Guest guest Posted March 25, 2005 Report Share Posted March 25, 2005 Hold yourself tightly Sylvia; I'm there. Hold onto me, and I'll hold onto you. How could anyone fail to see that we are wonderful; that our love is precious? 'Our' Dishrag-Dad doesn't want to see that his excusing such spiteful behavior is enabling; and has given nada permission to attack and destroy us, his own children. My most vivid visual image of nada's 'house' is FIRE ... and in this dream Dad runs out closely behind her ... leaving the children to find their own escape route; and we did. It is OK now, we can breath now. We are safe. { * } Hug and sister kiss, Carol In a message dated 3/25/2005 9:27:57 PM Pacific Standard Time, smhtrain2@... writes: Hi everyone, I have been feeling really bad the last two days. I think the term is 'consumed with guilt'. I am blaming myself for hurting my dad by sending the letters I wrote...and yes, for hurting nada too. But it does seem worse about my dad. Funny that this is EXACTLY how I felt 40 years ago too, if I told either of my parents that I didn't like what they were doing and how it affected me. I know that this guilt is not appropriate. But I am still at the point where what I know and what I feel do not match. All my emotions are doing is imagining what happened at my parents house when they received the letters, and feeling guilty for causing that to happen. My emotions are saying...how could you do this? And I do quickly answer...because I had to do it to re-establish my boundaries and maintain my sense of 'self'. And emotions reply - but you sent that letter to two elderly people who are just not going to understand what you are saying, and are going to be very hurt about what you wrote. And that is where I get stuck. Is this connected to my being programmed that no matter what I did/do, it is not the right thing? And I think I am also experienced what I wrote about a few days ago....I am taking on the hurt that nada and dad might be feeling, in addition to my own hurt. Sticking up for yourself is very hard when you have not had it be part of you for most of your life. So, as it said in one of Free's recent posts....I'm talking about my feelings with friends....and asking for what I need....some KO hugs. Sylvia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 25, 2005 Report Share Posted March 25, 2005 Hi everyone, I have been feeling really bad the last two days. I think the term is 'consumed with guilt'. I am blaming myself for hurting my dad by sending the letters I wrote...and yes, for hurting nada too. But it does seem worse about my dad. Funny that this is EXACTLY how I felt 40 years ago too, if I told either of my parents that I didn't like what they were doing and how it affected me. I know that this guilt is not appropriate. But I am still at the point where what I know and what I feel do not match. All my emotions are doing is imagining what happened at my parents house when they received the letters, and feeling guilty for causing that to happen. My emotions are saying...how could you do this? And I do quickly answer...because I had to do it to re-establish my boundaries and maintain my sense of 'self'. And emotions reply - but you sent that letter to two elderly people who are just not going to understand what you are saying, and are going to be very hurt about what you wrote. And that is where I get stuck. Is this connected to my being programmed that no matter what I did/do, it is not the right thing? And I think I am also experienced what I wrote about a few days ago....I am taking on the hurt that nada and dad might be feeling, in addition to my own hurt. Sticking up for yourself is very hard when you have not had it be part of you for most of your life. So, as it said in one of Free's recent posts....I'm talking about my feelings with friends....and asking for what I need....some KO hugs. Sylvia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 25, 2005 Report Share Posted March 25, 2005 {{{{Sylvia}}}}} I command that all the good feelings you have caused for others on this list will now come back to you and surround you. Did it work? It's so very hard that protecting yourself causes harm (or at least discomfort) to your family. But remember that you didn't make it that way. It's nada who made it that way. A loving mother would want what's best for her child. Remember what it says towards the end of UBM--loving mothers WANT to know if they are hurting their children, even subconsciously, so that they can change it. It will be okay. Maybe you are fighting the primordial instinct to feel that your parents are there to protect you--which means you would have to accept their reality. I know it's hard. Remember that by preventing them from acting destructively, you are doing a MORE loving thing than if you did what they 'want' (to