Re: Re: I am the Monster

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 7/19/2004 7:02:06 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

smhtrain2@... writes:

<Here is my theory on all of this. We put a 2 year old, whose natural

<inclination is to explore, into a room where there are things that

<the child can damage. Now why are we doing that? Partly because our

<culture, in one way or another, say.....we have to teach them not to

<touch these things, we have to, because what if we are visiting, and

<they break something of someone else, etc. In just a few years, that

<child will better understand our 'commands' of 'don't touch'. But I

<see this as just a misguided situation of expecting behavior from a

<child that is beyond what the child is capable of. I DON'T mean this

<to be a criticism of you, however, please understand that.

That is a great idea. One Ive tried to live by. One I give to my friends.

Unfortunatly I have married a man with a Monkey in his family tree. Its the

only way I can explain my daughter being part monkey! LOL. She climbs and

climbs

and climbs. Onto everything, and anything and anyway she can. She figures

out locks. She is too smart for her own good.

My friends have nick named her THE ELECTRICIAN for her penchant for

anything electrical ( yeah that scares me!!! )

Me, I was never like that. Even as a toddler I preffered my feet firm on

ground. Skydiving? No way! Move to Cali? Only when the ground stops moving!

But not my little one.

She is very much like my sister, the climber ( At three we would have get

her out of tree tops like a stray cat if she got out! ) And my darling is

very much the stubborn, headstrong one like her mother.

Perhaps if we put all our belongings in storage and pad the walls until

she moves out for college ......just kidding.

We are going to buy a mounting set to put her tele up by the ceiling .

Let her climb that high. Oh God, I see the ER visit for a broken arm from her

falling off seven feet of piled care bears right now! But I may end up having

to give her the occasional bottom swat for things I obviosly cant get rid of

that she climbs to. Im very upset to even think of that. I feel like the

child being beaten with curtain rods every time my hands pats that little

diapered butt in dicipline. It hurts me more than it helps her it seems. I cant

wait until she is older and we can talk things out more!

Its just been a devastating time for me. My sisters suicide has really

hit home though its seven months later. My husbands deployment to Florida that

was suppossed to be four weeks is turning into longer than two months and

maybe more. We almost lost out apt because of a paperwork mix up amongst other

stressors. My nada has also decided if I dont want to talk to her all the time

I should not talk to ANYONE in my family.

She went to the few relatives I was very close to that she hasnt had

anything to do with for years and somehow was able to convince them of what an

awfull and cruel person I am to her pityfull self after she lost her child!

These were people that know my mother is disturbed and I have had in my life in

a

big role and felt very close to. I trusted them and I dont trust alot of

people. So the fact that they still just turned a cold shoulder to me with

giving any explanation or reason truly hurts alot. Especially when now is a

time I

need people more than ever , my nada was worked harder than ever to " Get

me " She even made a point of letting me KNOW she was behind it all in her not to

subtle ways, to show me how POWERFULL she is!

I dont even know what I could have possibbly done to Nada to extract

this level of cruelty and contempt. I live a thousand miles away for petes

sake!

But all this stuff has been piling on at once and my depression that I

was coping with VERY well before all these thing started and when I had my

husband with me and when I had my support that nada has robbed from me, has

come back with a vengence.

Losing my cool with Amaya was just an extra straw that my back could

barely bare. Ontop of having a fight with hubby on the phone. I was just very

overwhelmed and I think all these feelings I have been coping with all by

myself

just flooded in. Its hard to not think I am a monster when not only has my

nada never really loved me but even my family has turned their backs. Hell

even the ones that hate my mother turned on me after I attempted suicide after

suicide, for committing a mortal sin! I know my husband loves me on a

level but I think I may still hate myself so much its hard to believe he

will really love me if only he knew how bad I am. Realizing I had put my hand

on

my daughter while I was upset, even if to push her away while i fixed what

she broke, just was more crushing than all of that, the real cherry on the

sundae.

I am loathe to admit it, but Im a real basket case right now!

