doing the work with anxiety attacks...

[Guest guest]

dear all,

i have been riding out episodes of anxiety of varying strength for about two

months, and in between mindfulness, meditation, yoga,deep breathing and

anything else i can find that helps, i've thought about trying to do the work

with

it, but i'm not sure how to, because i'm not often able to catch the thoughts

that trigger each attack, if they're there.

victoria's work on psychosis was quite helpful…

I am tired of the anxiety attacks. I want them to end. I’m afraid of feeling

anxious. I feel like I’ve done enough work already.

The panic attacks are making me miserable.

Is this true? Hell yes.

Can I absolutely know it’s true? No, I can’t even know what’s triggering

some of the panic attacks. I’m sure my resisting the feelings and sensations

is

at least part of what’s making me miserable, though I can’t always see that.

How do I feel when I believe that the attacks are making me miserable? I feel

trapped, out of control of my own experience of life. I’m anxious (ha!) and

depressed. I feel resentful and sorry for myself. I want to stomp my feet and

scream my frustration out, goddamn it!

Who would I be if I couldn’t think that thought? Hmmm. This is pretty damn

hard to imagine. Maybe someone who woke up wondering what sort of internal

weather she might get that day? Someone curious to see how mercurial and

fleeting

her emotional states are?

TA: my fear of panic attacks is making me miserable.

     :my thinking is miserable, I’m just fine.

     : I’m making my fear miserable by pushing it away.

Hmmm,

I’m going to take a stab at what I think is under them…

Parenting is too hard. I want out. They’re killing me. one or the other is on

me from the moment I wake up until the moment I sleep. I have no other life.

And I can’t quit. I’m trapped. I don’t want to turn them over to someone

else

to raise. Most of the rest of the world makes a mess of child rearing.

Okay, I’m overwhelmed, yet I don’t want to stop parenting them.

I’m trapped and overwhelmed.

Is it true? Sure feels like it.

Absolutely know it’s true? Nah, much of the time I’m just fine. I can feel

really good about what I’m doing. And I do get breaks. And I truly could walk

away. People do.

How do I feel when I believe the story that I’m trapped and overwhelmed?

Panicked, depressed, crappy. I shut down emotionally, I try to escape on line,

or

into the newspaper. I lay around and let harry nurse on me because it’s easier

than getting up and playing with them. My gut churns, there’s a fluttering,

zinging feeling in my heart center, I consider killing myself, but what’s the

point of that, I’ll just get right back on this damn wheel of samsara. I

can’t

feel how precious my children are to me. I can’t remember how incredibly

lucky I am to be home with them. I forget to go outside and garden. I forget to

take care of my body. I don’t take them out to museums or the zoo.

Who would I be if I couldn’t think the thought, “I’m trapped and

overwhelmed?â€

I’d be happy, I’d wake up excited to have a whole day with the kids to

explore the world. I’d be silly and playful.  I’d be how I am when I’m

feeling

good.

TA:

My thinking is trapped and overwhelms me.

Well, I’m not feeling like I’m really getting at the core of this.

Any suggestions would be much appreciated (and I hope you don’t mind that I

show up so rarely and am asking for feedback without having offered any to

others)

Thanks in advance,

susan