Re: Afraid my partner will flip out, not be able to function/Ann

[Guest guest]

1. " You may want to consider that you might be functioning as an

enabler. You might want to examine whether he is subtly manipulating

you (consciously or unconsciously on his part). "

What is an enabler?

*****I don't know the textbook definition, but in colloquial usage an

enabler is one who assists (often unconsciously) another to persist

in self-destructive behavior (e.g., substance abuse) by providing

excuses or by helping that individual avoid the consequences of such

behavior. " I'm not saying you are doing that, just posing it as an

open question. Do you get something out of being in such a

relationship?

I know that I feel like he manipulates with anger.

*****OK. So you recognize that you are being manipulated. The

question is, what have you gotten from such behavior that has served

you (otherwise you would not put up with it).

I told him that I am tired of having to be careful how I act around

him, just so that he wont be disturbed or get upset. He knows that

he has anger problems (he never hits me). Anger is like an automatic

habit for him. He gets angry at everything (almost). He says he can

not control his emotions and therefore he is a poor victim of these

intense emotions.

I feel like he is not taking responsibility for his anger and that by

saying that he can not control it, he makes it okay to continue being

angry.

*****Well, you've come to the wrong person for help with this. I

agree that he can not control his emotions. It is my belief that NO

human being controls his or her emotions. Emotions, like thought,

happen. They arise at unconscious levels and by the time they become

conscious, they can't be stopped. The same with thought. All

thought appears to be created (based on current understanding in

neuroscience) about 500 milliseconds before it becomes conscious.

The brain functions pretty much mechanically, creating thoughts &

emotions from its conditioning. (BTW, an emotion is simply a thought

accompanied by a bodily sensation.)

It seems that at the present time, your friend's conditioning is such

that there is not a strong enough impulse for him to do something

about his anger. When such a desire overrides the pleasure he gets

from venting and being anger, he will seek out some form of help.

The real and immediate question is, what are *you* going to do about

*your* life, since you find this situation unpleasant enough to post

about it? You really can't do anything about him or for him until he

is ready to participate.

I understood that by doing The Work, the situation would change.

*****Perhaps. There are no guarantees.

And that could mean that I would not see him as angry/unstable..

anymore.

*****That is one possible outcome. There are many results which can

manifest, one of which is no noticeable change at all.

seemed to remain totally at peace even when would get

angry and yell..... She did not hold any story about and so she

was totally at peace inside.

*****Two thoughts on this. You are not Byron . It can be

useless and harmful to compare yourself with ANYONE else. This is a

VERY common human attribute and it takes a lot of getting knocked

around to realize the pointless of saying (either to yourself or

outloud to another), " Well it worked for her!! So It should work for

me. " What may be so for another may very well not be the truth for

you. Things happen in very individual manifestations, all dependent

on the time, the place, and the circumstance (which includes the

individual's very unique conditioning). Byron stresses this

over and over. It is the same message that the Buddha gave his

closest friends while he was on his deathbed: " Place no head above

your own...be a lamp unto yourself. " She stresses: don't trust

ME...find out for yourself. But many people ignore that, attempting

to find out for themselves if they can be like Byron , have

insights and experiences that mirror Byron 's. It is wishful

thinking and can distract you from your own journey (always checking

back to see if what you have gotten mirrors or reflects what someone

else has experienced).

Another thought: how do you know how Byron felt when would

get angry and yell? Were you there? Do you have some insight into

what was going on within Byron 's mind and heart at those

moments? And even if she said that was how it was for her....how do

you know her recollection is correct? Why believe her? What purpose

does such belief serve you? Does it contribute to some fantasy you

wish to harbor of attaining a level of peace that YOU might someday

discover if you follow her example? If so, you are still looking for

Mommy or Daddy to take care of you and are not yet willing to stand

on your own two feet and face YOUR life as an exciting (and sometimes

scary) experiement of one.

This is what I am trying to get to.

*****Yes, this is clear. Time to grow up. And none of this is to

diminish the usefulness of The Work. Like meditation, prayer,

psychotherapy, The Pathway, Inner Bonding, and a whole host of

other " paths, " it may allow a person to arrive at a more peaceful

place, somewhere balanced. But for some The Work may not be useful.

For some, there may be a need for another practice first, e.g.,

counseling with a therapist one-on-one. The Work is not a cure-all

for all emotional/mental ills and discomforts for all people. For

some it will work like a charm. Others, because of their

individuality, will find it a useless expenditure of energy. It is

useful to understand the uniqueness of the human condition. Just as

no two snowflakes are identical, neither are human beings. So....if

you are thus compelled, DO The Work. I hope it is effective for you.

But you may find more peace arriving when you no longer look outside

yourself for your answers (and that includes trusting ANYONE, priest,

therapist, guru, or sage). Recognize yourself as that lamp which

will light your way.

