Re: Halloween night and children/Kims Night

November 1, 2004

Hi Sylvia,

Yes, it is great fun breaking those cycles =) So much more fun enjoying the

children, and watching such happiness as they ran from house to house, I

should have had my tennis shoes on lol!!

This AM I spoke to husband about the situation with son, I told him that I

would not tolerate that type of aggression, and abuse towards any of the

children. He immediately attacked me, i.e., by saying, " HEY, you have no clue

what

that kid did to me! He ran in the house to drop something off, and ran right

back out, I ran after him and told him it was time to come home, he did not

obey me and kept running, so I had no other option than to GRAB him! Not only

that, but I will not tolerate his *DISRESPECT* towards me. " So I stood my

ground and told him that the child simply had run back outside because I told

him that he could. My son had left his bag of candy at the neighbors house

(which happened to be HIS BACK PACK for school) so I felt it important that he

run back and get his stuff and come home ASAP...

Husband continued to say, " Well, I really don't care, he was disrespectful

to me and THAT will never be tolerated! " So today I was thinking about how on

Sat, I asked son nicely, like 300 times to please sit and do homework, as son

sat there and said " NO, you can't make me, and I AM not in the mood to

anyhow! " I then asked him to please pick up his room, in which he starts

yelling at

me, " Shut up, I am not going to pick up my room, I don't care if it is

messy. " Finally I ask husband for support in dealing with son, and you want to

know what happened? HUSBAND starts to giggle, laugh, in front of my son, and

then son starts to make fun of me, while I say to husband, " This is not

appropriate, please get a hold of yourself and understand that we stick

together

here. " For some reason, husband just couldn't stop giggling, and son just took

over with jokes, laughter etc.....WEIRD? I think so-

After husband did what he did to 13 yr old son, son sobbed on couch with me

holding him, hugging him and telling him everything would be OK. He told me

how embarrassed he was that his friends saw father flip out, and how much

stress he was under, the bar mitzvah, school, etc, etc, all I could do was say

that I understood that he was under a great deal of stress, and that he

probably

needed a nice night of sleep. Told him not to worry, I am here to pick him

up when he falls, even if he is 13, I assured him that all would be OK. Told

son that he had a great idea re:anger management for dad, and maybe we should

all go see someone together. That helped him a lot, and 10 minutes later he

was asleep in his bed, I covered him up, kissed him and whispered how much I

loved him.

Background info, HUSBAND was demanded to " RESPECT " parents under any and all

circumstances. That was always the word they used, " You MUST RESPECT us, we

are your parents! " I am a bit more rebellious, so when we were younger and

married, I explained to husband that you don't just get to be respected, YOU

EARN IT. I never got caught up in that BS, I suppose because of my own history

and all the therapy I had. Husband absolutely HATES therapy, we have been to

so many different people, only once did things go OK, but the therapist had to

call me on the QT to ask me 1000 questions about the *REAL* background of

both families, I felt like I was doing all the work for the therapist ughhh....

Seriously, I think my urge to get away from both families is so that we can

grow as a family without husbands dad telling him all that he does wrong, a

mother who loves him so very much, but just cannot stop nagging at him, me, my

children etc.those mood swings....To be free from all this would probably

release a heck of a lot of stress husband has locked up in his own head. He

needs to go back and remember how much he hated being told he had to *RESPECT*

all family no matter what had happened. The vicious cycle follows him,

internallywithin him I watch him escape from the real world reading book, after

book, not looking after his body and soul. Rather sad to watch, and perhaps he

sees me getting stronger and healthier, and that touches on his insecurity? He

uses $ as a form of control with me (thank gosh I am a saver) and I just will

not tolerate that. I am not out getting my nails done, spending any $ on

anything other than bills and my childrens needs (health/clothing etc).....

To me my childrens well being comes 1st. Not vacations time alone, not the

way my husband was raised and CLEARLY not the way I was raised.

Thank you Sylvia for the kind comments about me, it sure is hard to hold my

head up above water, but I have to do it. Yes, indeed the others have not been

functioning in a manner that I would say is positive. All is about

perfection for them, where I have let go of that " perfection " syndrome =) Walk

through my house with beds not made and I will not be upset or nervous, I don't

care who comes in, I find homes that are too clean, impossible to feel comfy

in.

Last night in-laws came over, FIL watched football game on couch and was

happy as could be...MIL gets tired after 45 minutes and says 5 times to FIL,

" LETS GO-NOW!!!! "

Yup this is a hard time for me, and I will post away, it feels better when I

do, even better to read what others go through as so much is so very similar.

Just gotta keep myself UP, until after this huge party is over with. My son

is so excited to have the party for himself (adults will be in a different

room than the kiddos), I might just end up partying away with the children =)

It's my son's day, he did all the learning, went to all his classes, and I AM

so proud of him =)

Again I thank you- but I wonder about one thing, if I am the only one who

has her heart in the right place, head on right etc...What will end up happening

as I get stronger and better? I have no idea -

Thanks, anyone if free to add comments, I am interested as I really am not

sure-

Oh and YES husband was projecting onto son, yes son hit a hot button in dad

(son had no idea), I know why....Husband has turned into that father he went

head to head with, *DISRESPECT* was the answer to it all (unfortunately for my

son)......

Yours,

Kim(berley

In a message dated 11/1/2004 7:49:27 AM Eastern Standard Time,

smhtrain2@... writes:

Kim,

I was glad to read how much fun you and your children had on

Halloween. It is bittersweet to enjoy our children's good times

while still feeling the pain of our own experiences. The good thing

is that you are breaking your nada's pattern with your own children.

I am very concerned about the episode between your husband and son -

that is abuse. Your husband seems to be very supportive in so many

ways, but he shouldn't be treating his son that way. Maybe your son's

behavior triggered something in hubby that caused all of this - but

hubby needs to work this out and not take it out on son. Your son's

request that his dad go to anger management made me think of the

saying about 'the truth being spoken out of the mouth of babes'.

I wrote this before - I think that in this whole jumble of adults

(nada, MIL, FIL, hubby) - you are the one who has her head and heart

in the right place. You really have so much to deal with since all

these people are not really functioning very well. Keep on posting

here - we are in your corner, and supporting you.

Sylvia

November 1, 2004