Edith Psychologically Abusive

[Guest guest]

Edith:

It is psychologically abusive to allow 45 plus posts about BIID from June

20th to July 20th -- and during May -- countless posts -- and April, March,

February, January --

BIID is a DISORDER! Just like BPD.

A person who fantasizes about killing themselves should be treated by a

psychiatrist -- not by people on THIS list.

A person who fantasizes about cutting off their leg -- and who wants to go

through with it -- this is a shocking, and DAMAGING subject -- and I want it to

STOP.

If it continues -- I will complain to Randi -- and I will create my OWN list.

Barb

[Guest guest]

OK, there will be no more postings from me on that subject.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

This is your opinion about one of the subjects of MANY that are

discussed on this list. We are here to support each other due to

having been seriously impacted by our experiences with a borderline

parent. Those impacts range from all sorts of things, and one of

those things for one of us is the urge to be an amputee. That might

trigger certain feelings in people, but those feelings are not the

responsibility of that one member, or of the person maintaining the

list.

When I come across a post about this particular issue, I

automatically recognize what the subject matter is and most of the

time I do not read further posts with the same subject. Not because

it triggers any feelings in me but because it is not of interest to

me. So I move on. Each of us has the ability to do that and the

responsibility to do that if there is any subject that is bothering

us.

We seem to be more affected by issues that hit closer to home. As a

KO, it impacts me more to read about discipline and parenting issues

than it does to read about someone wishing to be an amputee. Certain

images flash into my mind when people speak about how they are

treating their children, but there is nothing but blank space and a

big huge ? when people are talking about not wanting legs. It's just

not on the same level in any way.

I am disturbed about the direction this whole debate has taken.

Instead of people continuing to advocate for a list where people can

have discussions like grown adults, regardless of the subject matter,

you are instead choosing to attack other subjects that are allowed,

for what purpose? To make it an even more restricted list? What we

should be doing is coming up with ways to manage conflict and ways to

encourage people to have a simple discussion without throwing in

baggage and emotions and threats and insinuations. I'd rather we

lean in THAT direction than in one where we start tearing about every

single topic and deeming it unacceptable, not because of any real

problem with that topic but because we didn't get our way about

another topic. It's not constructive.

Almost any subject can be damaging if we choose to allow it to be.

When people post here about things their mothers did to them, it is

damaging to read about sometimes. Depending on my mood, my state,

sometimes psychologically it is not something I should read. So

should those posts be stopped, because *I* sometimes can't

psychologically deal with them? I'm really disappointed that instead

of trying to show that there can be meaningful threads about

parenting, people just throw in the towel and decide if they're not

getting their way to pull other members like Dan down with them.

Pulling other people down and weighing other people down is what our

mothers did to us. And it's just not very nice.

> Edith:

>

> It is psychologically abusive to allow 45 plus posts about BIID

from June

> 20th to July 20th -- and during May -- countless posts -- and

April, March,

> February, January --

>

> BIID is a DISORDER! Just like BPD.

>

> A person who fantasizes about killing themselves should be treated

by a

> psychiatrist -- not by people on THIS list.

>

> A person who fantasizes about cutting off their leg -- and who

wants to go

> through with it -- this is a shocking, and DAMAGING subject -- and

I want it to

> STOP.

>

> If it continues -- I will complain to Randi -- and I will create my

OWN list.

>

> Barb

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm leaning in the same direction as you. We need to find ways to

deal with what is triggering to us without writing things that are

belittling to others.

Sylvia

> > Edith:

> >

> > It is psychologically abusive to allow 45 plus posts about BIID

> from June

> > 20th to July 20th -- and during May -- countless posts -- and

> April, March,

> > February, January --

>...........................

> I want it to

> > STOP.

..............................> >

> > Barb

[Guest guest]

I happen to agree that others and their issues are being hurt over something

that had nothing to do with the original issue at hand, and I felt badly for

that....I've been with this group for almost 6 years and saw this group go

through a split. At the time I didn't really understand all of it and received

an email from someone in this group that it had changed its name and I was

directed to the other group....Imagine my surprise to not only find that this

group was still here but that the other group had fractured and broke up into

smaller groups!! The guide lines are there for a reason, and Edith has proven

time and again that she knows when to interrupt....

