my kids need me

[Guest guest]

is it true? lord, yes. they clamber over me constantly, they cry out for me

in the night (and that thought makes me feel very anxious), they follow me

around all day and call for me to play with them and feed them and wipe their

bottoms.

can i absolutely know it's true? no, i guess it's not absolutely true, since

someone else would step in if i dropped dead. but i believe they would suffer

emotionally if i were to disappear. (ah, but how much would they suffer if you

just left them for a little while?)

how do i feel when i believe that my kids need me? choked and constricted.

frightened and overwhelmed. too small to do this huge job. i want to curl up in

a ball and hide. i wish i'd never had kids. my stomach hurts. but i also feel

proud and important, like i'm doing a great job because my kids need me and

i'm there for them, i feel more important than my friends who don't have kids,

like i've found the true meaning of life.

how do i treat my kids when i believe they need me? i try to respond to their

every need and demand. i try to keep them happy. i get overwhelmed and push

them away. i zone out at the computer and yell at them when they won't leave me

alone. i resent them. i wish they'd go away. i want them to be more

independent.

who would i be if i couldn't think the thought " my kids need me " ? i'd be

someone living in a household with 3 other people, trying to get along with

them.

i'd be trying to meet their needs as best i could within my own boundaries and

needs, without getting upset when i couldn't. i might not take their every

demand as i need. i'd say no more. i'd leave them with other people more. i

probably wouldn't be nursing harry still. i wouldn't be parenting the same way.

i'd insist that they stay overnight with their grandparents, to give us a

break, even if they didn't want to. (maybe they'd be more willing to, or they'd

get

over their resistance).

this is hard for me to imagine, because i have such a strong story about the

importance of attachment parenting and TCS and respecting children's autonomy

for building emotionally whole people. if i didn't believe my kids needed me,

i'd have put them in daycare and gone back to work.

okay, i could stop nursing harrison and it would be many days and nights of

screaming, but he'd get over it. i could make them go to school and to daycare

and they'd adjust after a while. but now i'm really confused, is that what i'm

supposed to do? how do you make parenting choices if you don't have parenting

beliefs?

if i couldn't think the thought that my kids need me, i wouldn't feel so

pressured, i'd let other people care for them, even though other people don't

treat my kids the way i wanted to be treated as a child.

TA: my kids don't need me. -- i can kind of feel this, but i'm still

resisting it.

I need my kids -- i do, they give my life meaning, i make myself feel better

by how i parent them

i need me -- i need more time to do things for myself.

okay, i know i got off track and resisted things here. i'm going to work

some statements from this worksheet (my kids would suffer emotionally if i

wasn't

around, everything my kids want strongly is a need, i should have been

treated differently as a kid, i can make my kids happier than i was, i can make

my

kids happy at all, for that matter) and i'm going to examine my thinking about

attachment parenting, and exactly how much attachment is enough. suggestions

for other thoughts to inquire into are most welcomed.

i feel weird. kind of relieved but freaked out and resistant.

thanks to all on this forum for being both a reminder and an encouragement to

do this work,

susan

[Guest guest]

> suggestions

> for other thoughts to inquire into are most welcomed.

> i feel weird. kind of relieved but freaked out and resistant.

> thanks to all on this forum for being both a reminder and an

> encouragement to do this work,

Hi ,

Is there an underlying belief that it is possible to make a " mistake "

in how you look after your children?

Is day-care different from the children being in your care, except in

the stories you are believing about day-care and mother-care? Perhaps

you live right next to a day-care centre with a worker who will love

your children even more than you do.

Are there some underlying beliefs about day-care like:

The day-care workers won't love my kids as much as I do.

Day-care workers can't care for my children as well as I can.

My children would be happier at home.

If I put my children in day-care they will think I don't love them.

Just some thoughts

Loving what is, angel and that would be you

Neo

[Guest guest]

,

there is so much!!!!

I believe in " attachment parenting " and my children slept in our bed

until they were ready to leave, they nursed until they were ready to

stop and they are just fine. I had a practice with Dr. Sears and did

Lactation Consulting for a while. My daughter who attended her second

cleanse was the first " model " for the baby sling. My marriage didn't

fall apart until the last child had been out of the room for a few

years...

The funny thing is that " attachment parenting " now means something

different for me. I am not attached to the thought that I attach to

them like an appendage. I do notice that a baby can't very well go make

him/herself a sandwich! I also notice that my kids (4 of them) all

potty trained at different times, when they were ready... and no I

didn't force it before they were evolved, as if I could!!!! LOL (try

that one when the kid is three and a half!!!!) Parents are teachers,

much like can be, and look at how many people want to hang around

her... surely your kids want to be around you! You might be the

teacher....

I home school and each child learned to read at a different time. Some

learned the times tables in a day, one child in a year! I forget how

great these teachers are for me! And yes, I too had times when a bath

alone was " crazy thinking " . Now I look back and think how did we all

fit in that tub, and wasn't that fun!

This work is totally for YOU! Yes I am going to be in your business and

say this is supposed to free you, not hurt you! If it hurts to imagine

a baby/child crying for hours to " get over it " why in Hell would you do

it? It is a funny thing about kids... my kids seemed to notice when I

was relaxed about what they did or didn't do...kind of like they watched

for a reaction (my story) and when I thought it was fun to leave them

with their older sister to go have dinner with my husband, they thought

it was fun too! When I was pissed off at my husband and really didn't

want to go have dinner and have him berate me, the kids seemed to " need

me " more! LOL oh I was great at creating a novel, never mind story!

<smile> I nursed all 4 of my kids and it was the easier way for me.

