Re: My sister

[Guest guest]

while reading your post.. i was thinking robert , your sisters

boyfriend, sounds like a jerk and intimidating.. then it went to wife

beating cop.. and so it was a story.. I suppose your sister wants to

make a good impression on him.. and too bad she doesnt want to be

honest.. sounds stressful.. ,--

I wish her well but i wish she had someone she could be herself with..

I know im blaming robert and thats my story --not true.

love, roslyn

- In Loving-what-is , " " <skogsnuvan@y...> wrote:

>

> Lately I have felt that me and my sister are slowly drifting apart

> from eachother. I can´t say exactly when it started, but I think it

> was when she became serious with a man she has met. He is a

> policemen and according to her, very strict, well-behaved and

> proper - the opposite to me and my sister. But now when she has met

> him, my experience is that she is trying to be more like him and

> that means that she doesn´t think our old jokes and crazy humor is

> funny anymore. This makes me feel like there is something wrong with

> me and that we are drifting apart. I am afraid of losing her. I feel

> like she looks down on me, that she is superior.

>

> Me and Hans are having a party tomorrow and Hanna (sister) and her

> boyfriend are invited. Now she has given me strict rules how

> to behave on the party, or to be more correct, what to talk about

> and not. " Don´t mention this and that and oh, remember do absolutely

> not say anything about that! " These are things she doesn´t want

> to know about her. I feel controlled, like I am walking on a

> mine field. What if I forget something or if I mention something SHE

> forget to tell me not to mention? I just don´t want to have this

> responsibility!

>

> Another thing that is really stressful for me is that she can

> experience ANYTHING I say as critisism. All of a sudden in a

> conversation she either get all quiet and strange or she say

> something mean. And when I ask her about what is happening, it is

> always something I said that she thought was scornful or suprior

> or " bitchy " or an attack on her in someway. Sigh...And I can´t find

> it in myself and everytime I tell her that and that I still can

> understand her and that I am sorry - and I am so fed up with

> apologizing so I could puke!

>

> Ok, time for work!

>

>

> 1. Who angers, confuses, or disappoints you, and why? What is it

> about them that her don't like?

> I am angry at Hanna because she takes things as critisism when they

> are not.

> Is it true? Yes, I am angry and yes, this is how I perceive the

> situation.

> So Hanna shouldn´t take things as critisism when they are not. Is it

> true? No, it´s not. This is the way reality seems to be right now.

>

> How do you react when you believe this lie? I get so angry! It feels

> like my blood is starting to boil! I feel so much stress that I

> can´t sit still. My heart is racing, my breath becomes short and

> strained. I attack her in my mind. I think thoughts like: " You are

> over reacting, why can´t you just stop, you childish (and some

> Swedish assults I can´t translate)! " So even if I wasn´t critical at

> all to begin with, I certainly become. And the apologizes feels so

> wrong, I don´t want to apologize at all! I want to scream and shout!

> What happens is that I withdrawn myself from her emotionally. She

> becomes an alien, a stranger. When I sit there with her on her

> balcony and all this is happening, I feel how I am drifting far, far

> away from myself. It is very, very painful.

>

> Who would you be without this thought? Who would you be sitting on

> her balcony and you are unable to think this thought? Peaceful. In

> my own business. I would let it be quiet. I would let it

> be " strange " . I would let it be " mean " . I would be willing to sit in

> this and just feel it without wishing it felt any different. I would

> realize that quiet, strange and mean are just as perfect as loud,

> normal and kind. I could just sit there and enjoy whatever may be.

> No stress, no worries. Just calm peace.

>

> TA: Hanna should take things as critisism when they are not. True.

> This is her business. When she does, it is what is.

> I shouldn´t take things as critisism when they are not. Oh, yes. I

> can find it. I do that. Three examples: When Hanna is open and

> honest and tell me that she feel critisized, I take it as critisism.

> When my daughter give me her honest opinion on this apartment for

> instance, I take it as critisism. When Hans was honest with me and

> told me that he sometimes think that I am too blunt with people, I

> took it as critisism.

> I couldn´t stop myself and it was painful. And it is the same for my

> dear sister. She is in pain. What can I do for her? What can I do

> for us? I can tell her about all this. " Make amends " as some call

> it.

>

> 2. How do you want her to change? What do you want her to do?

> I want Hanna to be as she used be.

> Is it true? No. I don´t want to change her, I just want to be happy

> no matter how Hanna appear to be. And I want to be happy for her

> when she is happy, and she seems happy now.

>

> How do you react when you belive this thought? I feel fear. I am

> afraid that she is leaving me. I´m afraid of losing her. I feel this

> big distance between us and I feel threatened by it. So I attack her

> in my mind, make her wrong. And I discuss her with Hans, like there

> was something wrong with her that needs to be fixed. And since he

> seems to share my story, I feel even more righteous. What I feel

> most of all is a great big fear of losing her, and it´s making me

> mean. I´s all very painful and tressful.

>

> Who would you be without this thought? I would love and appreciate

> the Hanna I have infront of me. I would be happy for her. I would be

> totally peaceful and totally in my own business. Most important of

> all, I would be ABLE to see the Hanna infront of me without all my

> painful stories about her. I would realize that I can never lose

> Hanna as long as I have her close to my heart. And that is all my

> job, to keep her there, that has nothing with her to do. I am the

> one throwing her out, and I am the one letting her in.

>

> TA: I don´t want Hanna to be as she used be. This is true. If I

> really had the power to stop her evolution, would I want to do that,

> just so I could feel a little happier? NO! No. I don´t want to stop

> her. She has her path to walk, just as I has mine. I really don´t

> know what is best for her. It´s a business between her and God:).

