Re: Newbie......infidelity

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

> Hi,

>     My name is , and I have been working with 's program

> for about a month now. I had ordered her work about relationships,

> but it didn't help me with what I am grappling with right now. What

> does say about infidelity in a marriage? Is there anyone in

> this group who has had to struggle to get over that and stay in the

> marriage?

Oh, yes. That is a good one!

> .....I'd be happy just to keep my head above water, since

> hubby still has some " questions " to ask this woman, in his attempts

> to " figure out who " he is. I'm feeling very stuck in the middle right

> now, because he wants total freedom to do whatever he wants as long

> as he doesn't compromise his marriage vows, but he has some idea that

> the answers to what is wrong with him lie in his interactions with

> other women...he is wanting his " space " , but insists he wants to stay

> in our marriage. He finally asked me about 's CD's that I was

> listening to, and I gave them to him thinking that it might help our

> marriage, but instead of doing Any self-realization with them, he

> started telling me that he didn't think I had listened to her

> carefully, or I would know that it is His business whether or not he

> keeps in contact with the other woman, etc, and that he wasn't going

> to do the worksheet on me, because he didn't see any use to....and

> that was after listening to the first two of Loving What Is. Is there

> anyone here who can give me some guidance with this?

> I'm upset that

> he's using 's work against me, instead of working on himself.

Well, he is using 's work against you, is that really true? Go

inside and wait from an answer. If you go shallow, the answer will be

shallow. But if you go deep… I don't know if the belief you undo really

matters, anyway. They just seem to be all the same. No core belief. But

someones seem to be easier to go deep with. Easier to be asked with

intention. And if you got the answer, try to turn the above sentence

around, and see if you can feel it.

Now, I can tell you a little " story " of myself:

More that a year ago (one day before christmas) my wife (we had been

married for ten years and two beautiful kids, then) told me that she

felt she was falling in love. Well, I told her to find out. I did not

even want to consider the possibility that she was experiencing love

with this men, who I had met on few occasions. They met several times

after and around eastern that year she confessed me that she had kissed

him, and that she wanted the possibility to have sex with him, within

our marriage. So we " decided " that sex with other people within our

marriage would be ok.

She met him several times after that during last summer, and I didn't

even want to ask her anything about it - though I believed she would

tell me if I did - so she would find " her way " . On some occasions I

felt like she had ripped my heart out, and I kept crying for hours.

In the meantime we loosened our relationship more and more - we got

different bedrooms, had two " free nights " each - but kept living

together. Then we got to the point that she told me that she could not

bear it anymore. That she loved him, and that she loved me, but that it

was horrible for her to spend a beautiful evening with him, and then

coming home and see me.

The only way I saw to give her more " space " was to take my ring off and

give it to her. So she conserved them.

I remember doing a lot of works at that time. For hours and hours over

and over.

Eventually, I realized that everything, but really everything that she

did and that hurt me, was projected.

I thought she did not trust our relationship enough? I didn't. That I

wasn't enough for her? I had been going to whores several times, since

long before she fell in love, and I had a one-nighter as well. It is

hard for me to recall what exactly were my thoughts, but I still have

most of the works. I can send them, if you think they could help.

Now I am thankful for everything that has happened. And my love for her

became stronger than ever before. I even like myself better, now! ;-)

Actually they meet tonight in Germany, while I am here in Sardegna,

Italy. And I can't even make myself jealous or hurt about it. She said

they wanted to be friends and that they had made a commitement about

not having sex together, with no one in that psychodrama group (I was

told they were not even the only ones with that particular

relationship). If they had sex, would I mind? I don't know. All I can

see is two people loving each other. It is such a beautiful picture. If

she wanted to leave me, would I be hurt? I don't know. All I know that

I can feel peace and be without stressful thoughts concerning her.

I am pretty stressful on my kids, though. When they talk and talk and

keep talking when I want them to sleep, for instance. But that is

another story! ;-)

>

Take care,

[Guest guest]

-

> Hi,

>     My name is , and I have been working with 's program <BR>

> for about a month now. I had ordered her work about relationships, <BR>

> but it didn't help me with what I am grappling with right now. What <BR>

> Is there anyone in this group who has had to struggle to get over that and

> stay in the marriage?

-- in case you find this useful, these thoughts looked like they could

bear questioning:

" I have to struggle to get over this and stay in the marriage, " or more simply,

" I have to stay in the marriage. "

" He should obey the spirit of our vows, not just the letter. "

" He shouldn't use 's work against me. "

I can imagine how frustrating it is to hear him tell you it's his business

whether he keeps in contact with other women, but coincidentally he's right.

Even if he curbed his behavior for you, whatever's going on inside him right now

would still go on until it was finished, if it ever will be, and that is simply

what is. You can either resist it and try to change someone else (arguably

impossible) or find a way to accept what is and act based on reality rather than

what you want reality to be.

He's not going to help you. You have to find the way yourself. As would

say, it's his job to be " looking for answers " and wanting contact with other

women, and it's his job to insist that he still wants to be in the marriage. At

the time you sent this message it looks like your job was to feel stuck, to see

him as the source of your pain, and to want him to change so the hurting would

stop. I can definitely empathize.

I remember my mom saying something about holding a hot frying pan -- of course I

can say that the pan is the source of my pain, and it would seem to be in my

best interests to cool the pan down to prevent injury. But I could also just

let it go, and then the state of the pan wouldn't matter so much anymore. Why

would I hold on anyway? Because I'm imagining the incredible mess it's going to

make if I let go, and the future I had planned that won't be possible when the

contents are splattered all over the floor. Well, maybe I won't get to eat that

particular meal, but my hand is important too.

