Re: New Here...my story.

July 9, 2005

I started responding to your message and realized I was writing an

autobiography.

It all boils down to the fact that the similarities in your story and mine

are numerous.

For 44 years I have given in to the emotional and things blackmail. Bottom

line this year I finally decided that no matter what I do I may never get

the things my grandmother promised me when my mother dies or the things that

I have asked for. Over and over throughout my life when she was in a mood

she would give away my possessions. Generally things my grandmother (her

mother) or my father had given me. I have only one book left from my

childhood and I have no idea how I managed to save that. Books were my

escape and salvation growing up with her.

We were originally from NYC and moved several times growing up finally to

Southern Il. She moved on to WI and I refused to go with her. She moved to

VA several years ago.

I still live in IL now near my in laws and my husbands cousins. I wanted

our children to have normal relationships with relatives.

My brother moved to CO to be near his wife's family and my sister lives in

CT about an hour from her husband's mother.

This baffles my mother and infuriates her no end. It's not fair that others

get to see her grandchildren more then she!

She kept wanting us to move to VA and would send all sorts of packets of

info on businesses in my husband's major. Now she would just be happy if we

moved to Chicago or another major city so it would be easier for her to

visit.

Plus the fact that we live in a small farming community and there is no

" intellectual stimulation " . The woman is nothing if not a snob. If you

don't have three degrees don't expect the time of day from her.

I used to try to stay on her good side no matter what it was doing to me

inside because I wanted to make sure I got the things my grandmother had

promised me. Now it's water under the bridge. Even if I gave her

everything she wanted it wouldn't be enough and it wouldn't guarantee I

would get my grandmother's pieces. It's their way of keeping you on the

line so they are not abandoned.

I say it's more important to have a happy and healthy relationship with your

husband and daughter then what ever monetary or physical thing she could

ever leave you. What I will always have are the memories of the time I

spent with both my grandmother and my father being happy. The best legacy I

have of both of them are the happy memories of times spent in their company.

July 10, 2005

Hi Kirsten,

Welcome to ModOasis. My nada isn't one for talking about

inheritances. Other than their house, I don't think there is much of

an inheritance, either. But certainly, the discussion of being

disinherited is a method of trying to control you and get you to do

what she wants. The idea of the three of you moving into the storage

area is absurd. Nadas have no grasp on reality or on how anything

affects others. All they understand is the great need they have, and

will go to all lengths to feel better.

I think it is great that you know about BPD, and I can totally

understand the wish to be around a normal family unit. Without any

inheritance, you and your husband can build your own future -

financial and otherwise. If it will be difficult for you to lose

your family home, I hope you will consider that what you are being

asked to do in order to keep the home is not worth it at alll.

Take care,

Sylvia

> I am Kirsten, 30 yrs old, married 10 yrs, a 12 month old daughter.

> I always knew that something was " crazy and wacked " about my

mother,

> but until I seriously started investigating personality disorders

> after her latest outburst of insanity, I had only casually studied

> BPD (I majored in Psychology). I can't believe there are actually

> people in the world who understand what I went through as a child

> and becoming an adult! I always tell people, if it hadn't been for

> my Dad, who was the most wonderful, loving person I've ever known,

> I'd probably have been the " bad, evil child " my mother always

> claimed I was. So many things that I've experienced in the past

> fall right in line with the experiences of other Non's (like my mom

> telling me I couldn't go to a Valentine party in 6th grade because

I

> was a " slut " and would come home pregnant. I had to look up " slut "

> in the dictionary). I've always been passive when it comes to my

> mom, not because I think what she says is right, but because I

> learned long ago that nothing I say will help. The best thing to

do

> is to look straight into her eyes, nod, and scream silently to

> yourself. This last week though, my mom has started teetering on

> the dark edge of true insanity.

>

> Here's the situation in a nutshell. My mother lives in AR. I grew

> up there, went to college where I met and married a man from IL.

My

> mom wasn't keen on this, but she hates everyone so no suprise.

> After college, we moved to WI (sort of on a whim because I told

> hubby I couldn't live around mom). We love WI, but all his family

> is in IL and I would like my daughter to grow up knowing her

> extended family (about 50 people) I haven't told my mom that we are

> moving to IL when he finds a job. My Dad died about 2 years ago,

> and since then things have gone down since then. I call my mom

once

> a week and she constantly berates me for living in WI and

> is " insistant " that I move back down to AR " where my home is " . NO

> CHANCE IN HELL!! My dad built the house that she lives in and it

is

> very nice. Unfortunately, I really have no wish to move into it

> when my mom is old so it would be sold (I haven't mentioned this I

> told her we would use it for a vacation home). She is insisting

> that my family move into the 2 story storage building on the

> property (my dad built it and its nice for a storage building and

> looks like a little house on the outside, but no water, heat,

> insulation, only 2 little rooms, etc etc.) If I don't, she will

> sign the house over to charity instead of willing it to me--she

> says " If you don't use it, you could lose it " and " I'm not

financing

> WI or IL " " We live in AR, your home base is HERE! " . (I have a

> brother but he has Asperger's and could not live on his own, she is

> codependent with him). Anyone had this happen about the cutting

> them out of the will? She's never acted out on these rages before,

> but she REALLY wants me to move into her storage building.

>

> Thanks for listening to my rant...I've never found people who

> understand before..

July 10, 2005

Hi, thanks, I know I have to look at it as it's only material and,

no, it is definitely not worth going to AR for.