>

> I don´t want me to be as I used be. Really true! I don´t want to go

> back to be that angry, confused, scared-to-death, deeply depressed,

> defensive controlfreek I used to be. And I see that no one was

> trying to stop me when I had no choise but to change. Not even my

> sister. She was one of the most patient people around me. Always

> there, always ready to love me, forgive me and support me. This

> brings tears in my soul. I would really love to do the same loving

> thing for her, letting her walk her path and just love her all the

> way.

>

> 3. What is it that she should or shouldn't do, be, think or feel?

> What advice could you offer?

> Hanna shouldn´t tell me what to say and not to say on my party.

> Is it true? No, because that was exactly what she did. She said " I

> don´t want you to mention this and this and this infront of

> on the party on Saturday. "

>

> How do you feel when you believe this thought? I feel angry, furios,

> controlled, unfree, like I have a strait jacket and a gag on me. I

> just want to rip it up and scream: I say whatever I want and you

> can´t stop me!!!! I hate her for putting me in this situation! I am

> seeing us at the party, having the time of our life and suddenly

> when I am not on my guard, I might say something that Hanna will not

> like, and she will see it as that it was me who put her in

> this " embarrising " situatuon, and I´m gonna hear for it later.

> This whole thing makes me feel like I am somekind of freek that you

> can´t have among other people because you never know what this crazy

> woman will do or say. I hate it! It is pain, pain, pain and

> STRESS!!!

>

> Who would you be without this thought? Ok, we are standing in my

> kitchen, she tells me these things and I am unable to think that she

> shouldn´t. Who am I in that moment? A calm listener for one. What

> happened in this situation was that I was so full of stress that I

> couldn´t listen to what she said. I don´t even remember what it was

> I wasn´t supoose to say! Without this thought I listen to her

> peacefully, and then I listen to myself pracefully. Do I hear a Yes

> or a NO inside of me? And then I tell her calmly my answers. What I

> will do now is to call her and ask her to please repeat what she

> didn´t want me to say and then I will give her my honest answer.

> And without this thought I feel the greatest understanding for her.

> I have been in the same situatuon, I know how it feels. " Please

> don´t make a fool out of me! I still need a lot of LAA! " I would see

> the love in what she did. She was just trying to protect herself and

> at that point that was the most loving thing she could do for

> herself.

>

> TA: Hanna should tell me what to say and not to say on my party.

> Completely true. That´s what she did, and that is her business.

> I shouldn´t tell Hanna what to say and not to say me. Abslotely

> true. I do that the minute I have the thought that she shouldn´t

> tell me what to say and not on my party! I am doing exactly what I

> am judging her for. I expected her to be able to stop it (and she

> didn´t even know I wanted her to stop!), and I couldn´t stop myself.

> So this is my job - but only all of it!

>

> 4. Do you need anything from her? What does she need to do in order

> for you to be happy?

> I need Hanna to laugh at our old jokes as she used to do.

> Is it true? No, it isn´t true.

>

> How do you react when you believe this thought? I feel rejected. I

> feel I am not good enough for her anymore. I feel like she is

> leaving what use to be " our special thing " and moving on without me.

> I feel left behind. I feel left. I feel pain and sorrow and fear. I

> feel ashamed over myself. This is just how it was in school when

> some friends come back after the summer holiday and had transformed

> into young women, and I had not, and suddenly we had nothing in

> common and they found other frinds to be with who was more mature,

> more like them. Same pain. Same feeling of being wrong and less

> worthy.

>

> Who would you be without this thought? I would find others who

> laughes at my jokes, in fact, I have plenty already. So I would

> focus on having fun with them, instead of focus on the one person

> who doesn´t think I am funny. I would be at peace with that Hanna

> don´t found our old jokes funny right now. I would stay in my

> business. I would enjoy Hanna the way she IS, instead of trying to

> change her.

>

> TA: I don´t need Hanna to laugh at our old jokes as she used to do.

> This feels much truer now. We can have fun in other ways and I can

> have fun with other people who laughs at that same jokes as me, Tami

> for instance.

> I need me to laugh at our old jokes as I used to do. Yes, I see that

> this is were the real pain is. I am stoping myself from having fun

> when I believe this thought and that is very painful. Three ways I

> can do that: I can laugh even if she isn´t laughing. It´s my job to

> have fun, not hers. I can think about all the crazy stuff we have

> done together and laugh for myself. I can introduce someone else to

> our old jokes and laugh with that person instead.

>

> 5. What do you think of her? Make a list.

> Hanna is beautiful, very loving, understanding, full of energy,

> smart, incredible kind and helpful, stubborn, very sensitive,

> insecure, afraid of what others will think of her, needs a lot of

> LAA, defensive, hot-tempered.

>

> TA: I am beautiful, very loving, understanding, full of energy,

> smart, incredible kind and helpful. Yes, I can find it all. I am

> stubborn, very sensitive and insecure. Yes, I can find it all. I am

> all of that. I am afraid of what others will think of me and I need

> a lot of LAA. Yes, I can find it, especially in the past. And I am

> all of that especially when it comes to my sister. I am defensive

> and hot-tempered. Yes, sometimes. Especially when my sister says

> that she feels critisized by me.

>

> 6. What is it that you don't want to experience with her again?

> I don't ever want to experience that my sister feels critisized by

> me again.

> TA: I look forward to experience that my sister feels critisized by

> me again. Yes, it will be exciting to see what happens the next time!

>

> Thank you for listening! Any comments are most welcome!

>

> Love,

>