RE: Trying The Work

March 12, 2004

I discovered ’s “The Work” only this week. I tried it in my own

journal, and found it quite helpful although severe emotional pain blocked a

fuller appreciation of it. Today, I received an email from my family which,

hit me in a very painful way again. I decided to work through it in “The

Work” way, and thought I’d risk submitting it to this e-group just to check

out if I am working it out rightly. Some emails I read were really

enlightening to me personally. I felt that for this to really work, one must

have the courage, too, to be “publicly judged” on it.

Here goes then:

My family shouldn’t judge without listening, shouldn’t think of their world

as the only world, shouldn’t consider themselves always right and the rest

of us wrong or inferior. They should get out of their worlds, their narrow,

convoluted worlds to recognize that a much bigger world exists outside

theirs. They should realize that there is so much that they do not know,

that their judgments are of a narrow-mind, that their world is so small.

They shouldn’t shoot people down and consider themselves superior, better,

and above all the others. They should know that many times, they have been

wrong, and that their plethora of unnamed moral codes are keeping them such

joyless people. They should sometimes choose being happy over being right.

Is this absolutely true?

No, they can be all that they want to be. They choose their own mode of

thinking, doing, being. I feel shot down and suffocated when they do all

these, I feel constricted and suffocated, but it cannot, does not stop them

from being all they choose to be.

Is it absolutely true that they choose all these?

No. It is possible that this is the only way they know how to do things,

think things, are. It is possible that they do not know there are other

ways of doing, thinking, being. If they consider themselves right all the

time, it is probable that they see no need to get out of these patterns. It

is also possible that because they are so unhappy in these set patterns of

being, doing, and thinking, their unhappiness is intensified when those they

judge as wrong are happy, free, and joyful.

What happens when I think these thoughts?

I feel a tightness in my chest, a helplessness, a powerlessness, a sense of

despair. I feel angry, hurt, hateful. I return to the time as a child when

I was shouted at and not allowed to speak my piece – or speak at all. I

return to that old feeling of having truth trapped within my soul and having

their so-called “opinions” triumph and prevail, like a rock pushing down my

voice so that it stays unheard or if heard, discounted and shot down. But

this trapped voice continues to speak inside of me and have a life of its

own that eventually gets transformed into resentment, anger, and paralysis.

What would happen if I did not have these thoughts?

I be empowered to honor my own truth and voice even if it is the very truth

and voice they judge as wrong and inferior. I would be stronger to give

form to what I think, feel, am, and want to say. I would be free to be me,

even if they do not accept or approve of me, even when they ridicule,

dismiss, trivialize, or mock me. I would feel lighter, freer, better. I

wouldn’t have to fight silently within me anymore.

TA: I shouldn’t allow anyone to judge me without their having listened to me

or without my having shared my thoughts in a fair place where each party

matters and is honored. I should honor my own world as different from their

world but no less right or even bearing truth. Their world is small, and

mine is not infinite itself, but in between these two worlds is more than

our hearts, minds, and spirits can contain. I should listen to them beyond

their words, yet not allow their words to shoot down my truths. Neither of

us is inferior or superior. I can choose to be joyful – and choose the

places to express myself so that my joy will not be taken away from me. I

need, too, to listen to myself. To be kind to myself, and to come to a

place of respect and honor for myself so that I am not cowed by my family’s

judgments.

Thank you,

maryanne

March 12, 2004

Hi, Anne! Welcome to the group.

On Fri, Mar 12, 2004 at 04:02:19PM +0800, Anne P. Ledesma wrote:

> I discovered ’s " The Work " only this week. I tried it in my own

> journal, and found it quite helpful although severe emotional pain

> blocked a fuller appreciation of it. Today, I received an email from

> my family which, hit me in a very painful way again. I decided to

> work through it in " The Work " way, and thought I’d risk submitting

> it to this e-group just to check out if I am working it out rightly.

What I've heard say, on tape and in person, is, " You can't do it

wrong. " She does offer guidelines, like starting out doing the work on

another person (which you have done), and trusting the process of the

four questions (which you have done), but she also invites us to use

the process in whatever way we find works best for us.

When I attended a weekend Intensive in Asheville, NC, recently, one of

the focuses was on simplifying our statements so we were working with

short, easily remembered phrases, like, " My family shouldn't judge

me, " or " My family should listen to me. "

> Some emails I read were really enlightening to me personally. I felt

> that for this to really work, one must have the courage, too, to be

> " publicly judged " on it.

That's an interesting thought. For me, it seems like the important

thing that makes it work is a willingness to get really honest with

myself. I've found that sometimes sharing my work with another person

or with this group can help facilitate that because I get called on it

when I try to slide by with less than the full truth.

