Re: can any one share their experience with making amends

[Guest guest]

Dear B,

I do make ammends when I see my part in creating an upset....i must

say that it is very freeing to my being to just say *I'm sorry for

____* and *what can I do to make ammends*. I make ammends because It

Feels Good to ME!

love,

nne

> I have been doing the work on my underlying belief that I should be

> punished. What came under that was that I believed I needed to be

> exceptional. This blocked humilty and honesty in my life. I am

> still writing and experiencing a real inside my heart and mind

> change. This change is in my attitude to others and myself. I want

> to begin to make amends. I wonder if others have had experience

> making amends and how that worked for them.

> I don't want my amends to get wraped up in my punishing thoughts. I

> want to do this for me. I just want to know the truth. This is

> still new in my thinking so any feedback is helpful.

> Thanks,

> B

[Guest guest]

Dear B

Making amends is part of the AA 12 Step Programme. I could not lay my hands on

anything concrete quickly so I can only suggest you go to your nearest AA Office

and see what is available in their literature. As far as I remember, one only

makes amends to those you have harmed where it is reasonably feasible to do so.

You never make amends if it in any way embarasses or does more harm in any way

to any person.

Hope this may help but I guess reading between the lines you could think about

doing the work on guilt.

Sincerely

Rosemary

can any one share their experience with making

amends

I have been doing the work on my underlying belief that I should be

punished. What came under that was that I believed I needed to be

exceptional. This blocked humilty and honesty in my life. I am

still writing and experiencing a real inside my heart and mind

change. This change is in my attitude to others and myself. I want

to begin to make amends. I wonder if others have had experience

making amends and how that worked for them.

I don't want my amends to get wraped up in my punishing thoughts. I

want to do this for me. I just want to know the truth. This is

still new in my thinking so any feedback is helpful.

Thanks,

B

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[Guest guest]

I have been doing the work on my underlying belief that I should be

punished. What came under that was that I believed I needed to be

exceptional. This blocked humility and honesty in my life. I am

still writing and experiencing a real inside my heart and mind

change. This change is in my attitude to others and myself. I want

to begin to make amends. I wonder if others have had experience

making amends and how that worked for them.

I don't want my amends to get wrapped up in my punishing thoughts. I

want to do this for me. I just want to know the truth. This is

still new in my thinking so any feedback is helpful.

Thanks,

B

Hi B,

First off, it is my stand that there is nothing wrong with the way you have

been being. It just is what it is and has created the seeming effects it

has. I hear that you are becoming dissatisfied with that way of being, and

that's fine. You can do that without feeling bad and wrong for it.

Regarding amends for a way of being, here's what I do. I get clear on what I

was pretending.

I look for all I can uncover about the impact of this pretense on myself and

others.

I create a new way of being that is a victory over the past; meaning that it

is not just fixing and changing things, but instead a new way of being. If I

got it, in a way that works, this new possibility leaves me feeling touched,

moved and inspired. It also has that effect on others when I share it with

them. Being touched, moved and inspired is like a litmus test.

Once you have distinguished these things for yourself, the next step is to

share them with people in your life. Not to punish yourself or " eat humble

pie " but to enroll others in the possibility of your new way of being. This

enrollment literally shifts who people see you as. They come to hold this

new possibility for you in their thinking, which makes it more available for

you. It's hard for people to see the new you if they don't know you had an

awakening to the old you. It also brings them into holding you accountable.

If you slide back into your old way of being they can notice and point it

out to you. Again not to make you wrong, but to support you.

Here's how a sample conversation might go if I were saying it.

_______ I just wanted to have a conversation with you and let you know about

something that I realized about myself recently. I noticed that I have been

arrogant and pretend that I'm better than you, that I'm smarter, that I know

more. I've just been pretending to be superior, and I apologize. That is not

what I am committed to. I value your friendship and your input. You see

things differently than I do sometimes and that's actually really helpful to

me. It helps to bring me out of the places where I get stuck in my thinking.

So, not only have I been arrogant, I've also been dishonest about being

arrogant.

I see now that the impact of this is a break in rapport with you. I've made

it difficult for you to be my friend. I take responsibility for that and I

apologize. Thank you for putting up with me when I've been so difficult to

be with sometimes. You have granted me freedom to be myself when I sought to

deny that to you.

So the possibility that I'm inventing for myself and my life is the

possibility that I can be open to what others (including you) have to say

and who you/they are. I am committed to being respectful of you and to let

go of " being right " and trying to dogmatically convince you of it.

It' amazing how open people are to hearing " Here's where I've been full of

BS and pretending. " If you choose to have these conversations I know you

will find many willing ears and there will be freedom waiting to be

revealed.

