Re: little help with the work

[Guest guest]

Dear Chris

When I Started doing the work it was about my wife. She had fallen in

love with someone else, and was regularly meeting with him. Later she

had a sexual affair with him. We talked about it a lot and I never had

the feeling she was lying to me. Nevertheless I believed she was not

telling me the truth. It is a good one. I did hours and days of beliefs

on her. Whole weekends and ivestigating these thoughts was a great

relief. I still have not done all of them - I sense there is more to

come - but I do not have the urge of looking in that direction and

there is other things to do the work on (lots! ;-).

I do not like to give turnarounds or do the work 'for you' because I

had so much fun finding my own ones through my works. I felt it had

much more effect doing it myself. So If I do a work, I do it for

myself. I can not do it for others, anyway ;-)

I want to summarize my thoughts here:

Have you inquired? Have you asked yoursef if it is true? Did you do the

first to topics? Do you go inside?

If I do the work and go in deeply, the realizations are deeply, if I

don't go as deep, the realizations are not as deep.

You say the lies and the sex hurts you. What hurts more? You may want

to do these two separately. How many times does it happen in reality,

how often in your mind?

> I have been applying the work to my life for a couple of months

> now. I've tried applying it to a situation with my boyfriend, but I

> haven't been able to feel the kind of peace I've felt with other

> situations.

>

> Here is what I wrote:

>

> 1. Who angers, confuses, or disappoints you, and why? What is it

> about them that you don't like?

>

> I'm angry at Jim because he lies to me and has sex with other

> people.

Can you really know that that is true?

> He plays games with me sometimes pulling me closer and

> sometimes pushing me away.

Is that true? Go into one example. See how he pulls you and pushes you.

Can you really know he is doing what you perceive?

> He doesn't tell me how he really

> feels

> about me.

Is that really true?

> He gets upset with me and then won't talk to me about

> it.

Can you really know what he is upset about? If I have a bad day, I can

get upset about anything, I have a good day, and I do not.

> I'm left feeling as if I did something wrong.

You are left feeling. So he makes something in order to make you feel

you did something wrong. Is that really true? Can you know?

> 2. How do you want them to change? What do you want them to do?

> I want Jim to be honest and open with me, to stop playing games with

> me, and be willing to share his feelings with me.

He should be honest and open with you.

He is playing games with you.

He should be willing to share his feelings with you.

> I want to know that everything is okay and nothing has changed.

what does this have to do with Jim? If it was a lie, would you really

rather believe it?

> 3. What is it that they should or shouldn't do, be, think or

> feel?

> What advice could you offer?

> Jim should open up and be willing to share himself with me.

> Jim shouldn't lie to me or mislead me. Jim should tell me what I

> want to know.

Is that really true?

> He shouldn't feel upset because I have a concern

> about his outside sexual activity.

He is upset because you have a concern about his outside sexual

activity. Is that really true? He could be upset about anything, and

you may interpret it this way, anyway.

Is there a reason you look how you feel here at this point? Did you go

through questions 1 and 2?

>

> When I believe these thoughts, I feel as if something is missing and

> wrong. I can't experience my love for him or his love for me. I

> believe every bad thought about him and me.

>

> Without these thoughts, I don't know how I would be. I think I

> would be free to love him and have him love me without all the

> conditions and looking for him to do this or that.

Try to leave away the storytelling and see how that feels. Then look at

him without the thoughts.

> Turn arounds: I should open up and be willing to share myself with

> him. I shouldn't lie or mislead Jim or myself. I should tell

> Jim

> what he wants to know. I shouldn't feel upset about his outside

> sexual activities.

Does this feel true or truer? Do you feel it?

> 4. Do you need anything from them? What do they need to do in order

> for you to be happy?

> I need Jim to be honest with me,

he is not honest to you, is that true? Go to a situation where you had

the feeling that he was not honest to you, and see if you can really

know he wasn't.

> to tell me how he feels, to be

> clear about what he wants/doesn't want. I need to know that he

> loves me no matter what.

Is that really true? Even if he does not. If it was his highest need,

the only thing to make him happy not to love you. Would you still want

to know that he loves you?

Do you question your thoughts in the first place?

> When I believe these thoughts, my happiness is waiting on something

> from Jim. Without these thoughts, I can be happy now in the

> moment. I may still want to know things, but my happiness is not

> dependent on it.

>

> Turnarounds: I need to be honest with Jim/myself; I need to tell

> Jim/myself how I feel; I need to be clear to Jim/myself about what I

> want/don't want. I need to know that I love me no matter what.

> He

> needs to know that I love him no matter what.

How do these feel? There are more turnarounds.

> 5. What do you think of them? Make a list.

> Jim is selfish, a sexual addict, thoughtless, mean, manipulative,

> abusive, a lying bastard, and not worthy of my love and trust.

Is that true? When? Go to those places to find out.

> Turn arounds: I am selfish, obsessed with sex, thoughtless, mean,

> manipulative, abusive, a lying bastard, and not worth of his trust.

Do you feel it?

> 6. What is it that you don't want to experience with that person

> again?

> I don't ever want to have Jim lie to me again or treat me poorly.

Did he? Go there.

> I don't want to have this feeling that I don't know how he

> feels about me. I don't want to have this feeling that he is upset

> with me.

Even if he doesn't know? Are there times where you don't know?

> Turn arounds: I look forward to having Jim lie or treat me poorly

> again. I look forward to not knowing how he feels about me. I look

> forward to him being upset with me. If any of these things bother

> me, it is an indication that I might consider doing more work around

> this. My peace of mind is not based on Jim or anything external

> from myself. It is constant and anything to the contrary is just an

> illusion I've created.

How do these feel?

> I really get stuck on the part about him lying to me about having

> sex with other people still. I still have the thought that he

> shouldn't have done this. Am I missing something here? I think I

> need an objective opinion with this.

I don't know if you feel my opinion aas objective, nor if that is

really what you need.

What I see is that you are doing a very good job. It may take time.

If I go inside, I usually find better clarity. The work takes me as far

as I want to go. As far as I need to go in the moment. When I did the

work on these it turned out to be lots of different thoughts. I can

recall a weekend where I did about 50 works. It has been a quite

exhausting weekend for me, but by the end I felt so gentle and a lot of

love. Before I did feel torn apart. Or as if someone (my wife) had torn

my heart out.

I have no idea on how you would feel now. You seem very objective. Very

reasonable. Reading you gives me the same feeling which I experience

when I try to go beyond my evolution. My thinking comes in and I 'know'

I should not blame her/him, because it's all only about my belief

system.

That does not work very well for me. ;-)

> Thanks, Chris

Take care,