> Here goes then:

>

> My family shouldn’t judge without listening, shouldn’t think of

> their world as the only world, shouldn’t consider themselves always

> right and the rest of us wrong or inferior. They should get out of

> their worlds, their narrow, convoluted worlds to recognize that a

> much bigger world exists outside theirs. They should realize that

> there is so much that they do not know, that their judgments are of

> a narrow-mind, that their world is so small. They shouldn’t shoot

> people down and consider themselves superior, better, and above all

> the others. They should know that many times, they have been wrong,

> and that their plethora of unnamed moral codes are keeping them such

> joyless people. They should sometimes choose being happy over being

> right.

>

> Is this absolutely true?

>

> No, they can be all that they want to be. They choose their own mode of

> thinking, doing, being. I feel shot down and suffocated when they do all

> these, I feel constricted and suffocated, but it cannot, does not stop them

> from being all they choose to be.

>

> Is it absolutely true that they choose all these?

>

> No. It is possible that this is the only way they know how to do things,

> think things, are. It is possible that they do not know there are other

> ways of doing, thinking, being. If they consider themselves right all the

> time, it is probable that they see no need to get out of these patterns. It

> is also possible that because they are so unhappy in these set patterns of

> being, doing, and thinking, their unhappiness is intensified when those they

> judge as wrong are happy, free, and joyful.

>

> What happens when I think these thoughts?

>

> I feel a tightness in my chest, a helplessness, a powerlessness, a

> sense of despair. I feel angry, hurt, hateful. I return to the time

> as a child when I was shouted at and not allowed to speak my piece

> – or speak at all. I return to that old feeling of having truth

> trapped within my soul and having their so-called “opinions”

> triumph and prevail, like a rock pushing down my voice so that it

> stays unheard or if heard, discounted and shot down. But this

> trapped voice continues to speak inside of me and have a life of its

> own that eventually gets transformed into resentment, anger, and

> paralysis.

>

> What would happen if I did not have these thoughts?

>

> I be empowered to honor my own truth and voice even if it is the

> very truth and voice they judge as wrong and inferior. I would be

> stronger to give form to what I think, feel, am, and want to say. I

> would be free to be me, even if they do not accept or approve of me,

> even when they ridicule, dismiss, trivialize, or mock me. I would

> feel lighter, freer, better. I wouldn’t have to fight silently

> within me anymore.

>

> TA: I shouldn’t allow anyone to judge me without their having

> listened to me or without my having shared my thoughts in a fair

> place where each party matters and is honored. I should honor my own

> world as different from their world but no less right or even

> bearing truth. Their world is small, and mine is not infinite

> itself, but in between these two worlds is more than our hearts,

> minds, and spirits can contain. I should listen to them beyond their

> words, yet not allow their words to shoot down my truths. Neither of

> us is inferior or superior. I can choose to be joyful – and

> choose the places to express myself so that my joy will not be taken

> away from me. I need, too, to listen to myself. To be kind to

> myself, and to come to a place of respect and honor for myself so

> that I am not cowed by my family’s judgments.

>

> Thank you,

Thank you, Anne. This is my work, too. I have a similar family.

Some turn-arounds that come up for me as I think about myself and my

family:

- I should not shoot myself down. (they can't shoot me down without

my cooperation. All they do is load the gun. *I'm* the one who aims

and pulls the trigger.)

- I should not judge myself without listening to me. (perhaps I can't

control whether someone else judges me without listening, but can I

at least give myself the respect I want?)

- I should not judge my family without listening to them. (can I give

my family the kind of respect I want? Can I live what I want them

to do?)

- I should not shoot my family down.

- I should not take away my own joy. (how do I use my family's words

to take away my own joy? Can I allow myself to stay in joy, no

matter what they say? No matter what thoughts float through my

head? Just because a thought floats through doesn't mean I have to

believe it.)

Thank you again, Anne.

Tom

March 12, 2004

---anne,

Thanks for inviting us into your Work.

Here's a few turnarounds you may want to consider: (1) I should not

judge my family. (2)I shouldn't consider myself always right and my

family always wrong and inferior. (3) I realize there is much I do

not know. (4)I am a joyless person when I... (5) I would rather be

right than at peace.

Blessings,

In Loving-what-is , " Anne P. Ledesma "

<anneled@a...> wrote:

> I discovered 's " The Work " only this week. I tried it in my

own

> journal, and found it quite helpful although severe emotional pain

blocked a

> fuller appreciation of it. Today, I received an email from my

family which,

> hit me in a very painful way again. I decided to work through it

in " The

> Work " way, and thought I'd risk submitting it to this e-group just

to check

> out if I am working it out rightly. Some emails I read were really

> enlightening to me personally. I felt that for this to really work,

one must

> have the courage, too, to be " publicly judged " on it.

