Guest guest Posted June 6, 2004 Report Share Posted June 6, 2004 > (I always tried to " buy her love " but she would > give me the cheapest crap, sigh) boy do I know that ! I told my mother I don't want any gifts from her. I know " it's the thought that counts " and she'd always remind me of this...but she would buy me a $3 plastic horse. If I was a 6 year old, I'd probably be thrilled, but at 46, I'm just not real happy with the junk... > My nada is a grudge holder, and will never call or " allow " my father to. same here ! Lesile, I almost eloped because my mother took charge of my wedding. We had horrible fights. She wouldn't allow my choice of flowers, colors, I had to wear her old wedding dress...she didn't like the date I set... Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 6, 2004 Report Share Posted June 6, 2004 welcome, Loren. Seems we all have so much in common, even though I'm new here too, I feel like we're all family...we've all lived through it ! You and your fiancé will have to do what's right for the both of you. Your mother not coming to your wedding, while hurtful to you, is her choice, you will not be responsible for her not coming, even though she'll try and make it your fault Jackie > Jackie and , > > I am new to the list as well and just read " SWOE " > after finding out about BPD which explained a lot of > my mother's behavior over the years. After reading > these posts on setting boundaries, I had to write > about my new experiences - especially during a > difficult time for my mother. She is going through a > divorce after 35 years of marriage and is feeling > vulnerable after being financially dependent on > someone who is not very well-off financially. > > On the opposite end of the spectrum, I am engaged and > planning a wedding in December. I had to break from my > mom and concentrate on myself and my fiance. > > I, too, never wanted to admit that she was > dysfunctional. She has had rocky relationships with > family and friends over the years and a bitter one > with my dad. While I always supported her side - even > with my dad (which I now see was a mistake), that > wasn't good enough. It's only gotten worse since I've > been engaged. I've been accused of being so selfish > and emotionally unavailable. > > But it helps to have a loving fiance with a good heart > to help me out of this pattern of submitting to > negativity and demands. My mother's rages and > accusations against me have caused so much stress for > me and my fiance. When he told her how he felt after > my coming home crying, defeated and manipulated one > too many times, then he became the enemy. No one can > stand up to her. She doesn't see us as a team. Having > her in my life right now is too painful for us and too > stressful. When I bring up the possibility of talking > to my mother, my fiance gets so stressed. He's afraid > she'll lace into me and I won't do anything about it. > She's been the source of any arguments we have (which > are very rare) for fear of us having to deal with the > roller coaster ride all of our lives and always being > stressed. > > My mother's birthday is coming up very soon. At most, > I will send her a card, but I still need time before > and if I can talk to her. I'm still in the proces of > absorbing all of this. I wish her the best. This is > very hard and even confusing for me, because I've > never gone without talking to her before - especially > during a birthday, and I'm sure she'll never get over > it. I was always split as the good one over the years > (my brother was split as the bad one) and we were > close, because I overlooked so much and just tried to > be on her good side, being a generally easygoing > person who hates conflict. I don't even know if she'll > come to the wedding. I'll invite her, but... > > Any thoughts or feedback would be much appreciated! > > Loren Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 6, 2004 Report Share Posted June 6, 2004 Loren, " She is going through a divorce after 35 years of marriage… " My parents had just about hit bottom and they were in couples therapy, individual therapy and Nada was seeing psychiatrist who put her on an anti-depressant and ant-psychotic. Things were improving a little until Nada looked up the anti-psychotic in the PDR and saw what it was for… then it came out, the BPD diagnosis, she went into full-48 hour rage (which involved xanax, alcohol, and even a hammer.) We she beat down the door with a hammer that my Dad was locked behind; he pushed her, and maybe even hit her. She took Polaroid's, packed her bags and went to a women's shelter (or so she says, she didn't stay). Dad moved out forever that week. This was over 6 years ago now. They were going through the divorce when my dad died in a car accident. They had married 33 years. BPDs and divorce is a lethal combination. She still refers to herself as a battered wife. " On the opposite end of the spectrum, I am engaged and planning a wedding in December. I had to break from my mom and concentrate on myself and my fiance. " Loren, I just got married in August, and it is a longer story than I can get into right now, BUT it was my breaking point with Nada as she refused to attend. (I'll get into the cause and effect another time, but it was a horrible experience). I am glad she didn't come because her presence would have poisoned the room and it was the most pure and precious moment. Everyone there was truly FOR us. It is so promising that you are already setting boundaries and seeing the important of your fiancées needs already. I didn't read SWOE or find this list until a month later. My Nada has split my husband into all-bad (I'll get into that later). Also, about your N's birthday, I went through that one too. I sent a card that read " thinking of you on your birthday, " b/c I knew she'd rant and rave about how dare I wish her happiness when she is ALONE! But she was pissed that I didn't send the word " Happy " so it was a no- win for me & #61514; Blessings, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 6, 2004 Report Share Posted June 6, 2004 >or " allow " my father to. It took me years to realize that I have never been " allowed " to speak w/ my stepfather without nada being on the other line. It finally dawned (duh) on me one day and I started paying attention to it- sure enough, if he answered, nada would pick up the other line and pretend she didn't know he had answered the phone. I just turned 50- they have been married since 1972 and I have never been " allowed " to have a one-on-one conversation with my stepfather. CONTROL. take care, Christy Re: Setting Boundaries > (I always tried to " buy her love " but she would > give me the cheapest crap, sigh) boy do I know that ! I told my mother I don't want any gifts from her. I know " it's the thought that counts " and she'd always remind me of this...but she would buy me a $3 plastic horse. If I was a 6 year old, I'd probably be thrilled, but at 46, I'm just not real happy with the junk... > My nada is a grudge holder, and will never call or " allow " my father to. same here ! Lesile, I almost eloped because my mother took charge of my wedding. We had horrible fights. She wouldn't allow my choice of flowers, colors, I had to wear her old wedding dress...she didn't like the date I set... Jackie Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to: http://www.BPDCentral.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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