harm you). --Charlie > > Hi everyone, > > I have been feeling really bad the last two days. I think the term > is 'consumed with guilt'. I am blaming myself for hurting my dad by > sending the letters I wrote...and yes, for hurting nada too. But it > does seem worse about my dad. Funny that this is EXACTLY how I felt > 40 years ago too, if I told either of my parents that I didn't like > what they were doing and how it affected me. > > I know that this guilt is not appropriate. But I am still at the > point where what I know and what I feel do not match. All my > emotions are doing is imagining what happened at my parents house > when they received the letters, and feeling guilty for causing that > to happen. My emotions are saying...how could you do this? And I do > quickly answer...because I had to do it to re-establish my boundaries > and maintain my sense of 'self'. And emotions reply - but you sent > that letter to two elderly people who are just not going to > understand what you are saying, and are going to be very hurt about > what you wrote. And that is where I get stuck. Is this connected to > my being programmed that no matter what I did/do, it is not the right > thing? > > And I think I am also experienced what I wrote about a few days > ago....I am taking on the hurt that nada and dad might be feeling, in > addition to my own hurt. Sticking up for yourself is very hard when > you have not had it be part of you for most of your life. > > So, as it said in one of Free's recent posts....I'm talking about my > feelings with friends....and asking for what I need....some KO hugs. > > Sylvia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 25, 2005 Report Share Posted March 25, 2005 Hi Sylvia, I felt the same way after I sent the letters. It may have been a little easier for me because I was still in contact and nada's childish reaction made me angry. In your case, maybe you are imagining them feeling crushed by your words and maybe even seeing them as victims. This nada business is tough. There are no easy ways sometimes and you are at an important part of recovery, where you confront your abusers and lay the truth of what they did on their doorstep instead of carrying it around. The guilt will subside. They aren't helpless victims anymore than you are an ungrateful daughter. That is all part of the nada illusion. Your dad has chosen, as did mine, to stay with someone abusive and that is not your fault, nor your responsibility. We tiptoed around and swallowed anger for dish rag dad for years and that's screwed up too. We sacrificed our feelings so that he wouldn't pay. I know it hurts to realize that your foo is not even close to who you tried to pretend they were, but you did something to help your self to be free and that ain't always easy. Sometimes its the hardest thing in the world; to be true to oneself when we were taught to betray ourselves. BUT, it is a good thing and you will gain strength from it that you can't even yet imagine. Sending ((BIG HUGS)) to Sylvia. You are a very loving and caring person. Please don't beat your self up. You don't deserve it. Take care, > > Hi everyone, > > I have been feeling really bad the last two days. I think the term > is 'consumed with guilt'. I am blaming myself for hurting my dad by > sending the letters I wrote...and yes, for hurting nada too. But it > does seem worse about my dad. Funny that this is EXACTLY how I felt > 40 years ago too, if I told either of my parents that I didn't like > what they were doing and how it affected me. > > I know that this guilt is not appropriate. But I am still at the > point where what I know and what I feel do not match. All my > emotions are doing is imagining what happened at my parents house > when they received the letters, and feeling guilty for causing that > to happen. My emotions are saying...how could you do this? And I do > quickly answer...because I had to do it to re-establish my boundaries > and maintain my sense of 'self'. And emotions reply - but you sent > that letter to two elderly people who are just not going to > understand what you are saying, and are going to be very hurt about > what you wrote. And that is where I get stuck. Is this connected to > my being programmed that no matter what I did/do, it is not the right > thing? > > And I think I am also experienced what I wrote about a few days > ago....I am taking on the hurt that nada and dad might be feeling, in > addition to my own hurt. Sticking up for yourself is very hard when > you have not had it be part of you for most of your life. > > So, as it said in one of Free's recent posts....I'm talking about my > feelings with friends....and asking for what I need....some KO hugs. > > Sylvia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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