Wow !

[Guest guest]

So much of what you said really struck home with me also!

First there was the " generalized fear " that you described which is a

state that I find myself in quite a bit. I call it fear of the

unknown

where nada is concerned because even though I know that it's

inevitable that she will eventually cause me pain, I don't know any

of

the details...what will trigger the episode, what the nature of the

pain will be, when it will occur, etc. It does tend to keep me in a

state of anxiety and then anger because I can't rid myself of this

anxiety.

And then there was the dealing with your rebellious nature and

accepting the numerous shades of gray that make up life. It took me

many years of being on my own (living 3000 miles away from nada) to

incorporate and accept (okay so I'm still working on that part!) all

the pieces that make up me and then being courageous enough to expose

ALL of these pieces to the world!

I remember once being in one of those " team building " seminars with

all of my co-workers and having to take a personality test. Everyone

in the room was shocked at some of the characteristics that showed up

in my results, commenting " Wow! I never would have guessed that about

you! You don't seem like that kind of a person at all! " It served as

a big awareness slap that " geez I'm still acting like someone I'm

not...time to stop! "

I also remember once when I was a senior in high school that a bunch

of my friends banded together to have a talk with nada. They were

sick

of watching her accuse me of all sorts of terrible behavior and

couldn't understand how she could possibly miss seeing " the real me. "

It was a sweet thought, but of course it backfired...nada was furious

that my friends had insight into how she treated me along with of

course the fact that I must have told them MANY, MANY lies because of

course they had the wrong impression.

Thanks for sharing,

Lynne

[Guest guest]

Hi Lynne,

I've been away for a week or so , and just now getting caught up.

I'm so glad you felt a connection. I can really relate to your

stories, too!

I've had many very similar experiences to the " personality test at

work " story you told; where my colleagues were astonished by my

results. But those were all at least 5 years ago. As it happens, we

did one of these at my current job last week and nobody was surprised

by my results! So I guess I've slowly learned to " be " in a way

that's more attuned to my " true self " :-) I know I still have a long

way to go, but it's nice to have some outside validation that I'm

getting somewhere.

I have also been raged at by my Nada whenever some misguided friend

with good intentions confronted her about the way she treated me. It

didn't happen often, because my Nada was an extremely high-

functioning Queen most of her life, and mostly did a great job of

fooling people; making herself look like Saint Supermom, and me look

like a pathetic, ungrateful loser. But as she got older and it got

harder for her to hold it together, occasionally she'd slip. I

remember before my wedding one of my friends really laid into Nada in

front of a roomful of people about how rude and disrespectful she was

to me. Nada was still punishing me for " making my friend humiliate

her in public with a bunch of vicious lies " right up til the day she

died 10 years later.

Hugs,

--- " cookie94025 " <lynne@a...> wrote:

> So much of what you said really struck home with me also!

>

> First there was the " generalized fear " that you described which is

a

> state that I find myself in quite a bit. I call it fear of the

> unknown

> where nada is concerned because even though I know that it's

> inevitable that she will eventually cause me pain, I don't know any

> of

> the details...what will trigger the episode, what the nature of the

> pain will be, when it will occur, etc. It does tend to keep me in a

> state of anxiety and then anger because I can't rid myself of this

> anxiety.

>

> And then there was the dealing with your rebellious nature and

> accepting the numerous shades of gray that make up life. It took me

> many years of being on my own (living 3000 miles away from nada) to

> incorporate and accept (okay so I'm still working on that part!)

all

> the pieces that make up me and then being courageous enough to

expose

> ALL of these pieces to the world!

>

> I remember once being in one of those " team building " seminars with

> all of my co-workers and having to take a personality test.

Everyone

> in the room was shocked at some of the characteristics that showed

up

> in my results, commenting " Wow! I never would have guessed that

about

> you! You don't seem like that kind of a person at all! " It served

as

> a big awareness slap that " geez I'm still acting like someone I'm

> not...time to stop! "

>

> I also remember once when I was a senior in high school that a

bunch

> of my friends banded together to have a talk with nada. They were

> sick

> of watching her accuse me of all sorts of terrible behavior and

> couldn't understand how she could possibly miss seeing " the real

me. "

> It was a sweet thought, but of course it backfired...nada was

furious

> that my friends had insight into how she treated me along with of

> course the fact that I must have told them MANY, MANY lies because

of

> course they had the wrong impression.

>

> Thanks for sharing,

> Lynne