Gaslighting

[Guest guest]

All my life I lived with gaslighting. The unwritten rule in our house

was to never have an opinion that didn't agree with nada, never point

out if anything was her fault, never question her. I and my two

sisters learned to just listen and agree.

Whenever I was with her I would come away feeling I was dishonest for

not challenging some of her statements as they were so obviously

untrue. She could completely change the facts in the same story

within minutes if she decided that would get her what she wanted. We

never called her on it.

During the past two years I have tried to point out some of that to

her. Of course, it changed nothing. When I finally got up the courage

to tell her why I was withdrawing somewhat from her and that I could

no longer listen to her constantly negative talk, nor have her calling

me telling me I have hurt her deeply over nothing. She denied being

negative. I told her it must be hard to live feeling so hurt and

angry all the time. Of course, she denied it and said she wasn't

unhappy. She had a sign in her TV room she had moved around until it

was impossible to ignore. It said " Live long enough to be a problem

to your children " I told her I knew she thought it was funny but I

and my sisters could see nothing funny about it as it seemed to us to

be her motto. She took the sign down.

After telling her those things, I have felt much better knowing when

she dies at least she will know how I feel. I have also not felt the

need to talk about her incessantly, and am able to listen to her

without feeling that I am being dishonest. I no longer try to

challenge her as I know it it futile and a waste of my energy. But I

not longer feel something is wrong with me for listening. It just

doesn't go inside me like it used to.

She is a pathetic figure and I know she suffers constantly from

paranoia, and guilt. But I can't waste my energy even feeling too bad

for her, because it doesn't benefit her or me. I probably sound hard

and jaded. I am happier than I have ever been in my life and

relationship with her. I feel free for the first time. It's ok for

me to have a good time with my children and grandchildren and not feel

guilty that she isn't included. I KNOW I am a good daughter even

though she will never be satisfied with what I can give her.

Dee