Guest guest Posted June 5, 2005 Report Share Posted June 5, 2005 Hi Gail, This is the kinda crap that nada gives me every day when she is on speaking terms. The crisis is hers - not yours. You are not responsible for any of this. It is not your responsibility to feel guilty, either. They are nuts and are manipulating you. Here's a way out. I don't know if it would work for you. But, it may be a good idea for nada to take a taxi cab to and from the doctor on Monday. My nada doesn't drive and has a spinal stress fracture caused by osteporsis. Taxi is her primary means of medical transport - the other is guilt. It's okay to extricate yourself emotionally from all this. She is nuts. Your brother is nuts. It has nothing to do with you. Let the guilt trip stay where it belongs. Please feel free to step out of the fog, my buddy! You deserve to be happy. We all do! Best Regards, Lula, from a planet in the far reaches of Oz --- gail wrote: > Hi, I am trying to establish/maintain boundaries > with my 68 yo narcissistic > nada, who lives with my BP brother who I have been > nc with for a year. He > also abuses meth. Nada had a facelift Thursday, and > I took her and cared for > her for 15 hours that day, and took her back to her > dr the next day. She asked > if I would be able to take her Mon, and I said I'd > let her know. Then I came > home and made arrangements to go out of town on Mon. > We live about 20- > 25 min from her dr/hospital. Well, she just called > and asked if I would take her > Mon, and I said I had made other plans. This is > when she tells me: > > ***My brother probably used meth yesterday and is > acting very strange, she > may not be able to rely on him; he is out of it. > > ***She will just have to drive herself, even if > her vision is very blurry. > > ***She was going to tell him today that if he > doesn't see a psychiatrist, she > will kick him out. She can't tell him that NOW > cause she has to rely on him to > get to the dr tomorrow! (I've been telling her to do > that for months....This one > actually made me laugh!) > > ***She may have an infection or something and > wouldn't be surprised if > they admitted her to the hospital from her appt. > > Now I feel pretty certain she is going to turn this > into a crisis before I leave > tomorrow. He will end up arrested, she will end up > too sick to drive herself, > something will happen so that she will try to hook > me back in and get me to > help her tomorrow. > > I am standing in the fog and am totally disoriented. > I've done more than > enough; I need my backbone fortified to stand my > ground on this. I'm even > tempted to leave town tonight instead..... I'm not > sure I could stand it if she > called and left crises messages. > > She's fogging me bigtime, isn't she? How would some > of you handle this > situation? (She's not a rager, she's a > hermit/waif/queen!) > Gail > > > __________________________________ Discover Yahoo! Use Yahoo! to plan a weekend, have fun online and more. Check it out! http://discover.yahoo.com/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 5, 2005 Report Share Posted June 5, 2005 Hey, if she's got enough cash for a face lift, she's got enough cash for a two way taxi ride. Sheesh. Not your problem. Also having the brother get arrested is probably a good outcome, Meth is REALLY nasty and people that use it over time start to look like zombies. Good luck, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 5, 2005 Report Share Posted June 5, 2005 Yep, pulled the stitches tight with his answer- it was right on target: $ to have face lift = $ for a taxi or lime service! Your nada is enabling your methhead brother. That is her choice, so you should not feel bad/guilty/fogged for her choices. Meth is horrible and most addicts go through treatment programs several times and still face further use. Here is a (((((((hug)))))))), now get out of town and have some fun! Di. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 5, 2005 Report Share Posted June 5, 2005 Ooops. That should have been " limo " service. $ to have face lift = $ for a taxi or lime service! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 5, 2005 Report Share Posted June 5, 2005 Hi, One of the biggest obstacles in dealing with a bp parent is working through the feelings of responsibility we have for them. We know we shouldn't feel responsible but that doesn't necessarily make those feelings go away. I remember when I was struggling to let go of nada and her daily crisis, my therapist suggested I change my phone number. I remember being shocked and saying " I can't do that. " I really felt like if I didn't rescue her something awful would happen to her, that her whole life would fall apart. I wasn't aware at the time that I had been conditioned to feel this way and that it wasn't normal, wasn't the way healthy mother/daughters interact and most importantly, that I didn't have to