I am new...

[Guest guest]

I am new at doing this particular style of " work. " Would appreciate some help.

I should go over and see them.

1.. Yes

2.. No.

3.. I feel really guilty and bad about myself. Like I am a bad person. She

said I would be like a sister and I don't even go see them. She tried three

times to page me and have me go on the boat and the other one stopped me and

said to come over and talk that one day. I said okay, and then didn't go. I

feel like I let them down and am not a nice or good person. I think they are

saying bad things about me or thinking them. I let them down, I disappointed

them.

4.. I let myself down. I disappointed me.

I let myself down.

1.. Yes

2.. No.

3.. I am a bad person because I didn't do what I said I would and did not live

up to being a sister to her. What is the reality? It's too hard to do

everything and work and I could not do enough. I don't know that I really want

to be her sister. It feels like a burden. Too much responsibility to live up

to. Or am I afraid to matter?

4.. I didn't let myself down. That doesn't feel true. I am still holding

that story.

I am stuck. I still believe that story of letting someone, or myself down.

Need to follow that further. Peel it. See what's under it.

Looking for any feedback.

Thanks,

MCO

[Guest guest]

> I am new at doing this particular style of " work. " Would appreciate

> some help.

Hello, MCO. Welcome to the group.

> I should go over and see them.

>

>

>

> 1.. Yes

> 2.. No.

> 3.. I feel really guilty and bad about myself. Like I am a bad

> person. She said I would be like a sister and I don't even go see

> them. She tried three times to page me and have me go on the boat

> and the other one stopped me and said to come over and talk that one

> day. I said okay, and then didn't go. I feel like I let them down

> and am not a nice or good person. I think they are saying bad things

> about me or thinking them. I let them down, I disappointed them.

Here are some more questions that might help investigate the feelings

and thinking more deeply...

- Where do you feel the feelings in your body?

- Does the thought that " I should go over and see them " bring peace

or stress?

- What's the worst that could happen if I never have the thought

again? Whatever answer comes up, is it true?

- How do I treat myself when I believe the thought, " I should go over

and see them " ?

- What do I get out of holding this belief? What's the payoff?

- What does it cost me?

- Does holding this thought help me in any way?

- Can I hold onto this belief and have peace?

- Can I see a reason to drop the thought? (but don't try)

- Can I see a stress-free reason for keeping the thought?

> 4.. I let myself down. I disappointed me.

The fourth question is, " Who would you be without the thought, 'I

should go over and see them'? " If you were incapable of thinking or

believing that thought, who would you be in this moment?

How would you turn around the thought " I should go over and see them " ?

Some turn-arounds that come to mind for me:

- I *could* go over and see them (but I don't have to).

- They should come over and see me. (...if they want to)

- I should stay here and see myself. (am I being present to me? am I

giving me the attention I want?)

- I should stay here and see my thinking. (can I meet my thinking

with understanding in this moment?)

>

> I let myself down.

>

>

>

> 1.. Yes

> 2.. No.

> 3.. I am a bad person because I didn't do what I said I would and

> did not live up to being a sister to her. What is the reality? It's

> too hard to do everything and work and I could not do enough. I

> don't know that I really want to be her sister. It feels like a

> burden. Too much responsibility to live up to. Or am I afraid to

> matter?

The sub-questions listed above might help examine this one, too.

Here's the list again...

- Where do I feel it in my body?

- Does the thought, " I let myself down, " bring peace or stress into

my life?

- What's the worst that could happen if I never have the thought

again, and is that true?

- How do I treat myself when I believe that I let myself down?

- What do I get out of holding this belief? What's the payoff?

- What does it cost me?

- Does holding this thought that I let myself down help me in any

way?

- Can I hold onto this belief and have peace?

- Can I see a reason to drop the thought? (but don't try)

- Can I see a stress-free reason for keeping the thought?

> 4.. I didn't let myself down. That doesn't feel true. I am still

> holding that story.

So, who would you be if, in this moment, you were unable to think the

thought, " I let myself down " ? Who would you be if that thought had

never even crossed your mind?

How would you turn around the thought, " I let myself down " ? The

extreme opposite is one way. You already tried that one above. What

would some other turn-arounds be? A couple that occur to me are...

- I held myself up.

- My thinking let me down.

> I am stuck. I still believe that story of letting someone, or myself

> down. Need to follow that further. Peel it. See what's under it.

Yes, investigate. What are the underlying beliefs that support your

thinking about letting yourself down, or what you 'should' do?

Here are some of my underlying beliefs that I hold now or have held in

the past, that I found in your work. Thank you for giving me to

opportunity to spot them.

- I am a bad person.

