Guest guest Posted September 16, 2004 Report Share Posted September 16, 2004 Hi Sylvia. I understand your feelings of being afraid of nada's rage. It is such an uncomfortable, sinking feeling. I get that way when anybody becomes loud and angry, but I've noticed that I don't necessarily react or seem uncomfortable. That must have been how I dealt with it. I just freeze and hold in all those feelings. It's strange because I dealt with the same feelings you're speaking of at my nada's funeral. It would seem I didn't have to worry about her flying into a rage, but I thought maybe her spirit would shut the lights off when I walked into the room and things would start spinning in the room. Because I hadn't seen or spoken to her or any sibs for a year, it was strange walking in. Because nada had been ill the past few months and I hadn't been there to help, I was afraid that somebody might go off on me. It is stressful projecting, but who can help to project unpredictable people. I went and felt out of place, but I went. I think in your case, once you get through your first event, you will be able to do it much easier next time. I know the frightened child is walking on egg shells not knowing how nada will behave, but you can do it and you have every right to stay in contact with your family. Keep us posted, . > I have just accepted an invitation to a family wedding. In the past, > nada, father, sis and I, and sometimes some of sis's and my children > would all go together to these events. (Sis has a BIG van). The > last occasion was and aunt and uncle's 50th anniversary. We had > problems on the way (an 8 hour drive), and some minor probs on the > way back. (Can you guess who was the cause of the problems? Anyone > saying N A D A?) > > I had to go through alot of mental processing in order to accept this > invitation. First, I didn't even know if I wanted to go. With a > nada, you don't often get to chose what you want to do, you know. > And since this was a family occasion, and I know nada will be there, > I had other concerns: Should I go? (Translation - do I DESERVE to > go?) What if nada got mad or created a scene? (Yes, I was willing to > accept the responsibility for nada creating a scene - the effects of > years of being told, 'don't do anything to upset her'); and also, the > sadness of knowing that I don't have the family I want and deserved. > I will be going alone because I don't have a real family to go with. > > I also have to deal with the chronic FEAR of nada's rages. I now > understand that this fear has been with me since I was an infant. It > is one of the constants in my life. I have transferred it to > everything, just a general fear that someone, somewhere is going to > fly into a rage because of something I did (or didn't) do. I can > talk myself out of this fear, but I still feel it pretty stongly. > And this is one of the times - when I am deciding to do something I > want to do. (Translation - How dare I choose to do anything when I > am such an bad child?) > > I figured out that I wanted to go, and that was what spurred me on. > I sent the acceptance, and decided that I would either fly or drive > by myself. I am going to get the directions from MapQuest, and make > my own hotel/motel reservations. I will have to juggle some finances > to do this, but I can do it. I am not going to crumble because my > nada has fits when she doesn't like what someone does. And I am also > doing this just to prove that I can, that I don't have to continue > being ruled by nada's irrational feelings. > > I was invited because my extended family wants to share their joy > with their family. There are aunts, and uncle and cousins that I > want to see again. I don't really think nada will behave badly at > the wedding, but that is my thinking, not my feeling. I will be > challenged by not letting myself feel that I don't deserve to be > there (another nada legacy, feeling that I don't deserve ANYTHING > that I want or like, and also that I don't deserve to be happy.) > > I talked to my sister today, and she didn't say anything about the > wedding. I am feeling very uncomfortable about talking to her about > this. If I learn that she is going to take my parents, and that she > hasn't even mentioned the wedding to me (like, are you planning to > go), I will feel betrayed by her as well. Just about the fact that > she wouldn't tell me what her plans are. And I am again feeling like > the 'bad' child here, because I am not being compliant with the > family craziness. I am not expecting her to change her relationship > with our parents. I understand that I am second guessing here, and > that the only way to find out is to ask her about it. So, I guess > that is what I will have to do. (The little girl is saying, " but I > don't wanna! " ) And as I am rereading this, the thought that my > sister didn't say anything because she was feeling uncomfortable > about it just came to me. (Proof that second guessing in these > situations can lead to any variety of 'reasoning'.) I just won't > know until I talk to her about it. And processing this through the > post is helping. > > Sylvia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 16, 2004 Report Share Posted September 16, 2004 Hi Sylvia. I understand your feelings of being afraid of nada's rage. It is such an uncomfortable, sinking feeling. I get that way when anybody becomes loud and angry, but I've noticed that I don't necessarily react or seem uncomfortable. That must have been how I dealt with it. I just freeze and hold in all those feelings. It's strange because I dealt with the same feelings you're speaking of at my nada's funeral. It would seem I didn't have to worry about her flying into a rage, but I thought maybe her spirit would shut the lights off when I walked into the room and things would start spinning in the room. Because I hadn't seen or spoken to her or any sibs for a year, it was strange walking in. Because nada had been ill the past few months and I hadn't been there to help, I was afraid that somebody might go off on me. It is stressful projecting, but who can help to project unpredictable people. I went and felt out of place, but I went. I think in your case, once you get through your first event, you will be able to do it much easier next time. I know the frightened child is walking on egg