existence. My neck is all tight. I'm on an emotional rampage. I feel frustrated and helpless. Can you think of a peaceful reason to dwell on this story? No…this is not peaceful. I'm angry and upset about a situation I can do nothing about. Its not my business. BUT the thoughts come up anyway! When you look at him you have a lot of stories. Are you really looking at him? You know what he is? No. I can see I have attached my story to him. But it feels like a true story. . Turn it around. My daughters boyfriend is good enough for her. I can't accept this. Not even in the context of the work. He is NOT good enough for her. She is sweet, hard-working, honest. He isn't. hard working or honest. . He is just nowhere near good enough for her. And yet – this is who she chooses. It is her choice. I know it is her choice, but it's driving me crazy! I can't accept him. Is that true? You can't accept him. No – I can accept him. I must accept him. No other choice. It is reality. Turn it around My daughter's boyfriend is good enough for her. True in her eyes anyway… My daughter's boyfriend isn't good enough for me… Yep. It isn't about her, it is about you. So is it true? My thoughts say this is true – that doesn't make it true Try saying it again. My daughter's boyfriend is good enough Nope, nope, nope, my head is screaming this isn't true. Can't be true! I don't know how to do the work on this. I'm really stymied. Ok, lets ignore him for a moment. How about your daughter - …you think you know what is best for her? Yeah, I do think that. Is it true? Is it really true? You know what your daughter needs in her life? No…of course not. Her life. Even if she makes a mistake, it is her choice I certainly made mistakes. I make mistakes now. Who am I to judge her? My daughters boyfriend is good enough for her. From her viewpoint, yes. Try to see her boyfriend through her eyes. What does she see in him? Well…he is very loving and affectionate. He doesn't ever hit her. He likes to cook and he is friendly and sociable with strangers. He has a great sense of humor. He tolerates her cats and lets her do what she wants with her life. He doesn't block her from spending time with her family and friends. He doesn't try to control her. When I look at him through her eyes, he has some good qualities. Lets try it again. My daughters' boyfriend is good enough for my daughter Maybe… I'm not feeling as stubborn about it now. Say it again… My daughters' boyfriend is good enough for my daughter Is it true? It is for now because that is reality. My daughters' boyfriend is good enough for me too – as long as he is good enough for her. Ook, ook…I suppose I could accept him that way. I feel " resistance " You still have a big bug up your butt about him. T, I love you, but your attitude about him isn't nice and it isn't fair. You need to love all people, not just the people that fit your mental criteria. I know >( Do the turn around on your judgments about him. He is a lazy, good for nothing, pot smoking bum. I am lazy – sometimes… I am good for nothing…sometimes I don't smoke, but I overeat I am a lazy, good for nothing, brownie chewing bum. Sometimes. Can it be you see in him some qualities you don't like in yourself? Yeah…that's true. He is self-centered, dishonest, untrustworthy…. I am self-centered, dishonest, untrustworthy… Sometimes…. He has drained her financially. I have drained her financially – no, that's not true... But…I have drained myself financially. I'm hardly a financial success. I can relate… She has drained herself financially. Truer That's true – by giving her money to him. Not to mention that bum Tony, and that bum Ben. lol...they are all bums then? YES lol... T....There is no point in blaming him for her choices. I know... how she handles money and boyfriends is not my business. Also, have you noticed…every guy she is with is a jerk in your eyes. That's true. The irony is the current boyfriend is certainly better than the former two. So what are you whining about? Nothing....Sigh... Lets finish the turnarounds…. He can't hold a job. I can't hold a job. Ouch! He listens to bad music. I listen to bad music. (well, he thinks so...) He idolizes degenerates. I idolize degenerates… umm...i don't think so. He doesn't clean their apartment. I don't clean my apartment. Not as often as I should… He is disgusting! I am disgusting… - sometimes. Especially when I am prejudiced against other people. You wear a mask – the mother-in-law, the mother… He wears a mask – her boyfriend… What if you looked at this guy, soul to soul, no masks. Just feel it for a moment. He is innocent. Just another soul like me. Just another soul on the path. All this