Appreciation -- Tom

[Guest guest]

Good morning Tom,

> Much of my Work recently seems to be around my attachments to the

> opinions of others. Sometimes it's very clear that I don't need

> anything from anyone. And then you say something like this and

there's

> such a deep sense of validation and satisfaction. It feels

wonderful,

> and I wonder if it indicates a deeper stronger attachment to others'

> opinions than I realized. Or is something else going on? I don't

know.

Whatever else is going on, it's probably a story

When you know what it is, I'd be interested to hear it.

> <purr...> Thank you again, Eva. <sigh> ( " Is it okay to take in all

> this rich, creamy LAA? Is it fattening?

Only to your ego

> Am I going to get in trouble?

You might get addicted!

> Is this what means when she says, 'All pleasure is pain'? I'm

> finding receiving Eva's appreciation intensely pleasurable and I'm

> afraid of what it might mean. " That's what the sigh meant.)

You're saying that you're afraid of what it might mean.

What *could* it mean?

> > So which story comes after the thought that I might choose

wrongly?

> > What's the fear really about, I ask myself?

>

> Did you get an answer?

>

> I asked myself, too, prompted by you. What came up for me was,

> " If I choose badly, they'll think I'm stupid. " It went to what

others

> think of me. Seems to be a theme for me right now. Hmmm...

>

Yes, for me that seems to be the biggest fear also.

If I choose wrongly, people will think me silly, stupid, crazy,

uncivilized, thoughtless, unsympathetic, etc.

Seems to be what I'm projecting on 'people'.

And then what would happen?

I'll end up in the gutter, all alone.

And then what would happen?

I'd be in pain and hungry and thirsty.

And then what would happen?

I'd starve.

And then what would happen?

I'd die.

And then what would happen?

I'd cease to exist.

Really?

Hm.

Well, .... I don't know!

> > Are we an

> > interlocking whole of projections onto each other?

>

> Could be. Do you know the idea of the Net of Indra? It describes

> Reality as an infinite network of jewels extending infinitely in all

> directions. Each jewel consists solely of the reflections of all the

> other jewels.

Can't remember I heard of that idea before. It sounds interesting.

Just some thoughts happening between the story of Tom and the story

of Eva....

Eva

[Guest guest]

> Good morning Tom,

Good morning, Eva.

> ...

> > and I wonder if it indicates a deeper stronger attachment to others'

> > opinions than I realized. Or is something else going on? I don't

> know.

>

> Whatever else is going on, it's probably a story

> When you know what it is, I'd be interested to hear it.

Yes, it's a story. When I believed that all the good stuff was outside

of me and I went looking for it, my sense of need created so much

static that even when I got LAA from the outside, I didn't receive it

clearly.

Now I'm shifting to an internal source of love and my sense of needing

it from out there is less. When it comes in, there's less static so

it's received more clearly and feels more intensely wonderful. That's

stimulating the ego and provoking thoughts like, " Maybe that outside

LAA wasn't so bad after all. Perhaps we should stick with that, hmmm? "

Also, the internal puritan is still there, trying to warn me that too

much pleasure, too much enjoyment will lead to suffering. That I'll

have to " pay the piper. "

So my story is that there are several things going on for me to

explore.

> > <purr...> Thank you again, Eva. <sigh> ( " Is it okay to take in all

> > this rich, creamy LAA? Is it fattening?

>

> Only to your ego

Of course. Thank you for helping me see that.

> > Am I going to get in trouble?

>

> You might get addicted!

No " might " about it. I've been addicted for years. Another good find

for me.

> > Is this what means when she says, 'All pleasure is pain'? I'm

> > finding receiving Eva's appreciation intensely pleasurable and I'm

> > afraid of what it might mean. " That's what the sigh meant.)

>

> You're saying that you're afraid of what it might mean.

> What *could* it mean?

The internal puritan says it might mean: That I'm weak. That anyone

who comes along and tells me nice things will be able to manipulate

me. That I'm promiscuous. That I'm a bad person. That I'll do anything

to get more.

Heart central says it might mean: That my lens is cleaner. That I'm

less needy. That I'm loving myself more easily, more completely. That

I'm appreciating myself more. That the way to get more is to continue

turning more and more toward the inside source of love and

appreciation for myself, to get clearer and clearer that I don't need

anything from Eva or anyone else.

> > > So which story comes after the thought that I might choose

> wrongly?

> > > What's the fear really about, I ask myself?

> >

> > Did you get an answer?

