Re: Crying to suppress anger.

[Guest guest]

I am glad to hear that you reported the abuse by the foster parent.

It is out of your hands for now. If you see evidence that the abuse

continues I hope you report it again.

My Nada believes that anger is absolutely wrong. Nobody has a right

to feel or act angry, ever. She told me this every time I visited

her. I don't visit her now. When Jesus angrily drove the money-

changers out of the temple, in Nada's book He was wrong.

Nada is the angriest person I know. I now know that this evil

doctrine of Nada's has harmed me terribly. I could never express

anger, so I turned it in against myself.

Anger is as valid as any other emotion. Without it, there would be

no motivation to fight against injustice. Nada denies the existence

of injustice, and then commits it herself.

Anger can be misused, and often it is. One of the most common abuses

is to take anger due to one person's misdeeds and turn it against

another. For instance, if we take anger over what Nada did to us and

turn it against our spouse.

Crying is a response to anger that doesn't hurt anybody. If it

helps, do it! Then use the anger to help build a better world, for

example by reporting abuse.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

I have had the same problem with crying, but I wasn't doing it to

suppress anger, it was the way I was releasing anger. As a female, I

was taught that it wasn't nice to yell, throw things, etc. (although

my nada could do those things!). So, when I got angry, I would end

up crying. I still cry when I am angry or frustrated. Now that I

understand that there is sometimes anger behind it, I do look for

other ways to physically release the anger. Hitting pillows is good,

and just yelling, in a car alone is great!

Anger is a feeling. It is a way for our body and mind to warn us

that something is not right, and that we have to do something. We

should not try to eliminate anger. What is important is the action

that follows the anger. And, as you have experienced, just trying to

think positively will not change the situation. I think the idea

behind positive thinking is to try to find out what is good or

beneficial in situation, not necessarily to try to see the whole

situation in a positive light.

Why don't you let your therapist know how uncomfortable you were in

the waiting room, and ask her/him why they didn't want you to

reschedule when you had told him/her that you didn't want to be there

in that situation? I think your initial responses and actions are

good ones, but you seem to feel very defeated when they don't work

out like you expect them too. Sometimes we have to keep at it even

longer to get what we want - or to even just make sure that others

understand us.

I can understand your concerns about the children in foster care.

But even if you don't get the response you want, don't give up. It

was very important that you reported what you knew. At the least, it

is now reported. If someone else sees and reports the same thing,

you will have already provided supporting information. Why don't you

call and ask why nothing has been done? These agencies want us to

report child abuse, so it seems within our expectations to want to

know why they didn't do anything about the situation.

You are aware that these situations are triggering old feelings about

it not doing any good to tell...that is good for you. You are doing

alot for yourself in speaking up in these situation. Try not to

backslide now - and I hope you can get some answers to all of this.

Sylvia

> I know everyone says that crying is a good thing, but I'm wondering

> if for me it's the opposite! I have used crying since I was 8

years

> old as my way of suppressing my anger, not releasing it. I used to

> get SO MAD at my nada that I COULD NOT HANDLE it anymore, and the

> only way to keep from exploding was to cry. That has stayed with

me

> over the years to the point I cannot have a conversation with

someone

> when I am angry without CRYING. So then I look like a weak and

> emotional basketcase and I have so much anger bottled up that I

don't

> know what to do with!

>

> I am starting to understand that we can change our thinking so as

to

> not allow certain events to make us angry, but what about those

times

> when anger is justified? Is it EVER justified? That's the part I

> don't get about changing the thinking. Isn't it SOMETIMES OK to be

> sad? Angry? Or is there a way in EVERY SITUATION to change your

> thinking so that you can turn it into a less overwhelming and

> negative emotion?

>

> I posted a few weeks ago about a foster mother who was mistreating

> her foster daughter. I was afraid I was blowing the situation out

of

> proportion, and afraid nothing would be done if I did report it. I

> ended up reporting it, but had no idea what the outcome was and

> probably won't. Prior to this happening I was aware that I had an

> appointment the same day as this foster mother and her foster son

> (the foster daughter's brother). I asked a social worker involved

> whether I should reschedule taht appointment because I DID NOT WANT

> there to be ANY chance I would run into them. She said I should

not

> reschedule and for some dumb reason I assumed that meant the

children

> had been removed so I wouldn't need to worry about running into

them.

>

> Think again. She showed up with the boy and from what she was

saying

> I know she still has both foster children. I spent hours in the

> waiting room with her. I was beyond uncomfortable. I know I have

> nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty for, but I still felt it,

but

> most of all I was so ANGRY. That the kids are still in that home,

> that I thought I could somehow help and how stupid that was of me

to

> think that, how the social worker KNEW I didn't want any chance of

> running into them and still advised me to go, ALL OF THAT. So what

> did I do? I sat there and cried. Not for long and not enough for

> anyone to notice but I feel so defeated about that whole situation

> and it's flooding back a lot of those old beliefs that it does NO

> GOOD to " tell " and anger that NOBODY care about those children

enough

> to actually HELP them. They did what was convenient and left them

> with her, probably gave her a little talking to. Maybe not. I

have

> no way of knowing.

