Guest guest Posted December 28, 2004 Report Share Posted December 28, 2004 > To describe or attempt to explain it as not > knowing better seems somehow to trivialize it. > I think a lot of Nada's know > better but their personal need is greater than anyone else's. Interesting thoughts, , but I don't think they apply too well to my Nada. I am not trying to defend her, just to understand. I think she is totally unaware of her needs and feelings. I have asked her to talk about her feelings and she cannot comprehend my question. If she responds at all, she tries to talk about my feelings (not what they really are, but as projections of her). All this is so crazy-making, the only way I can protect myself from it is to stay away. That is the value of what I have learned: I can never communicate with her except on the most superficial level, and it is dangerous to me to try. - Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 29, 2004 Report Share Posted December 29, 2004 Dan wrote: > >>I was also told the same thing, " she didn't mean to hurt you " > > My take on my Nada now is that she did mean well. She did the best > > she could. (snip) Edith: > Yup! She did the very best she could with what she had to work with. (snip) This is something I recently have realized as well. Doing so has helped me dissipate some of the anger at the " unfairness " of it all. It's also enabled me to deal more directly with her behavior, somehow. Not quite sure how that one works, but it seems to. I still am angry, exasperated, etc., but at least now I understand there isn't any inherent rational maliciousness or rational hate towards me on her part. Not that it makes it *better*, per se, but it helps me to understand. Hope that makes sense. :/ Edith: > And the job we KOs were left with was to: > - pull out all her emotional *hooks*, > - rectify all the lies we were told, > - straighten out her cognitive distortions we bought, > - rid ourselves of our fleas, & etc etc etc. Yes. Edith: > Its like Lawson wrote on p 303 of UBM, " Adult children of borderline > motherrs must return to the past for the sake of their future. The last > half of their lives can become the best half if they disinter the real > self and rediscover their lost exuberance, their own free will, and > their uninhibited creative self. " Yes- I love this. It gives me hope. -Ilex Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 29, 2004 Report Share Posted December 29, 2004 > > >>I was also told the same thing, " she didn't mean to hurt you " > > > My take on my Nada now is that she did mean well. She did the best > > > she could. > (snip) > > > Edith: > > Yup! She did the very best she could with what she had to work with. > (snip) > > This is something I recently have realized as well. Doing so has > helped me dissipate some of the anger at the " unfairness " of it all. > It's also enabled me to deal more directly with her behavior, somehow. > Not quite sure how that one works, but it seems to. > I still am angry, exasperated, etc., but at least now I understand > there isn't any inherent rational maliciousness or rational hate > towards me on her part. Not that it makes it *better*, per se, but it > helps me to understand. > Hope that makes sense. :/ > > Edith: > > And the job we KOs were left with was to: > > - pull out all her emotional *hooks*, > > - rectify all the lies we were told, > > - straighten out her cognitive distortions we bought, > > - rid ourselves of our fleas, & etc etc etc. > > Yes. > > > Edith: > > Its like Lawson wrote on p 303 of UBM, " Adult children of borderline > > motherrs must return to the past for the sake of their future. The last > > half of their lives can become the best half if they disinter the real > > self and rediscover their lost exuberance, their own free will, and > > their uninhibited creative self. " > > > Yes- I love this. It gives me hope. > > -Ilex Greetings all I'm a newbie at the recommendation of a friend with a nada (like me). Lawson is spot on,IMO. Some of the book was hard to read (who put that video camera in my house, anyway?) but also liberating. I'm in the process of cleaning out the vestigial remains (I hope) of the Oz factor and triggers. It ain't easy, but I think I'm making progress. I do have a question for others, however. Is it likely that one can truly get rid of those once and for all, or is a more realistic goal one of mitigation? Thanks huera Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2004 Report Share Posted December 30, 2004 <All this is so crazy-making, the only way I can protect myself from it is to stay away. That is the value of what I have learned: I can never communicate with her except on the most superficial level, and it is dangerous to me to try.> I'm with you here Dan. As I became older (40's), I started to turn away from my Mother's machinations. I too realized how dangerous she was and how much I needed to preserve whatever self I had by staying away from her. The only real problem with this strategy was that it broke my heart. It so hurt me to make this decision that if I had my life over, even knowing what I know now, I would probably still hesitate. However, (there is probably nowhere else I could say this but)....I have never known such peace and happiness as I have since the time she passed away last year. The struggle is over. I am free. But it did take her death to reach this point. I know if she was alive I would still be trying to make things right....somehow. . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2004 Report Share Posted December 30, 2004 <<I felt the same way when my nada passed. The primary emotion was relief. A huge burden was lifted. And then some sadness because I knew there was no long a possibility, however remote, that I would have a real mother at some point. So I grieved more for the loss of something that had no chance of being, rather than what was.>> Yes, this is exactly what I felt. I grieved for what could have been. I couldn't grieve in the traditional sense because there wasn't really anything to grieve for. But I was still desperately heartsore. It was a bad time. Most people didn't understand what I had longed for so they didn't expect me to feel any sadness. After a typical death, people would be sorry for your loss. When my Mother passed, I got little sympathy because people assumed I'd be happy. Yet another, if final blow, in the legacy of being any Nada's child. It took me a little while to link my newfound happiness and lightness to my Mother's death. One day, I thought, " Damn I'm happy " ...and then the lightbulb moment occurred. After I became used to the fact that I could never again call her, it dawned on me she would never again call me. Oh my God, please say it isn't so....there'd be no more vile phone calls from her ever, no-one was ever going to hurt me that much again; in my lifetime no-one would be born who would ever put me thru that paralyzing agony. The fight to be loved was over. It took me some time to adjust to this most peculiar loss. I was befeft. And then suddenly, I began to notice just how many people really like and love me. How odd. I had never had to ask for their love or engaged in any unwitting competition or clash of wills with them. Apparently, they just liked me. What a boost to my confidence. What marvelous permission to simply be me. Why hadn't I noticed them all along? Why were they hidden away behind that most important of all things - getting HER attention? Well, you know...... Sad and wiser, . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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