Re: Are nadas prone to moan?

[Guest guest]

This is not a behavior that I experienced with my nada. I can

understand, though, how upsetting this has to be to watch/hear it.

And the fact that she does this for so many reasons makes me think

that this is her way of dealing with abandonment and her own feelings

of inadequacy. Unfortunately, there isn't anything you can do -

because of her BPD - she really needs the help of a therapist who

works with BPs to deal with this. Doubly unfortunately, she probably

doesn't think she needs any help.

I don't think you are cold and unfeeling. Listen to your feelings,

however, because they are telling you something. Your nada is taking

advantage of you, even if she isn't aware that she is doing it. To

set boundaries in this, understand that the boundaries are to protect

you, and not to change nada (someone else just recently posted this

very wise statement). Decide what you want to do when you nada

starts behaving this way, tell her what you are going to do (if you

think that is needed), and then do it. (ie, nada, I know that when

you start to remember some things, you get very sad and then cry for

a very long time. I am sorry that so many things still make you so

sad. I also get upset, because I want to help, but there is nothing

that I can do. When this happens again, I am going to ........).

Take care,

Sylvia

> Since I was pretty young I remember being the one comforting my

nada

> when she was upset. If she was upset and wasn't screaming at me or

> the one " to blame " , or schemeing to me from behind the elusive

glass

> of the car or walls of our house, she was crying. She would think

of

> her dad who passed away about 17 years ago now, or about how she

> always wanted the best for me and my brother, or how mean my dad

was

> to her and almost as instantly as she brought up a subject the

tears

> would start pouring out. Sometimes it was more of a controlled

> whimper but at nights I remember her moaning for what seemed like

> hours. There are some nights that I swear I hear her crying and

> moaning but really its just me being paranoid and dillusional - I

> mean I was in a different city. About a year and 8 months ago her

> boyfriend whom she loved dearly and dated for almost six years died

> of a massive heart attack. She mentions him usually multiple times

a

> day. Last night she was drinking a bit and began talking/ thinking

> about him and started sobbing and moaning, curled into the fetal

> postition and continued in this manner for almost an hour.

>

> I always hated her easily shed tears and to my regret learned to

bury

> my emotions. I don't cry unless she hits that nerve in me. Anyway

> as I was sitting with her last night I felt so numb and unmoved and

> even resentment for forcing me into the situation. She was so loud

> that if I wouldn't have come that would have made me satan's

partner

> in crime- giving truth to her words that no one on earth cares

about

> her. She loved him and he died - but wasn't this a bit of a

> spectacle? Am I being cold to natural, normal reactions or how can

I

> better deal with the situation? Are many nada's overly prone to

> tears and excessive noises when they cry? It's just that I don't

> know how and when to set boundaries.

[Guest guest]

Eeeeew. I wish I didn't know how you felt, but I do. I am so tired

of my moms crying that it has become a HUGE trigger for me.

I have become very stong in my boundries as of late, almost cold and

when she attempted to break them down by crying I flipped out. It

was rather funny because when she started sniffling, I told

her " Don't do that okay? " ....She actually stopped!! Her voice went

back to mean and sarsastic. Eeeew. If that wasn't a manipulative

tool then I don't know what was.

I also feel like I have lost my sensitive side. I am so confused

about how to feel that I seek validation from husband, best friend

and counselor on every feeling that I have. I want permission to

hate my mom and have no contact with her even though she is behaving

within my rules set. I almost want her to go back to her old self

just one last time so that that can be really it this

time....Counselor says that's very passive agressive and that if I

don't want to see her or talk to then then I just shouldn't. Easier

said than done.

I know this sounds cold, but we'll see if I get back my ability to

cry when I'm at her funeral....Wish me luck

You hang in there. I know exactly how you're feeling. You are so

burned out from experiencing HER feelings, that you have NO IDEA now

how to deal with your own....(Hell, I don't even know if I'm

entitled to feel for myself)

I wish you wonderful peace,

> Since I was pretty young I remember being the one comforting my

nada

> when she was upset. If she was upset and wasn't screaming at me or

> the one " to blame " , or schemeing to me from behind the elusive

glass

> of the car or walls of our house, she was crying. She would think

of

> her dad who passed away about 17 years ago now, or about how she

> always wanted the best for me and my brother, or how mean my dad

was

> to her and almost as instantly as she brought up a subject the

tears

> would start pouring out. Sometimes it was more of a controlled

> whimper but at nights I remember her moaning for what seemed like

> hours. There are some nights that I swear I hear her crying and

> moaning but really its just me being paranoid and dillusional - I

> mean I was in a different city. About a year and 8 months ago her

> boyfriend whom she loved dearly and dated for almost six years

died

> of a massive heart attack. She mentions him usually multiple

times a

> day. Last night she was drinking a bit and began talking/

thinking

> about him and started sobbing and moaning, curled into the fetal

> postition and continued in this manner for almost an hour.

>

> I always hated her easily shed tears and to my regret learned to

bury

> my emotions. I don't cry unless she hits that nerve in me.

Anyway

> as I was sitting with her last night I felt so numb and unmoved

and

> even resentment for forcing me into the situation. She was so

loud

> that if I wouldn't have come that would have made me satan's

partner

> in crime- giving truth to her words that no one on earth cares

about

> her. She loved him and he died - but wasn't this a bit of a

> spectacle? Am I being cold to natural, normal reactions or how

can I

> better deal with the situation? Are many nada's overly prone to

> tears and excessive noises when they cry? It's just that I don't

> know how and when to set boundaries.

[Guest guest]

I know what you mean... my mother could turn those tears on as fast as

she culd turn them off. It seems like that is all she ever did was

cry...actually sob and wail. I got to the point I would just look at

her with this look that said " are you done yet? " I know it looked bad

to others, but after awhile I didn't care. I don't think you are being

too cold, you are just being realistic. I'm a very empathetic person..

I'm a social worker... but nada wore out my sympathy after awhile with

the big empty tears. It's okay to get tired of it, after all, we are

only human!!

-Laurie

[Guest guest]

My mother excels in the waterworks department, too. I just roll my

eyes whens she starts crying, with her mouth hanging open. I have

never seen anyone so prone to self-pity. If you want to attend a huge

pity party, come on over to my nada's place.

It's part of the mental illness -- a ploy to get sympathy and to make

the rest of us look bad. Don't buy into it.

Miki

> I know what you mean... my mother could turn those tears on as fast

as

> she culd turn them off. It seems like that is all she ever did was

> cry...actually sob and wail. I got to the point I would just look at

> her with this look that said " are you done yet? " I know it looked bad

> to others, but after awhile I didn't care. I don't think you are

being

> too cold, you are just being realistic. I'm a very empathetic

person..

> I'm a social worker... but nada wore out my sympathy after awhile

with

> the big empty tears. It's okay to get tired of it, after all, we are

> only human!!

>

> -Laurie