Re: Envy, hate and self doubt

[Guest guest]

LOL, sometimes I wish my nada had loved me more with her money, at least it

would be something! My family is by far NO millionares but she isnt in the

poor house either. She owns two homes, a really nice car, a truck,

boats..nothing super fancy though.She bought cars or trucks for every single

one of my

sisters or step siblings. She refused to even let me drive! She had my father

put her through business college then put her through college for nursing

before she dumped him for my step dad right after she graduated. She wouldnt

even

give me a shelter to live under so I could graduate high school after I

turned 18 my senior year !

Then she kinda flaunts how much she has and how much my other siblings

have compared to me in indirect ways to make me feel like crap, the 24

year old who didnt even graduate high school ( I was SOOOO close before I

ended up on the streets ), the 24 year old who JUST NOW got a drivers

permit.

And it hurts so bad and makes me feel so angry. She wanted me to fail so

badly , she tried so hard to set me up for failure and she was my own

mother! No befoire anyone jumps on me and says I have no right to blame my nada

for

my own failures, ok ok I know that. Its soo hard being that young and alone

in the world. I feel like I had to grow up so much faster than my peers to

just survive in many ways but in other ways I didnt have the resources or time

to learn other basic things most teens learn because I was too busy trying to

live. So I am more mature in some ways but grossly behind in others and that

can really make me feel ashamed.

One thing she does to hurt me is when ever I am around she tells the

story of how mad she was my father was cruel enough to take my younger sisters

Mustang away after my sister totalled the other cars my mother gave her. I

mean its just rubs in my face how diff our lives were, she chasing mustangs

while nada cared for everything and me being without home and having to take

drugs to sleep with strangers to just have food and shelter.

Nada calls me and idly chats about the hardship of buying my other

sisters designer clothes and I can recall being that age wearing hand me down

collected from the church because my mother didnt think I was worthy of nice

things. Here we were living in this house that was 100 times nicer than the way

those church people lived and THEY were putting clothes on my back ...

I hate going there because she waves all the pictures of my sisters proms

and homecomings and beautifull dresses and dreams come true. I had one prom,

from Jr. High and I wore a dress the preachers daughter lent me that was 3

sizes too big. My only graduation was my junior high one and nada refused to

spend even 20 dollars on the cap and gown for that, nada said I wasnt worth it

and it would prob be my only graduation anyway. A secretary felt so badly

she bought it for me.

I sometimes hate other people for having normal lives. I hate it when I

see the big wedding pictures, I hate their graduation stories and that funny

story about what happenned after prom. I hate hearing about how they totalled

their first car Junior year or about the fashions of 1996 or whenever. I hate

it because it breathes life into all the pain I feel because I am so

different than they are and how much i always wanted to be just normal. I hate

this

hate.

that evil bitch nada loves to snort and smirk out, " Well, ...she

just marched to the beat of another drum. " Like it was my choice ! I marched

to HER drum, I lived by HER twisted symphany. Nothing else was acceptable.

I feel like less than a person. I have never had her love but I wish I

could have had a little of her money. Its bad enough feeling like crap at home

but its even harder when you get treated like crap because your shoes are too

small, your hand me down clothes dont fit. When you feel like poo because

you cant even do basic stuff like driving your peers have been doing since the

age of 15.

Am I wrong? I see my normal friends and how great their life seemed and I

envy them to. I envy the prom pictures, the first car pictures, the

graduation and all those stories from how great college was for them while I was

working two jobs to buy grocerys, crying myself to sleep because my back, and

feet hurt and everything felt so hopeless.

Sometimes I feel like people like me are just throw aways of society. Too

emotionally damaged, too uneducated, too pathetic. I feel like garbage

sometimes .

My therapist sees or sys she sees how much i have accomplished despite

the odds. i didnt end up in jail, I stoppped my drugs, I joined the military (

but got hurt and had to get back out ). I waited until marraige before I had

a child. Im trying to better myself. I can see that from an intellectual

level but on an emotional level it feels different. I just want to scream at

God,

" WHY? Why does EVERYTHING have to be so damn hard? " I feel like i will

never have the strength or courage to overcome my obstacles.

to move past my envy, hate and self doubt.

