Re: nada drama and hostage daughter

[Guest guest]

Hi-

I have simular issues with my 10 year old son and my Nada. Plus we

have other issues with my in-laws and our son. In the case of my

Nada, she lives 4 hours away. I asked her to not come over for the

holidays. She is allowed very limited alone time with our son.

Husband and I will judge on a case by case basis how and when she

will ever be left alone with him again. I noticed that as he got

older, around age 8, she began to manipulate him and say bad things

about me to me (in fromt of him) and to him. It really came to a

boil this summer when she threw a giant rage in front of my son and

husband...she had always hidden her rages from husband, although I

told him about them. She also accused our son of lying to us, then

later admitted that he had been right. She had begun to try to

distort his reality and was unable to cover up her own lies.

I would feel very uncomfortable letting my daughter be alone with

Nada, if I were in your shoes. It is your job to protect your

daughter, even if that means that Nada does not have alone time with

the child. It may mean that you can't rely on Nada to take daughter

on Sundays, or for overnights anymore. Your daughter needs you to

set protective boundaries. She should not be used as a pawn by Nada.

You have to do what makes you comfortable as a parent.

It won't be easy, especially if Nada has had lots of unsupervised

visits in the past. It sucks that we have to set boundaries, but we

have to remember that these Nada's are abusive and we must protect

our children from experiencing and witnessing further abuse.

Di.

[Guest guest]

If this was happening to my child, I would immediately stop the

unsupervised time with nada. Nadas have made us feel helpless, but we

are not. You are in charge of yourself, and of your daughter.

Sometimes that means doing things that make our children unhappy at

the time, but we know are for their benefit. Your daughter is

learning a great deal from how you handle this situation. I would

want to show my children that I will take care and protect them, no

matter what it takes.

Sylvia

>

> Nada called me a bitch the day after Christmas. Nothing different

or

> significant about that, except that my daughter heard. She was

> standing outside the door. My daughter, eight, asked her, " Why did

> you call nada a female dog? I heard everything. My mother didn't

do

> anything bad to you. " This sent nada in a tizzy--being confronted

> with behavior different from her facade.

>

> Later, my daughter told me that nada said that I called her a bad

> word, Ego, and that I hurt her feelings all the time and made her

cry.

> She went on to say that nada told her that's why nobody in the

family

> likes me--I always hurt people's feelings and say bad things to

them.

>

> I asked her if she thought that was true. She looked confused and

> said that I hurt her feelings that morning when I told her to do

> something (that I'd told her to do two times before and she

ignored).

> Then she asked me what the bad word Ego meant.

>

> Nada is very angry at me (because she called me a bitch?) and has

cut

> off contact (much to my relief). Unfortunately she will take my

> daughter on Sunday. She has conditioned my daughter to go to church

> with her and spend the entire day over her house. This is basically

> the only time she will see my daughter (she will hardly ever watch

my

> daughter if I need her to so), and it's a part of my daughter's

> routine. My daughter hates any change in her routine. Also, nada

has

> told my daughter that I want to make it so they never see each other

> again. She's very solicitous of my daughter. She has set aside a

> room of her house and keeps a whole wardrobe and set of clothes

there.

> The limited times nada sees her, she basically gives her anything

she

> wants. Nada is careful not to direct her irrational temper towards

my

> daughter. She constantly plays the victim and says I persecute her,

> but my daughter has observed that nada is the one screaming and

> starting the fight. Even so, my daughter plaintively asked me that

I

> not take her grandmother away from her (as I'm sure nada has

> instructed). If I cut off contact with nada, my daughter will

resent

> it terribly.

>

> What can I do?

[Guest guest]

feveredrose wrote:

>Nada is careful not to direct her irrational temper towards my

>daughter. She constantly plays the victim and says I persecute her,

>but my daughter has observed that nada is the one screaming and

>starting the fight. Even so, my daughter plaintively asked me that I

>not take her grandmother away from her (as I'm sure nada has

>instructed). If I cut off contact with nada, my daughter will resent

>it terribly.

>What can I do?

This is no position to put an eight year old girl in. This kind of

tug of war with the child as the rope happens in divorce. The same

thing is happening here. Your daughter needs protection. I would

find another activity on Sundays to keep my child from spending so

much time with Nada. Either take her to church yourself or find

something else she and you can enjoy together. She is your child, not

your nada's. You have the responsibility to protect her. I can think

of nothing worse for a young child than having your mother's

credability undermined by another authority figure. Your daughter is

so young and impressionable. You shouldn't have to be defending

yourself to her. Your Nada needs to be removed from the role she has

assumed with your daughter.