[Guest guest]

Sexystarshine,

It isn't like you left a bruise on your daughter. You hit her on a PADDED

behind. I would say that you applied wisdom & love when you stuck to the

appropriate part of her body. 2ndly, she never felt the swat. It was more

like a soft pat. Those diapers are much thicker than you believe. I wouldn't

worry about it. You are not a monster for wanting to protect your little

monkey. As I stated in a previous email, I had 2 little monkeys to start

with & then I had a third one 5 years later. My youngest one (that came from

my body) was into taking electrical socket covers off. Taking tvs apart,

taking doors off hinges, You name it, he took it apart. At 4 years old he

went into my bedroom to see why my air conditioner didn't work. He came back

to me & told me " Mommy, your ditioner had a sort but I fixed it. " At two, he

took a color television apart & fixed it. But then he also took my toaster

apart around 4 & tore it up so that it couldn't be fixed. I finally broke

down & made a deal with him that if he wouldn't take anymore stuff apart I

would give him anything that was broken for him to try to fix it or just

look at it to see what made it work to start with. Finally the house was so

much safer & so was he. My youngest daughter, was so bad on climbing trees

that I had to keep an eye on her when she was outside. Even now at age 15,

she will climb a tree just so she can be alone & no one can just come up &

bother her. So the little monkeys pretty much always stay little monkeys.

But she will be healthier & more limber because she is a little monkey. Just

make sure that she has plenty of soft things to land on when she falls.

As for your Mom, I would do my best to ignore her. I would rethink things.

Then I would write my relatives & explain to them why I felt that I should

commit suicide also. If they had always been close to you before there is a

good chance that they will come around after your explanation. That is what

I have done in the past & mothers sorry behavior did her no good.

As for your hubby, please get yourself the book called

" Fascinating Womanhood " It is one of the best books out there on the market

for helping marital relationships. It is not filled with a lot of religious

mumbo jumbo. But only occasionally in the first part of the book is it

mentioned. I think that it is only mentioned in the first chapter & that is

it. But if you read it and apply it, it will make things so much smoother

even in rocky places.

Debbie

Re: Re: I am the Monster

>

> In a message dated 7/19/2004 7:02:06 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

> smhtrain2@... writes:

>

> <Here is my theory on all of this. We put a 2 year old, whose natural

> <inclination is to explore, into a room where there are things that

> <the child can damage. Now why are we doing that? Partly because our

> <culture, in one way or another, say.....we have to teach them not to

> <touch these things, we have to, because what if we are visiting, and

> <they break something of someone else, etc. In just a few years, that

> <child will better understand our 'commands' of 'don't touch'. But I

> <see this as just a misguided situation of expecting behavior from a

> <child that is beyond what the child is capable of. I DON'T mean this

> <to be a criticism of you, however, please understand that.

>

>

>

> That is a great idea. One Ive tried to live by. One I give to my friends.

> Unfortunatly I have married a man with a Monkey in his family tree. Its

the

> only way I can explain my daughter being part monkey! LOL. She climbs and

climbs

> and climbs. Onto everything, and anything and anyway she can. She figures

> out locks. She is too smart for her own good.

> My friends have nick named her THE ELECTRICIAN for her penchant for

> anything electrical ( yeah that scares me!!! )

> Me, I was never like that. Even as a toddler I preffered my feet firm

on

> ground. Skydiving? No way! Move to Cali? Only when the ground stops

moving!

> But not my little one.

> She is very much like my sister, the climber ( At three we would have

get

> her out of tree tops like a stray cat if she got out! ) And my darling is

> very much the stubborn, headstrong one like her mother.

> Perhaps if we put all our belongings in storage and pad the walls

until

> she moves out for college ......just kidding.

>

> We are going to buy a mounting set to put her tele up by the ceiling .

> Let her climb that high. Oh God, I see the ER visit for a broken arm from

her

> falling off seven feet of piled care bears right now! But I may end up

having

> to give her the occasional bottom swat for things I obviosly cant get rid

of

> that she climbs to. Im very upset to even think of that. I feel like the

> child being beaten with curtain rods every time my hands pats that little

> diapered butt in dicipline. It hurts me more than it helps her it seems. I

cant

> wait until she is older and we can talk things out more!

>

> Its just been a devastating time for me. My sisters suicide has really

> hit home though its seven months later. My husbands deployment to Florida

that

> was suppossed to be four weeks is turning into longer than two months and

> maybe more. We almost lost out apt because of a paperwork mix up amongst

other

> stressors. My nada has also decided if I dont want to talk to her all the

time

> I should not talk to ANYONE in my family.