continue feeling that way. I remember it had never really seemed like a possibility that I could just walk away, change my phone number, block her number, etc. And when my therapist suggested I do that, a little ray of hope got through and began to melt away all the brainwashing I had been exposed to all my life. Something shifted; I began to consider that maybe I wasn't responsible for her afterall and maybe there was a way out. A month later I went no contact and never spoke to her again. It was the best thing I could have ever done for ME. Take care, > Hi, I am trying to establish/maintain boundaries with my 68 yo narcissistic > nada, who lives with my BP brother who I have been nc with for a year. He > also abuses meth. Nada had a facelift Thursday, and I took her and cared for > her for 15 hours that day, and took her back to her dr the next day. She asked > if I would be able to take her Mon, and I said I'd let her know. Then I came > home and made arrangements to go out of town on Mon. We live about 20- > 25 min from her dr/hospital. Well, she just called and asked if I would take her > Mon, and I said I had made other plans. This is when she tells me: > > ***My brother probably used meth yesterday and is acting very strange, she > may not be able to rely on him; he is out of it. > > ***She will just have to drive herself, even if her vision is very blurry. > > ***She was going to tell him today that if he doesn't see a psychiatrist, she > will kick him out. She can't tell him that NOW cause she has to rely on him to > get to the dr tomorrow! (I've been telling her to do that for months....This one > actually made me laugh!) > > ***She may have an infection or something and wouldn't be surprised if > they admitted her to the hospital from her appt. > > Now I feel pretty certain she is going to turn this into a crisis before I leave > tomorrow. He will end up arrested, she will end up too sick to drive herself, > something will happen so that she will try to hook me back in and get me to > help her tomorrow. > > I am standing in the fog and am totally disoriented. I've done more than > enough; I need my backbone fortified to stand my ground on this. I'm even > tempted to leave town tonight instead..... I'm not sure I could stand it if she > called and left crises messages. > > She's fogging me bigtime, isn't she? How would some of you handle this > situation? (She's not a rager, she's a hermit/waif/queen!) > Gail Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 5, 2005 Report Share Posted June 5, 2005 Thanks to everyone who responded to my post about nada trying to make me responsible for her.... the funny thing is, I still find it easier to put myself in my nada's place than in my own, and I hate it. I have to stop my nada's voice and try to listen to that silent screaming inside of me, saying I have been abused, taken advantage of, or even that rather touchy word- molested.... When she confronts me about abandoning her during her time of need, (and she will), I will tell her she is willingly housing a messed up meth addict/felon who steals from her and has verbally abused her and myself, and I am no longer available to help her if it requires me to come to her house. BTW, I had 3 different encounters with my 'no contact' bp brother in the past 3 days because of her needs, this is part of the reason I feel *violated*. It'll cost $76 for the taxi, she will whine cause she's cheap, and may even end up trying to drive herself, but I cannot follow a crazy person around and try to keep her from hurting herself. Besides, she'd enjoy that way too much. Thanks , for reminding me that my responsibility is to myself. I am glad you made the right choice for yourself, and realize that going no contact may not be the right choice for me, at least not right now. But I am willing to keep all options open. (It's good to remember there is an escape hatch) And to everyone else who commented, I appreciate the support. Gail > Hi, > > One of the biggest obstacles in dealing with a bp parent is working > through the feelings of responsibility we have for them. We know we > shouldn't feel responsible but that doesn't necessarily make those > feelings go away. I remember when I was struggling to let go of nada > and her daily crisis, my therapist suggested I change my phone > number. I remember being shocked and saying " I can't do that. " > > I really felt like if I didn't rescue her something awful would > happen to her, that her whole life would fall apart. I wasn't aware > at the time that I had been conditioned to feel this way and that it > wasn't normal, wasn't the way healthy mother/daughters interact and > most importantly, that I didn't have to continue feeling that way. > > I remember it had never really seemed like a possibility that I > could just walk away, change my phone number, block her number, etc. > And when my therapist suggested I do