how does my 10 year old son decide where he wants to live after we divorce?

[Guest guest]

who has experience judging when and how a child can decide with which

parent he wants to live mainly? my judgement: i provide a better more

sane home than his father and his father's new girlfriend who has 3

sons, therefore it is my responsibilty to insist my son lives with me.

is this true? i don't know. at what age can a child decide?how does

this thought make me feel? unsure that my son is well taken care of at

their place, sometimes overwhelmed by the responsibilty, afraid of

making mistakes, resentful at having to be the perfect mother in a

competition to win his love. yuk. who would i be without this thought?

a more relaxed mother, yet that doesn't solve the problem of who is

supposed to make this decision, my child or me.

can anyone shed some light on this?

thank you!

bet

[Guest guest]

Hi Bet,

Having been there and done that with my daughter when she was eight all I

can say is " Take responsibility "

What 10 year old knows what's best for them in the long run.

Take your self out of the equation and look at the reality.

Ask yourself this question:

" If a friend asked you for advice what you tell them? "

I know that this is tough but at the end of the day it is down to you and

the father to work this out for the best for your child.

Steve

HYPERLINK " http://www.peopleinfocus.net " www.peopleinfocus.net

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[Guest guest]

Hello Bet,

Thanks for sharing your story. The thoughts that come up for me are to encourage

you to act from your integrity - whatever the circumstances. If it were me ( I

have raised my daughter as a single mom for 13 yrs) I would do inquiry on my

stressful stories about what was happening NOW (rather than what could/should

happen in the future) in order to be as clear as possible when making decisions

about 'my' child and then I'd watch and see what happens. I would want to

engage my daughter in conversation, let her know I valued her feelings and

thoughts, let her know I wanted the absolute best for her although I hardly know

what that would be - and that I trust life to give her everthing she will ever

need. (assuming that is how I really felt about it) I notice that I no longer

know what is best for my childs path, and that I continue to make choices each

day that I trust will lead to ensuring her well-being...at the end of the day I

see I was the best parent I could be and that my

child's path is her own.

I wish you peace as you work through this - I would also invite you to post any

worksheets that you may want to do and to receive support and feedback from your

friends here.

Love to you,

catherine

bettybereal wrote:

who has experience judging when and how a child can decide with which

parent he wants to live mainly? my judgement: i provide a better more

sane home than his father and his father's new girlfriend who has 3

sons, therefore it is my responsibilty to insist my son lives with me.

is this true? i don't know. at what age can a child decide?how does

this thought make me feel? unsure that my son is well taken care of at

their place, sometimes overwhelmed by the responsibilty, afraid of

making mistakes, resentful at having to be the perfect mother in a

competition to win his love. yuk. who would i be without this thought?

a more relaxed mother, yet that doesn't solve the problem of who is

supposed to make this decision, my child or me.

can anyone shed some light on this?

thank you!

bet

[Guest guest]

Bet,

I can read you are feeling very stressed with this now. A decision

this size is better not to be taken unilaterally. Your son, your ex

and you would all have a voice on this, and trust you would get to an

agreement that you'll be at peace with. You have The Work to ensure

this.

The experience you are going to provide your son is not better or

worse than the experience the dad, girlfriend and 3 kids would

provide him. The experiences would just be different and whatever

decision is made, it will be the best for your son's path, and yours;

that is how life works, what happens is what should happen (yes my

story, but it is a story that gives me a lot of peace, so I keep it,

and even sometimes try to sell it).

I suggest you do a worksheet on " We can make the wrong decision " .

Additionally, it caught my attention that you feel you have to

compete for your son love, so maybe do some work on " my son is not

capable of loving more than one parent " , or something around those

lines.

Other option to explore is, " If my son prefers to live with dad, that

means that .... I am a boring mom? I have failed as mom?, I wasn't

able to sell myself? " Look for whatever stressful thoughts that come

with this and apply inquiry to each of them.

By the way, when reading your post I felt like living with the ex and

the fun family with lots of kids to play with, instead of with the

stressed out mom, who is too needy. I know all judgments, but I felt

like sharing.

This is a complex moment in your life, and as result thousands of

thoughts will come to you, accept each one of them with love, and

inquire about those that cause you stress. The less stressful you

are the better you will be able to see the path to follow.

Love,

Isabel

> who has experience judging when and how a child can decide with

which

> parent he wants to live mainly? my judgement: i provide a better

more

> sane home than his father and his father's new girlfriend who has 3

> sons, therefore it is my responsibilty to insist my son lives with

me.

> is this true? i don't know. at what age can a child decide?how does

> this thought make me feel? unsure that my son is well taken care of

at

> their place, sometimes overwhelmed by the responsibilty, afraid of

> making mistakes, resentful at having to be the perfect mother in a

> competition to win his love. yuk. who would i be without this

thought?

> a more relaxed mother, yet that doesn't solve the problem of who is

> supposed to make this decision, my child or me.

> can anyone shed some light on this?

> thank you!

> bet