[Guest guest]

Hi :

Well.... you definitely have had a hard time. Many of the KO's here have!

Yes, I certainly wish Nada would give you money too! What a witch she is.

I am soooo sorry that you have this kind of a Nada. I wish I could go back

in time and somehow change all this FOR YOU. I wish I could put you in a

different family with a foster mother who loved you and treated you fairly.

I am advising you to try to keep away from Nada and FOO for a while -- I

think it would really help you to keep away from the teasing and the flaunting

of

pictures etc. How far away from you do they live? Can you change your phone

number, or say it's disconnected and only write short letters and throw their

letters away?

I think you would really thrive in an environment that was Nada and FOO FREE

for a while. Then when you start feeling secure in your new " identity " that

appreciates and love you for who you are -- then maybe you could visit them

once a year or something.

If they are making you this miserable -- it is going to hurt your daughter.

And I know you don't want that.

You can't " right the wrong " that was done -- AND -- this is very, very

important :

IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT!!!

IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT that Nada is BPD and that she has black and white

thinking -- and that she used you as a scape goat and made you into the one

child

she was going to withhold things from!

This was her power too -- withholding from you.

It is really mean.

Anyway...... how did she treat your sister? The one who died? Did she

withhold things from her too? Don't answer this if you don't feel like talking

about it.

Lastly -- about other people's " successes " -- (other than your family

members) -- I really try to be happy for other people -- but I too can only

take

this stuff in small doses!! So.... be kind to yourself and try to limit the

time you spend with people who love to brag about their proms and their cars,

etc. That's what I do.

Keep talking and writing -- I think it will really help.

Barb

[Guest guest]

It is hard to shed the darkness that a nada projected, or should I

say spewed, onto us. But it can be done. There is a determination in

me to give back what belongs to her. She was miserable and angry and

needed somewhere to dump it and I decided to give it back to its

rightful owner. It began with seeing myself with my own eyes and

refusing to view myself through nadas filter. It was all an

illusion, I wasn't bad at all, she just needed to dump all of her

emptiness and self hatred somewhere. IT ISN'T OURS. IT NEVER WAS. We

are all born with our own soul and the power to choose and we can

choose to shake off all the stupid bullshit and say: I am me. And I

give back all the darkness you cast upon me and walk towards the

light of self acceptance, love and discovery.

>

>

> LOL, sometimes I wish my nada had loved me more with her money,

at least it

> would be something! My family is by far NO millionares but she

isnt in the

> poor house either. She owns two homes, a really nice car, a

truck,

> boats..nothing super fancy though.She bought cars or trucks for

every single one of my

> sisters or step siblings. She refused to even let me drive! She

had my father

> put her through business college then put her through college for

nursing

> before she dumped him for my step dad right after she graduated.

She wouldnt even

> give me a shelter to live under so I could graduate high school

after I

> turned 18 my senior year !

> Then she kinda flaunts how much she has and how much my

other siblings

> have compared to me in indirect ways to make me feel like crap,

the 24

> year old who didnt even graduate high school ( I was SOOOO close

before I

> ended up on the streets ), the 24 year old who JUST NOW

got a drivers

> permit.

> And it hurts so bad and makes me feel so angry. She wanted me

to fail so

> badly , she tried so hard to set me up for failure and she was my

own

> mother! No befoire anyone jumps on me and says I have no right to

blame my nada for

> my own failures, ok ok I know that. Its soo hard being that young

and alone

> in the world. I feel like I had to grow up so much faster than my

peers to

> just survive in many ways but in other ways I didnt have the

resources or time

> to learn other basic things most teens learn because I was too

busy trying to

> live. So I am more mature in some ways but grossly behind in

others and that

> can really make me feel ashamed.

>

> One thing she does to hurt me is when ever I am around she

tells the

> story of how mad she was my father was cruel enough to take my

younger sisters

> Mustang away after my sister totalled the other cars my mother

gave her. I

> mean its just rubs in my face how diff our lives were, she

chasing mustangs

> while nada cared for everything and me being without home and

having to take

> drugs to sleep with strangers to just have food and shelter.