> >

> > I asked myself, too, prompted by you. What came up for me was,

> > " If I choose badly, they'll think I'm stupid. " It went to what

> others

> > think of me. Seems to be a theme for me right now. Hmmm...

> >

>

> Yes, for me that seems to be the biggest fear also.

> If I choose wrongly, people will think me silly, stupid, crazy,

> uncivilized, thoughtless, unsympathetic, etc.

> Seems to be what I'm projecting on 'people'.

> And then what would happen?

> I'll end up in the gutter, all alone.

> And then what would happen?

> I'd be in pain and hungry and thirsty.

> And then what would happen?

> I'd starve.

> And then what would happen?

> I'd die.

> And then what would happen?

> I'd cease to exist.

>

> Really?

> Hm.

> Well, .... I don't know!

>

> > > Are we an

> > > interlocking whole of projections onto each other?

> >

> > Could be. Do you know the idea of the Net of Indra? It describes

> > Reality as an infinite network of jewels extending infinitely in all

> > directions. Each jewel consists solely of the reflections of all the

> > other jewels.

>

> Can't remember I heard of that idea before. It sounds interesting.

>

> Just some thoughts happening between the story of Tom and the story

> of Eva....

Yes, and what beautiful stories we are.

Thank you, Eva.

Tom

[Guest guest]

Hi Tom,

thanks for your explanation.

It looks as though the thought: " X thinks I'm a wonderful person " can

have some stressful effects, such as, like you said:

> Also, the internal puritan is still there, trying to warn me that

too

> much pleasure, too much enjoyment will lead to suffering. That I'll

> have to " pay the piper. "

....

> The internal puritan says it might mean: That I'm weak. That anyone

> who comes along and tells me nice things will be able to manipulate

> me. That I'm promiscuous. That I'm a bad person. That I'll do

anything

> to get more.

It also looks as if you wish to distance yourself from some of these

thoughts by attributing them to your 'internal puritan' (who might

that be? An unwanted lodger, tucked away in the attic of your mind,

only speaking up when he's complaining about the bash?)

So maybe it's enlightening to inquire into these two thoughts:

-- " X thinks that I am a wonderful person "

It appears that especially #3 could bring up some stuff here.

and

-- " The internal puritan is still there " or " The internal puritan

should leave me alone " or " Thoughts of the internal puritan are not

welcome " .

I'll do this same inquiry, since it seems that it's relevant to me as

well, but right now my priority lies with finishing a first draft of

an article about something entirely different. (Or is this an excuse?

Anyway... no mistake!)

Love,

Eva

[Guest guest]

> Hi Tom,

>

> thanks for your explanation.

>

> It looks as though the thought: " X thinks I'm a wonderful person " can

> have some stressful effects, such as, like you said:

>

> > Also, the internal puritan is still there, trying to warn me that

> too

> > much pleasure, too much enjoyment will lead to suffering. That I'll

> > have to " pay the piper. "

>

> ...

>

> > The internal puritan says it might mean: That I'm weak. That anyone

> > who comes along and tells me nice things will be able to manipulate

> > me. That I'm promiscuous. That I'm a bad person. That I'll do

> anything

> > to get more.

>

> It also looks as if you wish to distance yourself from some of these

> thoughts by attributing them to your 'internal puritan' (who might

> that be? An unwanted lodger, tucked away in the attic of your mind,

> only speaking up when he's complaining about the bash?)

>

> So maybe it's enlightening to inquire into these two thoughts:

>

> -- " X thinks that I am a wonderful person "

> It appears that especially #3 could bring up some stuff here.

>

> and

>

> -- " The internal puritan is still there " or " The internal puritan

> should leave me alone " or " Thoughts of the internal puritan are not

> welcome " .

>

> I'll do this same inquiry, since it seems that it's relevant to me as

> well, but right now my priority lies with finishing a first draft of

> an article about something entirely different. (Or is this an excuse?

> Anyway... no mistake!)

No mistake. Thank you for the insights.

X thinks I'm a wonderful person. (There are lots of names I could

stick in here -- Eva, nne, Heidi, Catharine... hmmm... I notice

that most of the names I'm inclined to put here are women.)

Is it true?

Well, they've told me so at one time or another, and I trust them, so

it seems like it is.

Can you absolutely know that it's true, even if they tell you?

No, I can't absolutely know it. They could've been lying, or they

might have changed their minds. I can't absolutely know that anyone

thinks anything about me.

