Re: Spouse's being supportive

[Guest guest]

Hi Di

May I pop into your e-mail to Deanna? Here are some thoughts to consider.

Perhaps your husband is simply preoccupied with the problems he is having at

work. It is so easy to fall into the trap of thinking that any type of

negative feelings that our partners display is a reflection of how they feel

about us. We already feel angry with ourselves for not being " productive "

and not bringing a paycheck home as part of our contribution to the family.

I believe this is called projection if I remember my psych 101 correctly.

Long ago I learned about something called " I " statements and have found them

to be very affective.

This is one affective way to express yourself. Here it is:

I feel ____ and I need you to ___. IE I feel hurt when you don't hug and

kiss me when you get home from work like you used to and I need you to hug

and kiss me when you get home each day.

I feel angry when you don't confide in me like you did before I got sick and

I need you to share your work problems like you used to.

I feel happy when you call me from work just to say Hi and I need you to

continue doing that because it helps with the loneliness I feel.

It is funny how often we assume our friends and family should know what our

needs are. Guys especially need for us to be specific. Men are problem

solvers and if we don't tell them what the problem is they cannot solve it

or help solve it.

I hope this helps.

Kaylene

>He is still supportive in that he does a lot of the big chores that I

>can't do, without being asked or complaining about it. So I still

>consider myself very lucky.

>

>But I'm very lonely these days.

>Di

>

>

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[Guest guest]

Well I don't wish to put a dark shadow with my posting but I am besides

myself.

I AM VERY SAD AND I realized yesterday that my pride and ego are very much

involved. My spouse and I are having to move out of our rented home which has

been our HOME for 10 years. It has finally come to a culmanation of 20 years

of incompatiblity between my husband and I.

I wont go into a big book here because it doesnt really matter.

I am now 63 years old and I have been married to a man 16 years my Junior

for almost 19 years. In that time we lost a home, filed a bankruptcy and many

other instances that show how ill equipped we both are for handling our

finances.

So in this period of time I have had many problems with my joints, discs,

cervical and lumbar fusion and laminations,Joint replacement of rgt. thumb and

now I am awaiting the surgery on the left thumb joint. I have been under the

care of a pain management group that has helped me to be able to stay somewhat

mobile. I have a spinal cord stimulator that helps during times that my pain

medications dont cut it enough. I take methadone and this stuff for a recovering

Alcoholic is not the best thing. I have set it up with my spouse to dispense my

daily meds and I wanted it this way as I know that I get less accusations from

him of being a DRUG ADDICT, he still manages to call me amongst his primo names

a DRUG ADDict, he knows what buttons to push. Oh I have also had carpal tunnel

surgery and one surgery on the left middle finger got infected and I was in the

hospital in utter pain and they kept me on morphine really doped up.

There was also a surgery on my left foot, a crack in the heel bone that

evidently occured from running with improper shoes. I have had a number of

surgeries. My spouse forgets that I am not exactly in the best of shape, and in

pain off and on in varying degrees, sometimes so utterly miserable that I fall

into bed!!!

Well here is the crux of the whole issue here. My spouse has huge

resentments of me. He constantly attacks me about almost evedrything. He tells

me I am inept, that I cannot do this and that correctly, he blames me for every

problem we evder have or had. I am convinced that his constant barrage of verbal

attacks have contributed to my issues of pain problems and the extent of the

ongoing pain. I notice the back tightening up and the spasms really increase

when he is in one of his verbal abuses, I have been in therapy off and on since

I was in my early 20's. My spouse and I tried some joint therapy but I could

see from the onset that he was not revealing himself as his true

character... just putting on the mask as he always does with others.

I wish someone could suggest to me a group or some websites with dialogue

exchanges that could help me to rebuild my self-worth and self estreem. I am 63

he is 48. I went back to college right after we married and managed to get a

Bachelors Degree with the intent of also getting a Masters, in some type of

interactive counseling area, not sure now what I would be best at. I have no

real income of my own except my Soc. Security check of $400.00

Can someone in this group help me??

Thank you, Alice

wseone56@...

[Guest guest]

Hello Alice

No one deserves to be their spouse's verbal punching bag. I believe it would

be very wise to contact your local domestic violence group. They should be

able to give you a safe place if you need it and ongoing counseling. If you

are not currently going to A.A. meetings you might want to check into it.

If you cannot find it in your telephone book the local police department can

give you the number.

I truly believe you will feel better in the long run. Your social security

check might increase after your divorce. You might wish to contact them and

see. Also contact Public Assistance to see what kind of help you qualify

for.

I strongly recommend filing first for the divorce. He/She who files first

wins.

Good luck

Kaylene

.. I have no

>real income of my own except my Soc. Security check of $400.00

>

>Can someone in this group help me??

>

>Thank you, Alice

>wseone56@...

>

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[Guest guest]

Sorry, Alice, I'm in the same position, except, more support $750 and a 13

yr old to rear. Mine wasn't verbally abusive, the sicker I got and less I could

do for him and the home the more distant he became at the same time telling me

he loved me and this was our family, we'd make it thru and at the same time he

had signed up with a dating chat room and replaced me. Yours sounds like the

narcissist mine is. I wonder how many women and how many men find themselves

left when they get sick. And is there ever again true love for the chronically

ill? Thinking some more, Pam

Alice (wseone56@...) wrote:

Well I don't wish to put a dark shadow with my posting but I am besides

myself.