emotional baggage seems to come attached to the role. What is the nitty gritty of it…? What is the real story. Mothers should protect their daughters. Wo….didn't see that coming. You have a lot of fear… What are your fears? That men will mistreat my daughter like they did me That she will love him more than me… oh hell That she won't get the good things she deserves out of life and it will be my fault. This is the real work T… Men will mistreat your daughter? Is it true? No way – she is far more assertive than me. She is a kick ass girl. She won't take abuse. No story here. She will love him more than you – is that true? I don't know who she loves. I know how she feels about me has nothing to do with him. There is no reason to compete. I can't believe this thought even came up. No story. She won't get the good things she deserves? Is it true? I feel really worried about this. I've always been really worried about this. All my worrying though, never gave her a thing. Now that she is grown, whose business is it, that she gets the good things she deserves? Hers! Her life – your fault? Not anymore. She is an adult now. She makes her own choices. Whew…I'm feeling much lighter. Say it again My daughters' boyfriend is not good enough for my daughter Now...now I'm able to really question the story knowing i have a hidden agenda behind the statement. I don't know what is true. He is, or he isn't. her business. As she sees it... My daughters' boyfriend is good enough for her. Yes he is. Anymore turnarounds? I'm not good enough for my daughters boyfriend. Ouch! Could be true. He senses my criticism even if I don't say it. No wonder he is wary of me. I'm not good enough for my daughter – well yeah, especially when I'm questioning her choices and getting in her business. My daughters boyfriend is none of my business. My daughters business is none of my business. I am willing for my daughters boyfriend to just be who he is. I look forward to him just being who he is. (Even if he is a lazy, good for nothing, pot smoking bum.) I am willing to stay out of my daughters business. I look forward to staying out of my daughters business. . Good T. You do that. Lets stay in our biz and leave other people alone. My husbands mother didn't think I was good enough for him and it caused me lots of anguish. So T, please, remember how you wanted to be treated and be that mother for him. I will...this is why I'm doing the work. Thank you for the work BK. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 24, 2004 Report Share Posted May 24, 2004 " Tabekat " wrote: > My daughters' boyfriend is not good enough for my daughter > > It feels true. I don't like him much! I don't want her with him. > She deserves so much better!!! We as women keep pointing fingers at " these " men. Oh, these men who are object oriented...etc. the list goes on. I like the quote from nne on - if we can heal women from having such low self concepts as to be attracted to such men then the world would be healed. The man simply shows up...a much more productive question to ask from my vantage point is - Why is your daughter attracted to someone who isn't loving, doesn't appear to be in touch with his love? Badda Bing - because he is the perfect reflection of her self - esteem - her inability to be in touch with her love - . Blessings - Jan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 25, 2004 Report Share Posted May 25, 2004 Dear Tabekat, thank you for your honest and very brave work. I love how you get down to things. Am 24.05.2004 um 04:34 schrieb Tabekat: > My daughters' boyfriend is not good enough for my daughter > Is it true? > YES! He is a lazy, good for nothing, pot smoking bum > He is self-centered, dishonest, untrustworthy….he has > drained her financially. He can't hold a job. He doesn't > clean their apartment. He listens to terrible music and he > idolizes degenerates. He is disgusting! > > Is it really true? > It feels true. I don't like him much! I don't want her with him. > She deserves so much better!!! Sweetheart, is it *really* true? If she loves him, fully, and her biggest joy was to see him happy, would you want to take that from her, no matter how it looks to you? And does that sound loving to you? She should not love him. Is that how it feels? And is it really true? > How do you feel when you have this story that your daughters' > boyfriend is not good enough for her? > > I feel angry. I want to pop him one. I want to kick him out of > their apartment. I'd like to blast him out of existence. My neck is > all tight. I'm on an emotional rampage. I feel frustrated and > helpless. Yes, that's what your story feels like. Sounds like *war* to me. And