How does it feel when you believe that X thinks you're a wonderful

person?

It feels wonderful. I never want the feeling to go away. I strategize

and plan ways to get more yummy feedback. What can I do to get them to

tell me one more time how wonderful I am? I start believing that I

need something from them -- the assurance that I'm still wonderful.

I'm addicted to LAA from the outside. When I haven't heard in a while

that I'm wonderful, I start wanting more, and trying to figure out how

to get it.

Does this thought bring peace or stress into my life?

Stress. I'm trying to control them so that I get what I want -- more

LAA from women.

How do I treat myself when I believe that X thinks I'm a wonderful

person?

I try to guess what X wants so I can keep her happy, keep her thinking

how wonderful I am. I pressure myself to read her mind, to be

attentive, to be a gentleman. I believe that my wonderfulness depends

on X's opinion of me.

What do I get out of holding this belief? What's the payoff?

Some pleasant, bubbly feelings on top. Underneath, constant anxiety

that I might lose her approval and planning and scheming to prevent

that catastrophe. The payoff is a sense of being in control, the

belief that if I work hard enough and do the right things, I can get

what I want -- LAA from every woman I know. (laughing)

What does it cost me?

The knowledge that I already have everything I need, that whether I'm

wonderful or not needn't depend on anyone else's opinion. That clear

sight gets obscured by the desire for more LAA>

Can I see a reason to drop the thought? (but don't try)

Yes -- I'd be free of the anxiety of losing her approval.

Can I see a stress-free reason for keeping the thought?

Only if I could enjoy the pleasant feelings that come from hearing how

wonderful I am without the anxiety about losing those pleasant

feelings if I lose her approval. Is that possible? says that all

pleasure is pain. Is this what she means? Perhaps this is another

belief to bring to inquiry.

Who am I without the thought that X thinks I'm a wonderful person?

Just myself, without regard for what X thinks about me. Not caring

what label someone else chooses to put on me. Wonderful? Okay.

Terrible? Okay.

Turn-arounds (for " X thinks I'm a wonderful person. " )

- I think I'm a wonderful person. When I go inside and give myself

the love and approval I want, yes I do.

- I think X is a wonderful person. Yes, I usually do think pretty

highly of the people who offer me feedback I like.

- What X thinks about me is not about me, but about X's story about

me. I think this is truer.

- What I think about X is my story about X. Truer.

My inner puritan should get off my back.

Is that true?

Yes. It's not good or helpful for me to judge myself. I should stop

it.

What's the reality of it? Do you judge yourself?

Yes, I do.

So, is it true that you should not judge yourself?

No, I guess not.

Can you absolutely know that your inner puritan should get off your

back? Can you know what's best for your path?

No, I can't know what's best for my path, and I can't know absolutely

that the inner puritan should leave me alone.

Can you know that you'd be happier if the inner puritan shut up and

went away?

No, I can't know that.

What do you think you'd have if the inner puritan went away?

Peace and quiet.

Can you really know that you'd have that?

No, I can't really know.

How do I feel when I believe that my inner puritan should get off my

back?

I feel burdened, guilty, ashamed. I tell myself that the puritan is

just trying to help, that he's just trying to keep me safe. I feel

angry and limited. I feel helpless and at his mercy.

How do I treat myself when I believe the thought?

I judge myself coming and going. I believe what the puritan says about

how awful and sinful I am, then I judge myself for having juged

myself.

Can I see a reason to drop the thought? (but please don't try)

Yes, I could be friendlier toward that part of myself.

Can I see a stress-free reason to keep the thought that my inner

puritan should get off my back?

No, it's arguing with reality.

Who am I without the thougt?

No longer an enemy to my inner puritan. Willing to hear him. Trusting

that his goal is to take care of me, to enrich me.

Turn-arounds (for " My inner puritan should get off my back. " ):

- I should get off my back. (Truer)

- I should get off my inner puritan's back. (Truer).

- My inner puritan should not get off my back. (Not until he does).

feedback welcome.

Thank you again for the suggestions, Eva.

love,

Tom

[Guest guest]

Hi Tom,

thanks for your work!

A bit of feedback in between:

> X thinks I'm a wonderful person. (There are lots of names I could

> stick in here -- Eva, nne, Heidi, Catharine... hmmm... I notice

> that most of the names I'm inclined to put here are women.)

That's interesting Tom, because I'm positive that there are a few men

in this group who also think that you are wonderful..

What do you think it could mean that your perception seems to be

selective when it comes to compliments?