Love,

[Guest guest]

Hi frank:

My experience with amends comes from AA, I learned that I get

wrapped up in the concepts game, the speculating because am still

trying to defend my beloved concepts and stories, once i realize that

the purpose of ammend is to change my behavior and outlook is easy to

say, " I came here to say that I realize how selfish and arrogant i

was in delaying the payement of the rent because i said you were a

an unfair jerk, here is the $500 i owe you. what else can i do to

make it up to you? " he looked at me and said here, i'll take

half ...forget the rest, thank you for comming by... We are friends

now.

> I have been doing the work on my underlying belief that I should be

> punished. What came under that was that I believed I needed to be

> exceptional. This blocked humility and honesty in my life. I am

> still writing and experiencing a real inside my heart and mind

> change. This change is in my attitude to others and myself. I

want

> to begin to make amends. I wonder if others have had experience

> making amends and how that worked for them.

> I don't want my amends to get wrapped up in my punishing thoughts.

I

> want to do this for me. I just want to know the truth. This is

> still new in my thinking so any feedback is helpful.

> Thanks,

> B

>

>

>

>

>

> Hi B,

>

> First off, it is my stand that there is nothing wrong with the way

you have

> been being. It just is what it is and has created the seeming

effects it

> has. I hear that you are becoming dissatisfied with that way of

being, and

> that's fine. You can do that without feeling bad and wrong for it.

>

> Regarding amends for a way of being, here's what I do. I get clear

on what I

> was pretending.

>

> I look for all I can uncover about the impact of this pretense on

myself and

> others.

>

> I create a new way of being that is a victory over the past;

meaning that it

> is not just fixing and changing things, but instead a new way of

being. If I

> got it, in a way that works, this new possibility leaves me feeling

touched,

> moved and inspired. It also has that effect on others when I share

it with

> them. Being touched, moved and inspired is like a litmus test.

>

>

>

> Once you have distinguished these things for yourself, the next

step is to

> share them with people in your life. Not to punish yourself or " eat

humble

> pie " but to enroll others in the possibility of your new way of

being. This

> enrollment literally shifts who people see you as. They come to

hold this

> new possibility for you in their thinking, which makes it more

available for

> you. It's hard for people to see the new you if they don't know you

had an

> awakening to the old you. It also brings them into holding you

accountable.

> If you slide back into your old way of being they can notice and

point it

> out to you. Again not to make you wrong, but to support you.

>

>

>

> Here's how a sample conversation might go if I were saying it.

>

>

>

> _______ I just wanted to have a conversation with you and let you

know about

> something that I realized about myself recently. I noticed that I

have been

> arrogant and pretend that I'm better than you, that I'm smarter,

that I know

> more. I've just been pretending to be superior, and I apologize.

That is not

> what I am committed to. I value your friendship and your input. You

see

> things differently than I do sometimes and that's actually really

helpful to

> me. It helps to bring me out of the places where I get stuck in my

thinking.

> So, not only have I been arrogant, I've also been dishonest about

being

> arrogant.

>

> I see now that the impact of this is a break in rapport with you.

I've made

> it difficult for you to be my friend. I take responsibility for

that and I

> apologize. Thank you for putting up with me when I've been so

difficult to

> be with sometimes. You have granted me freedom to be myself when I

sought to

> deny that to you.

>

> So the possibility that I'm inventing for myself and my life is the

> possibility that I can be open to what others (including you) have

to say

> and who you/they are. I am committed to being respectful of you and

to let

> go of " being right " and trying to dogmatically convince you of it.

>

> It' amazing how open people are to hearing " Here's where I've been

full of

> BS and pretending. " If you choose to have these conversations I

know you

> will find many willing ears and there will be freedom waiting to be

> revealed.

>

>

>

> Love,

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dear B:

It sounds as if you are making some wonderful progress.

Congratulations!

My experience is that if I have done something that I perceive as

having been hurtful to another, I do the work on it. If I find that

I was confused, then I go to that person and tell them that I have

realized that I was wrong and that I am sorry for any hurt they may

have experienced from my act and I ask them if they would please

forgive me.

I hope this may help.

Blessings, steve D.

> I have been doing the work on my underlying belief that I should be

> punished. What came under that was that I believed I needed to be

> exceptional. This blocked humilty and honesty in my life. I am

> still writing and experiencing a real inside my heart and mind

> change. This change is in my attitude to others and myself. I

want

> to begin to make amends. I wonder if others have had experience

> making amends and how that worked for them.

> I don't want my amends to get wraped up in my punishing thoughts.

I

> want to do this for me. I just want to know the truth. This is

> still new in my thinking so any feedback is helpful.

> Thanks,

> B