> Nada calls me and idly chats about the hardship of buying my

other

> sisters designer clothes and I can recall being that age wearing

hand me down

> collected from the church because my mother didnt think I was

worthy of nice

> things. Here we were living in this house that was 100 times

nicer than the way

> those church people lived and THEY were putting clothes on my

back ...

>

> I hate going there because she waves all the pictures of my

sisters proms

> and homecomings and beautifull dresses and dreams come true. I

had one prom,

> from Jr. High and I wore a dress the preachers daughter lent me

that was 3

> sizes too big. My only graduation was my junior high one and nada

refused to

> spend even 20 dollars on the cap and gown for that, nada said I

wasnt worth it

> and it would prob be my only graduation anyway. A secretary felt

so badly

> she bought it for me.

>

> I sometimes hate other people for having normal lives. I hate

it when I

> see the big wedding pictures, I hate their graduation stories and

that funny

> story about what happenned after prom. I hate hearing about how

they totalled

> their first car Junior year or about the fashions of 1996 or

whenever. I hate

> it because it breathes life into all the pain I feel because I am

so

> different than they are and how much i always wanted to be just

normal. I hate this

> hate.

>

> that evil bitch nada loves to snort and smirk out, " Well,

...she

> just marched to the beat of another drum. " Like it was my

choice ! I marched

> to HER drum, I lived by HER twisted symphany. Nothing else was

acceptable.

>

> I feel like less than a person. I have never had her love but

I wish I

> could have had a little of her money. Its bad enough feeling like

crap at home

> but its even harder when you get treated like crap because your

shoes are too

> small, your hand me down clothes dont fit. When you feel like poo

because

> you cant even do basic stuff like driving your peers have been

doing since the

> age of 15.

> Am I wrong? I see my normal friends and how great their life

seemed and I

> envy them to. I envy the prom pictures, the first car pictures,

the

> graduation and all those stories from how great college was for

them while I was

> working two jobs to buy grocerys, crying myself to sleep because

my back, and

> feet hurt and everything felt so hopeless.

>

> Sometimes I feel like people like me are just throw aways of

society. Too

> emotionally damaged, too uneducated, too pathetic. I feel like

garbage

> sometimes .

>

> My therapist sees or sys she sees how much i have accomplished

despite

> the odds. i didnt end up in jail, I stoppped my drugs, I joined

the military (

> but got hurt and had to get back out ). I waited until marraige

before I had

> a child. Im trying to better myself. I can see that from an

intellectual

> level but on an emotional level it feels different. I just want

to scream at God,

> " WHY? Why does EVERYTHING have to be so damn hard? " I feel like

i will

> never have the strength or courage to overcome my obstacles.

> to move past my envy, hate and self doubt.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I know you're really hurting and I am sorry if my complaining about

Nada's generosity triggered that. I probably seem ungrateful to you.

And no one should do without the things you were not provided. That

is dispicable. It makes my skin crawl.

I was well provided for as a child and young adult, but after my

father's death, Nada controlled the money and unfortunately

controlled me with it. Gosh, money is like a drug. It was my drug.

It was the only thing that kept me in her grasp, so she handed it out

and held it over my head. I thought I had to have her support. I

wasn't good enough without it. I never want another dime from her.

My peace and seperateness are worth so much more.

Try not to give your Nada's hatred so much power. Move out of the

darkness she keeps you in and experience the new freedom you can find

through supportive friends and validating books. If you are inclined

to seek God unconditional love and acceptance, you could explore that

avenue. I have found that very helpful with the healing process.

Certainly spirituality is very unique to each of us, so that may not

be the source of growth that is right for you.

I hope you can find comfort tonight. Sending you hugs and blessings.

~

[Guest guest]

>

>

> LOL, sometimes I wish my nada had loved me more with her money,

at least it

> would be something! (snipped forbrevity)

**,

I'm not even going to try to offer the classic cerebral

response,..it wouldn't be appropriate. I just want you to know that,

though surely not to the degree you feel it, I feel the pain in your

words. What a horrible history you endured. I am sorry. How honored

we are for you to feel able and willing to share it with us. Thank

you.

cyber hug?

((((((((((((((((((((((AMANDA))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

:0)