>

> Here goes then:

>

> My family shouldn't judge without listening, shouldn't think of

their world

> as the only world, shouldn't consider themselves always right and

the rest

> of us wrong or inferior. They should get out of their worlds, their

narrow,

> convoluted worlds to recognize that a much bigger world exists

outside

> theirs. They should realize that there is so much that they do not

know,

> that their judgments are of a narrow-mind, that their world is so

small.

> They shouldn't shoot people down and consider themselves superior,

better,

> and above all the others. They should know that many times, they

have been

> wrong, and that their plethora of unnamed moral codes are keeping

them such

> joyless people. They should sometimes choose being happy over

being right.

>

> Is this absolutely true?

>

> No, they can be all that they want to be. They choose their own

mode of

> thinking, doing, being. I feel shot down and suffocated when they

do all

> these, I feel constricted and suffocated, but it cannot, does not

stop them

> from being all they choose to be.

>

> Is it absolutely true that they choose all these?

>

> No. It is possible that this is the only way they know how to do

things,

> think things, are. It is possible that they do not know there are

other

> ways of doing, thinking, being. If they consider themselves right

all the

> time, it is probable that they see no need to get out of these

patterns. It

> is also possible that because they are so unhappy in these set

patterns of

> being, doing, and thinking, their unhappiness is intensified when

those they

> judge as wrong are happy, free, and joyful.

>

> What happens when I think these thoughts?

>

> I feel a tightness in my chest, a helplessness, a powerlessness, a

sense of

> despair. I feel angry, hurt, hateful. I return to the time as a

child when

> I was shouted at and not allowed to speak my piece – or speak at

all. I

> return to that old feeling of having truth trapped within my soul

and having

> their so-called " opinions " triumph and prevail, like a rock pushing

down my

> voice so that it stays unheard or if heard, discounted and shot

down. But

> this trapped voice continues to speak inside of me and have a life

of its

> own that eventually gets transformed into resentment, anger, and

paralysis.

>

> What would happen if I did not have these thoughts?

>

> I be empowered to honor my own truth and voice even if it is the

very truth

> and voice they judge as wrong and inferior. I would be stronger to

give

> form to what I think, feel, am, and want to say. I would be free

to be me,

> even if they do not accept or approve of me, even when they

ridicule,

> dismiss, trivialize, or mock me. I would feel lighter, freer,

better. I

> wouldn't have to fight silently within me anymore.

>

> TA: I shouldn't allow anyone to judge me without their having

listened to me

> or without my having shared my thoughts in a fair place where each

party

> matters and is honored. I should honor my own world as different

from their

> world but no less right or even bearing truth. Their world is

small, and

> mine is not infinite itself, but in between these two worlds is

more than

> our hearts, minds, and spirits can contain. I should listen to

them beyond

> their words, yet not allow their words to shoot down my truths.

Neither of

> us is inferior or superior. I can choose to be joyful – and choose

the

> places to express myself so that my joy will not be taken away from

me. I

> need, too, to listen to myself. To be kind to myself, and to come

to a

> place of respect and honor for myself so that I am not cowed by my

family's

> judgments.

>

> Thank you,

> maryanne

>

March 12, 2004

Thank you, Tom. Yes, brevity is not among my strengths especially when it

comes to writing. But I do try because simplicity is really more powerful

than the complex.

I like your words, “You can’t do it wrong.” I guess that was one of my

difficulties. I was trying to work through my thoughts and counter-thoughts

were working along with and against them. The mantra “You can’t do it wrong”

is in itself a turn-around! I also liked the message underlying the

“turn-arounds” you presented for consideration. I seemed to hear beneath

them the words, “Be kind to yourself. You deserve to be joyful. And yes,

be kind to your family as well.” Like cool rain on parched soil.

Your suggested “turn-arounds” for me had a gentle, soothing effect. I

received two sets of “turn-arounds” for the email I sent yesterday, both

profoundly helpful. This allows me this insight: “turn-arounds” can both be

painfully truthful (and in accepting their truth, one is set free from the

pain) and quietly healing (like ointment on a throbbing wound.) A gentle

“turn-around” alone might serve to comfort but not incise the root of the

wound. A painful turn-around alone might be too violent at times for a

still unprepared heart. Or – maybe I do not know. (How freeing to say, “I

do not know.” That is another turn-around.)

Thanks again, Tom. I feel welcomed indeed.

maryanne

Re: Trying " The Work "