Recoiling from nada

[Guest guest]

cntbreathe said;

>I'm cold to my mother because when she did hug me as a child it was

..because she needed something from me like I was filling some

>emptiness in her instead of her giving me love. I really think this

>is why I recoil from her.

I had never thought about it that way, but you are absolutely right.

Hugging my nada always made me uncomfortable. I did it out of duty

only. I still do. She is sooooo needy. I do remember that I hated

the touch of her skin and I knew that was not a normal reaction to a

loving mother. (This was before I knew what was wrong with her) I

concluded something was wrong with me. It is such a relief to have an

explanation for why she is like she is.

I limit now the amount of contact I have with her. I see her once a

week for a few hours to take care of things they (nada and dad) can't

do for themselves anymore. If I have a conversation on the phone with

her I don't like, I give myself a couple of days off. I just decide

I'm " not home " for her calls. It is such a relief to feel that is my

right. I am a good daughter and she can no longer make me feel guilty

or think I am not.

I realize that the withdrawal I have done for years is still a part of

my protective immune system against her, but I am getting more honest

and open about letting her know when I don't like things she says.

She is still very intelligent and I think a lot afraid I am going to

abandon her. I reassure her that I won't, but that I won't take any

guilt or blame for her life anymore.

Dee

[Guest guest]

Hi Dee,

Acutally this isn't the whole story. I know as a kid I enjoyed the

hugs. At that time I didn't realize they were for her and what she

needed and not for me. As I got older (I was still split good then)

and watched how she treated people she split bad the distrust set in

and I didn't trust her affection, felt it was selfish and insincere.

Unfortunately, that mistrust is so ingrained in me that affection

does not come easy for me. Long version of why I'm cold. But even

though I may come off cold doesn't mean there aren't many people I

love, it is just very difficult to show it for me and makes it even

harder when someone labels me cold. I agree with you, just because I

have issues about certain things doesn't make me a bad daughter. Too

bad Nadas can't see that!! I still love her and still want to help

her if I can and would still want to have a relationship with her

even though we don't see eye to eye but I don't think this is

possible for her. Because as long as I don't think/feel the way she

does I'm bad and it is also my fault so I'have abandoned her. (I

know this is not true but I know this is how she sees things.)

Anyway didn't mean to go on. Take care

cntbreathe

> Hugging my nada always made me uncomfortable. I did it out of duty

> only. I still do. She is sooooo needy. I do remember that I hated

> the touch of her skin and I knew that was not a normal reaction to a

> loving mother. (This was before I knew what was wrong with her) I

> concluded something was wrong with me. It is such a relief to have

an

> explanation for why she is like she is.

>

> I limit now the amount of contact I have with her. I see her once a

> week for a few hours to take care of things they (nada and dad)

can't

> do for themselves anymore. If I have a conversation on the phone

with

> her I don't like, I give myself a couple of days off. I just decide

> I'm " not home " for her calls. It is such a relief to feel that is

my

> right. I am a good daughter and she can no longer make me feel

guilty

> or think I am not.

>

> I realize that the withdrawal I have done for years is still a part

of

> my protective immune system against her, but I am getting more

honest

> and open about letting her know when I don't like things she says.

> She is still very intelligent and I think a lot afraid I am going to

> abandon her. I reassure her that I won't, but that I won't take any

> guilt or blame for her life anymore.

> Dee