Speaking as a ko, I know that I myself have been affected by some of the posts

here as well, but I too have known that I can delete, ignore, or

whatever....because I need this group to guide me on the path..so that I can

continue to grow thru my own ko experiences....some of us went through different

situations than others....and knowing that helps me keep things in prospective.

I feel for the loss of those who left and for those who may have been hurt

because of this confusion.

Warm thoughts to all,

wendy

Re: Edith Psychologically Abusive

This is your opinion about one of the subjects of MANY that are

discussed on this list. We are here to support each other due to

having been seriously impacted by our experiences with a borderline

parent. Those impacts range from all sorts of things, and one of

those things for one of us is the urge to be an amputee. That might

trigger certain feelings in people, but those feelings are not the

responsibility of that one member, or of the person maintaining the

list.

When I come across a post about this particular issue, I

automatically recognize what the subject matter is and most of the

time I do not read further posts with the same subject. Not because

it triggers any feelings in me but because it is not of interest to

me. So I move on. Each of us has the ability to do that and the

responsibility to do that if there is any subject that is bothering

us.

We seem to be more affected by issues that hit closer to home. As a

KO, it impacts me more to read about discipline and parenting issues

than it does to read about someone wishing to be an amputee. Certain

images flash into my mind when people speak about how they are

treating their children, but there is nothing but blank space and a

big huge ? when people are talking about not wanting legs. It's just

not on the same level in any way.

I am disturbed about the direction this whole debate has taken.

Instead of people continuing to advocate for a list where people can

have discussions like grown adults, regardless of the subject matter,

you are instead choosing to attack other subjects that are allowed,

for what purpose? To make it an even more restricted list? What we

should be doing is coming up with ways to manage conflict and ways to

encourage people to have a simple discussion without throwing in

baggage and emotions and threats and insinuations. I'd rather we

lean in THAT direction than in one where we start tearing about every

single topic and deeming it unacceptable, not because of any real

problem with that topic but because we didn't get our way about

another topic. It's not constructive.

Almost any subject can be damaging if we choose to allow it to be.

When people post here about things their mothers did to them, it is

damaging to read about sometimes. Depending on my mood, my state,

sometimes psychologically it is not something I should read. So

should those posts be stopped, because *I* sometimes can't

psychologically deal with them? I'm really disappointed that instead

of trying to show that there can be meaningful threads about

parenting, people just throw in the towel and decide if they're not

getting their way to pull other members like Dan down with them.

Pulling other people down and weighing other people down is what our

mothers did to us. And it's just not very nice.

> Edith:

>

> It is psychologically abusive to allow 45 plus posts about BIID

from June

> 20th to July 20th -- and during May -- countless posts -- and

April, March,

> February, January --

>

> BIID is a DISORDER! Just like BPD.

>

> A person who fantasizes about killing themselves should be treated

by a

> psychiatrist -- not by people on THIS list.

>

> A person who fantasizes about cutting off their leg -- and who

wants to go

> through with it -- this is a shocking, and DAMAGING subject -- and

I want it to

> STOP.

>

> If it continues -- I will complain to Randi -- and I will create my

OWN list.

>

> Barb

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Maybe people can be encouraged to use the type of cognitive therapy

technique where we identify what happened (or what we read) then

identify the emotion. Then identify the belief that led to the

emotion. Then explore how different beliefs might lead to a

different and more desirable emotion (which would then impact what

posts end up here!) LOL. I don't know.

Like um.. Say I feel angry that someone posted about spanking their

child. I would explore why I feel angry (that I was spanked as a

child and the circumstances were often unfair, unpredictable, and it

was confusing to me). Then I would explore the fact that just

because MY EXPERIENCES were unfair, unpredictable, and confusing,

that doesn't necessarily mean the child that was posted about is

dealing with the same thing. Therefore my anger might instead be

replaced by concern. Which would then translate into a less

emotionally charged message. Cuz if I posted angry I'd probably be

less likely to get my point across or express myself in a

constructive way, whereas I think concern is a lot less intimidating.