I AM VERY SAD AND I realized yesterday that my pride and ego are very much

involved. My spouse and I are having to move out of our rented home which has

been our HOME for 10 years. It has finally come to a culmanation of 20 years

of incompatiblity between my husband and I.

[Guest guest]

Pam,

I have a son who has type 1 diabetes. Then I found out I had this crappy

disease which will someday paralyze me, whether I like it or not and there isn't

a darn thing anyone can do right now for either my son or I. When my son was

diagnosed the doctor told us the divorce rate was 50% higher than the average

with a child with a chronic illness (well, since the average is almost 50% -

that's great) and then when I became ill, I was determined that my marriage was

going to end probably.

So far we have stuck it out. It is hard, and I really think the only thing that

saved us was when my husband (finally) before my surgery broke down and told me

how horrible he felt because he could not help either of us, and how helpless he

felt. Up until then I thought he was distant and headed out the door. Take

care. It is hard and I give you so much credit for raising a child with a

chronic illness on your own. I don't think I could ever do it.

[Guest guest]

Hello: Thanks for your response. I hope my Husband stays faithful, for one

thing he cant afford another woman right now and I dont know what could happen

in the future. If he left me I would get at least $2,000 spousal support, so

far I am unable to hold down a job, but after our moving (yes that is going on,

so if you try to email me for the next two weeks(moving finally on July

18.2004. More about that another time.

I am older than he is, but I am told I look 15 or more years younger than I

am/.The problem though he is resentful of all the things I am unable to do a

lot of times. I have had several surgeries in the time we have been married. I

recently lost 50 lbs.,but it has started inching up now. I will get back to

the Y after we have moved. My back feels much better with the weight loss.. Of

course I look beter and I was told looked younger.

Well I am really sorry that you happen to get the rotten apple from the

tree.

Keep in touch. I will be moving to another place on July 18..for a while but

will keep you in my Address book. Feel free to write me individually if

you like. Sincerely, Alice

wseone56@...

Torrance, CA. USA ( ps., please send me your personal email address if you

like.)

[Guest guest]

Greetings: Thanks for your reply. I have been a recovering Alcoholic for

many years with a little slip once in a while.

I worked the Steps many times, been in therapy for at least 10 years but I am

looking for a new one as the lady I have can be verbally caustic, I certainly

need more of the same. I was really fortunate to have a absolutel wonderful

therapist for 8 years, she was so loving, so supportive and we were friends at

some level, she moved with her husband to Washington State as her hubby

retired early.

I am a tough skinned person but this man who can be loving a lot of the time,

and he waits on me at times, but he also constantly gives me his litany of

POOR ME that has a broken record theme. I just get mad. If I make any mistakes

he berates me, so if things dont look a little improved and he doesnt get into

therapy again then there is no hope. With a Genius IQ and lack of common

sense and his need to control and manage everything, at 63 I think that I have

gotten to the place where I feel that if I need help I will ask for it. I am

not

beyond learning new ways to do things but instead of talking to me as a

partner he acts like my Father.

Keep in touch We are moving by the 18th of July2004, I am leaving you my

email address if you like you may contact me by email.

Sincerely , Alice

wseone

[Guest guest]

Hi Its the 4th and I am just resting for a change.

We did get a beautiful home to rent for a year (we are going to buy our own

home in the nest 9-12 months, it will be a real job for me to scout one out.

So I guess that part of my life is shaping up. I have manage to keep his

mouth shut as he has been busy as so have I and I just close my door and turn up

the TV when he starts becoming overly critical, or I leave. Keep in touch...

Love, Alice

[Guest guest]

Alice,

What a horrible scenario! I am so sorry you have to go through this. Have you

considered intially giong to a psychiatrist> i hadf a freiend who went through

an awful divorce and found the one on one conversation a first great step into

getign her life back on track and redeeming her self worth. She realized she

was much better off without him.

The year following theseparation were difficult but myslef and other close

friends and family helped her through it, to the point now that she is engaged

tot he most wonderful man on the planet, is on track with her job and halthe and

no longer fears what the future has in stire. Do you have any close family and

friend you can lean on to get you through this time. Have you thought of a

psychiatrist?

If I think of any thing else I wikl be sure to follo w up, but goood luck to you

and you are welkcome to email me to talk if you wish....

Jan

wseone56@... wrote:

Well I don't wish to put a dark shadow with my posting but I am besides

myself.

[Guest guest]

Greetings to those of you who have responded to my posting about my Orally

Abusive Spouse I want to thank all of you for the support and suggestions you

have given me.

I don't think I am going to divorce him and after we buy our new home I will

have a little more leverage, we bought the home within the marriage. He I am

noticing gets really uptight about any frustration he encounters and because I

am now the only person living here he uses me as the whipping boy (with

words) to vent his frustrations. I have of late been almost ignoring him when

he

starts one of his tirades (accusing me of taking something of his, or to give

an example , things like : " Did you Move My Travel Credits ?? I say no I

haven't noticed them anywhere " Then I stop at that I lock my bedroom door but

will

open it when he settles down.

I hope you holidays have gone well and that the remainder of the summer

provides all of you some joy in the warmth.

As I said I won't, most likely, not be at my PC until August 1.

Love to all and please do what is best for you !!!!

alice wseone56@...