>

> I am really angry about this situation. Maybe I could try and see

it

> more positively but I can't get past the fact they are STILL WITH

> HER. Regardless of whatever emotions I felt I know I did the right

> thing but how much does that really matter if it doesn't HELP those

> kids? Will I sleep better at night? No. I'm obsessing over this

> but I'm just so angry and I don't know what to do with that, what

is

> appropriate and if it's WRONG to feel this way. I want to believe

> that if I just think positively then that would change things but

all

> it really changes is my perspective and I feel like I'm kidding

> myself, especially when it hits home like this that whether I see

it

> positively or negatively, those kids are still in that situation.

I

> know I'm probably doing whatever that term is where I see myself in

> them so it's affecting me more than maybe it should.

[Guest guest]

Dear Everythinglists:

All feelings are " OK " it is how you view them and what you do with

them that can be brought into question.

Anyone posting to this group has experienced the anger that a BPD

can provoke in you. It might be more helpful to view anger as

an 'energizer' to action rather than a feeling to be ashamed of.

It sounds to me your anger has 'energized' you to review the situation

that occurred with the social worker who did not meet/discounted your

need to stay out of a situation you felt uncomfortable with.

Now that you have been 'energized' to review the situation you can

take the second step that anger provides you by " acting " on it. Do

you need to be more assertive with others in stating you boundaries?

Just a suggestion.

Oracleman

> I know everyone says that crying is a good thing, but I'm wondering

> if for me it's the opposite! I have used crying since I was 8 years

> old as my way of suppressing my anger, not releasing it. I used to

> get SO MAD at my nada that I COULD NOT HANDLE it anymore, and the

> only way to keep from exploding was to cry. That has stayed with me

> over the years to the point I cannot have a conversation with someone

> when I am angry without CRYING. So then I look like a weak and

> emotional basketcase and I have so much anger bottled up that I don't

> know what to do with!

>

> I am starting to understand that we can change our thinking so as to

> not allow certain events to make us angry, but what about those times

> when anger is justified? Is it EVER justified? That's the part I

> don't get about changing the thinking. Isn't it SOMETIMES OK to be

> sad? Angry? Or is there a way in EVERY SITUATION to change your

> thinking so that you can turn it into a less overwhelming and

> negative emotion?

>

> I posted a few weeks ago about a foster mother who was mistreating

> her foster daughter. I was afraid I was blowing the situation out of

> proportion, and afraid nothing would be done if I did report it. I

> ended up reporting it, but had no idea what the outcome was and

> probably won't. Prior to this happening I was aware that I had an

> appointment the same day as this foster mother and her foster son

> (the foster daughter's brother). I asked a social worker involved

> whether I should reschedule taht appointment because I DID NOT WANT

> there to be ANY chance I would run into them. She said I should not

> reschedule and for some dumb reason I assumed that meant the children

> had been removed so I wouldn't need to worry about running into them.

>

> Think again. She showed up with the boy and from what she was saying

> I know she still has both foster children. I spent hours in the

> waiting room with her. I was beyond uncomfortable. I know I have

> nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty for, but I still felt it, but

> most of all I was so ANGRY. That the kids are still in that home,

> that I thought I could somehow help and how stupid that was of me to

> think that, how the social worker KNEW I didn't want any chance of

> running into them and still advised me to go, ALL OF THAT. So what

> did I do? I sat there and cried. Not for long and not enough for

> anyone to notice but I feel so defeated about that whole situation

> and it's flooding back a lot of those old beliefs that it does NO

> GOOD to " tell " and anger that NOBODY care about those children enough

> to actually HELP them. They did what was convenient and left them

> with her, probably gave her a little talking to. Maybe not. I have

> no way of knowing.

>

> I am really angry about this situation. Maybe I could try and see it

> more positively but I can't get past the fact they are STILL WITH

> HER. Regardless of whatever emotions I felt I know I did the right

> thing but how much does that really matter if it doesn't HELP those

> kids? Will I sleep better at night? No. I'm obsessing over this

> but I'm just so angry and I don't know what to do with that, what is

> appropriate and if it's WRONG to feel this way. I want to believe

> that if I just think positively then that would change things but all

> it really changes is my perspective and I feel like I'm kidding

> myself, especially when it hits home like this that whether I see it

> positively or negatively, those kids are still in that situation. I

> know I'm probably doing whatever that term is where I see myself in

> them so it's affecting me more than maybe it should.

[Guest guest]

Hi Everything:

I have a few thoughts to share with you.

(1) Crying is a very good thing for releasing sad feelings.

Anger is USUALLY simply a different method of expressing sadness.

(2) Anger is also healthy -- if there is something unjust or wrong

it is healthy to feel angry about it. The anger will motiviate you

to do something to change it.

(3) About the foster mother -- I would be upset too!

To me, it sounds like you did what you could.

What has helped me tremendously with dealing with " accepting

something that I cannot change " is the " Serenity Prayer " used

by AA and 12 step groups.

Also, the 12 step programs explain in detail, and give support, to

people who have a problem accepting things they cannot change.

(I'm one of them.)

If you would like more information, please e-mail me

privately at: positivevibesss

@

aol.

com

Barb