Re: Spreading holiday cheer

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

Oh, you poor thing. Well, that's what you get for being nice. ;)Our

capacity to keep trying is pretty limitless, isn't it? You just can't

help it--you keep getting filled up with love and hope. I know you

are a delight to all those around you--except one. Not a bad track

record.

And I think you're taking it very maturely. My first reaction when

you said you expect her to contact you was RUN! HIDE! USE YOUR

CALLER ID!

Don't beat yourself up. You did a nice thing. I'm sorry it was

thrown back in your face. But you did a very, very nice thing.

Les

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

When I was a kid we weren't allowed to make " mistakes " , let alone learn

from making them. But that's one of the ways that ppl normally learn -

its called trial-and-error learning. In recovery, I had to learn to

accept that it was OK to make mistakes. Also, because learning requires

a willingness to be bad at something for a while, I had to learn to be

patient with my self.

So the way I see it, , you done good by giving in to 'the spirit

of the season' but I bet you won't make that 'mistake' again -- ie, by

including your nada in a group gift. By returning it to the store, your

nada overstepped your brother's rights to enjoy their share of the gift.

And now you can see more clearly who to be nice to.

<thumbs up>

- Edith

sherby2k wrote:

> Hi all,

>

> Well, I guess the spirit of the season got the best of me. In a fit

> of holiday giving I ordered a nice group gift and had it sent to

> nada's house - my two younger brothers will be stuck there with her

> this year, and I wanted to just let them know I hadn't forgotten

> about them. And, I guess on some level I just felt like being nice

> this year, without having to pick and choose who to be nice to.

>

> Well that was just a bad idea. The package arrived earlier than I

> thought, and my younger brother emailed me yesterday to say that

> nada is returning it, unopened, to the store that sent it to her.

> According to him, she was flipping out about her " boundaries " being

> violated. She hasn't contacted me yet, but I expect something nasty

> from her in the next day or so.

>

> I don't know why, but it hurt my feelings. And then I got really,

> really angry at myself for being so stupid. Did I expect anything

> different? Why would I do such a dumb thing?

>

> I'm trying really hard not to beat myself up over this one. I should

> have known better, but I shouldn't punish myself over it. She's the

> one who's insane, not me. I forget what she's like because it's

> human nature to want to get past things, to move on, to become

> better people. I don't know, maybe a deep-down part of me was hoping

> that a normal mother would just appear from the other end of that

> Christmas gift. Perhaps I'm still hoping for a mother.

>

> I have to question my own sanity when I do stuff like that.

>

> Thanks - I think I just needed to share.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Les,

I thought I was past all the hope stuff, you know? But I think

because my life is filling up with light and happiness in other

areas, and as I heal, I'm getting softer, less defensive, more

forgiving. I just have to be careful to protect that soft side from

nada! Sad, but true.

I guess in some ways the whole thing is a really good reminder as to

why I don't have her in my life. Today I'm trying to concentrate on

the ways I've been blessed, and that's certainly one of them.

>

> Dear ,

> Oh, you poor thing. Well, that's what you get for being nice.

Our

> capacity to keep trying is pretty limitless, isn't it? You just

can't

> help it--you keep getting filled up with love and hope. I know you

> are a delight to all those around you--except one. Not a bad track

> record.

>

> And I think you're taking it very maturely. My first reaction when

> you said you expect her to contact you was RUN! HIDE! USE YOUR

> CALLER ID!

>

> Don't beat yourself up. You did a nice thing. I'm sorry it was

> thrown back in your face. But you did a very, very nice thing.

> Les

[Guest guest]

> When I was a kid we weren't allowed to make " mistakes " , let alone

>learn from making them. But that's one of the ways that ppl

>normally learn - its called trial-and-error learning.

This is extremely difficult for me, how to allow myself to make

mistakes. I'm trying to re-wire my thoughts today, not to berate

myself for what I did. Normally I'd spend days feeling terrible and

angry about stuff like this.

> So the way I see it, , you done good by giving in to 'the

>spirit of the season' but I bet you won't make that 'mistake'

>again -- ie, by including your nada in a group gift.

Thanks, Edith. I've already been thinking about ways to manage this

in the future. Maybe when I have moments of Christmas generosity and

I think about giving something to nada, I'll just donate that money

to a charity or something. Then, indirectly, she'll have done

something nice for someone else . Is there a charity for children

of BPD parents?

> By returning it to the store, your nada overstepped your brother's

>rights to enjoy their share of the gift.

That's true. He said he was way too afraid to try and grab the

package before she could send it back. I told him not to bother - it

wouldn't be worth the hell that would follow. I also told him to

stop being her messenger boy. She triangulates with anyone she can

find, and it ruins other relationships as well as her own.