shells not knowing how nada will behave, but you can do it and you have every right to stay in contact with your family. Keep us posted, . > I have just accepted an invitation to a family wedding. In the past, > nada, father, sis and I, and sometimes some of sis's and my children > would all go together to these events. (Sis has a BIG van). The > last occasion was and aunt and uncle's 50th anniversary. We had > problems on the way (an 8 hour drive), and some minor probs on the > way back. (Can you guess who was the cause of the problems? Anyone > saying N A D A?) > > I had to go through alot of mental processing in order to accept this > invitation. First, I didn't even know if I wanted to go. With a > nada, you don't often get to chose what you want to do, you know. > And since this was a family occasion, and I know nada will be there, > I had other concerns: Should I go? (Translation - do I DESERVE to > go?) What if nada got mad or created a scene? (Yes, I was willing to > accept the responsibility for nada creating a scene - the effects of > years of being told, 'don't do anything to upset her'); and also, the > sadness of knowing that I don't have the family I want and deserved. > I will be going alone because I don't have a real family to go with. > > I also have to deal with the chronic FEAR of nada's rages. I now > understand that this fear has been with me since I was an infant. It > is one of the constants in my life. I have transferred it to > everything, just a general fear that someone, somewhere is going to > fly into a rage because of something I did (or didn't) do. I can > talk myself out of this fear, but I still feel it pretty stongly. > And this is one of the times - when I am deciding to do something I > want to do. (Translation - How dare I choose to do anything when I > am such an bad child?) > > I figured out that I wanted to go, and that was what spurred me on. > I sent the acceptance, and decided that I would either fly or drive > by myself. I am going to get the directions from MapQuest, and make > my own hotel/motel reservations. I will have to juggle some finances > to do this, but I can do it. I am not going to crumble because my > nada has fits when she doesn't like what someone does. And I am also > doing this just to prove that I can, that I don't have to continue > being ruled by nada's irrational feelings. > > I was invited because my extended family wants to share their joy > with their family. There are aunts, and uncle and cousins that I > want to see again. I don't really think nada will behave badly at > the wedding, but that is my thinking, not my feeling. I will be > challenged by not letting myself feel that I don't deserve to be > there (another nada legacy, feeling that I don't deserve ANYTHING > that I want or like, and also that I don't deserve to be happy.) > > I talked to my sister today, and she didn't say anything about the > wedding. I am feeling very uncomfortable about talking to her about > this. If I learn that she is going to take my parents, and that she > hasn't even mentioned the wedding to me (like, are you planning to > go), I will feel betrayed by her as well. Just about the fact that > she wouldn't tell me what her plans are. And I am again feeling like > the 'bad' child here, because I am not being compliant with the > family craziness. I am not expecting her to change her relationship > with our parents. I understand that I am second guessing here, and > that the only way to find out is to ask her about it. So, I guess > that is what I will have to do. (The little girl is saying, " but I > don't wanna! " ) And as I am rereading this, the thought that my > sister didn't say anything because she was feeling uncomfortable > about it just came to me. (Proof that second guessing in these > situations can lead to any variety of 'reasoning'.) I just won't > know until I talk to her about it. And processing this through the > post is helping. > > Sylvia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 16, 2004 Report Share Posted September 16, 2004 Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions. I think any one of the statements about my sister is a possibility. I went to visit her this evening, and we had a pleasant visit. I did not bring up the wedding until the end. It was interesting to me that she talked about something else she is doing next month, but she never mentioned the wedding. I asked her if she was going, and she said yes, she was going (only because) she had to drive our parents there. She added, 'Of course, you know you are welcome to come along with us if you want to.' (My thought here was that if she meant it, she would have called me and invited me when they made their plans.) I didn't ask her why she didn't mention it. I didn't ask because I don't think I would get a truthful answer. (And I don't know if this is avoidance or acceptance. Right now, I don't care. I am dealing with enough with just going - which is so against the way my foo would want me to behave.) Sister is still convinced that being nice to everyone and avoiding confrontation at any cost is the way to go. It was strange tonight to listen to how many of her responses were like nadas. I don't think she has BPD, but I think there are alot of fleas. It is times like this when I feel really alone. No one in my foo to validate me, and because of my own fleas, I have not made many good friends (something that I am changing). I do feel very good about what I am doing. I am breaking out of the foo web by taking care of myself. Sylvia > Sylvia, > Just reading through your post I was wondering these things about > your sister? > *Is she not saying anything to you because she doesn't know if you > are invited? > *Will sister feel like she is in the middle if she talks about the > wedding? > *Will sister feel like she has to hide the fact that you are going > to the wedding from Nada? > *Will sister have to deal with a Nada rage about you and your (in > Nada's skewed reality) selfishness for not wanting to travel or stay > with them? > Is she afraid that she will hurt your feelings if she tells you that > she is going to the wedding...assuming that she thinks you are not > going? > >....................> > Di. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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