Guest guest Posted July 21, 2005 Report Share Posted July 21, 2005 I have had a total mental overload dealing with my nada. she called my kids and said things, and my husband and told him he was the cause of all the problelms. I got into it withher when she brings thekids in. I know she is sick, I cant handle it right now, the thought of caregiving for her emotionallly is too much for me. she told my daughter I put her into a mental institution (it was a place to reorganize her drugs to get her more stable). she left messeges for my daughter saying if she did not call her back it was the end of their relationship. I hvae told my nada I cannot talk to her very much right now. she loves people being in charge, I said I cannot be. yesterday I did not go to work, I basically slept. I could not even read any self-help books, I just can't make the effort. the easiest thing is for me not to think about her because i feel swallowed up inside. she is better today and needs me in her life, but if I put distance I worry I will be the blame for something she does toherself out of her need for her only child. I dont really know right now how to feel about it all. I am just coasting and trying to get myself together. the few accusations I mentioned were a small lpart of yesterday's happenings. my kids say your mom is sick and she says things when she is upset. but I dont want to hear it anymore. I dont want to be accepting or cope with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 21, 2005 Report Share Posted July 21, 2005 How old is your daughter? Do you live close to nada? My daughter is now 15 and we live close to nada. To me, when a nada threatens a child directly like that, then it's time for stricter boundaries. This is tough to do at first b/c of all that FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) Since you're on overload at the moment then start out by ignoring her phone calls, etc. If she leaves a message just delete it. Somehow you need to tell nada that she is not allowed to talk to children like that and b/c she can't control her behavior with you and your family, you need to put more distance between her and your family until you feel comfortable letting her back in. You could even use your husband to tell her if he is willing. A true nada will make all kinds of threats including how she is going to do something to herself, but my therapist who specializes in BPD said that even therapists like her, when a borderline makes a threat like that, such as they are going to kill themselves, actually tells the borderline person to think about it for a few days and then call the therapist back, and in the mean time if it's a life threatening situation, to either go to the ER or call the police. So the therapist even puts distance. They know that more times than not the borderline is threatening and it's just being manipulative. Now there can possibly be times they can carry through with it, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. They are told to go to the ER or call the police for emergencies . Depends on if your nada directly makes those kinds of threats to you. If she does, tell her your family needs distance from her for a few months but that in the meantime, if she feels she is in a lifethreatening situation, to please go to the ER or call the police. You putting distance between her and your family does not mean you are out of her life. I don't know how much your kids understand about borderlines yet or how much you guys have talked about it. Yes, they are sick, but just becomes someone is sick does not mean it's okay for them to abuse you. Theresa > I have had a total mental overload dealing with my nada. she called > my kids and said things, and my husband and told him he was the cause > of all the problelms. I got into it withher when she brings thekids > in. > I know she is sick, I cant handle it right now, the thought of > caregiving for her emotionallly is too much for me. > she told my daughter I put her into a mental institution (it was a > place to reorganize her drugs to get her more stable). she left > messeges for my daughter saying if she did not call her back it was > the end of their relationship. > I hvae told my nada I cannot talk to her very much right now. she > loves people being in charge, I said I cannot be. yesterday I did not > go to work, I basically slept. I could not even read any self-help > books, I just can't make the effort. the easiest thing is for me not > to think about her because i feel swallowed up inside. > she is better today and needs me in her life, but if I put distance I > worry I will be the blame for something she does toherself out of her > need for her only child. > I dont really know right now how to feel about it all. I am just > coasting and trying to get myself together. > the few accusations I mentioned were a small lpart of yesterday's > happenings. my kids say your mom is sick and she says things when > she is upset. but I dont want to hear it anymore. > I dont want to be accepting or cope with it. > > > > > > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to: > http://www.BPDCentral.com > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 21, 2005 Report Share Posted July 21, 2005 Do you believe that no matter what you do, your nada is not going to be happy, that you can't do anything to change her situation? Or do you believe that someday, someway, you are going to make this all okay? Your nada needs something - but it