Nothing has changed

[Guest guest]

I just needed to share with someone who would understand my dissappointment

that nothing has changed with fada. He called me a couple of months ago,

after not having any contact (mutual decision) for many years. Told me he

doesn't want to be a hermit anymore (his own self description) and wants to

get back in life. It was the first " normal " conversation we have had in

many years. I have sent letters and pictures since then, trying to

establish a rapport again, since its tough to have a conversation with

someone who knows nothing about your life. I sent a Christmas card and

letter, and a Christmas gift. I have not heard from him since. I was so

optimistic that maybe he wanted to change, maybe he saw that there were

problems, and that he might get help. I was afraid to call on Christmas, it

still brings up terror feelings to have to initiate a call with him. I

think that since he hasn't made any effort to make contact, nothing has

really changed. I just need the support of my fellow KO's as I am pretty

dissappointed, not just in the situation, but that I allowed myself to

believe anything would change in the first place. I know better. This

cycle has been going on my whole life. I guess its just this latest " no

contact " cycle with him has gone on longer than any has ever occurred

before.

I have to admit it has been nice not to have to deal with him all these

years. But the FOG is rolling in and I feel guilty for not doing something,

not doing more. I enthusiastically told my aunt and uncle, his brother and

sister, about my optimism for rebuilding our relationship and they were

excited. They both know things weren't right, I don't know they know about

BPD - but both have been supportive of my distance from him. I told my

mother, who has been divorced from my fada for 20 years, and she was the one

that re-clued me in that with BPD there likely won't be any change or

improvement. I can handle what goes on with fada, but I am having issues

with what the rest of the family will think, when the last they knew fada

was reaching out, and here I am thinking I should maintain the boundaries.

I know I shouldn't care, but I do.

Our family went through a long period where nobody but my brother and our

mother (non-BP) knew what was wrong with fada. The rest of the family

thought my brother and I had been " tainted " by our mother's opinion when our

parents divorced. My fada threw a temper tantrum at my cousin's wedding so

now the whole family knows what we all had to put up with all these years.

So why am I so concerned about them disapproving of my choice now? Is this

a KO thing, to be hypersensitive to family approval?

Just feeling icky about the whole fada situation today.

Jeanine