Re: BP Emergencies

[Guest guest]

I am just now allowing myself to be back in the life of my fada. We

haven't had much to do with each other the last 10 years or so. He

had declared himself to be a recluse and didn't want much, if any,

outside contact. He has decided he wants to be " in the world " again.

But I suspect any interaction will be just like what you describe.

At my cousin's wedding several years ago, he got nasty with her (she

was the bride) and had her in tears just minutes before she was to

walk down the aisle. I felt terribly for her, but at least the rest

of the family knew what my brother and I have been dealing with all

these years. So how do you justify maintaining contact with someone

who seems to be so toxic in your life? I am really struggling with

how to make this work. Trying to be a family, but trying to " take

care of me " at the same time.

Jeanine

> I got a call along these from my fada over the summer. I was afraid

that

> he was going to tell me that my grandma was dead, but I couldn't bring

> myself to actually call him, not after what he pulled last holiday

> season. I managed to find out through other sources that it wasn't my

> grandma, that he was just spazzing. The " I really need to talk to you,

> this isn't funny " line several calls later made me so made, I finally

> decided to send the no-contact email. Not quite the effect he wanted, I

> bet.

>

> I guess, to him, it was an emergency, because he knew he was losing

> contact with his kids (me and my sis, anyway), and he couldn't accept

> that it was his fault. So in a way, it wasn't a lie, in his sick world.

> It's just that he sees the world through ... erm ..

> vertically-hold-challenged glasses? Yeah...

>

> Ping

[Guest guest]

> So how do you justify maintaining contact with someone

> who seems to be so toxic in your life?

Jeanine,

I am planning to see my mother at Christmas for the first time in

four years. I do not expect to enjoy seeing her. I do not expect to

change her in any way. What I am hoping to accomplish is to show

myself that I can protect myself from her now. I need to do this

before I can kick her destructive influence out of my mind.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

>

> ... So how do you justify maintaining contact with someone

> who seems to be so toxic in your life? I am really struggling with

> how to make this work. Trying to be a family, but trying to " take

> care of me " at the same time.

>

> Jeanine

>

Jeanine, Just my 2 cents worth - but I don't think there is

justification for allowing someone toxic in your life. I think it is

the guilt we feel that causes us to think we have to keep these

people in our lives, even though they are harming us. Family is more

than biological. And being a family requires everyone to act in the

right way, not some people suffering because of the actions of others.

Take care,

Sylvia

[Guest guest]

Dear Syliva,

You wrote:

> Jeanine, Just my 2 cents worth - but I don't think there is

> justification for allowing someone toxic in your life. I think it is

> the guilt we feel that causes us to think we have to keep these

> people in our lives, even though they are harming us. Family is more

> than biological. And being a family requires everyone to act in the

> right way, not some people suffering because of the actions of others.

You are so right. Normal families try your patience. They irritate

and anger you. But they don't betray you. They don't lie to you.

They don't criticize and blame. They don't separate you from people

you love and destroy your reputation. They don't molest you.

It is not too much to ask that you not have to put up with this type

of treatment.

Les