My greatest teacher

[Guest guest]

When I went in to my " big depression " and got bipolar (according to

my psychiatrist) almost 2 years ago, I had the story that my

daughter would be better off living with someone else than me for a

while, and she shared the same story. So I arranged for her to live

with foster parents. She has been living with them for 1½ years, and

about a week ago she moved home. During the time we didn´t live

together we still saw eachother often, but we almost never had any

fights. Our relationship went pretty smooth.

Well...now we are living together again, and I have a bossy,

righteous, I-know-better-you-shut-up 15-year old young woman in my

former so silent and calm home! This is pretty interesting really! I

see that my thoughts about this brings up stress, especially in my

body, and at the same time there is some kind of peace in the whole

situation. I am not angry at the fact that these things happen, on

the contrary. I love it! It is like I am watching myself from the

outside and just registrate how I think and react. And then I think:

how intersting! That´s fscinating!

Of course the stress in itself isn´t pleasent. But I see this as

really exciting, I have my greatest teacher living with me, in my

own home! And it´s a teacher I feel safe with and love. It couldn´t

be better, God is certainly kind to me!

So time for some work! Delicious!

1. Who angers, confuses, or disappoints you, and why? What is it

about her that you don't like?

I don´t like Emelie´s bossy attitude.

Is it true? Yes. I don´t like it, and yes that is my experience, she

has a bossy attitude.

So Emelie shouldn´t have a bossy attitude. Is that true? No. That´s

what is, sometimes.

How do you react when you believe this thought? I get angry at her.

I feel the stress flow around in my whole body. I want to gag her. I

wish she could calm down and be a little more soft. And instead of

doing that myself I answer in the same way, harch and angry.

Does this thought bring peace or stress into your life? Very, very

much stress.

Whose business are you in when you think that thought? In her, no

doubt about it.

What do you get for holding onto that belief? That I can change her.

Can you find a peaceful reason to keep that thought? Not one single

one.

Who would you be without this thought? Peaceful. Letting her having

any attitude she wants and don´t take it personally. It wouldn´t

effect me, I could still answer her calm and kind, no matter what

attitude she has.

TA: Emelie should have a bossy attitude. Completely true when she

does.

I shouldn´t have a bossy attitude. Yeah, tell me about it... I can

have an awful bossy attitude sometimes. Especially when I think that

my daughter should change her attitude. How bossy isn´t that? Let´s

see if I can stop with my bossy attitude. I am willing to go first!

2. How do you want her to change? What do you want her to do?

I want Emelie to stop complaining about everything.

Is it true? No. She is not complaining about everything. She

complains some. And I want her to stop that. Is it true? No, what I

really want is to be at peace with what ever she does.

How do you react when you believe this thought? I get really angry.

I see her as ungrateful. Spoiled. A brat. It really annoyes me. And

I feel I have to do something so she feels better when she is

unhappy with her wall paper or the size of her new room or whatever.

And then I get angry at her because I blame her for me feeling like

this. I feel guilty.

Who would you be without this thought? Happy and peaceful and calm.

And a lot more understanding. More loving. The distance between us

would disappear and I would feel very close to her.

TA: I don´t want Emelie to stop complaining about everything. Yes,

truer. I don´t want to change her. I know it´s possible to be happy

anyway.

I want me to stop complaining about Emelie. Yes. I really want that.

I do a lot of complaining about her both in my head and infront of

Hans. It doesn´t feel good at all.

3. What is it that she should or shouldn't do, be, think or feel?

What advice could you offer?

Emelie shouldn´t tell me what to say and do to Hans.

Is it true? No, because she does, and pretty often too.

How do you react when you believe this thought? I feel angry and

irritated. Provoked. I get defensive. I feel guilty, start to

question myself. Maybe I am not treating Hans good? I feel exhausted

of all the defending. I don´t get a headache, but I feel it in my

head, like a pressure. Like a ballon with too much air in it.

Who would you be without this thought? I would be totally peaceful

and relaxed and calm. I would let her say what ever she wants and it

wouldn´t bother me at all. I would realize it has nothing with me to

do. Maybe I would just smile and say: thank you for letting me now.

Or maybe I would be genuinly interested in listening to what she has

to say, without taking it personally. Maybe she has something to

teach me, who knows? Maybe I wouldn´t see it as critisism at all,

but kind advice?

TA: Emelie should tell me what to say and do to Hans. That is truer.

It is reality. Just a sweet little bird singing her song...

I shouldn´t tell Emelie what to say and do. Truer. I do that the

moment I have the thought that she shouldn´t tell me what to say and

do. I am the dictator. I do exactly the same thing I want her to

stop doing. And I can´t. And neither can she. We both just have to

sing our songs until we don´t have to anymore. This turnaround is

for me to live.

4. Do you need anything from her? What does she need to do in order

for you to be happy?

I need Emelie to stop arguing with me about every little thing.

Is it true? No. She isn´t arguing with me about every little thing.

She argues some. And I don´t really want her to change, I just want

to be happy and peaceful no matter how Emelie or anyone else is

behaving.

How do you react when you believe this thought? Angry, angry, angry.

Frustrated. It feels like I am in constant war. It´s extremly

tiresom and stressful. When she starts to argue with me about

something I argue back and the argue have developed into a regular

fight. I raise my voice, I sound angry and impatient, I become

impossible to resonate with. All I want is to be right and have it

my way. Yes, all the things I accuse her of. It COULD be that she

wasn´t arguing from the beginning, but that she just said something

and that it was ME who started arguing. Interesting.

Who would you be without this thought? Much happier. More relaxed

and calm in my relation to my daughter. I would see that she is just

singing her innocent song and I would love the melody and the

lyrics. I would be much more loving and soft.

TA: I don´t need Emelie to stop arguing with me about every little

thing. Truer. I don´t need this to be happy. This is just a story I

have been attached to.

I need me to stop arguing with Emelie about every little thing. Oh,

yes. Very true. I see how I am doing that, very clearly. Three ways

I am doing that: When she gives me her opinion on how she thinks I

should treat Hans, I start an argument about it. When she tells me

her opinion about the new flat, and I don´t like that opinion, I

start to argue with her. Almost every time I feel critisized by

Emelie I get defensive and throw myself into an argumentation. This

was really nice to see. It is a whole new perspective. Emelie is

just telling me her opinions, and when I don´t like them I give her

a fight. I had no idea! Wow.

5. What do you think of her? Make a list.

Emelie is smart, tallented, beautiful, independent, funny, bossy, a

know-it-all-bitch, stubburn, hot-tempered, righteous, sensitive,

vulnerable.

TA: I am smart, tallented, beautiful, independent and funny. Yeah. I

can really find that. It feels nice:).I am bossy. Oh yes, especially

with my closest family, Emelie, Hans and my sister. I want to be in

charge! I am a know-it-all-bitch. I can find it. I hate to be wrong,

especially when I know I´m right;). I`m stubburn, hot-tempered and

righteous. Yes, yes and yes. That´s me. I am sensitive and

vulnerable. Yes. Sometimes I am just that little girl who wants to

crawl up in my coach and hide under a blanket until all the scary

things are gone.

6. What is it that you don't want to experience with that her again?

This is strange. I can´t find one thing I don´t want to expierence

with her ever again... I am willing and looking forward to

experience whatever may be between Emelie and me. Yummy!!!

All comments are most welcome!

Than you for listening,