Maniuplation

[Guest guest]

In reading Carmen's post, I identify with the way adult children of

parents with BPD are manipulated so deftly that our heads spin until

we can't see straight anymore. We are bad, we can't assert

ourselves let alone think of ourselves and our best interest at all,

we can't even want a physically healthy life, let alone a life of

our own at all! The list goes on. It's outrageous. I ask myself

what the hook is for me, and it has always been to have a real

loving parent (just one of two BPDs, was that too much to ask?). I

have just about killed myself trying to find that love.

10 years ago, after I had divorced my parents for a long time,

because contact with them was so destructive to me and so bad for my

budding sense of self and self-esteem, my mother wanted to come and

see me where I lived. I thought that was a good idea so that I

could check back about some of the conclusions I had draws by

observing her, so I asked my therapist and we set up a series of

three meetings with my mother.

After the first meeting, my THERAPIST started crying and said, " You

don't have to go through with this; no one should have to work so

hard for love! " and I realized that working so hard for love was my

second nature, and how much I craved a love I never had, like a deep-

down soul-craving. It's easy to say I'll get that from myself now,

because I never got the resources for giving it to myself, which

would have been developed from early childhood experiences of

unconditional love. It's incredibly hard to do. I started to be

able to love myself during the long-term therapy I was in and the

model of a nurturing mother I got from my therapist, bless her heart.

I am recovering from a major breakdown now and I see these issues so

clearly and so poignantly. I know I am not alone. Thanks for being

there because your presence and stories help me immensely to recover

the nurturing aspects of myself after such devastation. I think I

really will recover from my recent breakdown, the only way I could

respond in an abusive relationship that replicated my childhood

abuse--I left therapy and where I was living at a vulnerable time,

so that I could pursue my career in a different place. I continued

therapy with someone else who didn't have a clue, and I got deeper

and deeper into a chaos in which I finally lost myself.

Well, I'm back. It's not easy, but somehow, I grew, behind

my own back! My vision is clear, not perfect, but pretty darn

good.

About illness: from the time I was 13, I soothed myself and managed

the overwhelming feelings I had resulting from the chaos and

onslaught of verbal, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse I

suffered--how did I manage? I smoked cigarettes. I used to open my

bathroom window, lock the door (no other doors had locks on them and

we weren't allowed to even close doors, even our bedroom doors,

except for the bathroom door. Even there, we were subject to

invasion.)

Well, I'm still young and I already have peripheral vascular disease

from smoking. On the one hand, it really did help me; on the other,

it destroyed my health. I think I will be OK because I am very pro-

active and once I put my mind to something I don't give up, and I

intend to heal from this. In my darkest moments, I think about how

my life--even my physical health--was ruined by the stress of

growing up in my family. But I'm not dead yet, so that can't be

exclusively true! There were moments, times that I cling to when I

think of the ruin of my childhood and all the consequences for me

that I had to find ways to recover from, of beauty and health (not

with my parents, but in my life).

--Therese

[Guest guest]

Therese,

I too think you are going to recover from your depression. You have

a very good understanding of why you have your health problems - and

I think that it is this kind of knowledge that can lead us to our

recovery. My very best wishes to your for this recovery.

Sy lvia

> In reading Carmen's post, I identify with the way adult children of

> parents with BPD are manipulated so deftly that our heads spin

until

> we can't see straight anymore. We are bad, we can't assert

> ourselves let alone think of ourselves and our best interest at

all,

> we can't even want a physically healthy life, let alone a life of

> our own at all! The list goes on. It's outrageous. I ask myself

> what the hook is for me, and it has always been to have a real

> loving parent (just one of two BPDs, was that too much to ask?). I

> have just about killed myself trying to find that love.

>

> 10 years ago, after I had divorced my parents for a long time,

> because contact with them was so destructive to me and so bad for

my

> budding sense of self and self-esteem, my mother wanted to come and

> see me where I lived. I thought that was a good idea so that I

> could check back about some of the conclusions I had draws by

> observing her, so I asked my therapist and we set up a series of

> three meetings with my mother.

>

> After the first meeting, my THERAPIST started crying and said, " You

> don't have to go through with this; no one should have to work so

> hard for love! " and I realized that working so hard for love was my

> second nature, and how much I craved a love I never had, like a

deep-

> down soul-craving. It's easy to say I'll get that from myself now,

> because I never got the resources for giving it to myself, which

> would have been developed from early childhood experiences of

> unconditional love. It's incredibly hard to do. I started to be

> able to love myself during the long-term therapy I was in and the

> model of a nurturing mother I got from my therapist, bless her

heart.

>

> I am recovering from a major breakdown now and I see these issues

so

> clearly and so poignantly. I know I am not alone. Thanks for

being

> there because your presence and stories help me immensely to

recover

> the nurturing aspects of myself after such devastation. I think I

> really will recover from my recent breakdown, the only way I could

> respond in an abusive relationship that replicated my childhood

> abuse--I left therapy and where I was living at a vulnerable time,

> so that I could pursue my career in a different place. I continued

> therapy with someone else who didn't have a clue, and I got deeper

> and deeper into a chaos in which I finally lost myself.

>

> Well, I'm back. It's not easy, but somehow, I grew, behind

> my own back! My vision is clear, not perfect, but pretty darn

> good.

>

> About illness: from the time I was 13, I soothed myself and managed

> the overwhelming feelings I had resulting from the chaos and

> onslaught of verbal, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse I

> suffered--how did I manage? I smoked cigarettes. I used to open

my

> bathroom window, lock the door (no other doors had locks on them

and

> we weren't allowed to even close doors, even our bedroom doors,

> except for the bathroom door. Even there, we were subject to

> invasion.)

>

> Well, I'm still young and I already have peripheral vascular

disease

> from smoking. On the one hand, it really did help me; on the

other,

> it destroyed my health. I think I will be OK because I am very pro-

> active and once I put my mind to something I don't give up, and I

> intend to heal from this. In my darkest moments, I think about how

> my life--even my physical health--was ruined by the stress of

> growing up in my family. But I'm not dead yet, so that can't be

> exclusively true! There were moments, times that I cling to when I

> think of the ruin of my childhood and all the consequences for me

> that I had to find ways to recover from, of beauty and health (not

> with my parents, but in my life).

>

> --Therese

[Guest guest]

> In reading Carmen's post, I identify with the way adult children of

> parents with BPD are manipulated so deftly that our heads spin until

> we can't see straight anymore.

Therese,

What a perfect description of my head after nada-interaction! I have

had spinning, chaotic thoughts for as long as I can remember, and only

since NC have had a quieter mind.