In what way is it different for you when a man or a woman thinks

highly of you?

> Stress. I'm trying to control them so that I get what I want -- more

> LAA from women.

While you're trying to run the show, you're actually being run...

>

> How do I treat myself when I believe that X thinks I'm a wonderful

> person?

>

> I try to guess what X wants so I can keep her happy, keep her

thinking

> how wonderful I am. I pressure myself to read her mind, to be

> attentive, to be a gentleman. I believe that my wonderfulness

depends

> on X's opinion of me.

I can relate to that 100%

> says that all

> pleasure is pain. Is this what she means? Perhaps this is another

> belief to bring to inquiry.

When asked about which stories to investigate, I remember

saying to investigate the stories that hurt, and then the good

stories will take care of themselves.

In my experience, the good stories carry the seeds of hurt in them,

because even a good story is a story that argues with reality and one

day I'll find out that it does and then it will hurt.

In the context of this inquiry I'd venture that the story " X thinks

that I am a wonderful person " already implies the opposite.

Any statement about reality implies the opposite because no judgment

can exist without the opposite. Even when I'm simply telling myself

that I am a person I instantly create the concept of non-person.

It creates separation, and separation creates hurt if I believe my

judgments.

On the other hand, each judgment is also a creative act. It is

creative because naming things is a way of making sense of the world,

not just making sense, but actually creating it. No story, no world!

And isn't it wonderful we can be part of such a creative process?

And undoing our stories creates room for new stories to arise instead

of holding tight to just a few heavily worn-out stories....

The world becomes light, it becomes many-splendoured.

> Who am I without the thought that X thinks I'm a wonderful person?

>

> Just myself, without regard for what X thinks about me. Not caring

> what label someone else chooses to put on me. Wonderful? Okay.

> Terrible? Okay.

Yes, aren't they just stories people have about you?

And you tell yourself the story that what people say about you is how

they really feel about you.

> Turn-arounds (for " X thinks I'm a wonderful person. " )

>

> - I think I'm a wonderful person. When I go inside and give myself

> the love and approval I want, yes I do.

>

> - I think X is a wonderful person. Yes, I usually do think pretty

> highly of the people who offer me feedback I like.

>

> - What X thinks about me is not about me, but about X's story about

> me. I think this is truer.

>

> - What I think about X is my story about X. Truer.

More TA:

- X does not think I'm a wonderful person. Couldn't that be just as

true, sometimes? Regardless of what they tell you they think about

you.

- My thinking is wonderful (isn't it? creating all these stories?)

> My inner puritan should get off my back.

> What do you think you'd have if the inner puritan went away?

That's a very useful question ( " What do I think I'd have if

only... " ), I hope to use that more often.

>

> Peace and quiet.

>

Because yes, we think we want peace and quiet, but then apparently

that's not what happens.

> How do I feel when I believe that my inner puritan should get off my

> back?

>

> I feel burdened, guilty, ashamed. I tell myself that the puritan is

> just trying to help, that he's just trying to keep me safe. I feel

> angry and limited. I feel helpless and at his mercy.

I notice that I appear to be attached to my inner puritan.

I notice that I believe I'd be helpless without him/her.

It feels as if my inner puritan makes sense of the world.

My inner puritan is the personification of judgment.

So what would happen if I would just love my inner puritan and not

become attached to her?

Maybe I'll notice that her judgments become friendlier too...

I'll just tell her she's a wonderful person, that will shut her

up!!!.... :)

>

> How do I treat myself when I believe the thought?

>

> I judge myself coming and going. I believe what the puritan says

about

> how awful and sinful I am, then I judge myself for having juged

> myself.

First you believe that your inner puritan exists and then you believe

what your puritan says on top of that! Isn't that funny?

> Can I see a reason to drop the thought? (but please don't try)

>

> Yes, I could be friendlier toward that part of myself.

>

> Can I see a stress-free reason to keep the thought that my inner

> puritan should get off my back?

>

> No, it's arguing with reality.

The reality being that you believe in something that is unreal...

> Turn-arounds (for " My inner puritan should get off my back. " ):

>

> - I should get off my back. (Truer)

>

> - I should get off my inner puritan's back. (Truer).

>

> - My inner puritan should not get off my back. (Not until he does).

These were a few TAs that I found:

-- My thinking should get off my inner puritan's back.

-- I back off from my puritan's thinking

-- My thinking backs up my inner puritan

Love,

Eva