Your daughter may seem unhappy at first, but if you are brave enough

to really BE her mother and protect her she will come to understand in

time how much you love her. She will have a chance of not being

completely screwed up by your Nada.

For your daughters sake and for your sake I hope you can find a

solution that will remove your daughter from being alone with your

Nada.... Maybe even from seeing her, if she remains so destructive.

Think of what is best for your daughter.

Dee

[Guest guest]

Dear Rose,

If your daughter asked you if she could have candy for dinner every

night, would you let her? Even if she begged and pleaded and really

really wanted candy and truly believed it was better for her than

vegetables? I feel this is no different. Nada is bad for your

daughter, and you too. She can't be allowed to hurt the two of you

this way; please don't let her. I understand that the application

is complicated and difficult. But the truth underneath is simple:

you love your daughter and that must come first.

Charlie

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for your replies and insight.

You are advising me to stand up for my daughter and myself with

courage and immediately limit contact with nada. I know that this is

what I have to do--no more unsupervised visits.

I have been very enmeshed with her and allow her to manipulate me. I

still see myself through her eyes and feel inherently defective

sometimes. I'm pretty isolated.

It's very easy to feel as if I'm the only person in the world who has

to deal with crap like this--and that's the value of this group, to

know that in no way I'm alone.

Thank you so much.

[Guest guest]

I was thinking about you and this problem today. I realized that

although the 'answer' may seem clear to others (me included), it is

not so easy to follow through on because of things like the

enmeshment, and because of whatever other conditioning you may have

received from your nada. Sometimes, you just have to go forward, in

spite of insecurities and fears. And when you do, you will also have

the people on this board to talk to and to continue to get the

support that you are looking for.

Take care,

Sylvia

>

>

> Thank you so much for your replies and insight.

>

> You are advising me to stand up for my daughter and myself with

> courage and immediately limit contact with nada. I know that this

is

> what I have to do--no more unsupervised visits.

>

> I have been very enmeshed with her and allow her to manipulate me.

I

> still see myself through her eyes and feel inherently defective

> sometimes. I'm pretty isolated.

>

> It's very easy to feel as if I'm the only person in the world who

has

> to deal with crap like this--and that's the value of this group, to

> know that in no way I'm alone.

>

> Thank you so much.

[Guest guest]

I talked to my daughter and she was very agreeable to only seeing nada

with me there.

I have a reprieve from nada confrontation this Sunday because her

soccer coach just called and asked if she could play a game at the

indoor arena that had been rescheduled.

Last year, I cut off contact with nada (she was acting truly

ridiculous), and told my daughter's school she wasn't to contact my

daughter and it worked. Things were better. Then I relaxed and got

sucked in again. She is now more entrenched, manipulative and fearful

that I will cut contact again.

I think if I am firm that my daughter is not to be alone with her, but

not cutting off contact completely, it will be an easier situation.

Thanks again

>

> I was thinking about you and this problem today. I realized that

> although the 'answer' may seem clear to others (me included), it is

> not so easy to follow through on because of things like the

> enmeshment, and because of whatever other conditioning you may have

> received from your nada. Sometimes, you just have to go forward, in

> spite of insecurities and fears. And when you do, you will also have

> the people on this board to talk to and to continue to get the

> support that you are looking for.

>

> Take care,

>

> Sylvia

[Guest guest]

Sylvia: Your words were of great comfort to me. Thank you

feveredrose wrote:

I talked to my daughter and she was very agreeable to only seeing nada

with me there.

I have a reprieve from nada confrontation this Sunday because her

soccer coach just called and asked if she could play a game at the

indoor arena that had been rescheduled.

Last year, I cut off contact with nada (she was acting truly

ridiculous), and told my daughter's school she wasn't to contact my

daughter and it worked. Things were better. Then I relaxed and got

sucked in again. She is now more entrenched, manipulative and fearful

that I will cut contact again.

I think if I am firm that my daughter is not to be alone with her, but

not cutting off contact completely, it will be an easier situation.

Thanks again

>

> I was thinking about you and this problem today. I realized that

> although the 'answer' may seem clear to others (me included), it is

> not so easy to follow through on because of things like the

> enmeshment, and because of whatever other conditioning you may have

> received from your nada. Sometimes, you just have to go forward, in

> spite of insecurities and fears. And when you do, you will also have

> the people on this board to talk to and to continue to get the

> support that you are looking for.

>

> Take care,

>

> Sylvia

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