- Other people expect things from me.

- If people are kind to me, I owe them.

- I disappoint the people around me.

- Other people talk about me negatively.

- Life is overwhelming.

- I can't keep up.

- Relationships are burdensome.

- It's hard for me to be sure what my motives are.

> Looking for any feedback.

Thank you for being here, and for sharing your work, MCO.

Right now, the belief from the list I made that has the strongest

charge for me is, " I can't keep up. " For investigation, I'm going to

state it as, " I should be able to keep up, and I can't. "

1 Is it true? Yes. Moving at a comfortable pace should be sufficient.

Life should not throw more at me than I can deal with in a 24 hour

day.

a What's the reality of it? Sometimes Life seems to deal out more

than will fit in the time available.

b Whose business is it how much Life deals out? God's. Not mine.

2 Can I absolutely know that it's true that I should be able to keep

up, when I can't? No, I can't know that for sure.

a Can I know what is best for the world's path? No.

for my own path? No.

b Can I know that I'd be happier if I managed to keep up all the

time? No.

f What do I think I would have if I managed to keep up all the time?

I'd never be late to an appointment. I'd never feel overwhelmed.

I'd always be calm and relaxed. I'd always be kind to everyone

around me. I'd be perfect!

3 How do I react when I think that thought, that I should be able to

keep up, when I can't? I feel frantic. I push myself to go faster.

My mind goes to a future where my inability to keep up has caused

all my friends to abandon me, my employer to fire me, my family to

leave me, and I'm all alone, a failure with nothing. I'm completely

absent, the opposite of present in the moment.

a Where do I feel it in my body? In my belly, in my shoulders,

tension, tightness, fear.

c Does this thought bring peace or stress into my life? stress, lots

of it.

d What's the worst that could happen if I never have the thought

again, and is that true? I'd just go at my own pace, getting

further and further behind until all the Bad Stuff I'm afraid of

happens. Is that true? Well, no. I notice that when I *have* moved

at my own pace, some stuff gets done and some doesn't, just like

when I push myself. If something truly important slips through the

cracks, Life just brings it back around to my attention again and I

deal with it. It seems that I can do it with tension and stress, or

I can do it with peace and gentleness.

h How do I treat myself when I believe that I should be able to keep

up and I can't? I pressure myself. I think of myself as weak and

unfocussed. I tell myself how inept and incapable I am. I treat

myself like a failure. I don't want to be with me.

i What do I get out of holding this belief? What's the payoff? I get

a goal to shoot for, an excuse for pressuring and beating myself. I

get to believe that my effort to keep up is oh-so-important. I get

to believe that what I do is important.

j What does it cost me? Being present to myself in this moment.

Peace. Ease.

k Does holding this thought help me in any way? No.

l Can I hold onto this belief and have peace? No.

m Can I see a reason to drop the thought? (but don't try) Yes -- I

would be more peaceful and comfortable without it.

n Can I see a stress-free reason for keeping the thought? No. The

only reason for keeping it would be if it made me keep up better,

but it doesn't, so I see no reason at all for keeping it.

4 Who am I without that thought? Just moving through my life at an

easy, comfortable pace, doing what comes to me to do. Present to

myself and my thinking. Enjoying the show.

5 Turn it around (to self, other, opposite, thinking, being willing,

looking forward)

- I should not be able to keep up. (if I'm not keeping up, that's

What Is.)

- My thinking should/should not be able to keep up. (my thinking does

what it does. Not up to me. If it keeps up, good, if it doesn't,

good.)

- Whether others should be able to keep up or not is not my business.

- I am willing to not be able to keep up.

- I look forward to not being able to keep up.

a Where do I experience this turnaround in my life now?

> when I'm having trouble understanding a technical discussion

because my thinking " can't keep up " , can I be present with

myself in my confusion and not beat myself up?

> when my list of things to do today is longer than I can possibly

fit into 24 hours, can I peacefully let some of it go?

> when I see others not keeping up, can I love them where they are?

b What can I do in this moment to begin living this turnaround?

> love myself in the midst of not keeping up.

> meet my confused thinking with understanding, whether it's

keeping up (and proud of itself) or not keeping up (and pissed

at itself)

Thank you for the spark, MCO.

Tom

[Guest guest]

Dear friend with a sister problem,

I am hearing that you feel compelled by some " rule " of relationships

to act in a certain way towards a family member.

