Re: memory - brushing my hair

[Guest guest]

>

I think those

> memories are linked - I just wanted her to notice me and NURTURE

me.

> That's what it is! The immense lack of nurturing....

>

> bobby

Bobby,

I think realizing what we didn't get from a mother is as devastating

as realizing how awful we were treated. One is abuse and the other

neglect. I will sometimes watch a movie and see a mother and

daughter holding each other or sitting very close and talking openly

and the mother seems so loving and it hits me that I have no idea

what that would feel like. This recovery process evoked so much

anger in me in the beginning because I was so pissed off over how I

was treated, but then the sadness came when I realized how much I

didn't get. That part is tough because you're getting into the

underlying pain that, like the anger, never had a voice. The

grieving for the mother I never had was such a part of my recovery

and sometimes I got nada confuse with this fantasy mother and my

feelings toward nada got a jumbled into this mess of who I wished

she was and who she really was. It is a red flag for me when I start

feeling sadness/pity toward nada because I think that is really my

pain disguised as a call to nada. I had to watch that because it was

easy to take my feelings (which I wasn't used to feeling) and make

them about nada. That is what she taught me, that everything was

about her. I had to learn how to apply my feelings to my self.

[Guest guest]

The

> grieving for the mother I never had was such a part of my recovery

> and sometimes I got nada confuse with this fantasy mother and my

> feelings toward nada got a jumbled into this mess of who I wished

> she was and who she really was. It is a red flag for me when I start

> feeling sadness/pity toward nada because I think that is really my

> pain disguised as a call to nada.

,

Thats a really good point, I haven't thought of that part of grieving

like that. Thank you! Something for me to think about when I am

feeling like I am missing my nada...

I also really understand what you meant about feeling anger and sorrow

when seeing mothers/ daughters in movies or in real life doing good

stuff together. It makes me very sad too. I've been trying to learn

how to do things for myself that would nurture me in a way that I

wasn't nurtured when I was a little girl. It's about time I'd have a

happy childhood / happy life, eh?

D

[Guest guest]

>

> Today I was helping my roommate get ready and I was doing her hair.

> I remembered my mother blowdrying my hair as a little girl and how

> she would always pull so hard and it would HURT and I would complain

> about it again and again. But she never listened, she never even

> tried to do it softer - I think she must have really hated me at

> those moments. I can just imagine her thinking " dammit, I need to be

> doing my own hair, why do I have this kid to worry about, I hate

> being a mother...etc " She never said anything like this, but I just

> remember this hostility from her pretty much whenever I forced her to

> be a mother. Ugh. Now I'm remembering how she would always put

> tomatoes in my salad and how upset I got from that. I think those

> memories are linked - I just wanted her to notice me and NURTURE me.

> That's what it is! The immense lack of nurturing....

>

> bobby

Reading your post I remembered being little, and my mother washing my

hair when I was sitting in the bath. She always had longish nails, and

scratched my scalp. I would squirm and tell her that it hurts, and I

don't like my head scratched like that, why couldn't she use just her

fingers. But, apparently, rubbing the scalp with just finger tips

didn't clean it well enough! ( needless to say, I haven't noticed that

since I started washing my hair by myself). Lack of nurturing and lack

of consideration for *my* wishes....

D

[Guest guest]

Hi Bobby,

Your memory about your mother attacking your hair as she brushed it

was very familiar. My mother always told me that I was a tomboy and

didn't like girly things. It was for this reason that she usually

gave me a bowl cut (literally put a bowl on my head and cut around).

It's not quite as cruel as it sounds since it was the 70's and

figure skater Dorothy Hamill had the same cut.

Anyways, at around 8 or 9 I insisted on growing my hair long. My

mother punished me for it every single day by brushing it ruthlessly

while it was wet, swearing and cursing at me and my hair and forcing

me to wear it up in a ponytail (that she would always do up too

tightly so that it felt like my hair was going to be pulled out by

the roots).

I think you and were right about this similar experience

coming from nada's anger at having to take care of me. In her mind,

her needs were more important and I was supposed to be there to love

and help her. I think it also made her mad because nada always had

short hair. Growing my hair out made me look different than her and

there was nothing that would anger nada more than me being different

than her.

Nadine

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Welcome, and glad you decided to join in right away. This is a

wonderful way to heal from having a BP parent.

Take care,

Sylvia

>

>

> Good morning all,

> I only joined this list today and had decided to lurk for, oh, I

don't

> know.... a few years or so, but as it happened, the first post I

read

> was the " hair brushing " post. It brought tears to my eyes. Yes,

just

> like the tears which came into my eyes when my hair was twisted into

> the cruelest set of braids in North America.

>

> I have only read a little so far, but I'm so glad I came. My first

> fear was that somehow my mother would find this list, lurk, and see

me

> here, then do... what? Make me pay. There is no anonymity great

> enough to make me feel safe anywhere. I only hope there are women

on

> this board who are at least approaching my age so I won't feel so

much

> like a baby in an old lady's body. I do feel like a child, but

> believe me, I want my feelings about myself to catch up with my

face.

> Maybe this will help.

>

> I will follow your posts with interest and contribute what I can in

a

> good spirit. Though my mother has not been formally diagnosed, and

> despite the fact that some health care professionals will warn

against

> a layman's diagnosis (and I understand where they're coming from)

> there is absolutley no doubt about my mother's condition. She still

> has four of my five younger siblings in her thrall.

>

> I will cut this short, though I know I could talk all day. Just

> getting it out will feel so good.

>

>