how do you treat him? How do you treat your daughter? > Can you think of a peaceful reason to dwell on this story? > > No…this is not peaceful. I'm angry and upset about a situation I > can do nothing about. Its not my business. BUT the thoughts come up > anyway! Yes, thoughts just come up, and either we take them as ours, although we didn't make them in the first place, or we inquire. And without the " but " : No, not even *one* peaceful reason to keep the story. > When you look at him you have a lot of stories. Are you really > looking at him? You know what he is? > No. I can see I have attached my story to him. But it feels like a > true story. Well, they must feel true, as long as you don't inquire them. And who would you be without them? > Turn it around. > My daughters boyfriend is good enough for her. Yes, he is, at least in the moment. It's her path. > I can't accept this. Not even in the context of the work. Oh, well. And here it comes: they are together. There is another turnaround. Can you find it? > He is NOT good enough for her. > She is sweet, hard-working, honest. > He isn't. hard working or honest. Not now, at least. That's how it appears. Has there ever been a moment where you have not been hard working? And have you ever been not honest? > He is just nowhere near good enough for her. > And yet – this is who she chooses. It is her choice. And I *love* that you would see that. > I know it is her choice, but it's driving me crazy! Only your thoughts, sweetheart. Her choice is driving you crazy. Is that *really* true? > I can't accept him. Oh, well. And here he is! > Is that true? You can't accept him. > No – I can accept him. I must accept him. No other choice. True, in some way. > It is reality. Turn it around > > My daughter's boyfriend is good enough for her. > True in her eyes anyway… > > My daughter's boyfriend isn't good enough for me… > Yep. It isn't about her, it is about you. So is it true? > > My thoughts say this is true – that doesn't make it true > > Try saying it again. > My daughter's boyfriend is good enough > > Nope, nope, nope, my head is screaming this isn't true. > Can't be true! > > I don't know how to do the work on this. > I'm really stymied. > > Ok, lets ignore him for a moment. And take one thought at a time. If you want some peace, that is. > How about your daughter - …you think you know what is best for her? > > Yeah, I do think that. > > Is it true? Is it really true? > You know what your daughter needs in her life? > > No…of course not. Her life. Even if she makes a mistake, it is her > choice > I certainly made mistakes. I make mistakes now. Who am I to judge > her? Yes. You think how to run her life? You don't even know how to be peaceful in the presence of her friend! > My daughters boyfriend is good enough for her. > > From her viewpoint, yes. > > Try to see her boyfriend through her eyes. What does she see in him? > > Well…he is very loving and affectionate. He doesn't ever hit her. > He likes to cook and he is friendly and sociable with strangers. He > has a great sense of humor. He tolerates her cats and lets her do > what she wants with her life. He doesn't block her from spending > time with her family and friends. He doesn't try to control her. > > When I look at him through her eyes, he has some good qualities. And I really *love* how you would do that. Thank you! > Lets try it again. > > My daughters' boyfriend is good enough for my daughter > > Maybe… I'm not feeling as stubborn about it now. > Say it again… > > My daughters' boyfriend is good enough for my daughter > > Is it true? > > It is for now because that is reality. > > My daughters' boyfriend is good enough for me too – as long as he is > good enough for her. That feels much more loving to me. Also towards your daughter. And isn't that more how you would feel in his presence without your stories? > Ook, ook…I suppose I could accept him that way. I feel " resistance " > > You still have a big bug up your butt about him. > T, I love you, but your attitude about him isn't nice and it isn't > fair. > You need to love all people, not just the people that fit your > mental criteria. Well, those peole who show us the thoughts we don't want to hear? We do war against them. Because we don't know what else to do. Now that we met inquiry, we know another way. > I know >( > > Do the turn around on your judgments about him. > > He is a lazy, good for nothing, pot smoking bum. > > I am lazy – sometimes… > I am good for nothing…sometimes > I don't smoke, but I overeat > I am a lazy, good for nothing, brownie chewing bum. > Sometimes. Yes! Sometimes you are just like him! > Can it be you see in him some qualities