This " work thing " is really a blast! I love it. My kids ADORE it

because they can teach me with total 'safety'. They just ask the 4

questions and the extras like " what do you get out of that thought! " or

" yeah mom and that thought means ....what? "

I just wanted to respond to your note because it brought back so many

memories! My third child had a lot of allergies and cried often. I

would try to take a shower and I would get a pounding on the door with

" she needs you!!!! " I believed it, and well that poor kid needed

something, and I was the one that " stopped the crying " ....later " no

dairy " stopped the crying. What fun, kids are like a " find Waldo "

game. They can learn from us how to find what they need.

When my third kid would not potty train I just gave up and said, here...

these are the plastic bags.....these are the wipes..... this is how to

clean yourself ..... and you can do it... (she was almost 4) no shame,

no blame and it often took her a good 30 minutes to take care of herself

and within a couple of weeks she figured out the " easiest way " .

So your kids need you, is it true? Turn that around... oh that was mine

until just last March! I left them all for the first time for 9 days as

I went to the school! (my oldest at home was 17 and the youngest 11) I

almost went AWOL! I was completely in story and the pain it brought was

tremendous! I called them and told them I was supposed to do " the work "

and not call too much... I was in tears, crying and saying that I was

stuck in a cult! They said I sounded weird! They also said that this

was for me and they were fine, no worry...but to please call the next

day as I sounded NUTS and if they didn't hear from me they would send

the National Guard! LOL

There are some stories that can appear exhausting for me when I worry if

they are not " right " ... but when they feel good, I have no story. They

grow up so fast!!!! Wahhhhhhhhh.....

Well I didn't really stick to the 4 questions but I had fun! Oh thanks

for the memories!

Lovingly,

April

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

something off-topic here, to your question about

parenting decisions:

We nursed our first kid until almost his third year.

He had lots of pain in the stomach during this time.

He used to either sleep or cry. As soon as we (she

actually) stopped nursing him, he started to sleep

through the night.

When you take away your beliefs the only thing that

remains is love. Love cares for your kids.

Can you really know which way to treat your kids is

the best? On the long run?

Could it be that daycare and a relaxed, loving mother

is better for your kids, than a stressed one ?

It gives me less stress to have people around me who

are happy, without arguing with me over what I should

do.

Love,

> is it true? lord, yes. they clamber over me

> constantly, they cry out for me

> in the night (and that thought makes me feel very

> anxious), they follow me

> around all day and call for me to play with them and

> feed them and wipe their

> bottoms.

> can i absolutely know it's true? no, i guess it's

> not absolutely true, since

> someone else would step in if i dropped dead. but i

> believe they would suffer

> emotionally if i were to disappear. (ah, but how

> much would they suffer if you

> just left them for a little while?)

> how do i feel when i believe that my kids need me?

> choked and constricted.

> frightened and overwhelmed. too small to do this

> huge job. i want to curl up in

> a ball and hide. i wish i'd never had kids. my

> stomach hurts. but i also feel

> proud and important, like i'm doing a great job

> because my kids need me and

> i'm there for them, i feel more important than my

> friends who don't have kids,

> like i've found the true meaning of life.

> how do i treat my kids when i believe they need me?

> i try to respond to their

> every need and demand. i try to keep them happy. i

> get overwhelmed and push

> them away. i zone out at the computer and yell at

> them when they won't leave me

> alone. i resent them. i wish they'd go away. i want

> them to be more

> independent.

> who would i be if i couldn't think the thought " my

> kids need me " ? i'd be

> someone living in a household with 3 other people,

> trying to get along with them.

> i'd be trying to meet their needs as best i could

> within my own boundaries and

> needs, without getting upset when i couldn't. i

> might not take their every

> demand as i need. i'd say no more. i'd leave them

> with other people more. i

> probably wouldn't be nursing harry still. i

> wouldn't be parenting the same way.

> i'd insist that they stay overnight with their

> grandparents, to give us a

> break, even if they didn't want to. (maybe they'd be

> more willing to, or they'd get

> over their resistance).

> this is hard for me to imagine, because i have such

> a strong story about the

> importance of attachment parenting and TCS and

> respecting children's autonomy

> for building emotionally whole people. if i didn't

> believe my kids needed me,

> i'd have put them in daycare and gone back to work.

> okay, i could stop nursing harrison and it would be

> many days and nights of

> screaming, but he'd get over it. i could make them

> go to school and to daycare

> and they'd adjust after a while. but now i'm really

> confused, is that what i'm

> supposed to do? how do you make parenting choices if

> you don't have parenting

> beliefs?

> if i couldn't think the thought that my kids need

> me, i wouldn't feel so

> pressured, i'd let other people care for them, even

> though other people don't

> treat my kids the way i wanted to be treated as a

> child.

> TA: my kids don't need me. -- i can kind of feel

> this, but i'm still

> resisting it.

> I need my kids -- i do, they give my life meaning, i

> make myself feel better

> by how i parent them

> i need me -- i need more time to do things for

> myself.

>

> okay, i know i got off track and resisted things

> here. i'm going to work

> some statements from this worksheet (my kids would

> suffer emotionally if i wasn't

> around, everything my kids want strongly is a need,

> i should have been

> treated differently as a kid, i can make my kids

> happier than i was, i can make my

> kids happy at all, for that matter) and i'm going to

> examine my thinking about

> attachment parenting, and exactly how much

> attachment is enough. suggestions

> for other thoughts to inquire into are most

> welcomed.

> i feel weird. kind of relieved but freaked out and

> resistant.

> thanks to all on this forum for being both a

> reminder and an encouragement to

> do this work,

> susan

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