Guest guest Posted July 19, 2004 Report Share Posted July 19, 2004 Yeah! There were so many things like those you describe. Down underneath was a warm loving caring person, but somehow, it all got messed up and made worse with age. It's soooooooo sad. Now that mother is six feet under, the sharp cutting edges of the last twenty years are dulling, while the soft caring memories percolate to the surface. Like the pain of childbirth, it fades into oblivion with time, so that it doesn't even seem to have existed. Labor pains? Oh yeah, that's right, now that I think about it. Smiles! Carol Barb T wrote: > When I read Carols' post, it reminded me that maybe thinking of THE FEW nice > things that Nada did would help me to be more " balanced " LOL. > > Anyway -- here are the six I can think of: > > (1) When I was around 6 years old she let me wear a locket that her aunt gave > her. It either broke while I was wearing it, or I lost it. But she was very > understanding when I lost it. I was thrilled while I was wearing it! > > (2) She bought me a dozen red roses when I graduated from high school. > > (3) One time the principal of my school demanded that I wear a longer skirt! > It was already to the middle of my knee-- Nada shortened the hem, to make it > look like she made the skirt longer, but she actually kept it the same! > Yeah, Nada! > > (4) She taught me how to care for babies in good ways (my younger > brothers)--- we won't talk about the bad ways right now! LOL > > (5) She served 3 " well balanced " meals a day (even if it did kill her to do > it, and she cried the whole time -- and burned about 1/4 of all the dinners! > LOL) > > (6) She loved to swim, and tought me not to be afraid of the water. > > Whew! a few goodies mixed in with the baddies! LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 19, 2004 Report Share Posted July 19, 2004 Loren Chick wrote: > Well, actually, there are a lot of nice things my nada > has done for me over the years which often makes the > separation from her difficult. Yup! It's soooooo painful. It's the loss of what used to be, and what could have been. > She pretty much has > always been there for me when I needed her. (However, > she won't let me forget it.) She was a very caring and > affectionate mother. Yup! > It's the ugly side that has come out more for me in > the last couple of years, Yes, that's what happened ever so slowly over a twenty year span. On again, off again, so it was easy to brush it aside and blame it on alcohol. Eventually alcohol didn't fit the picture anymore, but what else could it possibly be? It was a no-win situation going crazy fast. I got caught up trying to " fix " her problems and doing the " honor thy mother " bit. But, the more I did, the more she demanded, and the less she appreciated it. It never got better, only worse. > especially now that my > fiance is in the picture and she's going through a > rough divorce. Yes, they need total allegiance at all times, not even the slightest wavering on the subtlest levels, or there's serious trouble. > (I was always split as the good child > so wasn't a target for her and my brother and father > were, and still are, her targets). Me too, since birth. Never in a million years did I think it possible she could turn on me, but she did, after 50+ years. One can never trust a BPD. Smiles! Carol M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 20, 2004 Report Share Posted July 20, 2004 This is one FLEA I am fighting against! Because of my many, many KO fleas, I tend to behave badly as a parent and wife sometimes -- and then ask for forgiveness. I am trying to take more responsibility for my actions. It's really tough, because my husband had a BPD mother too -- and so he's always screwing up and then apologizing. UGH! BUT -- neither of us are NEARLY as bad as either one of our Nadas were. Still.... we have a long way to go to get rid of our fleas.! Barb T. In a message dated 7/20/04 8:43:33 AM Eastern Daylight Time, smhtrain2@... writes: > Because she did nice things for us, we were expected to overlook are > the hateful and mean things she did, because, after all, she didn't > really mean it, and if you can't be yourself with family, where can > you be yourself, and she is our mother, so we must respect her, and > no one really understands how bad she has it, and everybody and bad > days, and..., and..., and.....! The standard making excuses for BPD > behavior without taking any responsibility for it. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 20, 2004 Report Share Posted July 20, 2004 My nada also did nice things. But as is common with BPD, there was a price she expected from her family, friends, even strangers, because of the nice things she did. For the family, she expected complete enmeshment. As she sacrificed for us....we were also expected to sacrifice for her....on her terms....at the time she said, etc. Friends (really acquaintances) were a little different. These people were either split good or bad, but for as nice as she was to their faces, she said terrible things about them behind their backs. Strangers were expected to recognize that she was truely a saint rescuing them from whatever dire fate awaited them without her intervention! LOL! Because she did nice things for us, we were expected to overlook are the hateful and mean things she did, because, after all, she didn't really mean it, and if you can't be yourself with family, where can you be yourself, and she is our mother, so we must respect her, and no one really understands how bad she has it, and everybody and bad days, and..., and..., and.....! The standard making excuses for BPD behavior without taking any responsibility for it. And when I look at the 'nice' things she did, I really wonder how they are different from what is expected of a parent in taking care of children she brought into the world. Sylvia > Well, actually, there are a lot of nice things my nada > has done for me over the years which often makes the > separation from her difficult. She pretty much has > always been there for me when I needed her. (However, > she won't let me forget it.) She was a very caring and > affectionate mother. > > It's the ugly side that has come out more for me in > the last couple of years, especially now that my > fiance is in the picture and she's going through a > rough divorce. (I was always split as the good child > so wasn't a target for her and my brother and father > were, and still are, her targets). > > Loren > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 20, 2004 Report Share Posted July 20, 2004 Barb, My nada almost never asked for forgiveness. I think she did twice....the last time being about 1 year ago, and it was for one specific rage that she had. I can't remember when, where, what for with the other forgiveness, but somewhere in my mind, I think she did ask. Anyhow, I think asking for forgiveness is a big step, as long as it doesn't make the asker think s/he is now off the hook. Somehow, I don't think you would feel that way. When a person really wants forgiveness, I think they feel humbled to be asking, and are doing it because they seriously want to undo whatever hurt they caused to the other person. Good luck on your journey, Sylvia > This is one FLEA I am fighting against! Because of my many, many KO fleas, I > tend to behave badly as a parent and wife sometimes -- and then ask for > forgiveness. I am trying to take more responsibility for my actions. It's really > tough, because my husband had a BPD mother too -- and so he's always screwing > up and then apologizing. UGH! > > BUT -- neither of us are NEARLY as bad as either one of our Nadas were. > Still.... we have a long way to go to get rid of our fleas.! > > Barb T. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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