i need you to like me

[Guest guest]

i need you to like me.

1. sure feels true.

2. no

3. i try to 'be' something - whatever seems good, kind, and wise. i try to

figure out the answers and not 'feel' my feelings - like if i can come up with

the wise response i won't have to feel my true emotions - yes, this is all a

part of my path, it is in my highest good for this to have happened, all is

well..blah, blah, blah, and all the while i am sad, angry and despairing inside.

i'm afraid to feel anger. i'm afraid to be my sarcastic, sneering self, the one

my mom hated so much! (AHA!) i'm afraid to know just how judgemental i really am

so i talk about practising non-judgement as if i knew how to really do that. i

pretend i won't miss you as i write you off as my friend. i pretend that it was

you who betrayed me when i know it was really me who betrayed me. i try to be

supportive when you seem to be in crisis when i'm exhausted and i seem to be

barely coping myself. i never ask for your help. i pretend that i'm one who

doesn't need help. i pretend that i'm one who

doesn't see a problem 'cause after all i've heard kt say that its not possible

for a problem to exist, i numb out and carry on as if nothing is wrong and hope

it all will just 'pass', i get confused and i don't know if you really did what

i thought you did - i wonder how i should be feeling about this rather than get

in touch with my feelings or allow my feelings, my thoughts get all jumbled up

and i don't take the time to look at any of them because i'm scared to see them,

i don't feel complete, i lose my sense of humour, i take everything ohhhhsoooo

seriously! i don't share with you the only thing that i have - who i am in the

moment. i entertain stories of being alone and friendless if i am honest -

stories of being alienated and seen as odd and cold and selfish. i get a tight

frightened feeling in my stomach when yu say something 'nice' about me...shit,

now i have to live up to that story you have and i don't want to let you know me

any more than you already do'don't. i

isolate myself from the rest of the world and feel lonely. i think i have to

have answers for everyone and then i get resentful if people ask me for advice

and resentful if they don't...aarrrrggghh!. I share more with you than you want

to hear, i find any excuse to contact you, i tell you about my life when yo

haven't ask, i compliment you and your new partner, i am self-depreciating, i

reject myself before yo have the chance to do it, i pretend i don't care. i

pretend i care more than i do. i make commitments and then i panic, wanting to

cancel , wanting to hide so that i don't have to participate and be known. i

push down my 'negative' feelings and act super rational/logical and am not even

aware of them until i notice myself drinking gallons of red wine and then

explode in a rage like i did before christmas. i feel ashamed and guilty and

false. i feel crazy and like i havent learned a thing after all these years of

trying to figure it out and turn myself into a decent human

being, one others can like, respect and admire... .

4. out of your business. just noticing that you act out of your own integrity.

i wouldn't be blaming you and making myself a victim. able to say how i'm

feeling whether yo liked it or not. i wouldn't be afraid to contact you directly

when i really wanted to. i would love how i was showing up and i would be

accepting of my limitations and aware of my strengths. i would be grateful for

your presence in my life and what i've learned from it. i wouldn't believe that

your behavior is all about me...i wouldn't be manipulating you i'd just be me

and that would be ohso much more peaceful ...i would quit apologizing for myself

i would quit qualifying everything that i say and making sure that you knew that

i know that its all my projection so its all my stuff as i'm so subtly telling

yu how shitty i think you've been! i would quit moving into self-disclosure in

an attempt to avoid your critisim and rejection. Ah ha! so thats what that's

about! i would let yo be yourself instead of

trying to get you to be who i think i need you to be. jeez, i'd be here living

my life and enjoying everything that is here now. i might remember that its ok

just to be me...that it is enuf even should the whole world tell me that i am

falling short of their expectations...oh, silly me, i appear here as this

now...hhhmmmm.

ta. i don't need you to like me.

i need to like me.

i need to like you

i always have what i need.

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