that, a little ray of hope got > through and began to melt away all the brainwashing I had been > exposed to all my life. Something shifted; I began to consider that > maybe I wasn't responsible for her afterall and maybe there was a > way out. > > A month later I went no contact and never spoke to her again. It was > the best thing I could have ever done for ME. > > Take care, > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 5, 2005 Report Share Posted June 5, 2005 Thanks to everyone who responded to my post about nada trying to make me responsible for her.... the funny thing is, I still find it easier to put myself in my nada's place than in my own, and I hate it. I have to stop my nada's voice and try to listen to that silent screaming inside of me, saying I have been abused, taken advantage of, or even that rather touchy word- molested.... When she confronts me about abandoning her during her time of need, (and she will), I will tell her she is willingly housing a messed up meth addict/felon who steals from her and has verbally abused her and myself, and I am no longer available to help her if it requires me to come to her house. BTW, I had 3 different encounters with my 'no contact' bp brother in the past 3 days because of her needs, this is part of the reason I feel *violated*. It'll cost $76 for the taxi, she will whine cause she's cheap, and may even end up trying to drive herself, but I cannot follow a crazy person around and try to keep her from hurting herself. Besides, she'd enjoy that way too much. Thanks , for reminding me that my responsibility is to myself. I am glad you made the right choice for yourself, and realize that going no contact may not be the right choice for me, at least not right now. But I am willing to keep all options open. (It's good to remember there is an escape hatch) And to everyone else who commented, I appreciate the support. Gail > Hi, > > One of the biggest obstacles in dealing with a bp parent is working > through the feelings of responsibility we have for them. We know we > shouldn't feel responsible but that doesn't necessarily make those > feelings go away. I remember when I was struggling to let go of nada > and her daily crisis, my therapist suggested I change my phone > number. I remember being shocked and saying " I can't do that. " > > I really felt like if I didn't rescue her something awful would > happen to her, that her whole life would fall apart. I wasn't aware > at the time that I had been conditioned to feel this way and that it > wasn't normal, wasn't the way healthy mother/daughters interact and > most importantly, that I didn't have to continue feeling that way. > > I remember it had never really seemed like a possibility that I > could just walk away, change my phone number, block her number, etc. > And when my therapist suggested I do that, a little ray of hope got > through and began to melt away all the brainwashing I had been > exposed to all my life. Something shifted; I began to consider that > maybe I wasn't responsible for her afterall and maybe there was a > way out. > > A month later I went no contact and never spoke to her again. It was > the best thing I could have ever done for ME. > > Take care, > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 5, 2005 Report Share Posted June 5, 2005 " she will whine cause she's cheap " ***She may be cheap about a taxi, but she is vain for needing a facelift. And facelifts aren't cheap. You can remind her of this and also tell her that she needs to plan ahead for her own needs. Don't let her make you feel guilty for not heping her out- it is time for you to help yourself out some! Di. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 5, 2005 Report Share Posted June 5, 2005 Hi Gail.... Gail, I was having another thought about this, but I hesitated to write about it. I had the foolish thought that you could offer to pay for the taxi (really bad thought on my part). If I were to offer to pay for my nada's taxi to her medical appointments....My nada likes to use money to control me. My nada would go bonkers and have a tirade if I were to control HER and offer to pay for her taxi. I would then get the phone slammed down and the silent treatment. Then she'd probably throw the money back at me to be in control. Please be strong tomorrow and don't get sucked into being a chauffeur. What you said is so true...You said: " It's not my responsibility to follow a crazy person around and try to keep her from hurting herself. " That sums it up really beautifully! Hugs, Lula --- gail wrote: > It'll cost $76 for the taxi, she will whine cause > she's cheap, and may even end > up trying to drive herself, but I cannot follow a > crazy person around and try to > keep her from hurting herself. > Besides, she'd enjoy that way too much. > > __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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