marlene should forgive me

[Guest guest]

is it true?

nope, just what i think, and apparently really enjoy attachment to.

can you be absolutely certain it's true? no, b/c she hasn't so she

shouldn't.

how do you react...?...

i become unforgiving, mercilessly judging of marlene, then myself.

from there it spreads like a fungus. soon i want to smoke. i want to

pack my back pack and go back to the slope, back to the dopehouse and

back to the alley. want to distract: eat, busy. my jaw is

clenched...all the time it seems. i become defensive, small, petty,

crass, bitter. the things i became that she is unforgiving of, and

things that when i am that way, i will medicate and it will be

dangerous/deadly. i react the way i reacted when i involved myself

w/marlene, and things went south. also, though i'm not yet in her

presence, picturing it tells me that i have a physical reaction in my

stomach, like fear. then terror. which i have generally expressed as

anger and rage. so i'd be insane.

who would you be...?...

my true self? i would be free, to allow her to be where she's at,

feel and honor my pain and let all things go. i would be here now,

instead of there then or somewhere some other time. i would have

experienced honest remorse and moved on, recognizing that guilt is

useless and in the way of my usefulness. since i haven't reacted to

her recent email, other than to cry for a short period, i'd be much

like i am right now. i'm in pain and i'm t.c.b.=taking care of

business, no overeating this far, meditated for a bit, helped around

the house. haven't shut others out.

TURNAROUND

marlene shouldn't forgive me...because she hasn't and may not. i've

been well/taken/care/of to this point, am i being spared? lol

i should forgive me...oh yes, i should. there's no way to guarantee i

won't return to the slope, unless i begin treating sikgrl better,

NOW.

i should forgive marlene. yes i should.

thanks everyone. namaste...