This is not exactly the method that is used in therapy I know but I

think if we just are a little more aware of how OUR experiences

impact our reactions to the posts then maybe we can take a little

more responsibility for when and how we choose to respond, and for

how our responses can trigger other people thereby dragging everyone

down & defeating the purpose of the group. It's not a debate group

it's a support group, we have every right to choose to debate and

disagree but it should be done in a healthy way, and unfortunately

it's become more and more clear to me that I have very little tools

or history upon which to know healthy ways to debate, disagree or

assert myself, or to recognize sometimes just how much I'm

contributing to a problem. I wish it didn't have to always be so

hard but I guess that happens when people don't really have

parents. :/

One thing I can't get past even when I'm using these techniques is

how triggered I am when something is unfair or unjust. I feel SO

justified in my anger and sadness that it is very difficult to get

past, like why SHOULD I accept it when things aren't fair? That more

than any other thing is what I'm personally having the most trouble

with. I don't want to become completely apathetic, but I also see

the benefits of separating myself from certain beliefs and how

different everything looks from that perspective.

> I'm leaning in the same direction as you. We need to find ways to

> deal with what is triggering to us without writing things that are

> belittling to others.

>

> Sylvia

[Guest guest]

I agree with these words. And I do get disturbed by certain ways

people can talk though I try not to react to it as this can just

inflame things and people may just be saying something in a way that

upsets me but they really mean well. So I try to dig down to what

they are really on about. But I do have a big problem if somebody

starts telling me what to think or do, like my Nada or the other BPD

people in my life, past and present, as this is my big area of

difficulty. It makes me upset and I just want to run away. I feel

unsafe and may just keep quiet and I guess that may not be healthy

for me but that is the best I can do at the moment.

Kit

> This is your opinion about one of the subjects of MANY that are

> discussed on this list. We are here to support each other due to

> having been seriously impacted by our experiences with a borderline

> parent. Those impacts range from all sorts of things, and one of

> those things for one of us is the urge to be an amputee. That

might

> trigger certain feelings in people, but those feelings are not the

> responsibility of that one member, or of the person maintaining the

> list.

>

> When I come across a post about this particular issue, I

> automatically recognize what the subject matter is and most of the

> time I do not read further posts with the same subject. Not

because

> it triggers any feelings in me but because it is not of interest to

> me. So I move on. Each of us has the ability to do that and the

> responsibility to do that if there is any subject that is bothering

> us.

>

> We seem to be more affected by issues that hit closer to home. As

a

> KO, it impacts me more to read about discipline and parenting

issues

> than it does to read about someone wishing to be an amputee.

Certain

> images flash into my mind when people speak about how they are

> treating their children, but there is nothing but blank space and a

> big huge ? when people are talking about not wanting legs. It's

just

> not on the same level in any way.

>

> I am disturbed about the direction this whole debate has taken.

> Instead of people continuing to advocate for a list where people

can

> have discussions like grown adults, regardless of the subject

matter,

> you are instead choosing to attack other subjects that are allowed,

> for what purpose? To make it an even more restricted list? What

we

> should be doing is coming up with ways to manage conflict and ways

to

> encourage people to have a simple discussion without throwing in

> baggage and emotions and threats and insinuations. I'd rather we

> lean in THAT direction than in one where we start tearing about

every

> single topic and deeming it unacceptable, not because of any real

> problem with that topic but because we didn't get our way about

> another topic. It's not constructive.

>

> Almost any subject can be damaging if we choose to allow it to be.

> When people post here about things their mothers did to them, it is

> damaging to read about sometimes. Depending on my mood, my state,

> sometimes psychologically it is not something I should read. So

> should those posts be stopped, because *I* sometimes can't

> psychologically deal with them? I'm really disappointed that

instead

> of trying to show that there can be meaningful threads about

> parenting, people just throw in the towel and decide if they're not

> getting their way to pull other members like Dan down with them.

> Pulling other people down and weighing other people down is what

our

> mothers did to us. And it's just not very nice.]

[Guest guest]

Yes. I have just put on my wish list at amazon.com a book about

recognising abuse and not doing it, previous to reading your email. I

was searching something else when it came up. I thought I could

benefit from understanding more about this, especially re the not

doing it as I know I can certainly do this though I don't mean to,

especially if I am getting stresses and pressured.

Kit

> I'm leaning in the same direction as you. We need to find ways to

> deal with what is triggering to us without writing things that are

> belittling to others.

>

> Sylvia