you don't like in yourself? > Yeah…that's true. > > He is self-centered, dishonest, untrustworthy…. > > I am self-centered, dishonest, untrustworthy… > Sometimes…. > > He has drained her financially. > I have drained her financially – no, that's not true... > But…I have drained myself financially. I'm hardly a financial > success. I can relate… > > She has drained herself financially. Truer > That's true – by giving her money to him. Not to mention that bum > Tony, and that bum Ben. > > lol...they are all bums then? > YES > > lol... > > T....There is no point in blaming him for her choices. > > I know... > how she handles money and boyfriends is not my business. > > Also, have you noticed…every guy she is with is a jerk in your eyes. > That's true. > > The irony is the current boyfriend is certainly better than the > former two. > > So what are you whining about? > > Nothing....Sigh... > Lets finish the turnarounds…. > > He can't hold a job. > I can't hold a job. Ouch! > > He listens to bad music. > I listen to bad music. > (well, he thinks so... ) And can you really know that? > He idolizes degenerates. > I idolize degenerates… > umm...i don't think so. So they are degenerate. Is that really true? Whom do you idolize? Your daughter? > He doesn't clean their apartment. > I don't clean my apartment. Not as often as I should… > > He is disgusting! > I am disgusting… - sometimes. > Especially when I am prejudiced against other people. So good. > You wear a mask – the mother-in-law, the mother… > He wears a mask – her boyfriend… > What if you looked at this guy, soul to soul, no masks. > Just feel it for a moment. > > He is innocent. Just another soul like me. > Just another soul on the path. > > All this emotional baggage seems to come attached to the role. > What is the nitty gritty of it…? What is the real story. > > Mothers should protect their daughters. > > Wo….didn't see that coming. > You have a lot of fear… > What are your fears? > > That men will mistreat my daughter like they did me > That she will love him more than me… oh hell > That she won't get the good things she deserves out of life and it > will be my fault. > > This is the real work T… > > Men will mistreat your daughter? Is it true? > > No way – she is far more assertive than me. She is a kick ass > girl. She won't take abuse. > No story here. And turn that around: " Men will mistreat your daughter " > She will love him more than you – is that true? > > I don't know who she loves. I know how she feels about me has > nothing to do with him. There is no reason to compete. I can't > believe this thought even came up. So the answer is " no " ? > No story. Then turn that around. Might be true as much as the original thought. > She won't get the good things she deserves? > Is it true? > > I feel really worried about this. I've always been really worried > about this. All my worrying though, never gave her a thing. Well, you could give her what you think she deserves. > Now that she is grown, whose business is it, that she gets the good > things she deserves? > > Hers! > > Her life – your fault? > > Not anymore. She is an adult now. She makes her own choices. And it's never been. She always made her choices. Everyone does. Nothing we can do about it. > Whew…I'm feeling much lighter. > > Say it again > My daughters' boyfriend is not good enough for my daughter > > Now...now I'm able to really question the story knowing i have a > hidden agenda behind the statement. > > I don't know what is true. He is, or he isn't. her business. > As she sees it... > > My daughters' boyfriend is good enough for her. > > Yes he is. > > Anymore turnarounds? > > I'm not good enough for my daughters boyfriend. > Ouch! Could be true. He senses my criticism even if I don't say > it. No wonder he is wary of me. > > I'm not good enough for my daughter – well yeah, especially when I'm > questioning her choices and getting in her business. > > My daughters boyfriend is none of my business. > My daughters business is none of my business. > > I am willing for my daughters boyfriend to just be who he is. > I look forward to him just being who he is. > (Even if he is a lazy, good for nothing, pot smoking bum.) > > I am willing to stay out of my daughters business. > I look forward to staying out of my daughters business. . > > Good T. You do that. Lets stay in our biz and leave other people > alone. > > My husbands mother didn't think I was good enough for him and it > caused me lots of anguish. So T, please, remember how you wanted to > be treated and be that mother for him. > > I will...this is why I'm doing the work. Thank you for the work > BK. Oh, I love this! Thank you so much, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 25, 2004 Report Share Posted May 25, 2004 - Why is your daughter attracted to > someone who isn't loving, doesn't appear to be in touch with his love? > Badda Bing - because he is the perfect reflection of her self - > esteem - her inability to be in touch with her love - . Blessings - Jan I am also expieriencing my inability to be in touch with the love for myself from time to time. I wonder why the people I am attracted to don´t reflect this? They are all very loving, caring and understanding to me. If I don´t have high self-esteem and I am not in touch with my love I won´t be attracted to loving persons. Is it true? No, that is not my reality. But if I belive it I would feel a lot of stress. Today I have certainly not been in touch with my love for myself. I suffered so much that I wanted to kill myself. Yet all people around me have been amazing. They tried to comfort me, help me in any way possible and showed me much more love then I was able to show myself or them. I wonder sometimes what I have done to deserve all these wonderful people in my life, and I count you in this group in - I guess others have that 20/20 vision when they look at me and that they see my love even when I don´t. I feel very grateful and humble for all the love I have seen around me today. Love, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 25, 2004 Report Share Posted May 25, 2004 " " wrote: > - Why is your daughter attracted to > > someone who isn't loving, doesn't appear to be in touch with his > love? > > Badda Bing - because he is the perfect reflection of her self - > > esteem - her inability to be in touch with her love - . > Blessings - Jan > > I suffered so much that I wanted to kill myself. Yet all > people around me have been amazing. They tried to comfort me, help > me in any way possible and showed me much more love then I was able > to show myself or them. > > Love, > Killing the body is a great illusion that the mind's endless stories will be over. It's also a great way to call for love and do a test to see how much those in your life " love " you. Your definition of love isn't mine, and I'm simply going to leave it there. Blessings - Jan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 25, 2004 Report Share Posted May 25, 2004 Dear Jan, Jan wrote: > Killing the body is a great illusion that the mind's endless stories > will be over. It's also a great way to call for love and do a test to > see how much those in your life " love " you. Your definition of love > isn't mine, and I'm simply going to leave it there. > > Blessings - Jan For one who believes all stories are unhappy, the story of " killing the body to be a great illusion " sounds like a story to me, but then again maybe you are unhappy with it? Is it a great way to call for love? Never thought of it that way actually, is this wisdom you are offering Jan? Or is it advice that I should consider? I am completely honest when I say, feel, react to my thoughts, be it sadness, I am sad, gladness, I am glad. Whatever the thought may be, my emotions is right there hugging the thought or sometimes punching it. But the pain I experience from me fighting to the near-death with my thougths is not a way for me to have people love me. My defenitions of love isn't yours? Well thank you Jan, that I, actually and honestly, can agree with. But then again to me, it is really stating the obvious. Never would I think that my definition of love is yours... of course not, for my definition is MY definition and I haven't even mentioned my definition of it yet, I simply stated earlier that I recieved a lot of love from a lot of different people, even when I rejected it, still I recieved it. What a beautiful thing for a person to experience, at least for me, and yes Jan, this is a S T O R Y But it is my story, and here it is. Your definition is yours, and my is mine, hence the words " yours " and " mine " . Not " ours " . But thanks for stating the obvious, it's not original but it sure is a safe way to comment. So Jan, perhaps you are unhappy sometimes, perhaps you are not, still I chose not to believe my perception of your statements that you think ALL stories are unhappy. If that was true, then there would probably not be any happiness, just maybe a person staring and computing information without feeling (reflecting, percieving) anything at all. Reflections, perceptions, comprehensions, feelings, are basically very similar, all are bound by our mind and without story, no sadness yes... but no fun either. Love, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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