isn't to have her only child at her beck and call. It isn't to be able to abuse her grandchildren. It seems to me that your nada is expecting much too much from you, and your family. This is understandable in the context of BPD. She doesn't know how to make herself feel better, so she is always looking to someone else for what she needs. Are you feeling torn between your family and your nada? I like to ask myself what I would expect of my grown children. And I know I certainly wouldn't call a grandchild and say the things your nada said. Maybe it is not self-help books that you need. What about setting some firm boundaries with your nada? What are the issues, and how do you want them to be handled? You have the right to expect certain behaviors from her - or else to make sure she cannot abuse you or your family. (For example, you could set a time and day for a 10 minute phone call.) My experiences with changing anything is that I have to break it into smaller pieces and work on a piece at a time. One of the pieces to work on should be caring enough about yourself to not let someone mistreat you. Being someone's mother DOES NOT entitle that person to mistreat their child and be excused for it. I hope you are feeling better now. It sounds like you have a very nice family. Getting unenmeshed from a nada is difficult, but it is well worth doing. Take care, Sylvia > I have had a total mental overload dealing with my nada. she called > my kids and said things, and my husband and told him he was the cause > of all the problelms. I got into it withher when she brings thekids > in. > I know she is sick, I cant handle it right now, the thought of > caregiving for her emotionallly is too much for me. > she told my daughter I put her into a mental institution (it was a > place to reorganize her drugs to get her more stable). she left > messeges for my daughter saying if she did not call her back it was > the end of their relationship. > I hvae told my nada I cannot talk to her very much right now. she > loves people being in charge, I said I cannot be. yesterday I did not > go to work, I basically slept. I could not even read any self-help > books, I just can't make the effort. the easiest thing is for me not > to think about her because i feel swallowed up inside. > she is better today and needs me in her life, but if I put distance I > worry I will be the blame for something she does toherself out of her > need for her only child. > I dont really know right now how to feel about it all. I am just > coasting and trying to get myself together. > the few accusations I mentioned were a small lpart of yesterday's > happenings. my kids say your mom is sick and she says things when > she is upset. but I dont want to hear it anymore. > I dont want to be accepting or cope with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 21, 2005 Report Share Posted July 21, 2005 I totally understand the overload...take time for yourself because you do deserve it and it will help you in the long run being able to care for yourself and your own kids because that's what's important. It's okay to not want to deal with anything right now. May I suggest you write your feelings down, what happened that pushed you over the edge and what you don't want to happen again, etc.. write it all down. This might take a few days if your exhausted. Put down what you won't put up w/ from Nada. and when you feel strong enough tell Nada what you aren't putting up with anymore. It's the putting up with that wears you down. After you confront Nada with this tear up the letter and throw it away! Even if you don't confront Nada it's ok. It helped me tremendously, to set some rules for my own protection/preservation. Although I know I don't know exactly what you've gone through or the extent of what Nada's done to put you in the position your in right now. My prayers and thoughts are with you. Faith > > > I have had a total mental overload dealing with my nada. she > called > > my kids and said things, and my husband and told him he was the > cause > > of all the problelms. I got into it withher when she brings > thekids > > in. > > I know she is sick, I cant handle it right now, the thought of > > caregiving for her emotionallly is too much for me. > > she told my daughter I put her into a mental institution (it was a > > place to reorganize her drugs to get her more stable). she left > > messeges for my daughter saying if she did not call her back it was > > the end of their relationship. > > I hvae told my nada I cannot talk to her very much right now. she > > loves people being in charge, I said I cannot be. yesterday I did > not > > go to work, I basically slept. I could not even read any self- help > > books, I just can't make the effort. the easiest thing is for me > not > > to think about her because i feel swallowed up inside. > > she is better today and needs me in her life, but if I put distance > I > > worry I will be the blame for something she does toherself out of > her > > need for her only child. > > I dont really know right now how to feel about it all. I am just > > coasting and trying to get myself together. > > the few accusations I mentioned were a small lpart of yesterday's > > happenings. my kids say your mom is sick and she says things when > > she is upset. but I dont want to hear it anymore. > > I dont want to be accepting or cope with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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