> Hi Kirsten,

>

> Welcome to ModOasis. My nada isn't one for talking about

> inheritances. Other than their house, I don't think there is much

of

> an inheritance, either. But certainly, the discussion of being

> disinherited is a method of trying to control you and get you to

do

> what she wants. The idea of the three of you moving into the

storage

> area is absurd. Nadas have no grasp on reality or on how anything

> affects others. All they understand is the great need they have,

and

> will go to all lengths to feel better.

>

> I think it is great that you know about BPD, and I can totally

> understand the wish to be around a normal family unit. Without

any

> inheritance, you and your husband can build your own future -

> financial and otherwise. If it will be difficult for you to lose

> your family home, I hope you will consider that what you are being

> asked to do in order to keep the home is not worth it at alll.

>

> Take care,

>

> Sylvia

>

...

July 10, 2005

Thank you for your response. Wow, your mother sounds very similar

to mine. I, too, escaped my mother and reality by reading. My

mother used to berate me for reading fiction/fantasy books. I was

also very close to my father and grandmother. May I ask where in IL

you live? My husband's family is also from a small farming

community...Marshall, IL.

> I started responding to your message and realized I was writing an

> autobiography.

> It all boils down to the fact that the similarities in your story

and mine

> are numerous.

> For 44 years I have given in to the emotional and things

blackmail. Bottom

> line this year I finally decided that no matter what I do I may

never get

> the things my grandmother promised me when my mother dies or the

things that

> I have asked for. Over and over throughout my life when she was

in a mood

> she would give away my possessions. Generally things my

grandmother (her

> mother) or my father had given me. I have only one book left from

my

> childhood and I have no idea how I managed to save that. Books

were my

> escape and salvation growing up with her.

> We were originally from NYC and moved several times growing up

finally to

> Southern Il. She moved on to WI and I refused to go with her. She

moved to

> VA several years ago.

> I still live in IL now near my in laws and my husbands cousins. I

wanted

> our children to have normal relationships with relatives.

> My brother moved to CO to be near his wife's family and my sister

lives in

> CT about an hour from her husband's mother.

> This baffles my mother and infuriates her no end. It's not fair

that others

> get to see her grandchildren more then she!

> She kept wanting us to move to VA and would send all sorts of

packets of

> info on businesses in my husband's major. Now she would just be

happy if we

> moved to Chicago or another major city so it would be easier for

her to

> visit.

> Plus the fact that we live in a small farming community and there

is no

> " intellectual stimulation " . The woman is nothing if not a snob.

If you

> don't have three degrees don't expect the time of day from her.

> I used to try to stay on her good side no matter what it was doing

to me

> inside because I wanted to make sure I got the things my

grandmother had

> promised me. Now it's water under the bridge. Even if I gave her

> everything she wanted it wouldn't be enough and it wouldn't

guarantee I

> would get my grandmother's pieces. It's their way of keeping you

on the

> line so they are not abandoned.

> I say it's more important to have a happy and healthy relationship

with your

> husband and daughter then what ever monetary or physical thing she

could

> ever leave you. What I will always have are the memories of the

time I

> spent with both my grandmother and my father being happy. The

best legacy I

> have of both of them are the happy memories of times spent in

their company.

July 12, 2005

LOL no book is worth the time unless it's an intellectual tome. And while I

have no problem reading books on all sorts of subject matters I did use

fantasy and fiction to escape far from the reality of my life and got

blasted about it all the time. I had a small cubbyhole that was built into

the

closet in my bedroom where I kept a flashlight, pillows and my favorite

books.

We live about 50 miles southwest of Marshall between Effingham and Altamont.

Good luck with your husband finding a job.

July 12, 2005

Hi ,

As my " heroes " (LOL) Beavis and Butthead, would say, " Many nadas are

alike. " It's almost as if they are one continuous being that sucks

the life out of every KO. Nadas like control. And they love to flaunt

money, houses, inheritances, wills, etc. to control their KO. Mine

loves to " buy " my " love. " She is always generous with monetary gifts

and even asks me if my DH thinks that she is buying his love. My nada

loves to disinherit me. I think she's done it about 3 times at least

now. And one of her favorite phrases is, " Someday, this house will no

longer be here. "

I have not seen nada since 1998 when she threw me and DH out of her

house. And I have minimal phone contact with her, due to recent

events (car accident, spinal stress fracture/osteoporosis) and I can't

avoid phone contact with her b/c my developmentally disabled brother

lives with her and I am his legal guardian after she croaks.

I " walk on eggshells " , as Randi would say, when I talk to her on the

phone. I know that if I try to talk to her truthfully, she will just

hang up, b/c she is a very low-functioning borderline. And, the truth

is, that I don't want to lose my inheritance. I feel that she and my

fada abused me (physically and emotionally) when I was growing up.

And I grew up into a very messed up adult who does not function well

in the outside work world, and is not good at making money....So, to

me, my inheritance is " payback " time for the abuse. (SICK, huh!)

But, the truth is, it would be nice if she disinherited me, croaked

and I never had to deal with the big mess when she dies. Just think,

having to sell the house, get rid of her possessions, deal with where

my brother will live, etc. It seems like it will be so horrible. The

only good thing to come out of it is that she will finally be dead and

gone.

So, my point is, it may be better to tell nada to take her shed of a

house and shove it. (pardon me here, slap slap Lula, bad Lula (LOL)

With the house, the shed, the inheritance and all the BS, comes a lot

of grief and a lost life (ours). Be happy, far far away from Oz. And

if your DH's extended family is loving, soak it all up and enjoy your

blessing.

Hugs,

Lula

> I am Kirsten, 30 yrs old, married 10 yrs, a 12 month old daughter.

> I always knew that something was " crazy and wacked " about my mother,