Re: The Should word (for Kate)

[Guest guest]

" I am trying to be really honest with myself. Yes, it

did happen. EAch time I tell myself the story I remember details that

I had forgotten or minimized before. So, yes I guess there is some

denial left " . Kate

Glad you found what I wrote helpful, Kate. Now I have something hard

to say, something which Kt excels in helping her clients to accept.

And that is - can you find that part of 15 year old Kate who enjoyed

being molested by your therapist, who was flattered by it, etc? Can

you see any way she (you) might have complied with or even encouraged

the molestation? Such encouragement or complicity in no way excuses

such disgraceful behaviour by the therapist, and may never have even

existed, but if some way deep down you feel responsible, that would

also explain why you find it hard to let it go. As I said, Kt has a

way of finding such things out, and helping her clients to accept and

take responsibility for such parts. More in my post to Eddie,

love, Tim

[Guest guest]

Tim - I have spent most of my life feeling guilty about what happened

and thinking that I caused it. Yes of course I was flattered. Of

course I was complicit. I don't think that ahead of time I

encouraged the molestation specifically. Of course, I was a teenager

and my hormones were raging and all, but I was totally taken aback by

his approach. And I thought it was really gross because he was much

older than I and in a very different social culture. I was a hippie,

he was a pin striped suit kind of guy. It really wasn't until the

last year or so (I'm over 50 now)that I have begun to understand his

role in it. I didn't know that he was a habitual abuser of young

women patients until I found an old article about him last summer in

an on-line archive. I didn't know that I was not special - I was

just another target of his craziness. Okay, now I'm getting mad

again. For years I wanted to think that he did it because I was

special to him and he actually fell in love with me and made a

mistake. That it was my fault it ended. So, yes, I wanted it. What

I didn't want is when he shut me out and denied it had happened. What

I didn't want was to lose my therapist. Lots to work on here. " I'm

angry because didn't think I was special " " I'm angry because

abused other women too. " " I'm angry because he rejected me. "

Is this what you were talking about?

> Glad you found what I wrote helpful, Kate. Now I have something

hard

> to say, something which Kt excels in helping her clients to accept.

> And that is - can you find that part of 15 year old Kate who

enjoyed

> being molested by your therapist, who was flattered by it, etc? Can

> you see any way she (you) might have complied with or even

encouraged

> the molestation? Such encouragement or complicity in no way excuses

> such disgraceful behaviour by the therapist, and may never have

even

> existed, but if some way deep down you feel responsible, that would

> also explain why you find it hard to let it go. As I said, Kt has a

> way of finding such things out, and helping her clients to accept

and

> take responsibility for such parts. More in my post to Eddie,

> love, Tim

[Guest guest]

" So, yes, I wanted it. What

I didn't want is when he shut me out and denied it had happened. What

I didn't want was to lose my therapist. Lots to work on here. " I'm

angry because didn't think I was special " " I'm angry because

abused other women too. " " I'm angry because he rejected me. "

Is this what you were talking about? " Kate

Yes. Your reply helps me - I still feel rage over being repeatedly

raped both ends by my father, I still have this nagging feeling it

shouldn't have happened <g> However, as I was only 2+ I don't feel

over complicit in the events. So I'm not the one to counsel you on

resolving your rage over sex abuse. I'm talking about being naked

with yourself, allowing yourself/myself to feel what you feel - aged

2, 15, now - be naked with your feelings, they are you. Love, rage,

hurt, shock, hate, it's all you/me. Nothing right or wrong, nothing

to be denied. Trying to control emotions has never worked. We can

freeze them for a while, that's all, and at great cost to our lives.

We feel what we feel - except we try not to, and that's what keeps it

unresolved. Know that you are loved, unconditionally, by One who does

not judge, who gives you full permission to be exactly who you are.

That One uses Kt's body sometimes, and is in you, gently waking for

you to notice,

love, Tim

[Guest guest]

---Tim,

Be careful. Negativity is a sticky road and trying to rescue people

who don't want to be rescued is the vehicle that most often takes us

down that road.

Love, Openeyes

In Loving-what-is , " timitisi " <timitisi@y...> wrote:

> " I am trying to be really honest with myself. Yes, it

> did happen. EAch time I tell myself the story I remember details

that

> I had forgotten or minimized before. So, yes I guess there is some

> denial left " . Kate

>

> Glad you found what I wrote helpful, Kate. Now I have something

hard

> to say, something which Kt excels in helping her clients to accept.

> And that is - can you find that part of 15 year old Kate who

enjoyed

> being molested by your therapist, who was flattered by it, etc? Can

> you see any way she (you) might have complied with or even

encouraged

> the molestation? Such encouragement or complicity in no way excuses

> such disgraceful behaviour by the therapist, and may never have

even

> existed, but if some way deep down you feel responsible, that would

> also explain why you find it hard to let it go. As I said, Kt has a

> way of finding such things out, and helping her clients to accept

and

> take responsibility for such parts. More in my post to Eddie,

> love, Tim

[Guest guest]

Tim - Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I have come a

long way today with seeing the irrelevance of " should " in this

context. Have you found that some of these raw feelings have

subsided since you have let go of the right/wrong aspects of what

happened? Can we be rageful without that belief that what happened

was wrong? I guess we can if we are.

Kate

> Yes. Your reply helps me - I still feel rage over being repeatedly

> raped both ends by my father, I still have this nagging feeling it

> shouldn't have happened <g> However, as I was only 2+ I don't feel

> over complicit in the events. So I'm not the one to counsel you on

> resolving your rage over sex abuse. I'm talking about being naked

> with yourself, allowing yourself/myself to feel what you feel -

aged

> 2, 15, now - be naked with your feelings, they are you. Love, rage,

> hurt, shock, hate, it's all you/me. Nothing right or wrong, nothing

> to be denied. Trying to control emotions has never worked. We can

> freeze them for a while, that's all, and at great cost to our

lives.

> We feel what we feel - except we try not to, and that's what keeps

it

> unresolved. Know that you are loved, unconditionally, by One who

does

> not judge, who gives you full permission to be exactly who you are.

> That One uses Kt's body sometimes, and is in you, gently waking for

> you to notice,

>

> love, Tim