Re: how do you deal/delfect this

[Guest guest]

Hi CD,

Nada treating my children badly was the primary reason I've kept them away

from her. Nada's don't improve with age; mine has actually become much worse,

71. I've confronted her about demeaning my sons, she just turns it back and

says 'what are you afraid of'...as if prohibiting her rude, vulgar questioning

is 'hiding something'. I don't think there is a way to 'deal' with it.

SWOE is a great book. Have you read 'Understanding The Borderline Mother'?

Very good advise on just these problems. Carol

In a message dated 4/17/04 2:35:23 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

dekas103@... writes:

Recently my daughter, granddaughter and myself traveled to visit my

nada. I have kept a distance from nada for as long as I remember

because I could not deal with the personality stuff. I want to have

a relationship my nada (she is 83 this year and time goes by so

quickly) and also to protect myself during contact. When we were

visiting, my nada asked me a question about my daughter as my

daughter was in the room. This brought back many memories of nada

speaking to someone else about me when I was in the room. So many

times I felt she thought I was invisible. Hearing her talk to me

about my daughter triggered those memories. How do you handle this

(is it ganging up on someone, she talks about someone that is in the

room as if the person is not even there); what are some of the

techniques you use? Thank you so much, I am so grateful for this

site. I am slowly reading Walking on Eggshells. take care, cd

[Guest guest]

hi cd,

how come your daughter didn't say anything?

in a non-threatening situation, i'd probably say something like -

you DO realize she's sitting right there??

i say non-threatening b/c i know how hard it is to do or say

something that involves very hurtful, old feelings. for me it's

either get really angry (which makes ME look like the bad guy) or

say nothing.

karen

> Recently my daughter, granddaughter and myself traveled to visit

my

> nada. I have kept a distance from nada for as long as I remember

> because I could not deal with the personality stuff. I want to

have

> a relationship my nada (she is 83 this year and time goes by so

> quickly) and also to protect myself during contact. When we were

> visiting, my nada asked me a question about my daughter as my

> daughter was in the room. This brought back many memories of nada

> speaking to someone else about me when I was in the room. So many

> times I felt she thought I was invisible. Hearing her talk to me

> about my daughter triggered those memories. How do you handle

this

> (is it ganging up on someone, she talks about someone that is in

the

> room as if the person is not even there); what are some of the

> techniques you use? Thank you so much, I am so grateful for this

> site. I am slowly reading Walking on Eggshells. take care, cd

[Guest guest]

-Good point Debbie. I just wrote something similar and got shut down

by my computer.

To speak about someone as if they are not present is treating them as

a " non-person " Yet I do think it can be quite a common behavior,

especially with children and elederly (being the ones treated as non-

persons). Often - simply red-directing the conversation TO that

person guides the conversation in that direction...usually pretty

smoothly.

This post also reminded me of when I took my son to a job counselor

at a rehabilitation agency. The counselor spent a little bit of time

talking TO my son - and then oriented her body away from him and

toward me - and began asking ME questions he could have answer.

Well - my son - figuring his part had ended - made his great escape

and left the room.

The counselor was shocked! She said " Did he just GET UP and WALK

OUT??? " looking at me like it was something horrific to have done. My

KO sarcasm wanted to kick in and reply " No. He's still here. "

She then informed me that she probably couldn't place him in a job if

he was going to " act like that. " ( I was thinking if that behavior

scared her - I should invite her over for the night sometime. He

could top that in a heartbeat! ) But I tried to explain to her:

1. That he left because she stopped talking to him and he thought she

was finished.

2. His behaviors WERE his " disability " - and to say he coudn't get a

job if he acted like that would be similar to telling a blind person

they couldn't find them a job until they could see.

I guess her and I didn't see eye to eye on that one. Nor did she see

that if she was capable of holding a counselor position while

treating her clients as non-persons - there was probably hope for my

son to find a job also. She couldn't see her own behavior.

Free

-- In ModOasis , " Deborah Kovak " <foundmy@s...> wrote:

> I usually just say something like this:

> I don't really know for sure, you'll have to ask her.

> That way it frees you from making your daughter feel the same way

that you

> did & it lets your mother know that she is to direct her questions

to the

> proper party.

> If done in the right tone it cannot be used against you in any way

unless

> she just wants to pick a fight with you.

> Debbie

> how do you deal/delfect this

>

>

> > Recently my daughter, granddaughter and myself traveled to visit

my

> > nada. I have kept a distance from nada for as long as I remember

> > because I could not deal with the personality stuff. I want to

have

> > a relationship my nada (she is 83 this year and time goes by so

> > quickly) and also to protect myself during contact. When we were

> > visiting, my nada asked me a question about my daughter as my

> > daughter was in the room. This brought back many memories of nada

> > speaking to someone else about me when I was in the room. So many

> > times I felt she thought I was invisible. Hearing her talk to me

> > about my daughter triggered those memories. How do you handle

this

> > (is it ganging up on someone, she talks about someone that is in

the

> > room as if the person is not even there); what are some of the

> > techniques you use? Thank you so much, I am so grateful for this

> > site. I am slowly reading Walking on Eggshells. take care, cd

> >

> >

> >

> > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered

via

> 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

> > http://www.BPDCentral.com

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > ------------------------------------------------------------------

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> ------

> >

[Guest guest]

I usually just say something like this:

I don't really know for sure, you'll have to ask her.

That way it frees you from making your daughter feel the same way that you

did & it lets your mother know that she is to direct her questions to the

proper party.

If done in the right tone it cannot be used against you in any way unless

she just wants to pick a fight with you.

Debbie

how do you deal/delfect this

> Recently my daughter, granddaughter and myself traveled to visit my

> nada. I have kept a distance from nada for as long as I remember

> because I could not deal with the personality stuff. I want to have

> a relationship my nada (she is 83 this year and time goes by so

> quickly) and also to protect myself during contact. When we were

> visiting, my nada asked me a question about my daughter as my

> daughter was in the room. This brought back many memories of nada

> speaking to someone else about me when I was in the room. So many

> times I felt she thought I was invisible. Hearing her talk to me

> about my daughter triggered those memories. How do you handle this

> (is it ganging up on someone, she talks about someone that is in the

> room as if the person is not even there); what are some of the

> techniques you use? Thank you so much, I am so grateful for this

> site. I am slowly reading Walking on Eggshells. take care, cd

>

>

>

> Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

> http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

>

>

>

> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

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>