You are doing fine but I would suggest you look at the " rules " like,

- Promises should be kept, expectations fulfilled

- Family has the right to demand attention from me

- My image as a good girl is more important than my well being

- Spending time with family is a requirement for goodness

- We should always be happy to be with our siblings

Ha! That last one makes me laugh, and I don't mean to be insensitive,

but I can hear 's words " on what planet?!! "

I'm also hearing from your work that you feel very uncomfortable with

realizing something about yourself that is going to require some

degree of being or behaving differently than you thought you were

going to be to your sister(s). And why does it feel like a

responsibility to be her sister? a burden? Is she difficult to be

with for you? That would be a great worksheet to do too.

All through it I feel a stress that you are forcing yourself to meet

someone else's expectations. What do you have to lose or gain if you

don't. Make a list.

And give yourself permission to do some uncensored, let-it-all-out

work on your sisters if that's what will help. All judgements are

gifts for us to use to find the truth within.

Love,

L.

> I am new at doing this particular style of " work. " Would

appreciate some help.

>

>

>

> I should go over and see them.

>

>

>

> 1.. Yes

> 2.. No.

> 3.. I feel really guilty and bad about myself. Like I am a bad

person. She said I would be like a sister and I don't even go see

them. She tried three times to page me and have me go on the boat

and the other one stopped me and said to come over and talk that one

day. I said okay, and then didn't go. I feel like I let them down

and am not a nice or good person. I think they are saying bad things

about me or thinking them. I let them down, I disappointed them.

> 4.. I let myself down. I disappointed me.

>

>

> I let myself down.

>

>

>

> 1.. Yes

> 2.. No.

> 3.. I am a bad person because I didn't do what I said I would and

did not live up to being a sister to her. What is the reality? It's

too hard to do everything and work and I could not do enough. I

don't know that I really want to be her sister. It feels like a

burden. Too much responsibility to live up to. Or am I afraid to

matter?

> 4.. I didn't let myself down. That doesn't feel true. I am

still holding that story.

>

>

> I am stuck. I still believe that story of letting someone, or

myself down. Need to follow that further. Peel it. See what's under

it.

>

>

>

> Looking for any feedback.

>

>

>

> Thanks,

>

>

>

> MCO

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you, Tom. You have given much to think about and work with. I am

grateful.

MCO

[Guest guest]

,

Thank you for the helpful feedback. Perhaps I need to clarify a bit more. The

person is not my sister. She has said that if she had a sister she would like

her to be me. That is why I think it feels like a burden to me.

I appreciate your insights. It is definietly an old story for me of meeting

expectations. And being fearful of what happens if I don't. Abandonment and

other deep seated lefotover childhood stories.

I will work with some of Tom's and your suggestions. Thank you for the time and

feedback.

regards,

MCO

[Guest guest]

Dear MCO,

(how do you pronounce that? ;-)

Can there be too much help?

> I am new at doing this particular style of " work. " Would appreciate

> some help.

>

> I should go over and see them.

>

> 1.. Yes

> 2.. No.

> 3.. I feel really guilty and bad about myself. Like I am a bad

> person. She said I would be like a sister and I don't even go see

> them. She tried three times to page me and have me go on the boat and

> the other one stopped me and said to come over and talk that one day.

> I said okay, and then didn't go. I feel like I let them down and am

> not a nice or good person. I think they are saying bad things about

> me or thinking them. I let them down, I disappointed them.

> 4.. I let myself down. I disappointed me.

>

>

> I let myself down.

>

> 1.. Yes

> 2.. No.

> 3.. I am a bad person because I didn't do what I said I would and

> did not live up to being a sister to her. What is the reality? It's

> too hard to do everything and work and I could not do enough. I don't

> know that I really want to be her sister. It feels like a burden. Too

> much responsibility to live up to. Or am I afraid to matter?

> 4.. I didn't let myself down. That doesn't feel true. I am still

> holding that story.

>

>

> I am stuck.

Yes, you can tell.

> I still believe that story of letting someone, or myself down. Need

> to follow that further. Peel it. See what's under it.

If you are new, try to start with doing the work on others. Like " They

should not bother me " , for instance - Look for your evidence that they

do. Investigate the evedence, too.

They invite you to come, because they like you, don't they? You are

like a sister to her? Does a sister always have time? I a sister always

restless, never tired? What is the burden?

You don't know if you really want to be her sister. On the same time

you are afraid they will not like you anymore if you don't do what you

think they expect from you...

Sounds like there is a war going on, and you are on both sides...

> Looking for any feedback.

>

> Thanks,

>

> MCO

Love,

[Guest guest]

,

Thanks for your feedback. There is definitely a war going on. Well, maybe just

a conflict. It is a familair one, yet not one I want to continue.

You, as well as others on this wonderful list, have given me much to think about

and work with. I am appreciative and grateful.

And that's my story!

regards,

MCO