> She went to the few relatives I was very close to that she hasnt had

> anything to do with for years and somehow was able to convince them of

what an

> awfull and cruel person I am to her pityfull self after she lost her

child!

> These were people that know my mother is disturbed and I have had in my

life in a

> big role and felt very close to. I trusted them and I dont trust alot of

> people. So the fact that they still just turned a cold shoulder to me with

> giving any explanation or reason truly hurts alot. Especially when now is

a time I

> need people more than ever , my nada was worked harder than ever to " Get

> me " She even made a point of letting me KNOW she was behind it all in her

not to

> subtle ways, to show me how POWERFULL she is!

> I dont even know what I could have possibbly done to Nada to extract

> this level of cruelty and contempt. I live a thousand miles away for

petes sake!

>

> But all this stuff has been piling on at once and my depression that

I

> was coping with VERY well before all these thing started and when I had

my

> husband with me and when I had my support that nada has robbed from me,

has

> come back with a vengence.

>

> Losing my cool with Amaya was just an extra straw that my back could

> barely bare. Ontop of having a fight with hubby on the phone. I was just

very

> overwhelmed and I think all these feelings I have been coping with all by

myself

> just flooded in. Its hard to not think I am a monster when not only has

my

> nada never really loved me but even my family has turned their backs.

Hell

> even the ones that hate my mother turned on me after I attempted suicide

after

> suicide, for committing a mortal sin! I know my husband loves me

on a

> level but I think I may still hate myself so much its hard to believe he

> will really love me if only he knew how bad I am. Realizing I had put my

hand on

> my daughter while I was upset, even if to push her away while i fixed

what

> she broke, just was more crushing than all of that, the real cherry on

the

> sundae.

> I am loathe to admit it, but Im a real basket case right now!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I too " child proofed " my house. It was very, very time consuming!

But I felt that my child did not understand, and therefore, I ultimately made

both of our lives easier for many years by putting things up high.

Each parent has to decide their own style.

Praise for good behavior goes a long, long way. And like Sylvia said, hugs,

affection, etc. go even longer.

But... kids will be kids... and they most definitely, positively, no doubt at

all -- WILL go after gadgets, vcr's, tv's etc. no matter how many times you

say no.

You have to figure out how you, as a mother, choose to deal with this.

What you feel good about doing, etc. And what is least damaging to your

child.

Reading child development books helps -- there's a series out there --

" Your One Year Old " ; another book " Your Two Year Old " .... etc.

These books are very good -- see if you can find one for your child's age.

Good luck --- it is not easy! But it is a challenge and wonderful miracle,

isn't it?

Barb T.

In a message dated 7/19/04 7:01:59 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

smhtrain2@... writes:

> When my daughter was around the same age, we would go through rooms

> and identify what could and could not be touched. That seemed to work

> for her - and it was a good exercise to help her understand that

> there were things that shouldn't be touched. However, I still kept

> things out of reach until I knew she was at a developmental age to be

> trusted.

>

> Give yourself a break - we are not perfect - we will make mistakes -

> when we do, we will be different from our BPD parent, we will admit

> to our mistake and plan how we will do it differently the next time.

>

> Also, one negative interaction, or even several interactions, do not

> emotionally scar a child. It is the constant pattern of interaction

> that is important. It seems to be that the constant pattern between

> you and your child is a positive one. Go give that baby an extra hug

> and kiss - and be kind and gentle to yourself as well.

>

> Sylvia

>

>

[Guest guest]

It sounds like you need a break! Can you get a babysitter -- so you can get

some alone time? All mothers need that! Especially with Nadas bothering them

and husband problems (we all have those too!)

If you can't get a babysitter -- can you get a mother's helper to play with

your daughter while you're home so that you can take a long relaxing bath,

watch a favorite t.v. show, etc.??? That really helps too!

P.S. I have 4 brothers and sisters and ALL of us were climbers!

Barb T.

In a message dated 7/20/04 12:33:36 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

sexystarshine79@... writes:

>

> I am loathe to admit it, but Im a real basket case right now!

>