You could interpret that as a recommendation to let go of (leave) your husband

or your marriage, but it's not. What's hurting is less likely the events and

more likely your resistance to them. The Work is one method of accepting what

is, rather than resisting it. If you can find your way to that state of

acceptance (easy for me to say), I suspect the appropriate action or inaction

will be much more clear.

I wish I could take the pain away. I hope you find your way to where you need

to be with this situation.

[Guest guest]

dear,

Most of my life I have been addicted to the pain, trauma and

stimulation of unavailable men. I have created such stress through

this (thanks to my childhood set-up) that my health has been in

serious jeopardy more than once.

About 14 years ago I experienced a bout of anaphalactic

shock...nearly died....the nurse at the ER kept asking " what did you

take " (thinking I was on drugs)... and " nothing " was my honest

answer. I did explain that the night before I had broken up with my

boyfriend, or more correctly, he with me. I thought I was doing

well....it was the only thing out of the ordinary I could think of.

When it was all said and done(after passing out and puking my guts

out later)....the doctor determined that the anaphalactic shock

was 'emotionally provoked'... all in my head, but manifest in my

body. My, my, my.

The interesting thing here is that I had a dear friend show up in

the ER that night... a vetrenarian who explained to me

what " anaphalactic shock " was...that the blood pressure drops when

the veins open...and sometimes it goes beyond the point of possible

recovery to death. This friend knew about my dependency and the

relationship. He bluntly asked me (while I was still recovering on

the cardiac table) " Is he worth dying for? " . It shook me to the

core....I cried...I felt sure that he (the boyfriend) would not even

want to know what was going on with me....it was my darkest and yet

most revealing moment, the 'rock bottom' that alcoholics talk about.

My answer was...thankfully...'no'.

I recovered...painfully without inquiry, having been forced to the

edge of life and death by my fantasies and neediness.....and a body

that believed what I thought; that I couldn't live without this

chosen boyfriend.

So now...I am in another relationship (of four years) with

an 'unavailable' man...it's not as dramatic as before, but still has

taken a very serious tole on my health....my body still believing my

irrational thoughts. I actually have come close more than once with

strange symptoms....and all that despite many, many years of insight

therapy, journaling and a lot of sympathetic talking with friends.

The main difference now, as of only 5 months ago, is that I have

inquiry. I am not the victim I thought I was...well, only in my

irrational thinking....I catch myself now...or not. I do the

work 'for breakfast'. I listen daily to some Bk tape while I

commute. I keep track of the posts on this site and I respond (I am

heard, responded to, sometimes chewed up and spit out, in love) I do

the work once a week with a yahoo friend by phone. I write

worksheets. I keep coming back for more.

In the past it has been so comfortable to blame my husband. It is

so familiar. It is so tempting to try to change HIM by pleading,

exhorting, coaxing, explaining, demanding, arguing, pleasing, and a

dozen other things.....anything but doing my own work.

Gradually I am looking at my own part in my suffering, and I am

discovering:

How I am unavailable....

How I am emotionally withholding...

How I distance...

How I create barriers...

How I am not loyal...

etc.

It is a path over hot coals....but the hot coals of reality are so

much kinder than what I did to myself previously. And after checking

out many paths, this one...four questions and the turn-around..

seems to be the only real one ... back to myself...to wholeness and

sanity.

Blessings on your way....simply...

Dancin'

> Hi,

> My name is , and I have been working with 's program

> for about a month now. I had ordered her work about relationships,

> but it didn't help me with what I am grappling with right now.

What

> does say about infidelity in a marriage? Is there anyone in

> this group who has had to struggle to get over that and stay in

the

> marriage?.....I'd be happy just to keep my head above water, since

> hubby still has some " questions " to ask this woman, in his

attempts

> to " figure out who " he is. I'm feeling very stuck in the middle

right

> now, because he wants total freedom to do whatever he wants as

long

> as he doesn't compromise his marriage vows, but he has some idea

that

> the answers to what is wrong with him lie in his interactions with

> other women...he is wanting his " space " , but insists he wants to

stay

> in our marriage. He finally asked me about 's CD's that I was

> listening to, and I gave them to him thinking that it might help

our

> marriage, but instead of doing Any self-realization with them, he

> started telling me that he didn't think I had listened to her

> carefully, or I would know that it is His business whether or not

he

> keeps in contact with the other woman, etc, and that he wasn't

going

> to do the worksheet on me, because he didn't see any use to....and

> that was after listening to the first two of Loving What Is. Is

there

> anyone here who can give me some guidance with this? I'm upset

that

> he's using 's work against me, instead of working on himself.

>

[Guest guest]

renee wrote:

> Hi,

> What

> does say about infidelity in a marriage? Is there anyone in

> this group who has had to struggle to get over that and stay in the

> marriage?

>

Hi -

Infidelity in a marriage - no - never heard of it!

Big humor over here - over it! Perhaps small humor to you - in it!

Best thing that ever said to me (and a group of 200) on this

issue - no two people have ever been in love. it's impossible -

there's only the One. when you discover that (One) which is in you

and begin a relationship with That, every moment, person, thing, or

event that comes into your life simply serves to take you deeper into

THAT and no pet, no person, no thing, no event can compare with That

beauty that lies within you.

As I used inquiry and did many sheets of anger at " that man " -

eventually I realized that although I never got to " I've been

spared... " (because the turnaround - He's been spared - seemed cruel

towards me - although perhaps true!) I did get to move my center of

happiness to somewhere inside me as opposed to *out there*. But I

still find myself grabbed by stuff *out there* - its a journey -

Blessings - Jan