[Guest guest]

> *****Well, you've come to the wrong person for help with this. I

> agree that he can not control his emotions. It is my belief that

> NO human being controls his or her emotions. Emotions, like

> thought, happen. They arise at unconscious levels and by the time

> they become conscious, they can't be stopped. The same with

> thought. All thought appears to be created (based on current

> understanding in neuroscience) about 500 milliseconds before it

> becomes conscious. The brain functions pretty much mechanically,

> creating thoughts & emotions from its conditioning. (BTW, an

> emotion is simply a thought accompanied by a bodily sensation.)

>

You know the beauty of the Work for me is that I have no need to

control my emotions, beautiful feelings arise automatically when I

meet my negative thoughts with understanding. The order in which my

experience and I suspect everyones experience is created is THINK,

FEEL, ACT, HAVE. If I am experiencing ANY negative emotion it is

because I am believing a negative thought. I can not control when a

negative thought will arise, but if I inquire into the thought and

see that it is not true, then when it arises again the emotions

generated by it become less and less, until the negative thought may

arise and I experience only laughter.

I only experience beautiful feelings, because I question any negative

thought which would argue with reality and produce a negative

emotion. As say " sanity never suffers " . If I suffer I know I am

insane and its time to do the Work and get well

Loving what is ...

[Guest guest]

>

> Another thought: how do you know how Byron felt when

> would get angry and yell? Were you there? Do you have some

> insight into what was going on within Byron 's mind and heart

> at those moments? And even if she said that was how it was for

> her....how do you know her recollection is correct? Why believe

> her? What purpose does such belief serve you? Does it contribute

> to some fantasy you wish to harbor of attaining a level of peace

> that YOU might someday discover if you follow her example? If so,

> you are still looking for Mommy or Daddy to take care of you and

> are not yet willing to stand on your own two feet and face YOUR

> life as an exciting (and sometimes scary) experiement of one.

>

Why believe Byron ? Well, I don't think has ever asked

anyone to believe what she says. She has simply offered the questions

and the TA. and asked others to go inside and find out what is true

for them.

One of the refreshing things about for me is that she doesn't

raise herself up as some sort of guru or master teacher. She could,

but she doesn't. All I see doing is facilitating others as they

go inside and search for their own answers. She is more like a best

friend, rather than a Mommy or Daddy substitute.

Loving what is ...

[Guest guest]

Why believe Byron ? Well, I don't think has ever asked

anyone to believe what she says. She has simply offered the questions

and the TA. and asked others to go inside and find out what is true

for them.

*****Yes, I agree. This is my experience of her also.

One of the refreshing things about for me is that she doesn't

raise herself up as some sort of guru or master teacher.

*****No, she doesn't. Her sycophantic followers do.

She could, but she doesn't.

*****From what I've heard of her and read by her, I really wonder if

she could; her nature seems to suggest that she is not disposed to

playing that game. But then, stranger things have happened.

All I see doing is facilitating others as they go inside and

search for their own answers. She is more like a best friend, rather

than a Mommy or Daddy substitute.

*****Again, agreement. I did not mean to suggest that Byron

put herself forward as a Mommy/Daddy figure. Only that those who

need such coddling create her that way.

[Guest guest]

I see as an amazing example of living free of stories. And this

is sooo attractive to me. So, I notice that I love listening to what

she says and I want to have her in a sort of Support function now.

And that may change with time.

Right now, I want help and I feel extremely drawn to for help.

In fact, she is the only person I could say I deeply trust.

So, for me it feels better to hang on to her, even if I cant know

what she is really thinking or feeling. At least I have a fantastic

story of who is, and that seems to Hold me and make me feel

safe.

And that means that I try to apply what she says to my " problems " .

I see amazing potential with The Work, and I feel like I am a

beginner still and I yearn for the experience of myself without

painful stories.

I do not know of any other way to deal with pain in my life, so I

feel very grateful to have The Work.

I see The Work as the way for me to meet Me. To step into the

awareness of love for myself and anything that appears in my life.

Ann

>

> Why believe Byron ? Well, I don't think has ever asked

> anyone to believe what she says. She has simply offered the

questions

> and the TA. and asked others to go inside and find out what is true

> for them.

>

>

> *****Yes, I agree. This is my experience of her also.

>

>

> One of the refreshing things about for me is that she doesn't

> raise herself up as some sort of guru or master teacher.

>

>

> *****No, she doesn't. Her sycophantic followers do.

>

>

> She could, but she doesn't.

>

>

> *****From what I've heard of her and read by her, I really wonder

if

> she could; her nature seems to suggest that she is not disposed to

> playing that game. But then, stranger things have happened.

>

>

> All I see doing is facilitating others as they go inside and

> search for their own answers. She is more like a best friend,

rather

> than a Mommy or Daddy substitute.

>

>

>

> *****Again, agreement. I did not mean to suggest that Byron

> put herself forward as a Mommy/Daddy figure. Only that those who

> need such coddling create her that way.