KO triggers

[Guest guest]

For the last 24 hours I have been dealing with KO negative feelings.

Those messages, your stupid, you do not know anything have crept up

behind me and hit full force. I am thinking this may be a result of

talking to nada twice this week. I got hoovered into her world on

the second call. " Well when you come to visit me you can do blah

blah blah (I offered a solution to a problem and this was her answer

to me---hoovered). And the minute nada said this I knew what had

happened. Arrgggh

A quiz on my email, can you remember this threw me into turmoil and I

began crying because I could not remember much of the quiz. It was

one of the quizes that simply are exchanged with friends and it is

not a biggy. Not being able to answer the questions " correctly " was

a trigger for me. I cannot play card games etc with others because I

feel so stupid in a social situation. My DH is coazing me out of

this self imposed prision by getting me to play a few card games with

him. I do remember freezing so much play cards. Terrible memories

of self inflicted negative talk.

Today I went to a do it yourself car wash and nearly left because I

was experiencing so much anxiety trying to figure out what to do. I

did stay and washed my car; the experience was very upsetting to me.

For the car wash, I think I will simply go there was watch and ask

other people questions about how they wash their car. Time to learn

a new skill. I know it would be ok to ask DH, just think I need to

reassure myself by asking questions from other people.

Getting lots of triggers throughout the day; this too shall pass.

Sincerely hope everyone has an enjoyable New Years and positive

things happen to you. take care, mg

[Guest guest]

Hi,

Sometimes the fear of what others think of us can be terrifying,

especially for KO's because we WERE attacked, judged and picked

apart as children. And by the very person who should have been

loving, forgiving and supportive. When I first began recovery in a

12 step group years ago, I had a friend who would tell me " You're

not that important " when I would wonder what others thought of me.

She wasn't being insensitive, she was letting me know that not

everyone was watching my every move to monitor if it was perfect,

people have other things to think about.

I was hyper vigilant and externally focused because that is how I

had to be as a child. Just like a soldier constantly aware of hidden

dangers. Problem was, there was nobody out to attack me as an adult,

it was a misperception carried over from childhood, a survival

tactic that no longer worked in my adult environment. I had to learn

to interact with people and it happened very slowly.

When it comes to negative self talk, I think as we embrace OUR truth

about who we are we can begin to feel better about ourselves. But if

you are around somebody who is toxic and undoing any progress you

make then it will be a very slow journey and nada may sabotage most

of your efforts. That is why I had to break all contact with my

nada. I couldn't stay in contact because she still plugged in to me

even when I thought I was protecting my self with boundaries. Her

influence on me ran so deep that I had to end ALL contact.

Anyway, back to negative self talk, it is like a merry go round that

is constantly running and once we get on it is tough to jump off.

Its an endless loop that keeps replaying and we get stuck in it.

For all its negativity, it still has a reward and that reward is its

familiarity. Its a childhood behavior that we continue to play until

we replace it with something else. It keeps us powerless and in that

powerlessness we don't have to face any new challenges. We can go

inward and hide. Maybe we needed that hiding place with nada around

because she would just kick us again if we got up. But at some

point, as adults, those behaviors work against us and keep us stuck.

It takes courage to say I am good enough and begin that shift in

perception because then we are assuming responsibility for how we

feel about ourselves and beginning to own our truth about our worth.

Even though it is scary, it is quite empowering because with every

positive message we are replacing nada's messages that still play in

our head and when they still play in our head, then she still lives

in our head.

Every time we beat ourselves up we are forgetting the truth and

choosing to live in that dark place where we are small and

insignificant, the illusory world of nada, the place where she feeds

and we are the main course. And that world is devoid of light, hope

and truth.

Okay, so that's a little dramatic (I always refer to nada as a

vampire, hmmm..) but still, we should remember that we are

continuing nadas sickness and madness every time we are mean to

ourselves and that can be one hell of an incentive to stop.

Don't know if this helps. I hope you begin the shift to feeling your

power and worth. It is all part of breaking away from the lies we

were told and realizing our own truth about ourselves. Not nada's

truth, but our own.

Take care,